lxskllr
No Lifer
- Nov 30, 2004
- 60,000
- 10,483
- 126
From mastodon( @krypt3ia@infosec.exchange)
Portland, Oregon, this 27th day of September, Anno Domini 2025
My Dearest Bedelia,
I scrawl this by lantern light, surrounded by the tattered remnants of our regiment, their man buns sagging, their ironic beards singed by the flames of battle. We are a pitiful sight, but proud still. The National Guard came to crush us, to stamp out our rebellion with their Humvees and riot shields, but they did not reckon with the sheer resilience of men armed with cold brew and irony.
The field was chaos. Bearded cavalrymen on fixed-gear bicycles charged the line, their handlebars glinting in the sun. Squadrons of man-bun sharpshooters took position atop food carts, raining down insults about craft beer purity standards. The Guard returned fire with rubber bullets, but the beards absorbed much of the impact, acting as natural armor, thickened by years of kombucha and smug self-regard.
I myself led a company of artisanal soap-makers into the fray. Their musk of sandalwood and bergamot confused the enemy, who mistook it for some new chemical weapon. In truth, it was nothing more than the pungent sweat of men who have not used deodorant since Occupy.
And lo, Bedelia, we prevailed. The Guard faltered, overwhelmed not by our firepower, but by our sheer commitment to ironic detachment. One Guardsman, poor boy, dropped his weapon and confessed he could no longer fight after being mocked for his mainstream haircut. Truly, our sarcasm cuts deeper than any blade.
Now the city is ours again, for the moment. The men gather round, grooming their mustaches, tying their topknots, and sipping bitter IPAs brewed in bathtubs. I miss you terribly, my sweet Bedelia. Were you here, I would crown you with a wreath of kale and serenade you with banjo strums, though out of tune they may be.
Pray for us, for tomorrow the Guard may return, and our beards will again be put to the test.
Yours always,
Major Hugo “Manbun” Reynolds, Stumptown Volunteers
edit:
Whoops, wrong thread. Just pretend this is in the Hume thread, and it'll all work out ;^)
Portland, Oregon, this 27th day of September, Anno Domini 2025
My Dearest Bedelia,
I scrawl this by lantern light, surrounded by the tattered remnants of our regiment, their man buns sagging, their ironic beards singed by the flames of battle. We are a pitiful sight, but proud still. The National Guard came to crush us, to stamp out our rebellion with their Humvees and riot shields, but they did not reckon with the sheer resilience of men armed with cold brew and irony.
The field was chaos. Bearded cavalrymen on fixed-gear bicycles charged the line, their handlebars glinting in the sun. Squadrons of man-bun sharpshooters took position atop food carts, raining down insults about craft beer purity standards. The Guard returned fire with rubber bullets, but the beards absorbed much of the impact, acting as natural armor, thickened by years of kombucha and smug self-regard.
I myself led a company of artisanal soap-makers into the fray. Their musk of sandalwood and bergamot confused the enemy, who mistook it for some new chemical weapon. In truth, it was nothing more than the pungent sweat of men who have not used deodorant since Occupy.
And lo, Bedelia, we prevailed. The Guard faltered, overwhelmed not by our firepower, but by our sheer commitment to ironic detachment. One Guardsman, poor boy, dropped his weapon and confessed he could no longer fight after being mocked for his mainstream haircut. Truly, our sarcasm cuts deeper than any blade.
Now the city is ours again, for the moment. The men gather round, grooming their mustaches, tying their topknots, and sipping bitter IPAs brewed in bathtubs. I miss you terribly, my sweet Bedelia. Were you here, I would crown you with a wreath of kale and serenade you with banjo strums, though out of tune they may be.
Pray for us, for tomorrow the Guard may return, and our beards will again be put to the test.
Yours always,
Major Hugo “Manbun” Reynolds, Stumptown Volunteers
edit:
Whoops, wrong thread. Just pretend this is in the Hume thread, and it'll all work out ;^)
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