What the fuck is wrong with you people? Rogue One wasn't great in any regard other than it wasting resources and targeting man children that grew up begging mommy and daddy to buy them Star Wars toys. (Oh......ooooooh, now I get why you people liked it.)
It was a middling attempt at fleshing out the shallow plot of the original movies, and then proceeded to fucking shit all over them by making it a gritty dark horrors of war load of shit that does not fit Star Wars (shallow action adventure in space). It actively shit on the story (gee, I wonder why they dropped us right into the action in the original movie, and didn't even bother with offering lip service about the sacrifices it took to get the blueprints as we don't need that to understand how important it is - it literally provides more weight for their importance in seconds than Rogue One does for the what like two and a half hours it felt it needed to try and accomplish that) and characters of the original movies (makes Leia look like a Turmp level fucking moronic liar, made Vader into a graphic novel dark villain every bit as ridiculous as "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Vader and CGI video game fighter Yoda), tried to make us give a shit about the sacrifice of characters that make the shallow stereotype caricatures (Luke, Han, Leia) seem Shakespearean in comparison (so in other words, no one gives a shit that they all fucking died, plus since we already know what happens in the grand scheme of things, just doubles down on them not mattering at all). Say what you want about JarJar but at least you felt something towards him. They could've replaced the main characters in Rogue One with fucking toilet paper and they'd be more compelling. Also say what you want about Ewoks but they were goddamn sexual tyrannasaurs compared to the motley crew of Rogue One. That's right, the fucking Ewoks were more compelling characters, they were practically Inglorious Basterds by comparison, despite how much Rogue One tried to posit them like they were supposed to be some ultra cool badass group out of a Tarantino movie. (Which, so they should have Cristopher Walken voice Yoda from now on, they both smuggled gold watches up their asses. Admit it, you're now hearing Yoda talking as Walken "Do. Or do not. There is no try.")
It needlessly tries to add complexity and detail for no fucking reason, and its doing exactly what all the other Star Wars shit is: exposing its exceeding (and entirely intentional) shallowness. That was what made the originals good and have such mass appeal. In fact, because of it being set right in the original timeline, its more egregious than the prequels or the sequels since they at least tried to put some distance from themselves.
The most laughable part is how much Zin loves Star Wars even though its got probably the shallowest magic/wizard shit in the history of any fucking pop culture ever, yet he constantly bitches about other shit that has objectively better formed fantasy worlds/narratives/characters (I can only assume because he's mad at how fucking stupid the Jedi actually are and how Star Wars would be 10000000000x better if they had never been part of it so he's mad that others figured out a way to make that type of stuff compelling and not so stupid that its actually more interesting as an outright joke than as seriously considered legitimate thing in that universe).
Which, thinking about the overall plot between all the movies, its pretty fucked up. The Jedi are VolCels that liked taking children and brainwashing them to be VolCel instead of InCel, and Anakin was an InCel that turned evil because some woman got his dick wet and the Jedi did nothing to help his mother (who was literally a slave). Which gee, seems like maybe the Jedi were molesting Anakin since that's often what leads to them becoming such monsters. And then their brainwashing turned him into an angel of mercy lashing out at women for it. That actually does help explain why there were so few women in the universe, Vader apparently became enraged over it so he slaughtered as many women as he could. That or Grand Muff Takin is really Mike Pence and was worried he'd be overcome by his urge to grab 'em by the pussy that he had them banned (but somehow Cinnabun Leia didn't do it for him - probably the pointy elbows - so he tossed her in jail that is literally right next to the trash compactor; also he probably goes out of his way to piss Vader off so he can get force choked since he's probably super into rape-play).
Just think what they could do if they applied the resources that have gone into making these what 4 mediocre at best recent Star Wars movies, where instead of saddling themselves with the baggage of the originals, they'd tried to make something actually unique, compelling, and interesting. Its pretty damn bad when the movies made about superheroes have more depth, more intrigue, far more compelling characters (seriously even the bit ones in the Marvel movies are better than all but the best Star Wars characters), and orders of magnitude more charm than your stories about space wizards fighting space Nazis with laser swords. At worst they should be equal. This makes me think of what Ozzy said about leaving Black Sabbath because he was embarrassed about them getting blown off stage every night by Van Halen. Maybe someone there can go "hmm, we've got unlimited resources, maybe we should stop doing what we know fails - cowtowing to nostalgic nerds - and come up with our own compelling plot and characters that are in no way going reduce the fun of the original films and so we'd be free to go in other directions, be it with more mature plots and characters, or if we're going to stay true to the spirit of the shallow but well done nature of fantasy action adventure set in space, let's get the fuck away from horrible "daddy was never there, whatevs, don't even care *roll tear*", racist CGI physical comedy caricatures, super ultra mega death star by neo-Nazis Empiricists, dumb attempts at wasting hours to flesh out a very minor and needless point of plot that setup the original movie.
The best thing Disney could do at this point is to St Elsewhere the whole thing and say that it was all a holographic dream by R2-D2 after he got turned into a sex robot by the real Anaking Skinfluter - who wants people to call him Vader while he trounces around in a black trench coat, mask, and hat - who is just some teenaged scuzzball dreaming of getting off his uncle's "moisture farm" (snicker) so he wouldn't have to be chugging blue milk that he probably has to do who knows what to get out of one of the very few women in the whole universe.
I think RedLetterMedia said it, they win no matter what. If its good, then great they get a good movie. If its bad, they get to make fun of it and bask in the schadenfraude of Star Wars fans trying to defend it and then having meltdown once they accept how horrible it is. (Search your feelings, you know it to be true!) But keep on fighting the good fight, you'll be remembered as fondly as these cardboard characters from Rogue One.
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