Married to a control freak 15 years. Help?

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: KK

You never answered the second question, did you?

KK

sorry, I love her, not her behaviors.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Gravity


I didn't write that statement. It's the biblical design. We are both Christians yet there are several passages that we can't come to terms with as it relates to marriage.

I understand that we're in a covenant relationship and I am troubled by it's unnatural conclusion. However, I'm also troubled by the years of manipulation. BTW, I wish it were a parody, it's my life!!

Ok assuming this is not a parody for a moment.

Do you think the bible then allows you to have total control of a woman (your wife) and whatever you deem fitting is what she should do?

Å

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: Gravity


I didn't write that statement. It's the biblical design. We are both Christians yet there are several passages that we can't come to terms with as it relates to marriage.

I understand that we're in a covenant relationship and I am troubled by it's unnatural conclusion. However, I'm also troubled by the years of manipulation. BTW, I wish it were a parody, it's my life!!

Ok assuming this is not a parody for a moment.

Do you think the bible then allows you to have total control of a woman (your wife) and whatever you deem fitting is what she should do?

Å

No I don't. However, I believe that in a partnership there has to be a way to resolve confict or disagreement. For example: She will allow sex once per week, I would like it 4 times per week? Should there be compromise or should it just be her way?

That's what I'm saying.....there's never any compromise, it's her way or nothing. The sex thing was an example, we stopped having that years ago.....:/

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Gravity


No I don't. However, I believe that in a partnership there has to be a way to resolve confict or disagreement. For example: She will allow sex once per week, I would like it 4 times per week? Should there be compromise or should it just be her way?

That's what I'm saying.....there's never any compromise, it's her way or nothing. The sex thing was an example, we stopped having that years ago.....:/

Frequency of sex is the person's perogative and should have been worked out before the marriage at least in discussion if both are virgins.

What is your thought on conflict resolution then? You being husband decide?

What would your compromise be on the sex situation? Was that discussed? I have also found in discussion that it's not the frequency that's usually the problem, it's the 'acts' themselves.

Å

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: Gravity


I didn't write that statement. It's the biblical design. We are both Christians yet there are several passages that we can't come to terms with as it relates to marriage.

I understand that we're in a covenant relationship and I am troubled by it's unnatural conclusion. However, I'm also troubled by the years of manipulation. BTW, I wish it were a parody, it's my life!!

Ok assuming this is not a parody for a moment.

Do you think the bible then allows you to have total control of a woman (your wife) and whatever you deem fitting is what she should do?

Å

Alkemyst,

the bible does not say "she shall do everything you ask of her, no matter what." it says the man is the head of the household - the breadwinner. now, that doesnt always hold true, but most of the time yes. it also doesnt mean you can beat your wife, tell her what to do all the time, and she has to submit or she is going to hell.

if you have not noticed, and no one take this out of context, most of the time women leaders struggle more than men. take the show on TV the apprentice for example...it is obvious how much better men do in a group than women. they catfight, argue, hold grudges, etc. men do the same thing, but usually on a much smaller scale and the problem usually subsides quickly. to prevent these problems, the intention of that "rule" in the bible is to put men at the head of the family to take control of things.

i realize my description isnt full of awesome details, but i dont have time to write any more...have to work :brokenheart:

 

[Mookow]

Originally posted by: Gravity

No I don't. However, I believe that in a partnership there has to be a way to resolve confict or disagreement. For example: She will allow sex once per week, I would like it 4 times per week? Should there be compromise or should it just be her way?

That's what I'm saying.....there's never any compromise, it's her way or nothing. The sex thing was an example, we stopped having that years ago.....:/

YGPM.

 

[maziwanka]

weird how you could go through this for 15 years. i read your response to platinumgold's post - control in a relationship (especially in a marriage) cannot reside in just one person. its gotta be a mutual thing. in either case, im glad you really care for the kids that you have. good luck.

 

[DorkBoy]

I'm married to the same type of women, it's been a little over 7 years now and our relationship is near over. She cannot let anything go without getting involved and will fight/argue over every little detail in our lives. And I know exactly how you feel about Christmas gifts for everyone she has ever met, I deal with that crap every year, I have slowed her down but she would spend everything we have.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan

Alkemyst,

the bible does not say "she shall do everything you ask of her, no matter what." it says the man is the head of the household - the breadwinner. now, that doesnt always hold true, but most of the time yes. it also doesnt mean you can beat your wife, tell her what to do all the time, and she has to submit or she is going to hell.

if you have not noticed, and no one take this out of context, most of the time women leaders struggle more than men. take the show on TV the apprentice for example...it is obvious how much better men do in a group than women. they catfight, argue, hold grudges, etc. men do the same thing, but usually on a much smaller scale and the problem usually subsides quickly. to prevent these problems, the intention of that "rule" in the bible is to put men at the head of the family to take control of things.

i realize my description isnt full of awesome details, but i dont have time to write any more...have to work :brokenheart:

I understand what the bible says. I was asking the original poster. I don't know what the leadership stuff has to do with this thread though.

