Married to a control freak 15 years. Help?

[Gravity]

So, we've been struggling with our marriage for the last 3 or 6 years. Last summer during a heated conflict, I told her that I thought she should see a counselor. She agreed. Now the counselor says she is codependant and has control issues.

I'm looking back at our relationship and seeing that she has controlled nearly ever step we've taken and even the most intimate of issues. Two years ago I cut her off from the bank account and took away her ability to manage the money. She was buying gifts for people we had met once and spending on other crap and I always saw every penny I made spent somewhere for something. So, I cut her off but I still pay the bills.

I'm seeing it more clearly now. For example, my name is Thomas but everyone but her calls me Tom. I've asked her to call me Tom but she insists that somehow it's wrong.

So many more examples of her control freakishness. I can't believe I've made it this far. I go to see the counselor next week. In the mean time I'd be interested in hearing from others that married control freaks and how they manage to get along with them.

Thanks,

Gravity (tom, not thomas)

 

[Zorro]

Good Luck Thomas.

 

[freegeeks]

what's up with all the marriage-divorce threads lately

 

[J Heartless Slick]

Do you have kids?

Do you still love her?

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: J Heartless Slick
Do you have kids?

Do you still love her?

Yes, I have two of the most wonderful girls in the world. Ages 6 and 12. I've been totally committed to them. I work with juvenile offenders so abandoning my kids isn't an attrative option for me. I love them and don't want to see them go through what I personally endured, nor the plight of the single/blended family.

 

[datdamkid]

Good luck

 

[DaWhim]

good luck

 

[kenshorin]

Originally posted by: freegeeks
what's up with all the marriage-divorce threads lately

Maybe its the cold weather and being stuck inside with the crazy SO a little more???

 

[Red]

Wish you the best. My fiancee "straightened me out" but doesn't control me. When we first met I was into the whole fraternity / binge drinking / wasteful spending type of thing. She helped me set goals for our future and made me a better person. At that stage of my life I thought she was controlling me but she was simply making things better for the both of us. Now we both chime in on important decisions.

 

[PlatinumGold]

so you want to divorce your wife because she won't call you tom?

so she is a control freak so what? marriage requires adjustments, no 2 people are perfect, adjustments and compromises are what make a marriage work.

 

[Homerboy]

Gah... sucky.
Yah too many marriage/divorce threads lately.
Wonder whats up...

Edit: Er.... did I read this right in his sig? "Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you. -- God ~~ Genesis 3:16"

 

[GTaudiophile]

LOL @ your sig! :beer:

 

[ragazzo]

Originally posted by: Homerboy
Gah... sucky.
Yah too many marriage/divorce threads lately.
Wonder whats up...

Edit: Er.... did I read this right in his sig? "Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you. -- God ~~ Genesis 3:16"

 

Try to work it out, if you can't (or she won't) then walk. I used to belong to the "Hang it out for the kids camp", but that's a joke.

If you do get a divorce make no qualms about nailing her to a wall to get what you want (i.e. house, kids, hell even alimony). If you think she'll take it easy on you once this thing starts rolling, well my man, you're in for a ride.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. What she does, what you tried to do to save the marriage, how YOU ARE THE BETTER FIT PARENT FOR THE KIDS.

This will get nasty if it comes to divorce, and there are NO winners in this game. However, you want to come out of it with as much as you can. That way you are gaurenteed to have your kids in your life. The alternative is every other weekend. Think about it, Tom.

 

[ohtwell]

Has she been getting any better since she started seeing the doctor? Maybe you should have a calm talk with her about her control issues. Keeping her from being able to spend your money so frivolously was a wise decision.

If you can't work it out, then maybe you should get a divorce.


: ) Amanda

 

[Ogg]

You should know by now as a probation officer (guessing) that you have to pick your battles. its not worth your sanity to fight over every litlle thing that happens. Sure it may make you feel better temporarily to stick in her face and say "See Youre wrong". Somethings my wife does make absolutely no sense and when made aware of such by little old me, havent changed at all. But I still love her, etc. cause this is not all she has to offer, like your wife Im sure.

:beer:

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: PlatinumGold
so you want to divorce your wife because she won't call you tom?

so she is a control freak so what? marriage requires adjustments, no 2 people are perfect, adjustments and compromises are what make a marriage work.

Well, that's an astute comment. What I have realized is that there is NO compromise from her on anything. She has pre-conceived notions about everything from sex to oil changes. No amount of data, research or my opinion has the ability to influence any of her notions.

So, if there is no compromise, there only control.

BTW, I never said I wanted a divorce. I'd like to avoid that if possible, hence the counseling.

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: Homerboy
Gah... sucky.
Yah too many marriage/divorce threads lately.
Wonder whats up...

Edit: Er.... did I read this right in his sig? "Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you. -- God ~~ Genesis 3:16"

Yes, that's the original design.

