Joke

[perry]

A guy walks into a bar.

Ouch.

 

[thebestMAX]

>> > After a long night of making love the young guy
>> rolls over, pulls out a
>> > cigarette from his jeans and searches for his
>> lighter. Unable to find it,
>> > he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
>> > "There might be some matches in the top drawer,"
>> she replies. Opening
>> > the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
>> matches sitting neatly
>> > on top of a framed picture of another man.
>> > Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
>> > "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
>> > "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>> > "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she
>> says, nibbling away at
>> > his ear.
>> > "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered
>> guy.
>> > Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across
>> the side of her face
>> > and replies, ...."That's me before the operation."

 

[jkdude]

Frenchie, you are something!!! since u r all posting jokes, i think i will add one of my own here:

--------------------------

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is
the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and
nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person
who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a
twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best
answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our
country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent,
but still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the
greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."

The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised.
Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty
dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.

At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham
why he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who
ever lived, but... business is business!"

 

[jkdude]

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR MOUSE

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

 

[Pretender]

Ok, it's old, but here goes:

==============================================

Subject: Increased productivity

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for
network or software applications support.(See below)

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by
December 31, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an
Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.



Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support :

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all
over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same
color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-
Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

 

[Frenchie]

Birth Control


After having their 11th child, an Oklahoma couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife...er cousin, didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Oakie said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

So, the couple drove to Texas to get a second opinion. The Texas physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Oklahoma. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his
other hand....

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky and West Virginia.

 

[Frenchie]

Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test
papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved)....

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which
there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the
outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to
hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or
negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your
throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 

[Frenchie]

"Proud Jamaican Father "

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20
pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer,
wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

 

[prodigy]

LMAO Frenchie

 

[Frenchie]

More to come.....

 

[Frenchie]

"They Grow Them Big In Texas"

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half n!eck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

 

[Frenchie]

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

 

[Frenchie]

Subject: LIGHTS

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a cucumber. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You'd better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the cucumber if you can explain our three kids."

 

[Frenchie]

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a
gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming; "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".

 

[Spoooon]

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

I don't know why you're shaking, it's me she's gonna eat.

 

[Wedesdo]

lol

 

[Wedesdo]

here's mine:

Ways to be truly Offensive at a Funeral

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.

Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

 

[Wedesdo]

darned post size limit.

here's more:

These are cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!....
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married....
but not to you."

"You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."

"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."

 

[Frenchie]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Holy Smoke! Am I driving?"

 

[Frenchie]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the nurse if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband." she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the nurse.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the nurse again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the nurse, "that's really none of my business, and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions. But I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie. What else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the nurse repeats, "that's really none of my business, and I hate to pry further. But your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up, and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie. I really had no choice."

At this the nurse again apologizes, collects the baby, and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank goodness for that!"

"What do you mean?" asks the nurse, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark!"

 

[Frenchie]

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some @sshole's got my pen!"

 

[Frenchie]

Subject: Sadie


Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another right away, and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we all know what that meant.

Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. Looking, he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ...a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

 

[Frenchie]

Subject: Engineering Conversions


Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 IV League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

 

[Frenchie]

A blonde and brunette are in an elevator. On the 3rd floor, a manager gets on who's perfect; 3 piece suit, great build and nice butt, the bad part is they both notice he has dandruff.

The man got off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders".

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"

 

[Frenchie]

A Riddle - Answer is below.

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral pleasures from a 98 year old woman with no teeth and a moustache. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing.


What are they both thinking?



Note: The answer is below, but think about it.......
















































Answer: Don't look down