Å

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Frequency of sex is the person's perogative and should have been worked out before the marriage at least in discussion if both are virgins.

What is your thought on conflict resolution then? You being husband decide?

What would your compromise be on the sex situation? Was that discussed? I have also found in discussion that it's not the frequency that's usually the problem, it's the 'acts' themselves.

Å

Biblically, sex is to be shared at the partner's request/need, unless the two agree that they should abstain for a time of prayer ONLY.

I know that sounds parochial but it's stated pretty expressly here.

1 cor 7:4 The wife's body doesn not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does nto belong to him alone but also to his wife. (5) Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves toprayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


As for the conflict resolution, what do you suggest? There is no negotiation, do yo bring in an arbiter to solve how to raise the kids, how much money to spend on something and how often you should have meatloaf? Surely there has to be a better way.

 

[Kadarin]

My opinion: Compromise is an integral part of the give and take of a healthy relationship. If there is no compromise, there is no healthy relationship. Is she aware at all that you are going to counseling? Perhaps she should be going as well?

Remember, divorce IS an option. You deserve to be happy, after all.

 

[db]

It's very unlikely that she will change.
So you need to think about how you can minimise the damage to your daughters. They are being damaged now, by the way, b/c they think their parents' relationship is normal and something to model themselves after.

edit: And I urge you to not ever put your daughters "in the middle", b/c this only hurts them when one or both parents USE them as a means to get what they want.

 

[dquan97]

Originally posted by: datdamkid
Good luck

 

[Ausm]

My Ex was a control freak ...her favorite saying was "The Rooster rules the the roost and the Hen rules the rooster" . I think I feel quite liberated after my divorce.


Sysadmin

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
My opinion: Compromise is an integral part of the give and take of a healthy relationship. If there is no compromise, there is no healthy relationship. Is she aware at all that you are going to counseling? Perhaps she should be going as well?

Remember, divorce IS an option. You deserve to be happy, after all.

She's actually been going to a counselor for about 4 months, by herself. I know divorce is an option, however, I want it to be after all others are exhausted. There are many other values higher that personal happiness like justice, family and honesty. I don't need to be happy all the time. I do, however, want to be a contributor to a healthy relationship.

Thanks,

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: db
It's very unlikely that she will change.
So you need to think about how you can minimise the damage to your daughters. They are being damaged now, by the way, b/c they think their parents' relationship is normal and something to model themselves after.

edit: And I urge you to not ever put your daughters "in the middle", b/c this only hurts them when one or both parents USE them as a means to get what they want.

I know that research says that people rarely change but they can and sometimes do and do so dramatically. Research doesn't tell us what works for each individual.

Yes, I know that we are modelling dysfunction for my kids. However, research also says that as long as there's no violence in the relationships, the kids are better off as opposed to being in a single parent home. I'd like to think that I would never put my kids in between us but I have never been there. My sister has been divorced twice and her ex is a maniac and manipulates the kids in cruel ways. I fear that my spouse may do that as well.

 

[Lucky]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
My opinion: Compromise is an integral part of the give and take of a healthy relationship. If there is no compromise, there is no healthy relationship. Is she aware at all that you are going to counseling? Perhaps she should be going as well?

Remember, divorce IS an option. You deserve to be happy, after all.

dammit you need to remember there are KIDS involved. Divorce CAN and DOES fvsk with kids-it leaves long lasting scars, especially at 6 and 12 years old.

I don't care how unhappy he is, unless she is harming the children his first concern should be raising those children right. He married the woman, had three years to see how much of a control freak she was before the first kid, and yet had not only one kid but two.

I'm not saying I don't have major sympathy for you, but your first concern should be your kids. Don't think of divorce as an "option" unless abuse is part of the picture.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Gravity

Biblically, sex is to be shared at the partner's request/need, unless the two agree that they should abstain for a time of prayer ONLY.

I know that sounds parochial but it's stated pretty expressly here.

1 cor 7:4 The wife's body doesn not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does nto belong to him alone but also to his wife. (5) Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves toprayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


As for the conflict resolution, what do you suggest? There is no negotiation, do yo bring in an arbiter to solve how to raise the kids, how much money to spend on something and how often you should have meatloaf? Surely there has to be a better way.

