***JOKE THREAD*** Sorry, mature audiences only, please

[bmd]

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.

"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over.

The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting License?"

The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.

He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?"

The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?"

The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.

"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector.

The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"

 

[Cyberian]

A man was stopped by a game-warden with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, Well."

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH!"

"What fish?" The man asked.

 

[fishingeek]

A woman that has been married for a while decided that it was time to spice up her love life. One day while her husband was at work she goes out and buys some crotchless panties.
Saturday rolls around and she goes upstairs after dinner and puts the panties on. She comes downstair, throws her leg over the TV and says "Hey Big Boy, you want some of this?"
The husband looks up and says "Hell no, look what it did to those panties!"

 

[MainFramed]

Originally posted by: Cyberian
A man was stopped by a game-warden with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, Well."

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH!"

"What fish?" The man asked.

i dont get it

 

[Brutuskend]

Originally posted by: Cyberian
A man was stopped by a game-warden with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, Well."

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH!"

"What fish?" The man asked.

Good joke..just one question..since he caught them in the lake, why did he throw them BACK into the river??

 

[MainFramed]

Originally posted by: bmd
So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.

"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over.

The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting License?"

The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.

He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?"

The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?"

The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.

"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector.

The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"

HAHHA FUNNY

 

[Brutuskend]

An old timer decided to treat his wife to a special gift for their 65th anniversary, so he went to a lingerie shop and asked the clerk for the sheerest, sexiest number they had.

Later that night when he gave it to his wife she was so excited that she told him she would "run" right up stairs and put it on. But when she got to the bedroom, she decided that she would give him a REAL treat, and come back down stairs "starkers".

Being as sexy as she could, she sauntered back down the stairs, and halfway down she stopped and said "Well, what do you think??"

And the old guy say..... "DAMN for the money I paid for that thing, they could have at least IRONED IT!!"

 

[Jhill]

What's hard about eating a vegetable?



Putting her back in the wheelchair.

 

[Lithium381]

Originally posted by: here4amission

Originally posted by: bmd
So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.

"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over.

The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting License?"

The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.

He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?"

The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?"

The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.

"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector.

The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"

HAHHA FUNNY

i don't get that one !!

 

[bizmark]

Originally posted by: Jhill
What's hard about eating a vegetable?



Putting her back in the wheelchair.

OMG I just woke up my roommates laughing so loud!!! HA!!!!

Originally posted by: Evadman

Well, still downtown to me I live out by Elgin in Bartlett. ( a suburb guy! Ahhh! I can see your opinion of me falling already ) I As for the bowling, I have not bowled in a league since ISU, but I think my game is still alright. I am up for some games, sure! Just LMK. Gimme a few days notice too so I make sure I don't have an interview ( or hopefully a fricking job! ) I got a buddy who is going to U of C, but I have not talked to him for about a year. He used to bowl with me back in our YABA days. Now I have to find his number and call him up

<edit>
BTW: This thread has been hijacked

eh, I'd probably live in the suburbs if I had the choice. I've been up there a few times.... I don't know my suburbs very well though. How far are you from the Ravinia festival? That's nice up there.... man, to see actual non-landscaped trees and grass.... so nice to get away from the pavement and man-made parks and planted trees and the oppressive buildings that crowd the street.

*snaps out of reverie* so it'll probably be a while before I'm up for bowling.... fell off my bike this week and really scraped up the palm of my hand something awful Plus all of the pressures of school.... it never lets up. I'll see what I can do though, and LMK if you have anything planned where you could use an extra bud

 

[datalink7]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt....



keep scrolling.......




.....one button at a time.





















..........No one moves





















............He removes his shirt.





















.............Muscles ripple across his chest




















............he whispers:

























........."Iron this."

 

[Calin]

Didn't have so much fun from a long time. The "Iron this" bit was pure terror

Calin

 

[DaFinn]

Aahhaahaha,

This is the most funniest thread ever!!!


-DaFinn

 

[Dragnov]

BWahahahahahaha. I can't believe I've read through every single joke but they're so good!

 

[Shagger]

This guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, he takes a seat at the bar and no sooner than he sits down the monkey runs over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball! The bartender is pissed so he kicks the guy out. The next week the same guy comes into the bar with the same monkey on his shoulder and sits down at the bar. No sooner does he sit down than the monkey jumps up, runs over to the relish tray on the bar, sticks an olive on his thumb and jams it up his ass. He pulls out the olive and eats it! Again the bartender is pissed and starts yelling at the guy, ?What the hell do you think your doing?? ?What is that monkey?s problem!? The guy calmly responds, ?Well after the cue ball, he likes to measure everything first!?

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

An accountant was sent to prison for embezellment and found himself sharing a cell with a monstrously large man convicted of rape.

The rapist eyes him carefully and says, "Look, if we are going to be cellmates, we need to figure out who's going to be the husband and who's going to be the wife. Since you are new and all, I will let you pick which you want to be."

The accountant thought it over, trying not to think about the possibilities, and timidly tell his cellmate that he in fact, would prefer to be the husband.

The cellmate smiles real big and says, "Great! Now why don't you come over here and suck your wife's dick!"

 

[MaxDepth]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?' He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

 

[zzzz]

Originally posted by: Evadman

Originally posted by: bizmark

Originally posted by: Evadman

Originally posted by: bizmark

Originally posted by: Evadman
Thanks Bizmark. How do you clean barf out of a keyboard?

bwahaha. Sorry Dave. I've got an extra keyboard... you wanna drive down to Hyde Park and pick it up?

