Married to a control freak 15 years. Help?

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: Mwilding
Is it me or does "co-dependant" mean you have issues too?

btw, good luck

No. Is is generally when the co-dependant experiences their happiness and emotions based on their partner. Places the partners happiness before their own.

Now it isn't generally a bad thing as long as both are co-dependant. Shrinks will frequently argue with co-dependant behavior is good or bad for a relationship.

-edit- Why all the divorce threads lately? My guess is the entire nation is under an incredible amount of stress and stress can break even the strongest of marriages.

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: Mwilding
Is it me or does "co-dependant" mean you have issues too?

btw, good luck

I'd be a fool to claim the "victim's" role here. I'm sure that I've contributed to this mess. I don't know the roadmap that leads out or if I'll be able to make it to the end but I'm seeking help to determine that. I'm open to counseling whereas I'm not sure she is.

I'll keep you posted.

 

[db]

Originally posted by: Gravity

Originally posted by: db

I know that research says that people rarely change but they can and sometimes do and do so dramatically. Research doesn't tell us what works for each individual.

Yes, I know that we are modelling dysfunction for my kids. However, research also says that as long as there's no violence in the relationships, the kids are better off as opposed to being in a single parent home. I'd like to think that I would never put my kids in between us but I have never been there. My sister has been divorced twice and her ex is a maniac and manipulates the kids in cruel ways. I fear that my spouse may do that as well.

The absence of violence is not the sole consideration.
There is emotional abuse going on, and that is *worse* than physical abuse.

 

[GasX]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: Mwilding
Is it me or does "co-dependant" mean you have issues too?

btw, good luck

No. Is is generally when the co-dependant experiences their happiness and emotions based on their partner. Places the partners happiness before their own.

Now it isn't generally a bad thing as long as both are co-dependant. Shrinks will frequently argue with co-dependant behavior is good or bad for a relationship.

-edit- Why all the divorce threads lately? My guess is the entire nation is under an incredible amount of stress and stress can break even the strongest of marriages.

OK, that's a good explanation. Makes me think I am a little codependant...

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: yamahaXS

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
When she calls you by a version of your name that you've objected to,simply ignore her,when she asks what's up with that,remind her that you've asked to be called Tom and consider her refusal to comply with your request an act of passive-aggresive hostility.

He could do that, but more than likely, she doesn't even understand why she has to call him Thomas. If she doesn't understand why she is doing something then behavior modification techniques will probably not work. They will just cause instant stress, and as soon as he stop with the modification she will go back to calling him Thomas.

The name we are called by is an important piece of our identity and refusal to honor a person's request to call them by a particular name demonstrates total contempt for that person.

I mostly agree with your interpretation, but disagree with your suggestion that this particular behavior can be shaped through behavior modification techniques.

 

[Gravity]

It's funny/strange. I just spoke with her dad on the phone. I said "can you do me a favor.?"

He said "sure." I asked him to call me Tom. He agreed and said he should have asked 10 years ago. Clearly, I should have asked 15 years ago.

lol.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Gravity
Well, sig's are normally pithy statements. In this case, I consider this quote to be a shot at feminism in general. Don't judge me by my sig, Alkemyst, my sig varies from time to time and I'm not embarrassed by it.

Never said to be embarrased by it, however, that type of sig is not going to help your home life at all. Your wife reading that will more than likely be devil's advocate to the statement and purposely disagree.

Å

 

[allisolm]

In the mean time I'd be interested in hearing from others that married control freaks and how they manage to get along with them.

My husband manages to get along with me fine and he'd tell you himself if I just allowed him to post.

You had me in your corner until that "he shall rule over you" stuff.

 

[optoman]

Why do divorces cost so much? Because they're worth it.

Good Luck with the wife.

 

[PlatinumGold]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33

Originally posted by: Lucky

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
My opinion: Compromise is an integral part of the give and take of a healthy relationship. If there is no compromise, there is no healthy relationship. Is she aware at all that you are going to counseling? Perhaps she should be going as well?

Remember, divorce IS an option. You deserve to be happy, after all.

dammit you need to remember there are KIDS involved. Divorce CAN and DOES fvsk with kids-it leaves long lasting scars, especially at 6 and 12 years old.

I don't care how unhappy he is, unless she is harming the children his first concern should be raising those children right. He married the woman, had three years to see how much of a control freak she was before the first kid, and yet had not only one kid but two.

