>>Never a regret as far being away from her (don't dislike her, just never should have married in first place), massive regrets regarding the impact on my son.<<
Ratkill, your posts on this topic show real insight.
Many many couples try to make themselves feel good about
making their children the product of broken homes by
quoting platitudes such as "The kids could see we weren't
happy", or "It was better for the kids to face it now", etc etc.
You're right. EVERY child is SEVERELY damaged when his
Mom and Dad split. You may hear divorced parents bragging
that their kids are "flourishing". Don't believe it unless
you have the ability to crawl inside the child's brain
and experience his raw feelings.
You may hear couples contemplating "staying together for the
good of the kids". This strategy fails, of course, because
martyrs don't make good parents. Next time you hear this kind
of talk you might ask "How about staying together and building
a strong family?"
Ratkill, your posts on this topic show real insight.
Many many couples try to make themselves feel good about
making their children the product of broken homes by
quoting platitudes such as "The kids could see we weren't
happy", or "It was better for the kids to face it now", etc etc.
You're right. EVERY child is SEVERELY damaged when his
Mom and Dad split. You may hear divorced parents bragging
that their kids are "flourishing". Don't believe it unless
you have the ability to crawl inside the child's brain
and experience his raw feelings.
You may hear couples contemplating "staying together for the
good of the kids". This strategy fails, of course, because
martyrs don't make good parents. Next time you hear this kind
of talk you might ask "How about staying together and building
a strong family?"
Actually, Athanasius, it takes three.
From what I've seen and learned, there are two kinds of marriages. The first is between two people. The second is between two people and God. Without that third member of the union, the tough times are harder and the reasons for staying together or leaving come down to a selfish desire for pleasant feelings. Most (but not all) of the successful marriages I've seen in my life survived because both partners shared a strong belief in God.
Unfortunately that wasn't the case in my family, so I grew up in a situation much like JohnLee's. Coming home from school to an empty house while mom worked her butt off to support my brother and I and while dad moved from girlfriend to girlfriend was a tremendous learning experience, but nothing I would ever wish on any child.
I'm entering into my second year of marriage with a wonderful wife. Despite all the arguments and disagreements, sharing in prayer in bed each night, thanking God for all he has bestowed on us, brings all the petty things back into perspective.
Isla
I'd be interested to hear more about the "Religious abuse" that hurt your family. I think we could all easily recall instances where evil was perpetrated "in the name of god." I'm sorry that it has happened to you.
From what I've seen and learned, there are two kinds of marriages. The first is between two people. The second is between two people and God. Without that third member of the union, the tough times are harder and the reasons for staying together or leaving come down to a selfish desire for pleasant feelings. Most (but not all) of the successful marriages I've seen in my life survived because both partners shared a strong belief in God.
Unfortunately that wasn't the case in my family, so I grew up in a situation much like JohnLee's. Coming home from school to an empty house while mom worked her butt off to support my brother and I and while dad moved from girlfriend to girlfriend was a tremendous learning experience, but nothing I would ever wish on any child.
I'm entering into my second year of marriage with a wonderful wife. Despite all the arguments and disagreements, sharing in prayer in bed each night, thanking God for all he has bestowed on us, brings all the petty things back into perspective.
Isla
I'd be interested to hear more about the "Religious abuse" that hurt your family. I think we could all easily recall instances where evil was perpetrated "in the name of god." I'm sorry that it has happened to you.
We are trying.
I recommend The Shelter of Each Other,Rebuilding Our Families
by Mary Pipher PhD.
For the record, I am trying. If we succeed, halleluiah. If we fail, I guess they will have to canonize me.
PS Stark
I'll PM you later with the tale if you like. It certainly has been a test of faith for me.
I recommend The Shelter of Each Other,Rebuilding Our Families
by Mary Pipher PhD.
For the record, I am trying. If we succeed, halleluiah. If we fail, I guess they will have to canonize me.
PS Stark
I'll PM you later with the tale if you like. It certainly has been a test of faith for me.
Stark:
I agree
Every good and perfect gift comes down from God (James 1:16-17). Certainly, a committed, lasting marriage is a gracious gift. As I said, I have been graced with a wonderful wife. But, what God wants to do for us, He typically does through us. I believe this is true whether we recognize His presence or not. Similarly, I believe that every good thing we have in life flows from His grace whther we recognize His presence or not. That's why James said not to be deceived about the source of good gifts. The fact is, God is the source of every good thing. The deception is that I often fail to consciously recognize and live by this truth.
