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Vertimus

Banned
Apr 2, 2004
1,441
0
0
A physicist and a mathematician are
sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the
coffee machine catches on fire. The
physicist grabs a bucket and leaps to-
ward the sink, fills the bucket with water,
and puts out the fire. Second day, the
same two sit in the same lounge. Again
the coffee machine catches on fire. This
time, the mathematician stands up, gets
a bucket, and hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to
a previously solved one.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathe-
matician were sitting in a street café
watching the crowd. Across the street
they saw a man and a woman entering
a building. Ten minutes later they reap-
peared together with a third person.
?They have multiplied,? said the biologist.
?Oh no, an error in measurement,? the
physicist sighed. ?If exactly one person
enters the building now, it will be empty
again,? the mathematician concluded.

 
Aug 16, 2001
22,529
4
81
Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
An ATOTer meets a girl, takes her out on a date, then takes her back to her place and has GREAT PASSIONATE sex with her. She looks deeply into his eyes and says, "You are the most amazing guy I've ever met." .....then his mother wakes him up.
That's not a joke, that's reality. :Q
 

Evadman

Administrator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Feb 18, 2001
30,990
5
81
Shirts to make up:

Acoustics do it like Doppler.
Acoustics do it orally.
Acoustics do it with sounds.
Cryogenic physicists do it on the cold.
Cryogenic physicists do it on the ice.
Cryogenic physicists do it with a cold.
Dyslexic Particle Physicists do it with hadrons.
Electron microscopists do it 100,000 times.
Fluid dynamicists do it in jets.
Fluid dynamicists do it in the bath.
Fluid dynamicists do it in vortices.
Heisenberg was never sure whether or not he did it.
Opticians do it visually.
Opticians do it with their eyes.
Particle physicists do it energetically.
Particle physicists do it expensively.
Physicists do it a quantum at a time.
Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.
Physicists do it attractively.
Physicists do it energetically.
Physicists do it in black holes.
Physicists do it in waves.
Physicists do it like Einstein.
Physicists do it magnetically.
Physicists do it on accelerated frames.
Physicists do it particularly.
Physicists do it repulsively.
Physicists do it strangely.
Physicists do it up and down, with charming color, but strange!
Physicists do it with black bodies
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.
Physicists do it with rigid bodies.
Physicists do it with string and sealing-wax.
Physicists do it with Tensors.
Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).
Physicists do it with their vectors.
Physicists do it with uniform harmonic motion.
Physicists get a big bang.
Physics majors do it at the speed of light.
Plasma physicists do it with everything stripped off.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
Quantum theorists do it in tiny tiny pieces.
Quantum theorists do it uncertainly.
Spectroscopists do it until it hertz.
Spectroscopists do it with frequency and intensity.
Vacuum physicists do it in voids.



Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
 

HombrePequeno

Diamond Member
Mar 7, 2001
4,657
0
0
Originally posted by: Evadman
Shirts to make up:

Acoustics do it like Doppler.
Acoustics do it orally.
Acoustics do it with sounds.
Cryogenic physicists do it on the cold.
Cryogenic physicists do it on the ice.
...
Vacuum physicists do it in voids.
Economists do it with models.

Yay!

/kills self
 

gsellis

Diamond Member
Dec 4, 2003
6,061
0
0
Best joke T-Shirt was at Washington U STL in the early 80's from the Geology dept (or such). Still kicking myself for not buying one.

"Reunite Gondwanaland!"
 

RapidSnail

Diamond Member
Apr 28, 2006
4,258
0
0
Originally posted by: Evadman
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
ROTFLOL!!!!!
 

Scarpozzi

Lifer
Jun 13, 2000
25,994
1,498
126
Geek pickup lines.....
"Mind if I run my sniffer to see if your ports are open?"
"All my love are belong to you"


 

Fike

Senior member
Oct 2, 2001
388
0
0
Engineer is sitting at a bar having a beer. A beautiful woman walks up to him and says "For $100 I will do anything you want, but you have to say it in three words." The Engineer looks thoughtfully back at her and replies, "Paint my house."

 

s0ssos

Senior member
Feb 13, 2003
965
0
76
Originally posted by: Jeff7
Originally posted by: npoe1
Originally posted by: Windogg
A real old one. Most kids won't get this one.

Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula?
A: autoexec.bat
I did not get that :(
I'm guessing that Lee Iacocca is the head of some car company.
he was a exec at chrysler. but he's actually famous for lots of statements too, i think. forget any though
 

s0ssos

Senior member
Feb 13, 2003
965
0
76
Originally posted by: WhoBeDaPlaya
Originally posted by: dave518
I dont get it
d/dx (e^x) = e^x
d/dx (constant) = 0
d/dy (e^x) = 0 ;)
actually, it depends what y is. because you don't know what y is, you can't really solve it. what if y were x^2?
 

MrDudeMan

Lifer
Jan 15, 2001
15,062
90
91
Originally posted by: s0ssos
Originally posted by: WhoBeDaPlaya
Originally posted by: dave518
I dont get it
d/dx (e^x) = e^x
d/dx (constant) = 0
d/dy (e^x) = 0 ;)
actually, it depends what y is. because you don't know what y is, you can't really solve it. what if y were x^2?
the function is being differentiated with respect to y, so if there is no y term in the function, it is treated as a constant and is thus reduced to zero.

d/dy (x^2) = 0
 

CTho9305

Elite Member
Jul 26, 2000
9,214
1
81
For an optimist the glass is half full, for a pessimist it is half empty, for an engineer it's twice as big as it needs to be and for an CS major it's a Basic Input Output System (BIOS) with a buffer overflow just waiting to happen.

---

2 strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ". The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."

---

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf. They get behind a pair that is playing amazingly slow. After some time they realize that these two men are blind.
?What a sad way to spend one?s life,? said the priest. ?I will say a prayer for them.?
?I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon,? said the doctor, ?maybe I could get them some help.?
The engineer thought for a second, ?Why don?t these guys play at night??

---

I can remember *all* of the digits to pi.
Now, the order.. that's a different matter...

---

No trees were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
 

Raduque

Lifer
Aug 22, 2004
13,134
135
106
Originally posted by: Windogg
A real old one. Most kids won't get this one.

Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula?
A: autoexec.bat
Hah, this is the first one that made me chuckle. :)
 

angminas

Diamond Member
Dec 17, 2006
3,331
25
91
Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula?
A: autoexec.bat
I thought this was a way of saying that Bill Gates is unpopular and evil. Accordingly:

Q: What's Bill Gates' favorite kind of music?
A: The blues.



 

sao123

Lifer
May 27, 2002
12,598
154
106
when will microsoft make something that doesnt suck?
probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners...

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.
"I know" said the manager. " Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the critical problems and we'll be on our way."
"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."
"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"


There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.The car breaks down."Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system. "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"



An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: -Hey, I see what your problem is.-



A mechanical engineer, an electrical eng.,and a civil eng. were discussing God's profession. The ME said He must have been an ME because look at how the human body is constructed with all the intricate bones and muscles. The EE said He must have been an EE because look at the electrical impulses of the nervous system. The CE said God surly must have been a CE because only a CE would put a sewage system through a recreational area.



A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.


The Engineer and the Manager
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
 

Pacemaker

Golden Member
Jul 13, 2001
1,184
2
0
Here's one my math teacher loved that never got more than a groan (even from nerds).

"I don't go off on tangents I go off on secants"
 

gwrober

Golden Member
Sep 3, 2005
1,294
0
0
Originally posted by: gsellis
Best joke T-Shirt was at Washington U STL in the early 80's from the Geology dept (or such). Still kicking myself for not buying one.

"Reunite Gondwanaland!"
If you guys need shirts, PM me....
 

s0ssos

Senior member
Feb 13, 2003
965
0
76
Originally posted by: MrDudeMan
Originally posted by: s0ssos
Originally posted by: WhoBeDaPlaya
Originally posted by: dave518
I dont get it
d/dx (e^x) = e^x
d/dx (constant) = 0
d/dy (e^x) = 0 ;)
actually, it depends what y is. because you don't know what y is, you can't really solve it. what if y were x^2?
the function is being differentiated with respect to y, so if there is no y term in the function, it is treated as a constant and is thus reduced to zero.

d/dy (x^2) = 0
there has to be somewhere here that knows calculus.
actually, d/dy would be d/dy dy/dx, wouldn't it? i forget
 

xtknight

Elite Member
Oct 15, 2004
12,974
0
71
Originally posted by: CTho9305
2 strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ". The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."
I'm so ashamed of getting this one.
 

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