'Nother girl question... *last update*

[Orsorum]

Well, more along the lines of a rant, as I think I know how I should handle this...

I've been friends with this girl since... my jr. year of high school. Her family moved to Colorado a year ago; I've been in more or less constant contact with her since she moved. She's had a few boyfriends, nothing serious, but she's just started dating this guy about a week ago... *rolls eyes* She's 17, he's 22... one of those relationships that just shouldn't be. They're not sexually active or anything, but still.

So she sends me an email today, saying that she's falling for one of her guy friends again... that she's had feelings for him ever since she met him. Talk to her online later... apparently that friend is me. I'd suspected it, but it was kind of weird to hear her say it. Anywho... so we talked for a bit; she seems really frightened of losing me as a friend, if she were to date me. I find it funny, because I don't think, at this point, that it would affect our friendship all that much. I asked her a few questions before she really brought it out in the open; she would choose me over this other man, and she would be willing to wait... but I'm not sure I want to put this other guy in an awkward situation, and I don't want to force her to wait for something that she has no guarantee of (coming here for school, etc...).

I have feelings for her; at this point, however, I don't think I want to pursue them, simply because of the age/school difference and the distance; however, she'll be off to college in a year or two; depending on where she gets accepted, she'll probably end up somewhere in Washington, hopefully at the UW - note: this isn't just a selfish request to have her near me... I think she'd do well here. (yes, yes, funny how I defend before the accusation gets made... )

I would love to pursue a relationship with her. She's funny, smart, intelligent, beautiful, fun to be around; but for now, there's too much distance for a relationship to be wholly viable, imo. OTOH, I'm not exactly interested in dating anyone right now... had offers, but I just don't see anyone as being that much of a match...

So here's my dilemma... do I say something to the effect of "Yes, I'll wait for you..." with the knowledge that those kind of statements, while sincere, usually don't last... or do I just say "We'll see what happens..." and just let everything go free for a while?

Just curious to see what you guys think.

This is what she wrote to me...

I can't help but think I shouldn't have told you what I did..... We have been friends for so long... and I have liked you for the same period of time. Don't worry about it, our friendship is what really matters to me. I know that I am not the kind of girl you want to be with and that is fine. If I could go back and change my past.... where I have screwed up I would. Not for the sake of being with you but for me. Every night is a countless battle for me.... I hate that my virginity was lost by not my own free will but someone elses.... Nate.... I do like you but I have always been scared that if I dated you if I took that chance that I still feel is worth it that I would lose you as a friend..... I have thought about this inside and out and I told you because.... I need closure.

As chivalrous or innocent as this may sound... I would die before hurting this girl... she's one of my closest friends, and I've seen her go through a lot. I want what will be, in time, the best for her.

<--- to any of the women here... I could really use your guidance on this one. As tactful as I can be, as much experience as I have with delicate situations... it's always difficult to have to face it myself.

Thanks.

 

[Migroo]

Hi Zakath15

To be honest, while we can give you our thoughts based upon what you have told us, you are in a far better position to answer the question.

My feeling is - distance sucks the big fat one. Dont even go there until it is physically possible -> Whats the point of 'being together' if you dont/cant see each other?

I would say : lets see what happens.

 

[Orsorum]

Migroo - that's kinda what I was thinking... grrr... all this and I'm supposed to be an RA next year... help other people figure this stuff out, too....

Yeah, I'm considering taking that route... she'll be coming up sometime this summer, so she can hang out for a bit, we can talk and spend some time together, see if anything seems worth it for now.... argh.

I'm thinking I should cut and paste about half of my post into a letter to her... might be the easiest way to go about it.

*sigh* I'll see what Cygni, baff, Jfur and the others have to say. I'll give it a couple days. Thanks!

 

[Migroo]

Hehe its always easier to see the supposed answers to other people's problems, than to your own. Dont beat yourself up about it.

Well I dont want to sound as if I have it all figured out. From reading your extract, the girl sounds as if she has been through a lot. Thats really tough Problem is, would it be an issue for you? Her? For the relationship? It sounds as if it is already an issue..

I have been in a very similar situation. it is NOT nice.

I got cought up in my ex's depression. So badly that she dragged me down with her, and every day became a battle with her. She was not worth it. I really dont want to go there, but I want to assure you that I'm not comparing anyone here, just saying that its something you should bear in mind - however highly you think of her (and I wouldnt blame you if you did at all - I can relate to that) she does seem to be really unhappy.

Good luck mate, but I would seriously give this some time before you do anything.

Final thought - the distance is what should say 'no' right now, to say nothing of her depression. Dating someone who is depressed is life threatening.

[edit] - I just meant to say that I'm not branding her here - it just sounds as if she could be depressed, so this is all speculation etc.

 

[KahunaHube]

she sounds very reasonable.. a hard thing to find in a girl these days

but yes long distance relationships suck unless you 2 are the type that dont like to be physical with each other and enjoy conversations over the phone and internet more then going out and doing things

im sure she'll understand the whole distance and how it wont work stuff

 

[zhena]

dude...
i offer u this thought...

to find a girl that you've known for a while.. that says she is falling for you...
and you are into her too...

either now or later... if you never go for it... it's your loss...

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: KahunaHube
she sounds very reasonable.. a hard thing to find in a girl these days

but yes long distance relationships suck unless you 2 are the type that dont like to be physical with each other and enjoy conversations over the phone and internet more then going out and doing things

im sure she'll understand the whole distance and how it wont work stuff

Thank you... I think I will just have to give it time, and see how she matures (and me, ) over the coming years... funny, that, how I view it in terms of years, not weeks or months. But I am viewing the next phase of my life in years... nothing happens quickly, in cases like these.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: zhena
dude...
i offer u this thought...

to find a girl that you've known for a while.. that says she is falling for you...
and you are into her too...

either now or later... if you never go for it... it's your loss...

