Okay, but did you go to her and say "look, you like me, I don't like you the same way" kind of thing? Do you think she atleast deserves that?
nik
Okay, but did you go to her and say "look, you like me, I don't like you the same way" kind of thing? Do you think she atleast deserves that?
nik
EvilYoda
Lifer
- Apr 1, 2001
- 21,198
- 9
- 81
I'm just amused that your relationship with Jane was just "completely innocent, plutonic" 
I don't mean to make fun of you, but people do it often, so it's amusing.
But as for your situation, I agree that you should at least make sure that Jane is aware of the situation between you two, so that you're both on the same level, before you go and do anything else.
I don't mean to make fun of you, but people do it often, so it's amusing. But as for your situation, I agree that you should at least make sure that Jane is aware of the situation between you two, so that you're both on the same level, before you go and do anything else.
Yeah, woops - platonic - oh well.Originally posted by: EvilYoda
I'm just amused that your relationship with Jane was just "completely innocent, plutonic"
But as for your situation, I agree that you should at least make sure that Jane is aware of the situation between you two, so that you're both on the same level, before you go and do anything else.
Yes, ffm - when I talked to 'Jane' I told her that i was flattered that she seemed to like me and was asking me out but that I wasn't interested in her in that way and that I just wanted to be friends with her. Isn't that good enough?
Well, i just finished talking to 'the other girl' and it was alright. We talked for awhile - small talk mostly. I don't want to have a typical HS relationship and talk online or whatever her for like weeks before asking her out. I'd like to talk to her again tonight or something and see if she wants to go out tomorrow afternoon - I'd like to get to know her like a normal person and not a 13 year old being driven by parents (I have been driving for over a year - don't worry
). Heh.You really want an opinion?
"So this girl, we'll call her 'Jane' (as in Miss Doe) is able to go. BTW, I don't pay for her tickets - she does of course."
And why would it be obvious? Oh yeah, it's obvious that you're not a gentleman.
"I feel really bad because my friend told me I basically lead her on - that I didn't know it (which I really didn't) but that I was in her eyes."
Damn straight! I hope your friends and Jane get it straight with you.
Okay hon' . . . listen: When you mess with someone and then want to see her friend, you'll be getting some karma hitting you on the behind. You can deny it all you want; but if your friends say you're leading her on and you admit to feeling really guilty, you must indeed be guilty. Don't think that you can screw a friend and not expect the same back at you.
But to answer your actual question: Just ask out the friend straight-forwardly. It wouldn't be Jane's business what your relationship life is like if you claim there's nothing between you and Jane. And if it were true, then Jane needs to butt out.
However, I can see the sharp bite coming your direction when Jane's friend gives you a shun and good rejection. If you actually think that you're important to her, more power to you.
Best of luck, but I just get this weird intuition that Jane and you have either dated or will end up dating for a period instead of her friend and you. :Q Quit tripping when a female friend likes you likes you. You never know. . . . LOL!
"So this girl, we'll call her 'Jane' (as in Miss Doe) is able to go. BTW, I don't pay for her tickets - she does of course."
And why would it be obvious? Oh yeah, it's obvious that you're not a gentleman.
"I feel really bad because my friend told me I basically lead her on - that I didn't know it (which I really didn't) but that I was in her eyes."
Damn straight! I hope your friends and Jane get it straight with you.
Okay hon' . . . listen: When you mess with someone and then want to see her friend, you'll be getting some karma hitting you on the behind. You can deny it all you want; but if your friends say you're leading her on and you admit to feeling really guilty, you must indeed be guilty. Don't think that you can screw a friend and not expect the same back at you.
But to answer your actual question: Just ask out the friend straight-forwardly. It wouldn't be Jane's business what your relationship life is like if you claim there's nothing between you and Jane. And if it were true, then Jane needs to butt out.
However, I can see the sharp bite coming your direction when Jane's friend gives you a shun and good rejection. If you actually think that you're important to her, more power to you.
Best of luck, but I just get this weird intuition that Jane and you have either dated or will end up dating for a period instead of her friend and you. :Q Quit tripping when a female friend likes you likes you. You never know. . . . LOL!
