Lady problems... YAGT

[Peetoeng]

Grass over the fence looks greener.....aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.....a fact of life. Just make up your mind, either way you will be screwed.

 

[Aharami]

considers me like a brother. Now, the downsides to her. Bcuz she is a lot like me, she is stubborn, and this sometimes poses problems when we try to comprimise on things, but we normally dont have to becuz we think alike. She is also somewhat unforgiving if you wrong her deeply. Not that she won't forgive you, it just hurts her very badly and takesher a while to get over. I however, (not trying to brag) can't think of a time where i did not forgive someone instantainiously upon their asking for forgiveness and sometimes forgave w/o the asking. Also, she has a boyfriend and has now moved across the country. I think that she is somewhat happy in this relationship and i would never even think of trying to break them apart somehow bcuz i know it would break her heart. The previously had plans to be married, but they have since vanished and things are going much slower now. I have never told her the way i feel about her (well...never told her i car about her in that certain way, she knows i love her like a sister at least) and she has not told me either, so i don't know if she really does, though people seem to think so. She would tell me that her mom would pester her about me having the 'hots' for her and bla bla. soo..i dunno... She has said once that a marriage would never work between the two of us though bcuz we are to different. I think she was just saying that bcuz she was scared i felt a certain way about her and did not want to lose her boyfriend or hurt my feelings but shutting me down. It is quite obvious to me, others, and her (she has admitted it even, lol, very ironic) that we are quite similar.

not going to work out. dont even bother. once you enter that brother stage, there is no turning back. she can never have any romantic feelings for you...or not anytime soon atleast. it seems like you are in a good relationship already. why leave that?

dont try to go for greener pastures. might turn out to be astroturf

 

[Ulfwald]

Dump the girlfriend, she sounds like way too much trouble, she needs to be dating a metrosexual type of "man" . Try hanging out with the friend for a while, see where it leads without either one of you forcing it to go where you think you want it to go. She sounds like the type of young lady who accepts you for who you are, and also enjoys your lifestyle.

 

[captains]

stop with the lol all the time.....u sound like an idiot. also go for the friend cuz your gonna leave your current women down the road anyway

 

[Journer]

well...so far i've determined it is best to leave the g/f...and just stay open to things...chances are the friend will never be more than that...but if it happens...whoopie...if not...there are what...8 billion ppl in the world? ...bound to be a couple more i can hook up with lol

 

[Journer]

Originally posted by: captains
stop with the lol all the time.....u sound like an idiot. also go for the friend cuz your gonna leave your current women down the road anyway

bad habbit, i know...i think i'm leaning more towards trying to loose any current feelings for her and just see where life takes me the next couple of years as a single male...w00

 

[Deeko]

I actually read it today.

1) STOP SAYING PWN IT MAKES ME WANT TO HURT YOU VERY BADLY
2) You say lol too much
3) Stick with your current gf, many many many happily married couples don't have a lot in common...guys and girls are interested in different things
4) Regardless, don't go after the best friend. You might be together for awhile but it will end, and probably end your friendship too

What I'm gathering is you don't really have a reason to break up with the current gf. You just want to, because you want to be with the best friend, which is a mistake. Stay with your girlfriend until you actually have a reason to break up.

 

[Kalbi]

wow gut feeling is a relationship with your friend will never work. stick with the gf.

 

[astralusion]

while i also have the impression that the entire best friend thing won't work, i'm kinda doubtful that the relationship you have right now is one of those last forever things, so i mean if you're feeling that it's not something you want to be in that don't be in it...not to be with the best friend, but to not be in something you don't want to be...if things change later...either with current gf or bf then maybe you change some stuff...essentially don't evaluate your current relationship with the bf in mind, but still evaluate it.

 

[ZOOYUKA]

You like guy things and your gf likes girl things go figure. Whats the big deal? This seems normal to me.

 

[NuroMancer]

Originally posted by: ZOOYUKA
You like guy things and your gf likes girl things go figure. Whats the big deal? This seems normal to me.