God is the source of every good thing, but He is not the source of abuse, particularly religious abuse. Few things are more tragic than abusing people in the Name of the Abused and Crucified Truth. Isla, I am sorry
I agree
Every good and perfect gift comes down from God (James 1:16-17). Certainly, a committed, lasting marriage is a gracious gift. As I said, I have been graced with a wonderful wife. But, what God wants to do for us, He typically does through us. I believe this is true whether we recognize His presence or not. Similarly, I believe that every good thing we have in life flows from His grace whther we recognize His presence or not. That's why James said not to be deceived about the source of good gifts. The fact is, God is the source of every good thing. The deception is that I often fail to consciously recognize and live by this truth.
God is the source of every good thing, but He is not the source of abuse, particularly religious abuse. Few things are more tragic than abusing people in the Name of the Abused and Crucified Truth. Isla, I am sorry
<< "How about staying together and building a strong family." >>
These were my feelings exactly, however, my wife abandonded her faith, although she wouldn't admit it, to pursue an adulterous affair. She refused to go with me to talk to the Father at our Parish saying he is only going to give her the religious implications of her actions and that she already knows that. Then she refused marriage counseling for 4 months until she found out I had talked to a lawyer about filing for a divorce. When she did finally say she thought we should get counseling the first thing she said was that she didn't feel any differently she just thought we should go. I think it was all show and fear. The show because she wanted to be able to say we went to counseling and the fear because she didn't want to be on her own.
She said the affair is only a symptom of her unhappiness and not an acutal problem itself. BULLSH!T. When she continues the affair after she time and time again tells me it's over - then it's the problem. Her main problem is low self-esteem. I would compliment her daily on how well she looked, that dinner was great (when she ever cooked) but it always seemed she was never fullfilled in whatever she did. In the end her new job in sales got her a lot of attention from men and I believe it went to her head. Her family and friends all think her ego is way out of check and that she is way too full of herself.
My kids are handling things as well as can be expected mainly because we still get along fine and we both agree the kids come first. Any disagreement we may have will not be allowed to affect our children it will remain between us and neither of us speaks bad about the other. The separation was and is difficult but they still see both Mom and Dad almost every day. Once divorce papers are filed and we tell them that we will be divorcing - then things are going to get tough, no doubt about it.
The girls attend Parochial schools so they have daily religious education, which I think helps them tremendously, and we attend Mass every Sunday together as a family, although I think my wife is a bit of a hypocrite.
In the end I still believe that if she had put an effort into personal and couples counseling and put forth a concerted effort to try and save our marriage, we could saved this marriage and family and have been stronger for it. There are no winner's here. There was never any kind of abuse from either of us and no lack of love for our children. In the end a selfish woman let her own hormones dictate the lives of 4 people. Her family is devastated and have all but disowned her, her friends don't talk to her anymore once they learned the truth behind our troubles from her sisters.
We all lose, my wife thinks we'll all be better for it. I would really hate to be her when the reality of this finally hits her and she realizes what we all lost.
Fathom4:
I am sorry. It seems, as you said, that your wife allowed her own tattered self-concept and hormones to devastate the lives of four people. It has been my experience that many people will initiate counseling. While this is in general a good sign, some people who initiate or submit to counseling do not seem interested in the hard work of self-evaluation and change. Rather, they attend counseling as a way of pacifying the still, small voice of God in their conscience. Then, at least they can say they tried.
Others pursue the hard, narrow road of serious self-evaluation and change. Biblically, this is true, inner repentance, a genuinely rare concept in a materialistic world. This is the way of the Word, the Way that is the Word. This is the road less traveled, but it is the road by which one discovers grace and healing. The paradox is, once the Grace and the Healing are discovered, one recognizes that it was there all along. May that Grace and Healing belong to you.
I am sorry. It seems, as you said, that your wife allowed her own tattered self-concept and hormones to devastate the lives of four people. It has been my experience that many people will initiate counseling. While this is in general a good sign, some people who initiate or submit to counseling do not seem interested in the hard work of self-evaluation and change. Rather, they attend counseling as a way of pacifying the still, small voice of God in their conscience. Then, at least they can say they tried.
Others pursue the hard, narrow road of serious self-evaluation and change. Biblically, this is true, inner repentance, a genuinely rare concept in a materialistic world. This is the way of the Word, the Way that is the Word. This is the road less traveled, but it is the road by which one discovers grace and healing. The paradox is, once the Grace and the Healing are discovered, one recognizes that it was there all along. May that Grace and Healing belong to you.
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