You need to bring someone in. I am sure problems are going to be found in this situation. It may be you are incompatible.

The bible is full of advice and I am thinking you are looking into it as a purely exact source....that is not it at all. Same way though shall not kill is listed, but there is a lot of righteous killing going on in that good book.

The big warning sign I get and I am sure a pro would also see is the choice you made for a sig quote. Out of all the quotes in the bible or outside the bible you can use, you choose a pretty 'controlling' one.

Many wives would take offense if their husbands did the same. Same way if you added "because the bible says so" anytime your wife agreed.

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

Originally posted by: Gravity

Originally posted by: db
It's very unlikely that she will change.
So you need to think about how you can minimise the damage to your daughters. They are being damaged now, by the way, b/c they think their parents' relationship is normal and something to model themselves after.

edit: And I urge you to not ever put your daughters "in the middle", b/c this only hurts them when one or both parents USE them as a means to get what they want.

I know that research says that people rarely change but they can and sometimes do and do so dramatically. Research doesn't tell us what works for each individual.

Yes, I know that we are modelling dysfunction for my kids. However, research also says that as long as there's no violence in the relationships, the kids are better off as opposed to being in a single parent home. I'd like to think that I would never put my kids in between us but I have never been there. My sister has been divorced twice and her ex is a maniac and manipulates the kids in cruel ways. I fear that my spouse may do that as well.

I disagree with this. Change and improvement are likely IF your wife is motivated to change. Therapy is effective, but the patient has to be willing to re-examine her beliefs that she has held (and may not even know she has) all her life. When a person is forced into a therapy situation, then improvement become much less likely.

 

[Geekbabe]

When she calls you by a version of your name that you've objected to,simply ignore her,when she asks what's up with that,remind her that you've asked to be called Tom and consider her refusal to comply with your request an act of passive-aggresive hostility.

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
When she calls you by a version of your name that you've objected to,simply ignore her,when she asks what's up with that,remind her that you've asked to be called Tom and consider her refusal to comply with your request an act of passive-aggresive hostility.

He could do that, but more than likely, she doesn't even understand why she has to call him Thomas. If she doesn't understand why she is doing something then behavior modification techniques will probably not work. They will just cause instant stress, and as soon as he stop with the modification she will go back to calling him Thomas.

 

[GasX]

Is it me or does "co-dependant" mean you have issues too?

btw, good luck

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: Lucky

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
My opinion: Compromise is an integral part of the give and take of a healthy relationship. If there is no compromise, there is no healthy relationship. Is she aware at all that you are going to counseling? Perhaps she should be going as well?

Remember, divorce IS an option. You deserve to be happy, after all.

dammit you need to remember there are KIDS involved. Divorce CAN and DOES fvsk with kids-it leaves long lasting scars, especially at 6 and 12 years old.

I don't care how unhappy he is, unless she is harming the children his first concern should be raising those children right. He married the woman, had three years to see how much of a control freak she was before the first kid, and yet had not only one kid but two.

I'm not saying I don't have major sympathy for you, but your first concern should be your kids. Don't think of divorce as an "option" unless abuse is part of the picture.

Sure.. But define "raising those children right", within the context of a happy family. If it's an unhappy, controlling relationship, don't you think that might do some long-term damage to those kids as well?

It's not so clear cut an issue when you look at it that way, is it?

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: yamahaXS

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
When she calls you by a version of your name that you've objected to,simply ignore her,when she asks what's up with that,remind her that you've asked to be called Tom and consider her refusal to comply with your request an act of passive-aggresive hostility.

He could do that, but more than likely, she doesn't even understand why she has to call him Thomas. If she doesn't understand why she is doing something then behavior modification techniques will probably not work. They will just cause instant stress, and as soon as he stop with the modification she will go back to calling him Thomas.

The name we are called by is an important piece of our identity and refusal to honor a person's request to call them by a particular name demonstrates total contempt for that person.

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: alkemyst
The big warning sign I get and I am sure a pro would also see is the choice you made for a sig quote. Out of all the quotes in the bible or outside the bible you can use, you choose a pretty 'controlling' one.

Many wives would take offense if their husbands did the same. Same way if you added "because the bible says so" anytime your wife agreed.

Well, sig's are normally pithy statements. In this case, I consider this quote to be a shot at feminism in general. Don't judge me by my sig, Alkemyst, my sig varies from time to time and I'm not embarrassed by it.

Marriages are complex relationships that are usually fraught with conflict, resolution and then more conflict. Half or more end in divorce. My plea to this community was/is for advice and solace. I've gotten both and I'm greatful.

Again, thanks