Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
There's a difference between being occasionally unhappy and in having your self-esteem chipped away by a control freak till you wish you were dead.
This woman cannot even call the OP by the name he prefers,that's a pretty open expression of loathing and contempt if you ask me.She's flat out telling him she doesn't give a damn about his
preferences or needs.
If you have kids, you have to put them first here. If you think they would be happier with parents who don't get along or parents who don't live together, that's how I'd make the decision.
And I think this thread has shown me just how much ignorance you can get from the Bible if you try. "Witty knock at femenism" or not, your sig is quite possibly the most ignorant thing I have ever read in a sig on AT. I'm inclined to think that YOU are part of the problem as well, maybe you should consider that.
And I think this thread has shown me just how much ignorance you can get from the Bible if you try. "Witty knock at femenism" or not, your sig is quite possibly the most ignorant thing I have ever read in a sig on AT. I'm inclined to think that YOU are part of the problem as well, maybe you should consider that.
do your children realize that there are problems between you and your wife? if not maybe you should explaine to them what is going on, it's better that they know whats going on then just be clueless on the subject, regardless if you think it is their business or not, your still their parents, and they have a right to know.
my parents started the divorce process in june of this year, i had to live with their sh!t for 8 years, the fighting (never physical), arguments, the times where they would be living seperatly. it's a lot harder on kids than you may think. when everything was finalized, bout two months ago, i was talking to my boss, and close friend, he told me that when all this kids started highschool he told them how much he loves him then went on to say that if something did come between him and his wife that they would end their marriage. although he loves his kids and has provided for them since the minuet they were born, he wasen't willing to sacrafice his happiness for them.
if your wife cant change with help, than maybe it's time to consider other options. trying splitting up for a while, maybe the fact of being alone will make her realize that her control issues are a lot more serious than she may think. if that dosen't work, divorce, there is no reason for you to stay in a relationship that you arn't truly happy with. if it comes down to that, make sure you explaine to your kids why, even at 6 and 12 they will be more understanding than you think.
good luck
my parents started the divorce process in june of this year, i had to live with their sh!t for 8 years, the fighting (never physical), arguments, the times where they would be living seperatly. it's a lot harder on kids than you may think. when everything was finalized, bout two months ago, i was talking to my boss, and close friend, he told me that when all this kids started highschool he told them how much he loves him then went on to say that if something did come between him and his wife that they would end their marriage. although he loves his kids and has provided for them since the minuet they were born, he wasen't willing to sacrafice his happiness for them.
if your wife cant change with help, than maybe it's time to consider other options. trying splitting up for a while, maybe the fact of being alone will make her realize that her control issues are a lot more serious than she may think. if that dosen't work, divorce, there is no reason for you to stay in a relationship that you arn't truly happy with. if it comes down to that, make sure you explaine to your kids why, even at 6 and 12 they will be more understanding than you think.
good luck
I feel too many people take themselves or their mate too seriously which leads to a lot of unnecessary problems.
Myself, it took me many years living with the same woman to realize we both wanted to have the last words and thus the cause of many arguements getting carried away.
Trust me these are the magic words and they work every time. No matter what my wife says I say "You are probably right"
Myself, it took me many years living with the same woman to realize we both wanted to have the last words and thus the cause of many arguements getting carried away.
Trust me these are the magic words and they work every time. No matter what my wife says I say "You are probably right"
My wife yells at me if I don't eat fruit in the proper order (last in first out). She's actually labeled items in the refrigerator so I get it right.
She lost all interest in being intimate about 2 1/2 years ago.
At least your wife calls you by name, my wife just starts talking to me without getting my attention and then yells at my for not listening.
I can't remember the last time she had something good to say about me. When she goes on a rant about what a jerk I am, I just nod my head and agree with her.
If I wasn't mentally tough I probably would have snapped long ago.
Anyway, I have some idea what you're going through.
I'll be prayin' for you, Tom.
She lost all interest in being intimate about 2 1/2 years ago.
At least your wife calls you by name, my wife just starts talking to me without getting my attention and then yells at my for not listening.
I can't remember the last time she had something good to say about me. When she goes on a rant about what a jerk I am, I just nod my head and agree with her.
If I wasn't mentally tough I probably would have snapped long ago.
Anyway, I have some idea what you're going through.
I'll be prayin' for you, Tom.
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Not to be a prick, but given that description of your relationship... why are you still married?
Yeah, and I have even gone into the worst of it. She's anti-social so she doesn't have any friends and we never go out. She routinely barks orders to me like a drill sergant. My in-laws were just here and my father-in-law confided in me that he had a talk with her about her behavior. So far it hasn't done any good.
