'Nother girl question... *last update*

[NikPreviousAcct]

If you don't go for it now, you'll kick yourself later in life when you realize that you had a chance and that your feelings are stronger than you thought they were. The simple fact that you're even contemplating this is proof enough for me... Take advantage of the situation life has given you. You may not get another.

nik

 

[Eli]

Originally posted by: gopunk
whenever i have such problems, i like to think about what i would tell a friend if he were in the same situation.

anyhow... LD relationships seriously bite. i mean, i have trouble with a relationship where i'm only an 1-2 hour away, i can't imagine colorado. if i were you, i would hold off until it's feasible, like migroo said. i mean the only thing you have to lose is that she might not like you anymore... but you said you want what will be best for her

Yeah, LD relationships aren't any fun.. But if you both think you can do it..

My girlfriend lives 236.7 miles away from me, in Port Angeles, Washington. It's been hard the last few months, but.. We're strong, we'll make it.. lol.

Only 34 more days until school is out!! Woohoo!! Can't wait..

She'll get to come down here, for the first time, without worrying about when she'l have to leave..

Long distance relationships never work unless you're already married. I don't even try anymore, if a girl is leaviing and isn't coming back with a few months permanently, I usually end it then and there. Now you're talking about starting a relationship long distance? Bad idea. You're dooming it to failure. Let me tell you something about girls. Some girls like the idea of being in a relationship rather than actually being in one. Tell her the distance thing is a problem, and if she/you move closer in the future you'll see what happens.

While I agree that LD relationships are hard, I wouldn't say they never work. Ours has worked beautifully, and we're certainly not married yet.

 

[NutBucket]

I will offer this much. I have been in similar situations and the best thing I found was this: I either go for a drive with no destination or go somewhere in particular, gather my thoughts and write them all out. Doesn't matter if I even give them to the person, though usually I do. It helps just to be away from everything, such that your mind doesn't wander. By doing such you'll be able to clear your mind and your thoughts on the pertinent subject can be more easily formed. Personally, I would recommend you make her aware of your thought processes. It seems that this situations warrants such.

Hope this helps and gl. Feel free to PM or IM me.

 

[bizmark]

Skyclad1uhm1's advice sounds good. The distance is an obstacle, but it can be overcome. I'm sure that you could see each other at least 2-3 times a year. While that doesn't sound like much, IMO that's really all that's necessary if you feel certain that you're made for each other. You've already said you haven't really found anyone that you're interested in dating.

OTOH, you didn't really sound that interested in her. All of your statements to that effect have been somewhat reserved. You didn't say that you hoped that it was you she was referring to in her "I like one of my guy friends" email... you didn't say that you had liked her for a long time... you didn't say that your heart leapt when she told you. If you're really not *that* interested in her, then maybe this isn't the right thing to do.

Heh, sorry to be so even-handed... this is a tough situation. My final recommendation: tell her that you would love to go out with her, but you don't think it's really doable right now, but you'd be happy to in the future, barring either one of you being hooked up at the time. You won't "wait" or reserve yourself for her, and she won't do so for you. Then, a couple of years down the road, if things happen... they happen.

An observation: Life's choices often seem much harder than they really are. We make such a big deal of binary decisions: A or B, which will it be; this will affect my entire life; this is soooooo important; if I blow this I'm screwed; yadda yadda yadda. When in reality, you'll be equally happy in the long run, with either A or B. Life just has a way of working itself out for the best. We are adaptable creatures, and even when we make a "bad" decision, we often are able to turn lemons into lemonade. So stop stressing, OK?

 

[SCSIfreek]

take it slowly, don't rush it nor ignore it.


--Scsi

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: bizmark
An observation: Life's choices often seem much harder than they really are. We make such a big deal of binary decisions: A or B, which will it be; this will affect my entire life; this is soooooo important; if I blow this I'm screwed; yadda yadda yadda. When in reality, you'll be equally happy in the long run, with either A or B. Life just has a way of working itself out for the best. We are adaptable creatures, and even when we make a "bad" decision, we often are able to turn lemons into lemonade. So stop stressing, OK?

Thank you for the wise words.

I have had a crush on her in the past, several times, and I care deeply for her. But I acknowledge the reality of our situation... age difference (one year, two school grades), location differences, slight lifestyle differences... reality that she may not come up here at all... knowledge that LD relationships are just very difficult.... although I have definitely seen it done.

I'm not exactly the kind of guy to have "his heart leap up", although it did twitch when she told me, . Part of it also is my personal style... I'm not going to sound like an excited fifteen year old when I talk about stuff like this simply because... I tend to be very jaded (or realistic) regarding these situations.

 

[bizmark]

Originally posted by: Zakath15
Thank you for the wise words.