It's season tickets for an NCAA Basketball team. They're not cheap. I pay for movies or dinner everytime I go out with girls alone - regardless of whether it's a friend or a date just because I think it's a nice thing to do. However, I'm not shelling out that much money so she can come with me to some basketball games.
My friends don't think I lead her her on either. They said that, from her point of view, however, it would seem as if I did - but in their male eyes they didn't think it was. They think I should go out with 'Jane' but I disagree of course.
I never messed with her. I told her very shortly after she basically asked me out that I wasn't interested in being more than friends. I don't know how that is messing with her? I have been under the pretenses that we are just friends. I feel bad because she likes me as more than a friend, but I want to go for another girl - I don't feel guilty about anything. I just don't want to be a scumbag and make her feel like crap because she is my friend.
I have no idea what the other girl will say. I do however intend to ask her to lunch because I would like to get to know her better. At this point I hardly know her.
We have never dated though various people have asked friends of ours if we are.
Grr. It's annoying because in high school if you're seen together in the halls more than once daily then it raises questions - ridiculous. I hate high school.Anyway...thanks for playing devils advocate at least.
It's not like I'll be asking the other girl out on a date really - it's lunch...it's someone I know from school...whatever. <shrug>
Maybe, I don't know. She really is good looking - not overweight (though not stick figure skinny...she's just right to be honest), very cute face, whatever. (I'm sure people will either think or say, 'Oh so she has a tiny rack' after I post, so I'll let you know that both girls are about the same size.)
The other girl is admittedly better looking in my eyes. I think some people think I'm crazy for thinking that, but there is just something the other girl...
Originally posted by: EvilYoda
I'm just amused that your relationship with Jane was just "completely innocent, plutonic"
But as for your situation, I agree that you should at least make sure that Jane is aware of the situation between you two, so that you're both on the same level, before you go and do anything else.
But of course we all know that Pluto was named for Plato!
At any rate, why do you care what other people think? Just have fun and everything will work out in the end!
All right! If you haven't ever messed with this lady or led her on, then what's all of the chickening out about? It isn't anyone's business what your relationship life is, except family members, I mean.
But still, I don't think that I understand why you would be tripping. Maybe you're overreacting to your friend having feelings on you? Maybe she isn't thinking halfway as you are. If she's too afraid to be forward with you and you successfully had her apologising to you for having feelings on you (implicitly), then why would she be authoritative enough to tell you what to do in your life or be upset with you?
Again, I'm afraid you'll get the same response from her friend (i.e., you're cool as a friend but nothing more), but it isn't any of Jane's business. Be a real man and ask out a woman you actually care for. The only part that should concern Jane is asking for advice or dating Jane. You would be direspecting Jane if you went asking her about your relationship with this friend of hers, as you are very aware of Jane's feelings toward you.
That said, I still think that you and Jane will eventually date, but will be just friends again.
But still, I don't think that I understand why you would be tripping. Maybe you're overreacting to your friend having feelings on you? Maybe she isn't thinking halfway as you are. If she's too afraid to be forward with you and you successfully had her apologising to you for having feelings on you (implicitly), then why would she be authoritative enough to tell you what to do in your life or be upset with you?
Again, I'm afraid you'll get the same response from her friend (i.e., you're cool as a friend but nothing more), but it isn't any of Jane's business. Be a real man and ask out a woman you actually care for. The only part that should concern Jane is asking for advice or dating Jane. You would be direspecting Jane if you went asking her about your relationship with this friend of hers, as you are very aware of Jane's feelings toward you.
That said, I still think that you and Jane will eventually date, but will be just friends again.
It's not so much chickening out - I am talking to the girl and I will be asking her out. It's more that I am concerned that I will hurt a good friend and I was unsure as to whether I needed to remind her that I just see her as a friend or if I am safe without doing that.Originally posted by: luvly
All right! If you haven't ever messed with this lady or led her on, then what's all of the chickening out about? It isn't anyone's business what your relationship life is, except family members, I mean.
But still, I don't think that I understand why you would be tripping. Maybe you're overreacting to your friend having feelings on you? Maybe she isn't thinking halfway as you are. If she's too afraid to be forward with you and you successfully had her apologising to you for having feelings on you (implicitly), then why would she be authoritative enough to tell you what to do in your life or be upset with you?