I think that she's clinically depressed and, of course, she won't get any help.
It all stems back, I believe, to trauma she suffered as a child.
It should have been a red flag when she told me before we got married that she'd never been happy.
i feel for you dude. too often we think "love conquers all" or we're told that anyway. or that "I know I can make this person happy".it doesn't always work out that way.
Originally posted by: SagaLore
Go ask your wife which one it is, 3 or 6, and then get back to us.
Um, she'd say longer. She is still angry that the first place we lived in was an efficiency in Miami. I asked her if she was still mad about that she said "I can't believe I married a man that would live there, let alone take his new wife there." That was 15years ago.
I was young, poor, had no clue. We were out of there in 60 days. We both worked and improved our apartments according to our incomes over the years until now we own a nice home. Still, she's angry about that first house and who knows what else. The real struggle started when she couldn't manage the $$ anymore.
Tom, I hate to be blunt and rude about this, but if it's tearing you up that much, then put your foot down and tell her to STFU.
If she crosses the line, then you need to push her as far back as you can. She wants to spend all of your money? Tell her to get a damn job. She wants to tell you when and where to get your oil changed? Do it a month early at a different location.
It seems to me the problem is partly because you let yourself be controlled. Take that control, stomp on it, crumble it up, break it into a million pieces, then urinate on it until the point is taken.
Grow a pair, Tom. The 13 English Colonies didn't get what they wanted by following the King's orders.
If she crosses the line, then you need to push her as far back as you can. She wants to spend all of your money? Tell her to get a damn job. She wants to tell you when and where to get your oil changed? Do it a month early at a different location.
It seems to me the problem is partly because you let yourself be controlled. Take that control, stomp on it, crumble it up, break it into a million pieces, then urinate on it until the point is taken.
Grow a pair, Tom. The 13 English Colonies didn't get what they wanted by following the King's orders.
alkemyst
No Lifer
- Feb 13, 2001
- 83,769
- 19
- 81
a lot of this stuff makes no sense.
I can see the comment "no place to take a new bride" from a third party...but she had no idea where you guys would live or did you just exclude her from picking a place?
Another thing I looked at was your system rig....just under a terabyte of storage and other goodies for yourself may make her feel she is entitled to spend money also.
Regardless if you make more things are to be split. It's a shared existance. Even now in my lowest paying job ever I am making double my wife's salary...I am not about to tell her she can't buy something because she barely covers half our bills. That's just the way it goes.
I will be really curious about the therapy next week....there seems to be tons of issues all working in a synergistic effect to make both of you unhappy. Something tells me that this probably has been going on all 15years and now it become the relationship et al.
It's got to suck for both of you and your kids. They may need to talk to someone too....I can't see how they have not been affected.
good luck with it all and hopefully you are looking for help and not a yes man. That's common in therapy and the outcome is usually "the therapist liked you better, sided with you because she is a woman too, etc"
Å
I can see the comment "no place to take a new bride" from a third party...but she had no idea where you guys would live or did you just exclude her from picking a place?
Another thing I looked at was your system rig....just under a terabyte of storage and other goodies for yourself may make her feel she is entitled to spend money also.
Regardless if you make more things are to be split. It's a shared existance. Even now in my lowest paying job ever I am making double my wife's salary...I am not about to tell her she can't buy something because she barely covers half our bills. That's just the way it goes.
I will be really curious about the therapy next week....there seems to be tons of issues all working in a synergistic effect to make both of you unhappy. Something tells me that this probably has been going on all 15years and now it become the relationship et al.
It's got to suck for both of you and your kids. They may need to talk to someone too....I can't see how they have not been affected.
good luck with it all and hopefully you are looking for help and not a yes man. That's common in therapy and the outcome is usually "the therapist liked you better, sided with you because she is a woman too, etc"
Å
Normally I would advise you to kick her to the curb, but today I was reading some psychology research about the cingulate gyrus and I think you should read this: http://www.brainplace.com/bp/brainsystem/cingulate.asp .
It talks about how some people have these sorts of compulsive behaviors and how it is based on brain chemistry. Sometimes we have to accept that some of our behaviors can be so far from normal that there might be an underlying physical problem. I don't know what the reputation of the author is but I guarantee that you will find it excellent reading and will at a minimum give you leads that will help you and your wife find a solution. You must read this. He absolutely describes people with the same behaviors that you attribute to your wife.