I'm not saying I don't have major sympathy for you, but your first concern should be your kids. Don't think of divorce as an "option" unless abuse is part of the picture.

Sure.. But define "raising those children right", within the context of a happy family. If it's an unhappy, controlling relationship, don't you think that might do some long-term damage to those kids as well?

It's not so clear cut an issue when you look at it that way, is it?

i hate the "You deserve to be happy" argument more than ANY OTHER when it comes to marriages.

Why does ANYONE DESERVE to be happy?? Do you think Life is fair?? that there are NO responsibilities that we have that are more important than our "happiness"??

Happiness is SOO ephemeral and SOOO much the product of what we choose. We can CHOOSE to be happy even in the worst of situations. i'm not trying to make a blanket statement, there are times when a divorce is the only way out, we are talking degrees here, but that "you deserve happiness" really irks me.

a husband and wife are married for 60 yrs, he has retired. he has a heart attack and his wife RUNS OFF with ALL of his money and leaves him stuck with the hospital bills.

She DESERVES happiness??

obviously that's an extreme example, but once a person has chosen to get married and have children his "Rights to happiness" have been significantly eroded and he just has to live with that. (by happiness i'm talking about ability to fulfill one's whims)

i can be happy without all those things because my happiness partly lies in seeing my family healthy.

 

[Excelsior]

Originally posted by: kenshorin

Originally posted by: freegeeks
what's up with all the marriage-divorce threads lately

Maybe its the cold weather and being stuck inside with the crazy SO a little more???

Isnt it a statistical fact that the month of december has a higher rate of divorce?

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: Gravity
Well, sig's are normally pithy statements. In this case, I consider this quote to be a shot at feminism in general. Don't judge me by my sig, Alkemyst, my sig varies from time to time and I'm not embarrassed by it.

Never said to be embarrased by it, however, that type of sig is not going to help your home life at all. Your wife reading that will more than likely be devil's advocate to the statement and purposely disagree.

Å

she can't read my sig. It's for your consumption Alk. Seems like you're struggling with it a bit.

 

[Lucky]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33

Originally posted by: Lucky

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
My opinion: Compromise is an integral part of the give and take of a healthy relationship. If there is no compromise, there is no healthy relationship. Is she aware at all that you are going to counseling? Perhaps she should be going as well?

Remember, divorce IS an option. You deserve to be happy, after all.

dammit you need to remember there are KIDS involved. Divorce CAN and DOES fvsk with kids-it leaves long lasting scars, especially at 6 and 12 years old.

I don't care how unhappy he is, unless she is harming the children his first concern should be raising those children right. He married the woman, had three years to see how much of a control freak she was before the first kid, and yet had not only one kid but two.

I'm not saying I don't have major sympathy for you, but your first concern should be your kids. Don't think of divorce as an "option" unless abuse is part of the picture.

Sure.. But define "raising those children right", within the context of a happy family. If it's an unhappy, controlling relationship, don't you think that might do some long-term damage to those kids as well?

It's not so clear cut an issue when you look at it that way, is it?

Oh, I've looked at every angle in the book-and experienced it myself through my father's irresponsibility. Unless vows have been broken, one spouse is being maliciously evil and not trying to make any effort to save the marriage, or is abusing the children - he has an obligation to stay married no matter how unhappy he is. The fact that he's been married 15 years and knew this woman well enough to have TWO children with makes this all the more important.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: PlatinumGold

i hate the "You deserve to be happy" argument more than ANY OTHER when it comes to marriages.

Why does ANYONE DESERVE to be happy?? Do you think Life is fair?? that there are NO responsibilities that we have that are more important than our "happiness"??

It's an abused statement, but no one should stay in a marriage if they are unhappy. Most use the term "I deserve to be happy" to justify selfishness.

Your belief that anyone can be happy with any situation is also flawed. It's true that many people could be happier if they let themselves be, some are in such an abyss that there is no way to be happy. Two guys come in and pin you to a chair, then a third comes in with duct tape and a pipe cutter...I think no one is going to smile and think "I may get to meet God today".

 

[PlatinumGold]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: PlatinumGold

i hate the "You deserve to be happy" argument more than ANY OTHER when it comes to marriages.