Thanks for the compliment I'm still young, though, so take my words with a grain or two of salt.

First Grain: I didn't mean to say that you should take every decision lightly, because clearly some decisions have the opportunity to make you happy or miserable for a substantial period of your life. However, such decisions are rare, and they're usually pretty clear-cut. Choosing to marry somebody is one of those decisions. Choosing to date somebody is not. If you date her, there are multiple possible outcomes. You could end up falling in love and getting married -- great. You could end up breaking up -- not so great, but better than getting married if you weren't right for each other. On the other hand, if you don't date her, there are also multiple possible outcomes. She may be sad for a while, and you may have missed out on a person with whom you would have been happy, but you'll both find someone else eventually and lead happy lives. Or, perhaps she'll come to school at UW and you'll date and be happy. This sort of ambiguity of outcomes (there are obviously many more) leads me to believe that no matter what you do here, everything will turn up well in the end.

I have had a crush on her in the past, several times, and I care deeply for her. But I acknowledge the reality of our situation... age difference (one year, two school grades), location differences, slight lifestyle differences... reality that she may not come up here at all... knowledge that LD relationships are just very difficult.... although I have definitely seen it done.

I'm not exactly the kind of guy to have "his heart leap up", although it did twitch when she told me, . Part of it also is my personal style... I'm not going to sound like an excited fifteen year old when I talk about stuff like this simply because... I tend to be very jaded (or realistic) regarding these situations.

I don't know -- as you said, this may just be your personal style -- but I just get the feeling that your heart isn't really into this. IMO the only time you should start a LD relationship with somebody is when your heart just won't let you do otherwise -- you truly feel so much for the person that despite your brain's reservations about practical issues, you just feel you have to do so. Yes, this happens If you're going into this calculatedly, and weighing this girl versus other possible future girls in your head, and doing all sorts of analysis, then it's not going to work. If you feel it, if you know that you can't stand the thought of her going out with some other guy, then it could work.

IMO if your heart's not into it from the beginning, it'll never work. Even if your heart is into it, it may not work, but it doesn't have a chance otherwise.

 

[linuxboy]

Zakath,

Have you asked the only entity whose opinion really matters here?


pray.

Cheers !

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: linuxboy
Zakath,

Have you asked the only entity whose opinion really matters here?


pray.

Cheers !

Aye, I have... I prayed last night for her, and for me, and for my future wife. Haven't gotten quite the right response in my own head yet. Until then, I'll keep praying.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: bizmark
I don't know -- as you said, this may just be your personal style -- but I just get the feeling that your heart isn't really into this. IMO the only time you should start a LD relationship with somebody is when your heart just won't let you do otherwise -- you truly feel so much for the person that despite your brain's reservations about practical issues, you just feel you have to do so. Yes, this happens If you're going into this calculatedly, and weighing this girl versus other possible future girls in your head, and doing all sorts of analysis, then it's not going to work. If you feel it, if you know that you can't stand the thought of her going out with some other guy, then it could work.

IMO if your heart's not into it from the beginning, it'll never work. Even if your heart is into it, it may not work, but it doesn't have a chance otherwise.

How can I say whether or not my 'heart' is in it? The last time I let my heart do the talking, I ended up in a year-long relationship with an abusive and domineering woman. The time before that, I got cheated on...

I'm trying to go about this logically because the only voice in my head (besides God's) that's been right in the past has been my conscience (the logical little voice in the back of my head)... and I'm trying to listen to it this time. The only thing is, it's not giving me answers... only stuff to think about.

 

[Orsorum]

Dangit... a'ight, I'm gonna go lift weights for a bit, give my brain time to rest.

 

[hpkeeper]

Zakath... before I try and help you out, let me get a few things out about posting in the ATOT for relationship help:

go with YOUR gut feeling, I just posted a topic yesterday dealing with a girl... my advice is take advice... don't take the opinion of the people on the board that say "Don't bother" or "forget about it", none of us know how you actually feel about this girl, we can all interpret and we can all assume your feelings for her, but we can't actually have those feelings.

Now that that's out.... you said she lives in colorado, where do you live? you said you where a junior in high school, so that severely limits your mobility due to parents and whatnot. I think you should definately ride this out... and see what happens, not to discourage you but girls your age change their mind about guys every week or so. But if you like her, I think you should stick with her and see what you can do to be with her. You said that you two are really good friends, I have been in relationships with people who have been really good friends, they kick ass. However, that's another reason not to hook up with her, one of two things is likely to happen if you two split.