Again, I'm afraid you'll get the same response from her friend (i.e., you're cool as a friend but nothing more), but it isn't any of Jane's business. Be a real man and ask out a woman you actually care for. The only part that should concern Jane is asking for advice or dating Jane. You would be direspecting Jane if you went asking her about your relationship with this friend of hers, as you are very aware of Jane's feelings toward you.
That said, I still think that you and Jane will eventually date, but will be just friends again.
I may be overreacting - you may be right - but I would rather be safe and figure out exactly what I will do than lose a good friend. There are only so many of them.
I may get the same response from the other girl though the impression that I get when talking with her in person is that she finds me to be a hilarious and a romantic. The first time I talked to her was when I was messing around on the screen name of a friend and she IMs my friend asking if they were still on for dinner with a bunch of friends of theirs. So I am fooling around and say something like, "yes, of course, and dancing to follow." She asked where and I said, "in the rain of course" - she found this to be a great idea actually, I thought it was too. More of a spontaneous thing, but I definitely think it would be fun.
Two days later I see her in school, we had never spoken in person before except playing frisbee in PE, and she was like, "Guess what we did after dinner!" Yeah, they didn't go dancing in the rain - haha. I had her laughing in about 5 seconds flat. So that's the story with 'the other girl.' Well, that's effectively how we met at least.Heh, I don't want to hurt a friend. Where's the fun in that?! :Q
Zippy, you know what? When a guy keeps finding excuses, he's a wimp. No offence. It's simple: If you really cared about Jane's feelings, you would not be talking about seeing her friend and you would be dating Jane herself. So screw the hypothetical and get with the program. You're either going to ask out Jane's friend in a mature way and without consulting Jane; or you'll get Jane involved and look like a loser to all of the girls involved. Would you stop your interest in Jane's friend if Jane objected to your intent? Be a real man! *Sigh!* If Jane is so madly in love with you as you claim, she would never leave you as a friend; as she would always want some kind of connection with you, even if you treated her badly. Lastly, how could you claim that you aren't leading her on when you keep pushing on letting her know all the time that you aren't interested in her. What is she supposed to do to show you that she isn't deaf and is aware of your stand on the subject of dating between you two?
There's no magic to anything there. It's simple, so keep it simple.
Okay, I didn't mind defending myself at first. But you clearly have not read this thread before posting. Did you even read the first post? In case you missed it, here is a quote from the first time that I said that I have talked to her and told her that I just want to be friends:Originally posted by: luvly
Zippy, you know what? When a guy keeps finding excuses, he's a wimp. No offence. It's simple: If you really cared about Jane's feelings, you would not be talking about seeing her friend and you would be dating Jane herself. So screw the hypothetical and get with the program. You're either going to ask out Jane's friend in a mature way and without consulting Jane; or you'll get Jane involved and look like a loser to all of the girls involved. Would you stop your interest in Jane's friend if Jane objected to your intent? Be a real man! *Sigh!* If Jane is so madly in love with you as you claim, she would never leave you as a friend; as she would always want some kind of connection with you, even if you treated her badly. Lastly, how could you claim that you aren't leading her on when you keep pushing on letting her know all the time that you aren't interested in her. What is she supposed to do to show you that she isn't deaf and is aware of your stand on the subject of dating between you two?There's no magic to anything there. It's simple, so keep it simple.
If you want, I can spend more time and go through more of the thread and pick out all of the other times that I have said that.
I care about 'Jane's' feelings - which is why I would have a little chat with her along the lines of, "I have been hearing that you like me as more than a friend. I don't want to lead you on, so I thought I would let you know that my feelings haven't changed in the last month - I'm still only interested in being friends." I wouldn't say, "I want your friend hard core...so we're just friends, k?" I would not bring up the other girl at all - that's not classy, not gentlemanly, and would create an extermely difficult situation.
I have liked girls before that don't like me. We have been friends - hell, they have known that I like them as more than friends - and it has been okay. The only time it gets difficult is when I wanted to act on it and ask them out on a date or something. However, I don't think it's fair to either of us NOT to be friends just because she likes me as more than a friend and I don't feel the same way.