I dated a girl my senior year of high school who was like this. A very religious girl, raised Baptist, beautiful young woman; however, my first clue should have been her parents, whose relationship was among the most dysfunctional I've ever seen. Her mom weighed near 300 pounds, slept in the master bedroom; managed a DQ. Her father was an electrician, he slept on a couch in what was once the dining room. All of his belongings were in there. He was literally a second-class citizen in his own house; all the financial decisions were made by this girl's mother, and most of the household decisions. Not only that, her mom was a nag, a woman whom, if I saw her now, I would advise to mind her own business and stop controlling my behavior.
This obviously set the stage for a highly disturbed and unhealthy girl, who possessed no knowledge or concept of a healthy relationship. When the relationship first began, it was a typical high school relationship, dances, dates, etc., and it was genuinely fun. But once we passed a couple of months, it turned into an emotionally abusive relationship. I was codependent on her, and she was domineering over me. She said that she wanted to have a Godly husband, a man who would be an example and a spiritual leader for her, but she didn't want that: she wanted the idea, while still maintaining control emotionally and physically. We stopped most physical activity after about nine months, because she didn't want "lustful thoughts". And I went along with it. I wanted to make her happy, and I genuinely wanted to be a good man, a good partner (and I still do, to the woman whom I marry). But my codependency subverted my healthy desire both for physical intimacy and emotional independence and maturity.
We went to visit my dad's house in California the August before we both left for college; her reactions around my family, where she reacted acidly towards any activity that didn't have her as the center of attention or in which she was slightly uncomfortable, finally started to get to me. We had a discussion one night about the role of sex in marriage, and her attitude that the wife didn't "have" to have sex finally raised red flags - not that sex should be forced, but that I felt that sex was a healthy part of a relationship, that it should be enjoyable and semi-regular, at the behest of both partners, barring physical disability or illness. It shouldn't be something that is used as a control mechanism.
It all fell apart a few months later. She'd left for college in Oregon a month earlier, had met a handsome young man who impressed her and gave her those romantic feelings, had started to become good friends with him (although she never did cheat on me). I left for college, and started to go through that period of disconnect from high school friends and attitudes; this also brought a conflict between her and I, for I finally started to question her attitudes and actions, and she blew up at me a few time, enough to hurt me and help me realize that she didn't respect me, and that we had no future together. Regardless, breaking up with her is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
It is good that your wife is seeing a counselor; however, it sounds like it's not working all that well. It is your decision to make, in the end, as to the fate of your relationship. You need to care for your daughters, and make them top priority, but not at the expense of your self-respect, or your finances. In the end a divorce that leaves you healthy emotionally and with a good relationship with your daughters is better for them than parents that are together, but extremely dysfunctional. Trust me on this, how you treat your wife and the example you set as a husband or an ex-husband will affect your daughters years down the line.
As an ex-Christian, my comments have nowhere near the weight of a committed, mature Christian, but I must say this: the covenant relationship is important to keep sacred, however it is not Biblically unheard of for divorces to occur, nor is it wise to harm everyone in your family solely for the preservation of the covenant. The covenant can be broken by both parties, and it sounds as though she's already done that; your responsibility at this point as a mature adult and as a Christian is to you and your daughters.
Good luck in your decision, Tom. Keep us updated.
Regards,
Nate
Chaotic42
Lifer
- Jun 15, 2001
- 34,937
- 2,089
- 126
If you aren't going to be happy, what's the point in life? Why keep yourself in a bad position like that? If there aren't any other circumstances (like hurting someone else while you're being happy), then I don't see why you shouldn't try to be happy.
If you're in a bad marriage (I'm not saying Gravity is), then why would you not get out if you are seriously not happy?
Obviously since there are kids in this marriage, that changes things, but I wouldn't stay married to someone I hated just so that the marriage doesn't crumble.
- Aug 22, 2001
- 32,102
- 32,656
- 146
IMHO It's about what kind of love you feel for her my good man. If you're still madly in love with her, you'll make it work, if you just love her or aren't even sure wether your feelings are positive or negative ones at this point, then it's time you make the decision wether or not you wish to continue the partnership, as that's all it is if you're not in love.
the simple statistic is, divorced people are WAAAYYY more likely to get divorced again.
i'm not "happy" i'm going to divorce my spouse. oh i'm happy with this person, "let's get married". couple years later, "oh you don't make me happy any more, let's get divorced". all fine and good i guess if no kids are involved but i personally know several people who divorced and remarried and kept having kids. that's just wrong. if you are going to be unhappy in a 3rd or 4th marriage, just stay with your first wife.
Chaotic42
Lifer
- Jun 15, 2001
- 34,937
- 2,089
- 126
Well, I feel, as an unmarried person, that you have to go into each marriage as if it will be your last. If there are kids, things get sticky and I don't think there is a right answer.
As long as there are no kids, I don't see how it's a problem if you get divorced 50 times.
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