A. you hate each other

-or-

B. You're better friends than you where before.

I've only had option B happen once with any girlfriend, take a risk... don't take a risk, DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY. I think you should see what happens with this girl... but I don't think that you should commit yourself to her by saying "Yes, I'll wait for you..." I also don't think you should let her fill your mind every single second of the day as a potential girlfriend, you're gonna kill yourself if you do. While keeping her in mind I think you should definately browse the crowd, you are in high school, you aren't going to get married to anyone in the near future, take advantage of being young, but definately see how things play out.

 

[Orsorum]

lol I'm sorry, I should have clarified.

I'm a freshman in college now (18, 19 in July), she's a jr. in high school (17, 18 sometime early next year). I was a jr. in high school when I met her. That's what I'm referring to when I talk about an age differential, and grade difference.

I live in Seattle, going to school at the UW, she's looking at colleges around the area.

Thanks for your advice... and I do realize the perils of accepting advice from other people... but it all helps to give some perspective, at least. I'll reply a little more indepth later, hopefully, after my muscles are good and sore.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: hpkeeper
You said that you two are really good friends, I have been in relationships with people who have been really good friends, they kick ass. However, that's another reason not to hook up with her, one of two things is likely to happen if you two split.

That's exactly what I'm weighing and measuring...

 

[bizmark]

Originally posted by: Zakath15
How can I say whether or not my 'heart' is in it? The last time I let my heart do the talking, I ended up in a year-long relationship with an abusive and domineering woman. The time before that, I got cheated on...

I'm trying to go about this logically because the only voice in my head (besides God's) that's been right in the past has been my conscience (the logical little voice in the back of my head)... and I'm trying to listen to it this time. The only thing is, it's not giving me answers... only stuff to think about.

Yeah, I know the "heart is in it" stuff sounds like bullsh|t, but it's just one of those things... if you have to ask, it's not. When I started a long-distance relationship, I felt like I *had* to. I couldn't feel right with myself not doing so. I tried to resist, and I did for several days, but my feeling was that I had to do it. Sure, there was some logic involved, and most of it was going the opposite direction -- saying "Don't do this!!" -- but my feelings overwhelmed my mind, and I had to go for it.

It sucks that you've been hurt in the past. Two things on that front: 1) Hurting makes us human 2) Do you seriously think that that would happen this time, with this girl you've known so long and so well? Do you think that she would abuse you or cheat on you? Just because bad stuff has happened in the past when you've followed your heart, doesn't mean that it will happen in the future... don't turn off your emotions, because then those bitches who used you in the past will have won! You will have been turned into a jaded old man who can't trust a woman with his feelings. That will spell trouble when you finally find a woman whom you could trust, if only you'd let her.

And I'd say that your conscience is at least 1/2 heart. The heart isn't always illogical; in fact, sometimes it knows better than the brain Furthermore, sometimes you need a little illogic, because logic doesn't always help you reach a decision.

 

[KennyTheGreat]

PICSSSSSSS?????

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: KennyTheGreat
PICSSSSSSS?????

Already answered above, I don't have any.

 

[Farmall]

If you both have feelings for the other as it seems to be why throw it away?

IMHO - LD relationships can work beautifully if you are both willing to work at it. I think its actually good to be apart at some point during the "building" years, you will find that your heart knows best no matter what you tell yourself that you would like to believe.

A number of years back I was in a similar situation as you are now. We lived about 15 hours apart and in different countries - she is Canadien. There where times that we both felt that it was too far and we didn't see each other enough, I believe today that the distance actually made our relationship stonger in the long run. This November will be our ninth anniversary and I will say this that the time we've spent together now, and the fun we've had makes any amount of distance prior well worth it.

You stated a couple of factors - age, school, distance. They are all viable concerns that you will need to address for yourself. There is no need to rush, relationships tend to work themselves out in the end.

Its getting a bit late so I hope this makes some sort of sense.

Farmall

 

[Kadarin]

Zakath15: Lots of good advice in this thread, and I'm not one to tell you what you should do in this situation. As others have said, it could either work out extremely well for you both, or it could flop. However, something does disturb me a bit with regard to what she has written to you.

Every night is a countless battle for me.... I hate that my virginity was lost by not my own free will but someone elses.... Nate.... I do like you but I have always been scared that if I dated you if I took that chance that I still feel is worth it that I would lose you as a friend..... I have thought about this inside and out and I told you because.... I need closure.

Is it me or do I get the impression that she's somehow hoping that you're the answer to her own internal confusion and self-doubt? She's bothered by the way in which her virginity was lost, and then comes to you saying she needs closure.. hoping perhaps that you're her knight in shining armor.

How will she feel about this next week? Next month?