Why does ANYONE DESERVE to be happy?? Do you think Life is fair?? that there are NO responsibilities that we have that are more important than our "happiness"??

It's an abused statement, but no one should stay in a marriage if they are unhappy. Most use the term "I deserve to be happy" to justify selfishness.

Your belief that anyone can be happy with any situation is also flawed. It's true that many people could be happier if they let themselves be, some are in such an abyss that there is no way to be happy. Two guys come in and pin you to a chair, then a third comes in with duct tape and a pipe cutter...I think no one is going to smile and think "I may get to meet God today".

and was that the context of the discussion??

 

[Lucky]

It's an abused statement, but no one should stay in a marriage if they are unhappy.

If the marriage involves the two partners only, you are right. When it involves kids, it's a whole 'nother story in my book.

 

[PlatinumGold]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: PlatinumGold

i hate the "You deserve to be happy" argument more than ANY OTHER when it comes to marriages.

Why does ANYONE DESERVE to be happy?? Do you think Life is fair?? that there are NO responsibilities that we have that are more important than our "happiness"??

It's an abused statement, but no one should stay in a marriage if they are unhappy. Most use the term "I deserve to be happy" to justify selfishness.

Your belief that anyone can be happy with any situation is also flawed. It's true that many people could be happier if they let themselves be, some are in such an abyss that there is no way to be happy. Two guys come in and pin you to a chair, then a third comes in with duct tape and a pipe cutter...I think no one is going to smile and think "I may get to meet God today".

ironically, i started on this idea that we CHOOSE how we feel after reading Stephen Covey's book 10 habits of highly successfull people.

i don't remember who he was quoting but i believe the guy he was quoting was captured in vietnam and while in one of those prison camps he realized, that he couldn't control what they did to him but he could control how he reacted to it.

 

[Red]

Yes, and sorry for crapping on the thread, but happiness is definitely what and how you make. John Stossel did a report on whether or not money really makes people happy. The team that analyzed the results of the test takes made the conclusion that once the average happy-mindset person makes about $50,000 per year or more, they cannot get any happier. Give them a million and they might be overwhelmed for a few days or weeks, but eventually, when they have all the toys they sink back into the same frame of mind.

A person makes themself be either happy or sad. Moneywise, the key is to simply be HAPPY with what you have. Want what you have, not what others have. Very difficult to do, but that is what it boils down to.

The same study also found people had elevated happiness when they (1) had strong mature relationships with many people and (2) had strong religious beliefs (afterlife)

 

[melly]

Originally posted by: Gravity
So, we've been struggling with our marriage for the last 3 or 6 years. Last summer during a heated conflict, I told her that I thought she should see a counselor. She agreed. Now the counselor says she is codependant and has control issues.

I'm looking back at our relationship and seeing that she has controlled nearly ever step we've taken and even the most intimate of issues. Two years ago I cut her off from the bank account and took away her ability to manage the money. She was buying gifts for people we had met once and spending on other crap and I always saw every penny I made spent somewhere for something. So, I cut her off but I still pay the bills.

I'm seeing it more clearly now. For example, my name is Thomas but everyone but her calls me Tom. I've asked her to call me Tom but she insists that somehow it's wrong.

So many more examples of her control freakishness. I can't believe I've made it this far. I go to see the counselor next week. In the mean time I'd be interested in hearing from others that married control freaks and how they manage to get along with them.

Thanks,

Gravity (tom, not thomas)

Good to hear that she agreed to see a counsellor. A control freak is often not reluctant to go along with someone else's idea. If you love her still, and you get along, hell it's been 15 years, if you can't imagine your life without her, then stay together. But don't stay together for the kids' sake--that is the worst thing you can do. Why make everyone miserable, living in a sham and a farce?

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Gravity

she can't read my sig. It's for your consumption Alk. Seems like you're struggling with it a bit.

There is no struggle at all. Is this the kind of response you give your wife also? Also I am not the only one to find a huge fault with that sig or your take on the interpretation of the biblical verses you are using. You also realize that a 'control freak' would also post something just like this right? It's going to be interesting for you what your counsellor will say about your behavior.