HA! thank you! As I was reading this I was like, wow. where is the "She's a GIRL"

Now you have two options:

A: The masterful Doboji approach,
Break up with your current girlfriend... explain to her why.... it's not a mean thing to explain. And date other people...
Which don't get me wrong, it not bad advice at all.
B:
Stick with the current GF. You have been together for 3.5 years right? There must be something to her that you enjoy otherwise you wouldn't have stuck around. Now who's to say that your current GF isn't the person who you'll want to be with after your finished post secondary? I mean, no matter who you go out with, you will have some fights together... People don't tend to fight early in their relationship, they save it for later . Now if you are truely unhappy with your GF for a legitmate reason, then by all means, See option A if not, well Don't try for greener pastures, they might turn out to be astroturf. Ha, love this saying!!!!

Now I have 2 hours left, I'd better do some more work so I can acutally bill 8 hours today.

 

[Journer]

hmmm...i guess the best friend ever being more is kind of out of the option...*sigh*

i see my eyes opening to other's opinions...i HAVE been with her for 3.5 yrs...and it hasnt been all bad..

tell me what you ppl think about this....

1) just forget the friend thing...and try to loose any emotions that were attached
2) stick w/ the g/f and tell her how i have been feeling about the other girl, explain to her my other feelings, etc. If she sticks with me, then she must care enough about me and understand me enough. If she dumps me, life rolls on and i wont have the guilt of not telling her.

one thing i just cant understand though...is why does EVERYONE say that me and the best friend should be together? they say that when they are around the two of us they feel like we are a couple and bla bla. Maybe we are just REALLY good friends? This just keeps me wondering though, why do all of the people around me think we should date (not just kids, mind you )? :/

 

[SMOGZINN]

Originally posted by: Doboji
Allow me to give you some advice here, I read your thread thoroughly and here's what I think.

I have also read this carfully, and all the replys.

1) You're ALL very young. Thats not to say thats a bad thing or that you're not capable of being in love, I was in love when I was 19. However at 19 you have not yet grown into the full person you are going to be... your interests and their interests are going to change dramatically... more than you can imagine. I'm amazed at how now alot of the things I cared about when I was 19 I don't care about at ALL now. What this means is that your analysis of common interests in the GF and your best-friend is kinda irrelevant in the long term. You may find 5 years from now that the situation is completely reversed....

I can not even start to tell you how true this is. I sometimes look at pictures, and writing from when I was 18 and 19 and think to my self, wow was I really like that! But that being said, it does have some ground on you you will become, and if two similar people bond, they will tend to grow together. That can acutally be a problem as you become even MORE alike.

2) the fact that you are even asking this question is proof of dissatisfaction with your current relationship. The key thing to remember here is that the PURPOSE of dating is to find out WHAT you are looking for, you have clearly expressed that your current GF is NOT what you're looking for, and that your best friend girl MIGHT be. Chances are your best-friend girl is NOT what you're looking for, and the carnage of breaking up TWO relationships would be prohibitive of you and her forming a strong working relationship.

QFT
1 1/2 years is not that long really. I have dated a girl for 6 months on accident before
You are staying with your current GF because you care for her and don't want to hurt her, not because you want to be with her. They key thing to remember is that the longer you wait the harder it gets. Breaking up with someone you still care for is hard.

3) It's very possible that she's not interested in you, especially because she's already involved with someone, and has that huge guilt stumbling block standing in the way of her having feelings for you. It's also likely that you're not as interested in her as you think... it's simply the contrast between her and your GF, and once the GF is gone, so is the contrast.

I don't know about the whole contrast thing. But I do know that the chance of her leaving her current BF because you are single, or because you profess your undying love for her is slim to none, especially if she moved 3k miles to be with him. I am also saddend to tell you that if she remains 3k miles away for long (just a few months) your frindship will fade. A large part of who we are is made up by who we hang out with, and the events we share with them. Even if she comes back you might find she is no longer the girl that left. A lot can change in a short period of time at the age of 18.

Thus my suggestion....

Break up with your current girlfriend... explain to her why.... it's not a mean thing to explain. And date other people... if you ever find yourself in the position to actually date your bestfriend-girl.... then go for it. BUT do NOT attempt it now.

Good Luck,

I compleatly agree with the conclusion here.