I am trying to keep it simple. I know that I want to ask the other girl out to get to know her better, I know that I don't like 'Jane' as anything more than friends, the only thing I am/was stuggling with is whether I should remind 'Jane' (soon...if i am going to ask out the other girl for next weekend) that I only have feelings for her as a friend and nothing more.
How have I been leading her on? :Q
Do I lead all of my friends on by talking to them many times a day in the halls, by inviting them out to do stuff (note: Jane and I have only seen each other ONCE outside of school - this will change once the NCAA basketball season starts of course though), and by talking to them on AIM? I don't follow. I also told her that I wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship. Where did I screw up?!
If I didn't worry about her feelings I wouldn't have told her a long time ago that I wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship.
Muadib
Lifer
- May 30, 2000
- 18,127
- 912
- 126
Did you ask any of your other friends to these "couple" events? Do you think any of your other friends want to be more than friends? How long have you felt that Jane had a thing for you? Have you talked about it with her since, or have you just used her for times you needed a date?
Eh? What couple of events? I brought her along with some friends of mine once. We have seen each other ONCE outside of school. I don't really know how long 'Jane' has had a thing for me. I thought that I had defused her of liking me awhile ago but lately I've been hearing rumblings that she likes me. I have never needed a date and I have never taken her along anywhere that I needed a date. The ONE time I asked her to come out with some friends was an hour before we were going and I was talking to her on AIM. If it wasn't her it would have been a guy friend of mine or something.
Muadib
Lifer
- May 30, 2000
- 18,127
- 912
- 126
Well, when you mentioned the season tickets and that you went with your friend & his gal, I took this to mean that you went to serveral games with Jane, especilly after you bring the BB games up yet again in another post. So you've hung out with her what then, 3 times?
Kadarin
Lifer
- Nov 23, 2001
- 44,296
- 16
- 81
I don't agree with luvly on this; Jane got clear warning up front she was in "the friend zone" (and how many guys on ATOT have been stuck there?), and he is defending himself stating that he has never crossed over that line with her. So, in my opinion, if Jane gets butthurt when zippy asks her friend out, it's all on her. He doesn't need Jane's explicit permission to do anything..
What don't you understand about,
?!
I don't see how that is so hard to understand. :Q
I have been out with her ONE TIME and it was with a BIG GROUP of 12 OTHER PEOPLE!
I WILL be going to BB games with her and two other friends once the season starts - and no, those two other friends are not a couple. I expect her to go to about 10 of the 19 home games (some are on weeknights and her parents won't let her go to most of those) spanning a season of Nov 5 to like March 2.
Astaroth33, exactly, I have "never crossed over that line with her."
All I want(ed) out of this thread was whether I should remind 'Jane' again that she is still only a friend to me - not mentioning the other girl in the talk at all as that is none of her business really. Here is a quote earlier from me that lays out something that I could say to her to remind her that she is only a friend:
Holy moly people...reading comprehension...
"So, in my opinion, if Jane gets butthurt when zippy asks her friend out, it's all on her. He doesn't need Jane's explicit permission to do anything.."
That was exactly my point, Astaroth. He claims he hasn't led her on and has made it clear that he doesn't want more than friendship, so why the hell does he feel compelled to make deal of the situation and ask for her permission to see someone else? That was exactly what I was saying . . . coming to ask whether to "talk to Jane" is so childish. Feeling compelled to and going back to tell her how she's just a friend to you is plain disrespectful, torture and an attempt to be noticed.
Listen, Zippy: You are not the first person who has ever had a friend who fell in love with you when you didn't have the same feeling toward her. My sis in fact has a male friend--who happens to be her best friend and who's in love with her. She made it clear with no uncertain terms verbally and in writing that she was not interested in him. But she didn't go back torturing him repeatedly about how she had no feeling toward him. I too have been in a situation where a friend had more feelings for me than I had for him. I wouldn't torture him like that and make it seem like a crime that he ever had feelings for me. All I am saying is, stop the torture and making it seem like a crime because you have a passive friend . . . that's just plain disrespectful to both the friend and to the lady you're interested in. What you do is not Jane's business. Jane can come to you for advice, but you don't go to her as if she's some little kid who needs to be lectured repeatedly. That's all I am saying . . . don't be dramatic as if you are the first person whose friend has ever fallen in love with you but you didn't reciprocate it.