You have brought up sex a few times even here as well as her denying factual information....lack of sex is usually a precursor to further argument. If you are constantly bringing up 'see it says right here' to her, she is going to irrationally fight it. You never want to back someone into a corner and say my way is the only way. Many times though it is determined that the sexual disagreement becomes disagreement in all other subjects of the marriage. Money is also another one. Some may feel money is to be spent day to day and other's that it is to be saved....either one has pluses and minuses.

I would have recommended waiting for your own sessions before posting here as you are bound to get tons of sympathetic advice without concerns to the other side of the problem. Too many people here assume the original poster is always the correct one. I have learned that usually the one that runs telling is the problem and attempting to justify it.

There are tons of questions anyone should have , one would be you say she has always been controlling...why did you marry her? another, you had kids with her, why if you had doubts?

One of the main things is you can't expect to change anyone....as much as you may hate her controlling ways, another person may love that and enjoy they have to do nothing except follow instructions. The same goes for swingers...some are happily married yet have sex with multiple partners and both spouses are fine with that arrangement.

There is no need to get defensive to me...you asked for help and I am going over what any counsellor would ask, bring up, or state. If you simply want agreement then that will not help you.

Å

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: PlatinumGold

ironically, i started on this idea that we CHOOSE how we feel after reading Stephen Covey's book 10 habits of highly successfull people.

i don't remember who he was quoting but i believe the guy he was quoting was captured in vietnam and while in one of those prison camps he realized, that he couldn't control what they did to him but he could control how he reacted to it.

I have the book here. The thing is what he suggests is sort of a 'good' brainwashing, not so much his principles, also someone in vietnam is possibly banking on a way out. There are certain situations that will have no good outcome. I would have to re-read it but I think he only mentioned prisoners of war because of their use of a similar philosophy to keep morale up.....

For instance, during WWII say you were a non-german knowing you are going to be gassed. Sure you can act happy and appear to be non-caring of the situation at hand. This could be effective as your fate is sealed and worrying about it will do no good....however that is not such a realistic approach and I don't think that is what Covey had in mind.

There is being truly happy and pretending to be happy.

Å

 

[Woodie]

Married to a control freak...10+ years, 2 kids...

She didn't have as many control issues back then, but I was crazy in love, wanted to do anything she even HINTED at wanting to do. We both changed. It's challenging, but she doesn't have as many or as bad issues as Gravity relates.

On/off again counseling... (joint)...as much to do w/ her anger issues as anything. (Mind you, I can have quite a temper too). It's hard, but we're both focussed on child-rearing, so we at least have the same goals in mind, despite the differences in approach. I have agreed to let my wife manage the joint bills...and it's been working ok. Better, in that she now sees how much things cost, which has enabled her to control her own spending to some degree.

Since you *both* have control issues, keep in mind what was posted earlier: You can't control HER, but you CAN control your reactions to her. It's like a chess game: You have to think at least a couple of steps past her. If she says this, and I say A, then she'll behave like B. Do I want B? No. So don't respond A. Respond based on what you think she will do NEXT, not what she just did.

 

[DannyLove]

where have your balls gone to? you're a guy right? leave her. You've done the biggest mistake from the start, and thats getting married.

perhaps you havent noticed the divorse rate in America lately, you're better off playing the lotto.

danny~!

 

[iwearnosox]

Women are inherintly evil. Once you accept this as fact your life becomes exponentially easier.

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: PlatinumGold

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: PlatinumGold

i hate the "You deserve to be happy" argument more than ANY OTHER when it comes to marriages.

Why does ANYONE DESERVE to be happy?? Do you think Life is fair?? that there are NO responsibilities that we have that are more important than our "happiness"??

It's an abused statement, but no one should stay in a marriage if they are unhappy. Most use the term "I deserve to be happy" to justify selfishness.

Your belief that anyone can be happy with any situation is also flawed. It's true that many people could be happier if they let themselves be, some are in such an abyss that there is no way to be happy. Two guys come in and pin you to a chair, then a third comes in with duct tape and a pipe cutter...I think no one is going to smile and think "I may get to meet God today".

ironically, i started on this idea that we CHOOSE how we feel after reading Stephen Covey's book 10 habits of highly successfull people.

i don't remember who he was quoting but i believe the guy he was quoting was captured in vietnam and while in one of those prison camps he realized, that he couldn't control what they did to him but he could control how he reacted to it.

That guy goes to my gym. He's really something. He was in a vietcong prison for 7 years. His name is eddie. He gave me a book about his experience.