 

[heartsurgeon]

the overwhelming odds are that no matter what the circumstances, this "relationship" will not be permanent - just because of your respective ages, and level of maturity (or lack of). I am not trying to be disrespectful - just realistic. both of you will grow and change significantly over the next 4-8 years, and the odds are you will grow apart with time (no matter what you do). dating experiences and relation ships will help you mature and sort out what you can offer a mate, and what you can expect from a mate, and what the true workings of a serious relationship (the definition of love) are all about (compromise and mutual respect, not sex, sex,sex). it would be the rare couple that figure this all out with their first relationship, at your ages. if you feel the need to develop this relationship further - go ahead. it will help you understand yourself and your feelings towards your friend better. be respectful with your friend, and nothing but good things can come of this relationship.

 

[Orsorum]

We talked for two hours or so last night... it was good.

A couple things I realized... first off, I love talking to this girl. She's intelligent, witty... she puts up with my bad jokes and sarcastic attitude. She's more mature than most of the girls I've met in college. Second... I think she's scared to death of being rejected by me, 'cuz that's what my attitude has been for the last seven months or so (even before that, actually). Third... well... no third thing just yet.

We broached the topic of her email a little bit - I'm still confused as to exactly what I want to say. She had to go before I could really figure out how to say it.

I think I want to go ahead and give the relationship a try. Again... I have absolutely no idea how we would do it, or exactly what it will end up like, etc. In spite of all that... I think it could be a chance for both of us to deepen our friendship and, with patience, maybe eventually build a physical, in-person relationship on top of that.

I told her I'd write her an email tonight, explaining my thoughts... still not sure how I'm going to say it. I'll give it some time tonight, write it out, etc... I'll let y'all know what I come up with, and what her response is...

Wish me luck.

<--- runs off to write.

 

[Orsorum]

'K... 'nother update... (I'll let this thread die eventually, )

Talked with her tonight... had another awesome discussion. The whole thing is up in the air right now... all I'm doing at this point is praying for her, for myself, and my future wife... she has told me that she's waiting for me to make the decision regarding the direction - which is a first for me.

So... I'll give it a night, think about it, see what I can think of.

I've been thinking about it... some people raised a good point earlier, that I'm going about this rather dispassionately for a beginning to a relationship. I realize that I'm going about this logically... but at this point, it's the easiest way for me to go about it. To say that I'm head over heels in love is false... I'm not swooning over her. IMO, that kind of love is false for me in general, simply because I don't make good decisions when I'm head over heels in love.

However... I think I'm gaining more and more respect and admiration for her as time goes on. Getting to talk to her more than I have been in the last couple months... I just realize how amazing she is as a friend, and how honest we are with each other. For right now... that's enough for me.

I was talking with my roommate, a guy who's been doing a LD relationship with a girl he started dating in h.s... I asked him if he really felt "all that deeply" about her when they started going out, if he was thinking far ahead into their future... his just smiled and said, "I just thought she was cute." I cracked up when he said that... but it gave me yet another spin on things. Why not give this a try? There's nothing that can inherently go wrong, besides possibly losing the friendship... but thus far, knowing that there are mutual feeling between us hasn't changed the tone of our conversations at all, at least, not that I can discern.

That's all for tonight... need to give it some more thought and prayer.

 

[Migroo]

Sounds good Zakath15.

Originally posted by: Zakath15
We talked for two hours or so last night... it was good.

A couple things I realized... first off, I love talking to this girl. She's intelligent, witty... she puts up with my bad jokes and sarcastic attitude. She's more mature than most of the girls I've met in college. Second... I think she's scared to death of being rejected by me, 'cuz that's what my attitude has been for the last seven months or so (even before that, actually). Third... well... no third thing just yet.

Something you might like to think about in responce to what you wrote here. Yes, she may be awesome now, but dont assume it will always be this way. A major factor here is that she doesnt 'have' you yet - it sounds as if its in here interests to make herself desirable. This sounds really bad, but I've seen a lot of people slack on the effort of everything (mood (big one this), tolerance of the other etc is what I am getting at) once the relationship is really going. Combine that with Long Distance and it gets really hard, because at best its all on the telephone and (far worse) over some IM program.

I realise that I'm being the pessimist here, and its probably not helping, but having read all of the above, I dont really think I need to put any optimism in, theres already plenty of that . Just thought I'd show you the other side of the coin - I may be completely wrong of course, just a 'be careful'

Take care and good luck

 

[Orsorum]

Hehe, thank you for all of your thoughts... they are more than greatly appreciated.

I realize all the risks involved...and I'm approaching this as logically as I can. I realize that people change... this is the nature of life. If, in a month, it's not working, we can call it off. If, in a year, we've taken different directions... that's the way it goes.

For now... I guess it kinda comes down to "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead".

 

[Migroo]

Good, you seem to be taking this logically, but try to enjoy yourself!

Good luck