I'm done with this subject. If you ever have a meaningful update, it would be a pleasure reading.
That was exactly my point, Astaroth. He claims he hasn't led her on and has made it clear that he doesn't want more than friendship, so why the hell does he feel compelled to make deal of the situation and ask for her permission to see someone else? That was exactly what I was saying . . . coming to ask whether to "talk to Jane" is so childish. Feeling compelled to and going back to tell her how she's just a friend to you is plain disrespectful, torture and an attempt to be noticed.
Listen, Zippy: You are not the first person who has ever had a friend who fell in love with you when you didn't have the same feeling toward her. My sis in fact has a male friend--who happens to be her best friend and who's in love with her. She made it clear with no uncertain terms verbally and in writing that she was not interested in him. But she didn't go back torturing him repeatedly about how she had no feeling toward him. I too have been in a situation where a friend had more feelings for me than I had for him. I wouldn't torture him like that and make it seem like a crime that he ever had feelings for me. All I am saying is, stop the torture and making it seem like a crime because you have a passive friend . . . that's just plain disrespectful to both the friend and to the lady you're interested in. What you do is not Jane's business. Jane can come to you for advice, but you don't go to her as if she's some little kid who needs to be lectured repeatedly. That's all I am saying . . . don't be dramatic as if you are the first person whose friend has ever fallen in love with you but you didn't reciprocate it.
I'm done with this subject. If you ever have a meaningful update, it would be a pleasure reading.
That was easily the most overly dramatic thing I have ever read. I'm not sure why some people bother posting without apparently having read the entire thread. Unless you consider the following to be torture, "I have been hearing that you like me as more than a friend. I don't want to lead you on, so I thought I would let you know that my feelings haven't changed in the last month - I'm still only interested in being friends," I don't see why it would be so terrible for me to talk to her so she doesn't think that my feelings have changed. If she feels that I am leading her on, she may feel that I do reciprocate her feelings. How am I making it seem like a crime for her liking me?! BTW, where in this thread have I mentioned anything about asking 'Jane' for permission to ask the other girl out? I have repeatedly stated that I will be asking the other girl out regardless of whether I talk to 'Jane' and tell her that I still see her as a friend or not. I just didn't know if that it is necessary to have a little chat with 'Jane' letting her know that I still only see her as a friend - that was all I wished to accomplish with this thread. BTW, thanks for jumping to so many conclusions in your postings here. Thanks for being done with this subject - if you ever decide to read the entire thread it would be a pleasure reading your comments as I have enjoyed the posts of others.
I really can't figure out what you are failing to understand and why I am have to post the same thing after every post of yours (and Muadib's).
Thanks to everyone who has read the thread before replying - your advice is greatly appreciated and helped clear up a lot of things for me.
I decided that I do not need to talk to 'Jane' and that I will ask out the other girl for lunch later this week. However, when 'Jane' asks me what I did that day when I talk to her after going out with the other girl I'll obviously be honest and tell her that I went to lunch with the other girl.
I apologise for the harshness, but it starts to get to me and pisses me off when a guy's doing something that is disrespectful, at least as I perceive it, to a woman. It just gets me boiled. . . . It started to seem like it here with your posts. . . .
About the permission statement, I meant implicitly. By approaching her about your relationship with her, you would be doing just that implicitly. If you just went "I just want to remind you that we're just friends" and then next day she sees you with some chick who happens to be her friend, how would any decent person take it? You come to me like a kid about an old subject day one and then day two I see you with a friend of mine . . . no way. . . . Basically, doing that just is disrespectful as far as I am concerned. Date who you want and be friends with Jane, granting her the liberty to have feelings toward you even if you do not reciprocate it (for as long as you aren't leading her on).
"I decided that I do not need to talk to 'Jane' and that I will ask out the other girl for lunch later this week. However, when 'Jane' asks me what I did that day when I talk to her after going out with the other girl I'll obviously be honest and tell her that I went to lunch with the other girl."