 

[Descartes]

I can always count on ATOT to destroy my ephemeral consideration of marriage

 

[bozack]

it is getting to the point where marriage doesn't mean anything anymore anyway so personally I am not surprised there are so many divorce threads....as someone recently married I don't know what to think about the future with re. marriage, however with divorce rates as high as they are and so many unhappy people I often wonder why people continue to get married....hello 1984.

Personally my wife is like Red Hot's, at the time we first started seeing each other I thought she was overly controlling but in reality she was just grounded whereas I wasn't....now I see that she is just making me a better person overall, I feel that without her I would be a waste which can be good and bad....

good luck, dealing with control freaks is hard.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Gravity
So, we've been struggling with our marriage for the last 3 or 6 years. Last summer during a heated conflict, I told her that I thought she should see a counselor. She agreed. Now the counselor says she is codependant and has control issues.

I'm looking back at our relationship and seeing that she has controlled nearly ever step we've taken and even the most intimate of issues. Two years ago I cut her off from the bank account and took away her ability to manage the money. She was buying gifts for people we had met once and spending on other crap and I always saw every penny I made spent somewhere for something. So, I cut her off but I still pay the bills.

I'm seeing it more clearly now. For example, my name is Thomas but everyone but her calls me Tom. I've asked her to call me Tom but she insists that somehow it's wrong.

So many more examples of her control freakishness. I can't believe I've made it this far. I go to see the counselor next week. In the mean time I'd be interested in hearing from others that married control freaks and how they manage to get along with them.

Thanks,

Gravity (tom, not thomas)

I think this is a parody...however if not....

Good you are getting counselling also. Whenever counselling is needed BOTH should go. Saying to someone else that THEY need help sets the stage up for defense....when you both go it's a mutual deal.

As far as a wife's spending habits, buying gifts for even people you met once is her progative.

Being codependant is a growing problem, esp with today's kids....some are in their mid 20's and they still defer decisions to their parents.

The name thing is serious....usually more to it than just the one isolated issue of not wanting to cooperate.

Finally your bible quote seals the deal if this is not parody then

Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you. -- God ~~ Genesis 3:16

makes for an interesting one for someone claiming control freakage

Å

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: ohtwell
Has she been getting any better since she started seeing the doctor? Maybe you should have a calm talk with her about her control issues. Keeping her from being able to spend your money so frivolously was a wise decision.

If you can't work it out, then maybe you should get a divorce.


: ) Amanda

No, it has gotten worse actually. Her tone is very bitter, hateful. There have been a few nights that I've actually feared for my personal safety. I'm no wuss but I think she's been teetering on the brink.

 

[Gravity]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: Gravity
So, we've been struggling with our marriage for the last 3 or 6 years. Last summer during a heated conflict, I told her that I thought she should see a counselor. She agreed. Now the counselor says she is codependant and has control issues.

I'm looking back at our relationship and seeing that she has controlled nearly ever step we've taken and even the most intimate of issues. Two years ago I cut her off from the bank account and took away her ability to manage the money. She was buying gifts for people we had met once and spending on other crap and I always saw every penny I made spent somewhere for something. So, I cut her off but I still pay the bills.

I'm seeing it more clearly now. For example, my name is Thomas but everyone but her calls me Tom. I've asked her to call me Tom but she insists that somehow it's wrong.

So many more examples of her control freakishness. I can't believe I've made it this far. I go to see the counselor next week. In the mean time I'd be interested in hearing from others that married control freaks and how they manage to get along with them.

Thanks,

Gravity (tom, not thomas)

I think this is a parody...however if not....

Good you are getting counselling also. Whenever counselling is needed BOTH should go. Saying to someone else that THEY need help sets the stage up for defense....when you both go it's a mutual deal.

As far as a wife's spending habits, buying gifts for even people you met once is her progative.

Being codependant is a growing problem, esp with today's kids....some are in their mid 20's and they still defer decisions to their parents.

The name thing is serious....usually more to it than just the one isolated issue of not wanting to cooperate.

Finally your bible quote seals the deal if this is not parody then

Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you. -- God ~~ Genesis 3:16

makes for an interesting one for someone claiming control freakage

Å

I didn't write that statement. It's the biblical design. We are both Christians yet there are several passages that we can't come to terms with as it relates to marriage.

I understand that we're in a covenant relationship and I am troubled by it's unnatural conclusion. However, I'm also troubled by the years of manipulation. BTW, I wish it were a parody, it's my life!!

 

[GalvanizedYankee]

You got a PM

 

[KK]

Originally posted by: Gravity

Originally posted by: J Heartless Slick
Do you have kids?

Do you still love her?

Yes, I have two of the most wonderful girls in the world. Ages 6 and 12. I've been totally committed to them. I work with juvenile offenders so abandoning my kids isn't an attrative option for me. I love them and don't want to see them go through what I personally endured, nor the plight of the single/blended family.

You never answered the second question, did you?

KK