.
Can't.....be....serious...for..much.longer....
.
MUURRHGGHHAA...
.
:evil:
Oh there is also the asshole solution:

The 3way solution.
It could solve all your problems. Just demand a that your GF joins in a 3way with you and the friend.
The outcomes are:

1. Your girlfriend will either:

1. Your GF will refuse and dump you (99.99%)
   Will be desperate enough to go for it (0.01)

2. Your friend will either:

1. Get pissed and dump you (33.33%)
   Take is as a joke (33.33%)
   Have her current BF beat you up (33.33%)
   Be cool with it (00.01%) in which case you know you have a shot.

So the odds of it coming out to a favorable outcome are rather good (your chances of having a 3way with GF and Friend are as still abysmal though.)

Either way, you solve your problem.

 

[Journer]

Originally posted by: SMOGZINN

Originally posted by: Doboji
Allow me to give you some advice here, I read your thread thoroughly and here's what I think.

I have also read this carfully, and all the replys.

1) You're ALL very young. Thats not to say thats a bad thing or that you're not capable of being in love, I was in love when I was 19. However at 19 you have not yet grown into the full person you are going to be... your interests and their interests are going to change dramatically... more than you can imagine. I'm amazed at how now alot of the things I cared about when I was 19 I don't care about at ALL now. What this means is that your analysis of common interests in the GF and your best-friend is kinda irrelevant in the long term. You may find 5 years from now that the situation is completely reversed....

I can not even start to tell you how true this is. I sometimes look at pictures, and writing from when I was 18 and 19 and think to my self, wow was I really like that! But that being said, it does have some ground on you you will become, and if two similar people bond, they will tend to grow together. That can acutally be a problem as you become even MORE alike.

2) the fact that you are even asking this question is proof of dissatisfaction with your current relationship. The key thing to remember here is that the PURPOSE of dating is to find out WHAT you are looking for, you have clearly expressed that your current GF is NOT what you're looking for, and that your best friend girl MIGHT be. Chances are your best-friend girl is NOT what you're looking for, and the carnage of breaking up TWO relationships would be prohibitive of you and her forming a strong working relationship.

QFT
1 1/2 years is not that long really. I have dated a girl for 6 months on accident before
You are staying with your current GF because you care for her and don't want to hurt her, not because you want to be with her. They key thing to remember is that the longer you wait the harder it gets. Breaking up with someone you still care for is hard.

3) It's very possible that she's not interested in you, especially because she's already involved with someone, and has that huge guilt stumbling block standing in the way of her having feelings for you. It's also likely that you're not as interested in her as you think... it's simply the contrast between her and your GF, and once the GF is gone, so is the contrast.

I don't know about the whole contrast thing. But I do know that the chance of her leaving her current BF because you are single, or because you profess your undying love for her is slim to none, especially if she moved 3k miles to be with him. I am also saddend to tell you that if she remains 3k miles away for long (just a few months) your frindship will fade. A large part of who we are is made up by who we hang out with, and the events we share with them. Even if she comes back you might find she is no longer the girl that left. A lot can change in a short period of time at the age of 18.

Thus my suggestion....

Break up with your current girlfriend... explain to her why.... it's not a mean thing to explain. And date other people... if you ever find yourself in the position to actually date your bestfriend-girl.... then go for it. BUT do NOT attempt it now.

Good Luck,

I compleatly agree with the conclusion here.

.
Can't.....be....serious...for..much.longer....
.
MUURRHGGHHAA...
.
:evil:
Oh there is also the asshole solution:

The 3way solution.
It could solve all your problems. Just demand a that your GF joins in a 3way with you and the friend.
The outcomes are:

1. Your girlfriend will either:

1. Your GF will refuse and dump you (99.99%)
   Will be desperate enough to go for it (0.01)

2. Your friend will either:

1. Get pissed and dump you (33.33%)
   Take is as a joke (33.33%)
   Have her current BF beat you up (33.33%)
   Be cool with it (00.01%) in which case you know you have a shot.

So the odds of it coming out to a favorable outcome are rather good (your chances of having a 3way with GF and Friend are as still abysmal though.)

Either way, you solve your problem.

interesting solution, lol

 

[SMOGZINN]

Originally posted by: Journer
hmmm...i guess the best friend ever being more is kind of out of the option...*sigh*

Not out of the question, just not likely. Mainly because she has a boyfriend that she cared enough to move away with.

i see my eyes opening to other's opinions...i HAVE been with her for 3.5 yrs...and it hasnt been all bad..

