724861398
Where to begin?
I am 23 years old, still a virgin. Never had a girlfriend. Never been kissed either. Can't make up my mind whether I should care or not... I mean, I have a sexual drive, but I don't know if a sex life would be worth the hassle of having a woman. There is someone I do fancy though, a LOT?first time ever in my life. Too bad she's probably unattainable, and whilst she gives me the impression that she fancies me in turn, I just have a hard time fathoming it, and I'm scared that I (or she) will be hurt if I try something. I would never want to hurt her in any way, and one reason that I haven't truly told her that I truly like her is because I know I'm a pathetic, horrible person who would only make her sad.
I don't have a job. I don't have any motivation. My creativity is shot to hell. I can't keep my mind on one single thing for longer than 3 minutes. All I do is sit in front of the computer doing nothing all day long.
I want a job to get money. But I hate the thought of working. Everyone's like that I suppose, but they do at least have self-preservation skills; I do not. I don't do things that are necessary for my survival. I have been close to the brink of economic extinction innumerous times.
I hate my elitist, good-for-nothing mentality. I hate most people too, for being stupid. I think most people are beneath me, and at the same time I loathe myself for those thoughts, even though I "know" they are true.
I've contemplated taking my life many, many times. I've decided I'm too much of a coward for doing it... it's not that I feel it's a coward's way out or that my relatives would be sad, I just don't have the courage to hurt myself?it grosses me out. And it pisses me off.
I know a fair amount about most everything, but I don't master anything. I try my hand at being creative in more or less all the arts, although I know that I suck at it, and ultimately I end up being sickened by my own ineptitude.
I am lazy, I haven't done the dishes in 6 months. My kitchen is gross.
I'm tired of being broke all the time, but the thought of having to stand a job makes me want to kill myself. I don't think I'm capable to it.
Sex... it seems nice, but the daily thoughts of it sickens me because it's so pathetic to think of something like that all the time. Pointless.
I wish I could fall asleep and never again wake up.
I'm not horrible, I suppose... I am just a lousy, pathetic empty shell of a man with a demented mind.
---Me in six years.......