Joke

[Doomer]

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fireman says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck."

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman says with admiration.

"Thanks mister," the boy says.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fireman says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[Frenchie]

The Bear, the Rabbit and the Magic Frog

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He
had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured
out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.

The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to
them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them:
"I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever
seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns
using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.

 

[marketsons1985]

ROFL!!!!!

=D =D

 

[RaDragon]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

[yakko]

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! ROTFLMAOPIMP!!!!!!!! Stupid bear.

 

[Frenchie]

The Nun and The Priest

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without
warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed
their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest
spoke.

"Well Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father."

"In fact, I don't think it's likely that we can survive more
than a day or two."

"I agree."

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive,
would you do something for me?"

"Anything Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering
if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do
any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight
of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their
beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be okay," the priest replied lifting
his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling
he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right
place, it can give life."

"Is that true Father?"

"Yes it is, Sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's @ss and lets
get the hell out of here."

 

[Frenchie]

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I
just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight
already?"

 

[kru]

posted previously in the piracy thread...but so good i had to do it again:
~~~~

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

 

[JWMiddleton]

Thanks all of you! I needed that

ROFL!!!

 

[Frenchie]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,
looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's the matter?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY
did you say to me?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

 

[Frenchie]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle - aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special
requirements for new parishioners, you must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of the two weeks. The
pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not bad. The second week I had to
sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No pastor, we were not able to go without sex for two weeks," the
young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" Inquired the pastor .
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped
it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor."
"We know," said the young man, "were not welcome at Home Depot anymore
either."

 

[LED]

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh these must be for your Mom, huh?"
The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom."
Cashier: "Well, then they must be for your sister."
Nine-year old: "Nope not for my sister either."
Cashier, curious now, "If they're not for your Mom and not for your
sister, who are they for?
The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."
Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??" T
he nine-year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike. And my little brother can't do either."

 

[Frenchie]

YOU DA MAN TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern to you
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring, man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A Moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends"
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of Intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

------------------------------------------------------
YOU DA MAN TEST EVALUATING RESULTS:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man!!

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

 

[JoeBaD]

Three Mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough
they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play
with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and
as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it
twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another
shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I
take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just
for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The
first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the
third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw
the cat."
>>

 

[Frenchie]

THE TOP TWENTY WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows on your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck,Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
1) Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

 

[Frenchie]

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

 

[snow patrol]

Mine's short but sweet:

A girl wakes up in a hospital for amputees:

Girl: "Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!!"

Doc: "I know, we've had to amputate your arms"

 

[Frenchie]

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

Balls.........
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Dumb-Struck......
I was standing at the checkout with my two-year-old son, and there was a heavyset gal in line a head of us. As the cashier scanned the lady's items, the bar-code reader gave off a continuous beeping sound. All of a sudden, my son said loudly, "Mommy, watch out! She's going to back
up!" That was the only time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole.
- Heather Barlow, 21, Hortonville, WI

Nuts About You......
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD


Strip Mall......
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off-pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of the MALL.....


Curl up and die.....
I once walked into a hair salon- with my husband and three kids in tow----and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX


Pad, please!.....
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
- Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

 

[Frenchie]

Beer Survey

Sad news about Beer.
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men:
gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional,
couldn't drive,
failed to think rationally,
argued over nothing,
had to sit down while urinating,
and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing is planned.

 

[Frenchie]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, says to her: "Darling, would you give me a bj?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't."

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a bj. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for god's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

 

[Vikaden]

33 Reasons Guys are So Proud of Themselves

1.We know stuff about tanks.
2.A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
3.We can open all our own jars.
4.We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
5.We don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
6.We can leave a motel bed unmade.
7.We can kill our own food.
8.We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
9.Wedding plans take care of themselves.
10.If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
11.Underwear is $10 a three-pack.
12.If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
13.Everything on our faces stays the original color.
14.Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
15.We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.
16.Car mechanics tell us the truth.
17.We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18.Same work-more pay.
19.Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
20.We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
21.If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
22.Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23.We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
24.We almost never have a "strap problem" in public.
25.We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
26.The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades.
27.We don't have to shave below the neck.
28.A few belches are expected and tolerated.
29.Our belly usually hides our big hips.
30.One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
31.We can do our nails with a pocketknife.
32.We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
33.Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.

 

[thebestMAX]

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

 

[Frenchie]

The Alcoholic, Chain Smoker & the Homosexual

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor to discuss their options.
One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never
again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!!"

 

[Frenchie]

A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be
her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice,she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and saidin a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger! "Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.Again, the father looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she sh*ts on you!"

 

[Frenchie]

Did you ever wish you could remember Norm's greetings on ?Cheers"?

SAM: "What's shaking Norm?"
NORM: "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

SAM: "What's new Normie?"
NORM: "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

SAM: "What'd you like Normie?"
NORM: "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

SAM: "What'll you have Normie?"
NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm."
NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."

SAM: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
NORM: "Like a baby treats a diaper."

WOODY: "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The Bobsie twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
NORM: "I know. If she calls, I'm not here."

SAM: "Beer, Norm?"
NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

SAM: "Whatcha up to Norm?"
NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Poor."
WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that."
NORM: "No, I mean pour."

SAM: "How's life treating you Norm?"
NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

SAM: "What's going down, Normie?"
NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Alright, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

SAM: "What's the story, Norm?"
NORM: "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

WOODY: "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
WOODY: "For a beer?"
NORM: "No, for stupid questions."