That's... what I thought, too. I was surprised when she told me... caught me totally off-guard... this isn't supposed to happen to guys like me!!!

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

Tell her about your reservations due to the distance, but do tell her that you'd love to have a relationship with her. This way you can work it out together, which tends to be a better way to deal with a relationship than ATOT
Only you two can make the decisions here, and if you truly have feelings for eachother and are prepared to wait you can at least see how it goes. If it doesn't work out you can talk about it then, but if you don't give it a chance you will have lost it before it even started.

It may not work out, but then it may also work out perfectly.

 

[Moonbeam]

Move to Colorado.

 

[gopunk]

whenever i have such problems, i like to think about what i would tell a friend if he were in the same situation.

anyhow... LD relationships seriously bite. i mean, i have trouble with a relationship where i'm only an 1-2 hour away, i can't imagine colorado. if i were you, i would hold off until it's feasible, like migroo said. i mean the only thing you have to lose is that she might not like you anymore... but you said you want what will be best for her

 

[imiloa]

pics?

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: imiloa
pics?

lol Actually... I might have one. Lemme go check.

EDIT: I have one, but it's a crappy pic. I'll see if I can rummage around and find a newer one...

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

Originally posted by: Zakath15

Originally posted by: imiloa
pics?

lol Actually... I might have one. Lemme go check.

EDIT: I have one, but it's a crappy pic. I'll see if I can rummage around and find a newer one...

Sure you want to put her through _that_?

 

[Hammer]

Long distance relationships never work unless you're already married. I don't even try anymore, if a girl is leaviing and isn't coming back with a few months permanently, I usually end it then and there. Now you're talking about starting a relationship long distance? Bad idea. You're dooming it to failure. Let me tell you something about girls. Some girls like the idea of being in a relationship rather than actually being in one. Tell her the distance thing is a problem, and if she/you move closer in the future you'll see what happens.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Skyclad1uhm1

Originally posted by: Zakath15

Originally posted by: imiloa
pics?

lol Actually... I might have one. Lemme go check.

EDIT: I have one, but it's a crappy pic. I'll see if I can rummage around and find a newer one...

Sure you want to put her through _that_?

<--- pssst.... I don't actually have any pics of her on my comp...

Besides, I wouldn't want a bunch of guys on here fapping away to her...

EDIT: so "fapping" is okay, but f@p isn't... cool.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: hammer09
Long distance relationships never work unless you're already married. I don't even try anymore, if a girl is leaviing and isn't coming back with a few months permanently, I usually end it then and there. Now you're talking about starting a relationship long distance? Bad idea. You're dooming it to failure. Let me tell you something about girls. Some girls like the idea of being in a relationship rather than actually being in one. Tell her the distance thing is a problem, and if she/you move closer in the future you'll see what happens.

Thanks for the insight... something along the lines of what I was thinking... *sigh*

 

[Geekbabe]

LOL,I was going to give you my thoughts but realised that for the last yr all that's asked me out are dweebs,dorks and lesbians,maybe I'll leave the advice giving to those who have actual romantic lives
as I appear to have become just another geek loser !

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: baffled2
LOL,I was going to give you my thoughts but realised that for the last yr all that's asked me out are dweebs,dorks and lesbians,maybe I'll leave the advice giving to those who have actual romantic lives !

/\ this woman leads a very interesting life. If I'm ever in the Boston area, I'll treat you to coffee, we can chat and laugh over our romantic foibles.

<--- not some weird guy who meets people online. Really. WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?!?!?!

 

[StageLeft]

Go for it. Don't hold back because you might get everything you wanted and if you pussy foot around you'll regret it later.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Skoorb
Go for it. Don't hold back because you might get everything you wanted and if you pussy foot around you'll regret it later.

Even if the relationship is starting out as a long-distance relationship? I'm not afraid of being with her, just afraid that rushing into it while we're a thousand miles apart might not be the best beginning to it.

*sigh* How to write what I'm thinking...

<--- befuddled, as he can normally express what he's thinking through writing.

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

Originally posted by: Zakath15

Originally posted by: Skoorb
Go for it. Don't hold back because you might get everything you wanted and if you pussy foot around you'll regret it later.

Even if the relationship is starting out as a long-distance relationship? I'm not afraid of being with her, just afraid that rushing into it while we're a thousand miles apart might not be the best beginning to it.

*sigh* How to write what I'm thinking...

<--- befuddled, as he can normally express what he's thinking through writing.

As I said: if you say 'no' now it will never be something. She will go and lead her own life, and look for other men, and you will lead your own life sitting behind your computer fapping to pics on ATOT. Talk to her about the distance, and make sure you both know what you want from the other. This way you can see whether it works out, without losing her before giving it a chance.

 

[GoodRevrnd]

Beginning long distance relationships with friends is almost always bad (speaking from what I've observed w/ all my friends). There's nothing wrong w/ dating friends if you have serious feelings for each other, though. After all, being friends you already have one foot in the door.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: GoodRevrnd
Beginning long distance relationships with friends is almost always bad (speaking from what I've observed w/ all my friends). There's nothing wrong w/ dating friends if you have serious feelings for each other, though. After all, being friends you already have one foot in the door.

Mmm... one of these situations I never really wanted to face... it's good, and yet, bad. One of those situations I never really expected to happen, so I never really thought about it.... ggrrr!!!!

 

[Bluga]

Go for it, at least u have tried.