Only you know this. The problem most people have is that you seem to be very casual about the idea of breaking up with her. Kinda seems like there is not really love there, more like a comfortable relationship. THIS IS NOT BAD. All relationships end up this way, the question is, are you ready to settle down to this type of relationship? Most people at your age are ready to explore and grow, this comfortable type of relationship is the end of that road, not the begining.

tell me what you ppl think about this....

never had any problem telling people what I think

1) just forget the friend thing...and try to loose any emotions that were attached

Good luck, I don't think I have met many people that can just loose emotions. But as I said, distance can do that for you.

2) stick w/ the g/f and tell her how i have been feeling about the other girl, explain to her my other feelings, etc. If she sticks with me, then she must care enough about me and understand me enough. If she dumps me, life rolls on and i wont have the guilt of not telling her.

That is a reasonable plan, but ask yourself this, do you plan on marrying this woman? If not then every month that passes is just going to make this thing all the more tragic.

one thing i just cant understand though...is why does EVERYONE say that me and the best friend should be together? they say that when they are around the two of us they feel like we are a couple and bla bla. Maybe we are just REALLY good friends? This just keeps me wondering though, why do all of the people around me think we should date (not just kids, mind you )? :/

Probably because ya'll act like you already are. You probably have that easy way of being together that comes when there is little or no sexual tention between a man and woman which normally only comes after they have been together for awhile. That might be because you don't think of her in those terms, or because you know how to hide it really well. It could also be that the tension is there but it is subdued because you know each other so well that it is simply accepted as a part of the friendship.

 

[SMOGZINN]

Originally posted by: Journer

Originally posted by: SMOGZINN
Oh there is also the asshole solution:

The 3way solution.
It could solve all your problems. Just demand a that your GF joins in a 3way with you and the friend.
The outcomes are:

1. Your girlfriend will either:

1. Your GF will refuse and dump you (99.99%)
   Will be desperate enough to go for it (0.01)

2. Your friend will either:

1. Get pissed and dump you (33.33%)
   Take is as a joke (33.33%)
   Have her current BF beat you up (33.33%)
   Be cool with it (00.01%) in which case you know you have a shot.

So the odds of it coming out to a favorable outcome are rather good (your chances of having a 3way with GF and Friend are as still abysmal though.)

Either way, you solve your problem.

interesting solution, lol

Please do not take that to seriously. The real probable outcome of that would be a bunch of hurt feelings all the way around. But, hay, you get a %00.01 chance of a three way! That is amazingly higher then the odds that anyone else on these forums have! That is why it is the Asshole solution.

 

[Journer]

Originally posted by: SMOGZINN

Originally posted by: Journer
hmmm...i guess the best friend ever being more is kind of out of the option...*sigh*

Not out of the question, just not likely. Mainly because she has a boyfriend that she cared enough to move away with.

i see my eyes opening to other's opinions...i HAVE been with her for 3.5 yrs...and it hasnt been all bad..

Only you know this. The problem most people have is that you seem to be very casual about the idea of breaking up with her. Kinda seems like there is not really love there, more like a comfortable relationship. THIS IS NOT BAD. All relationships end up this way, the question is, are you ready to settle down to this type of relationship? Most people at your age are ready to explore and grow, this comfortable type of relationship is the end of that road, not the begining.

tell me what you ppl think about this....

never had any problem telling people what I think

1) just forget the friend thing...and try to loose any emotions that were attached

Good luck, I don't think I have met many people that can just loose emotions. But as I said, distance can do that for you.

2) stick w/ the g/f and tell her how i have been feeling about the other girl, explain to her my other feelings, etc. If she sticks with me, then she must care enough about me and understand me enough. If she dumps me, life rolls on and i wont have the guilt of not telling her.