*Phew!* Thank God! You finally got the point. You should act like a real man and take care of your business. However, you don't try to hide it from Jane should she ask you any questions. And cordially introduce the "friend of Jane's" into your friendship with Jane. That's the way a decent person does it instead of making a big deal about it or snubbing Jane.
I apologise for the harshness. But I really don't hold anything against you. I just love to express myself about a matter when I feel a certain way about it. Thanks for asking for advice. As I said earlier, if there should be anything new, feel free to update us. Best of luck!
About the permission statement, I meant implicitly. By approaching her about your relationship with her, you would be doing just that implicitly. If you just went "I just want to remind you that we're just friends" and then next day she sees you with some chick who happens to be her friend, how would any decent person take it? You come to me like a kid about an old subject day one and then day two I see you with a friend of mine . . . no way. . . . Basically, doing that just is disrespectful as far as I am concerned. Date who you want and be friends with Jane, granting her the liberty to have feelings toward you even if you do not reciprocate it (for as long as you aren't leading her on).
"I decided that I do not need to talk to 'Jane' and that I will ask out the other girl for lunch later this week. However, when 'Jane' asks me what I did that day when I talk to her after going out with the other girl I'll obviously be honest and tell her that I went to lunch with the other girl."
*Phew!* Thank God! You finally got the point. You should act like a real man and take care of your business. However, you don't try to hide it from Jane should she ask you any questions. And cordially introduce the "friend of Jane's" into your friendship with Jane. That's the way a decent person does it instead of making a big deal about it or snubbing Jane.
I apologise for the harshness. But I really don't hold anything against you. I just love to express myself about a matter when I feel a certain way about it. Thanks for asking for advice. As I said earlier, if there should be anything new, feel free to update us. Best of luck!
Thanks.Originally posted by: luvly
I apologise for the harshness, but it starts to get to me and pisses me off when a guy's doing something that is disrespectful, at least as I perceive it, to a woman. It just gets me boiled. . . . It started to seem like it here with your posts. . . .
About the permission statement, I meant implicitly. By approaching her about your relationship with her, you would be doing just that implicitly. If you just went "I just want to remind you that we're just friends" and then next day she sees you with some chick who happens to be her friend, how would any decent person take it? You come to me like a kid about an old subject day one and then day two I see you with a friend of mine . . . no way. . . . Basically, doing that just is disrespectful as far as I am concerned. Date who you want and be friends with Jane, granting her the liberty to have feelings toward you even if you do not reciprocate it (for as long as you aren't leading her on).
"I decided that I do not need to talk to 'Jane' and that I will ask out the other girl for lunch later this week. However, when 'Jane' asks me what I did that day when I talk to her after going out with the other girl I'll obviously be honest and tell her that I went to lunch with the other girl."
*Phew!* Thank God! You finally got the point. You should act like a real man and take care of your business. However, you don't try to hide it from Jane should she ask you any questions. And cordially introduce the "friend of Jane's" into your friendship with Jane. That's the way a decent person does it instead of making a big deal about it or snubbing Jane.
I apologise for the harshness. But I really don't hold anything against you. I just love to express myself about a matter when I feel a certain way about it. Thanks for asking for advice. As I said earlier, if there should be anything new, feel free to update us. Best of luck!
BTW, I disagree with you about the implicit permission (and about being disrespectful to 'Jane' - being disrespectful to women is one thing I do not stand for. I have been the shoulder for more than one girl to cry on when they are in relationships in which they are disrespected.)...considering it would be about a week and not the next day. Also, it isn't as though I know the other girl very well, so going out to lunch certainly would not be a 'date.' I can understand what you're saying, but disagree with it. If she asked what I did and I said, "Oh, I went to dinner and a movie with <other girl>" then I could understand what you are saying.
Anyway, good night - I'll report back on Thursday when I ask the other girl to lunch. Maybe sooner if I have any other news which is doubtful.
Thanks for all of the advice.
And I'm in.
Doing something this weekend - food then a movie. Traditionalist but it should be fun.
Doing something this weekend - food then a movie. Traditionalist but it should be fun.
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