That is a reasonable plan, but ask yourself this, do you plan on marrying this woman? If not then every month that passes is just going to make this thing all the more tragic.

one thing i just cant understand though...is why does EVERYONE say that me and the best friend should be together? they say that when they are around the two of us they feel like we are a couple and bla bla. Maybe we are just REALLY good friends? This just keeps me wondering though, why do all of the people around me think we should date (not just kids, mind you )? :/

Probably because ya'll act like you already are. You probably have that easy way of being together that comes when there is little or no sexual tention between a man and woman which normally only comes after they have been together for awhile. That might be because you don't think of her in those terms, or because you know how to hide it really well. It could also be that the tension is there but it is subdued because you know each other so well that it is simply accepted as a part of the friendship.

wow...that makes PERFECT sense...


smogzinn:
00.01%...i like the odds hehe

 

[Journer]

thanks everyone for helping me out

still some more questions though....

for those of you who have been happily married for some years now...how do u know when someone is the one u want to marry?

 

[SMOGZINN]

Originally posted by: Journer
thanks everyone for helping me out

still some more questions though....

for those of you who have been happily married for some years now...how do u know when someone is the one u want to marry?

Ah, that is the question isn't it? I think man has been asking himself that ever since woman made it clear that bonking them on the head and dragging them back to your cave was just not gonna cut it anymore. :laugh:

Well, I can't answer that question for you. For one I am not happily married. I once was, but that all ended.
What I can tell you is how I feel about it, and maybe you can take something from that.

Let me start with a quote:

No one can tell you you're in love you just know it. Through and through. Balls to bones.

Yea, The Matrix, not exactly Aristotle I know. But it happens to apply here. But you were not talking about love; you were talking about marriage, two different things.

Here is what I know about marriage.
Marriage is about knowing that where passion may fade with time, friendship may remain. Many people don't understand this; first and foremost your wife must be your friend.
Marriage is about sharing the mundane as well as the exciting. Most of our lives are taken up with work, sleep, and daily chores. You must remember that these are the things that you will spend most of your time doing with your spouse. If you can?t see yourself spending a day idly chatting with her while folding clothes, or talking about your boring job (or listening to her talk about hers,) or even sleeping in the same bed with NO sex, you don?t have a marriage.
But most of all marriage is about commitment. It is sticking though the hard times to find the good times again. Because the bad times will come, and it will test your commitment terribly, you must be able and willing to remember why you married her in the first place so you can find that in her again (and she you.) So if you are not sure now, how will you ever remember then?

I find it funny telling someone else about my views of marriage, when I'm not so sure I even believe in it anymore. Maybe I should thank you for giving me a good excuse to pull out these dusty old thoughts and reexamine them myself.

 

[Journer]

Originally posted by: SMOGZINN

Originally posted by: Journer
thanks everyone for helping me out

still some more questions though....

for those of you who have been happily married for some years now...how do u know when someone is the one u want to marry?

Ah, that is the question isn't it? I think man has been asking himself that ever since woman made it clear that bonking them on the head and dragging them back to your cave was just not gonna cut it anymore. :laugh:

Well, I can't answer that question for you. For one I am not happily married. I once was, but that all ended.
What I can tell you is how I feel about it, and maybe you can take something from that.

Let me start with a quote:

No one can tell you you're in love you just know it. Through and through. Balls to bones.

Yea, The Matrix, not exactly Aristotle I know. But it happens to apply here. But you were not talking about love; you were talking about marriage, two different things.

Here is what I know about marriage.
Marriage is about knowing that where passion may fade with time, friendship may remain. Many people don't understand this; first and foremost your wife must be your friend.
Marriage is about sharing the mundane as well as the exciting. Most of our lives are taken up with work, sleep, and daily chores. You must remember that these are the things that you will spend most of your time doing with your spouse. If you can?t see yourself spending a day idly chatting with her while folding clothes, or talking about your boring job (or listening to her talk about hers,) or even sleeping in the same bed with NO sex, you don?t have a marriage.
But most of all marriage is about commitment. It is sticking though the hard times to find the good times again. Because the bad times will come, and it will test your commitment terribly, you must be able and willing to remember why you married her in the first place so you can find that in her again (and she you.) So if you are not sure now, how will you ever remember then?

I find it funny telling someone else about my views of marriage, when I'm not so sure I even believe in it anymore. Maybe I should thank you for giving me a good excuse to pull out these dusty old thoughts and reexamine them myself.

good info thanks. Never thought i could help someone else by telling them my problem...well...not directly help...but its nice to know i had an effect on someone...to some extent