Downtown? Cool! You are the 4th AT'er I know in the Chicagoland area! I smell LANPARTY! That would be an awesome Housewarming party when I finaly get my crap together and buy a house!

1) HP ~= downtown !!! HP = SouthSide !!! I'm about 6-7 miles south of the Loop.

2) Problem is.... my rig isn't really good enough for a full-fledged LAN party

it'd be cool to get together sometime though I missed the last Chicago meet (June?) unfortunately.

But they just opened up a brand-spanking-new bowling alley in Hyde Park. Wanna come down for a few games sometime? Hang out with the nerdy U of C kids? I suck in bowling (esp. compared to you) but still it'd be cool.

Well, still downtown to me I live out by Elgin in Bartlett. ( a suburb guy! Ahhh! I can see your opinion of me falling already ) I As for the bowling, I have not bowled in a league since ISU, but I think my game is still alright. I am up for some games, sure! Just LMK. Gimme a few days notice too so I make sure I don't have an interview ( or hopefully a fricking job! ) I got a buddy who is going to U of C, but I have not talked to him for about a year. He used to bowl with me back in our YABA days. Now I have to find his number and call him up

<edit>
BTW: This thread has been hijacked

hehehe, I am in Hyde park too..

 

[OutHouse]

A big fat lady on welfare just got her check and went to the store. She only has enough money for a jar of mayo, bottle of katchup and 2 eggs. on the way out of the store her paper bag broke and all of her food fell onto the parking lot and broke making a big mess. She has no more money for food and falls on the the asphalt crying her eyes out. Along comes a drunk, he sees this big fat lady laying on the ground crying her eyes out and he also sees the big mess. he looks at her and looks at the mess again and studies it hard. The drunk gets a big smile on his face and says to the big fat lady, "its ok lady it would have been an idiot anyways look how far apart its eyes are".

 

[Lithium381]

Originally posted by: Citrix
A big fat lady on welfare just got her check and went to the store. She only has enough money for a jar of mayo, bottle of katchup and 2 eggs. on the way out of the store her paper bag broke and all of her food fell onto the parking lot and broke making a big mess. She has no more money for food and falls on the the asphalt crying her eyes out. Along comes a drunk, he sees this big fat lady laying on the ground crying her eyes out and he also sees the big mess. he looks at her and looks at the mess again and studies it hard. The drunk gets a big smile on his face and says to the big fat lady, "its ok lady it would have been an idiot anyways look how far apart its eyes are".

OUCH!!! HARSH!!
KEEP THEM COMMING GUYS!!! these are so great

 

[bmd]

So this guy goes out and buys a new motorcycle.

The salesperson tells him that when it rains to go outside and rub Vaseline on it because it makes it look nice and shiny.

Later that night, he goes to eat at his girlfriend's house, and the rule at thier house is if you talk during supper you have to do the dishes.

So they are eating and he looks at his girlfriend and kisses her. Nobody says anything. So he fvcks her right at the table and nobody says anything.

So he looks over at her mom and kisses her too. Nobody says anything. So he does her too.

Next thing he knows he looks outside and it is starts to rain outside, so he grabs the Vaseline out of his pocket.

At that his girlfriend's dad stands up and says, ''Okay, okay. I will do the damn dishes."

 

[bmd]

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful nun and sits next to her. He turns to the nun and asks, ''Will you have sex with me?''

Surprised by the question, the Nun answers ''No!'' and gets off at the next stop.

After she gets off the bus, the bus driver turns to the Hippie and says,''I overheard your conversation, and I think I know how you can get the Nun to have sex with you.''

"How?" asks the Hippie.

The bus driver tells him that every night at around 12 o'clock the nun goes to the cemetary and prays. If you go there and dress up as God you can demand her to have sex with you. The Hippie, happy about his new knowledge decides to dress up as God the next night and go there.

When he goes there he sees the nun praying. He goes up to her and says, ''I am God, I order you to have sex with me.''

The nun answers, ''Sure, but can it be anal because I don't want to lose my virginity?'' They agree and have their way.

After it is all done the Hippie rips off his mask and says, ''HAHA I'm the hippie that was on the bus yesterday.''

Then the Nun rips off her mask and says, ''HAHA, I'm the bus driver!"

 

[bmd]

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome of women teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed straight for a foursome of men playing the next hole. As luck would have it, the ball hit one of the men, who immediately clasped his hands at his crotch, and dropped straight down to the ground, and started rolling around in apparent agony. The woman became alarmed and ran over to the man and said, ''OH MY GOSH SIR, I'm so sorry, are you all right?''

To which the man replied, ''UUMMPPH....I'll be fine in a couple of minutes.''

Still clasping his hands at his crotch, and now laying in the fetal position.

Then the woman said, ''I'm a licensed physical therapist, and I think I could alleviate your pain for you if you would allow me to.''

The man said, ''Oh, no I'll be all right in a few minutes.''

But the woman persisted, and finally convinced the man to let her help him. She took his hands and laid them to the side, opened his pants up, put her hands inside, and started massaging him. ''There, doesn't that feel good?'' she asked.

The man said, ''It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!'



That's all I got for now.

 

[Brutuskend]

Three GOOD ones BMD!!

(DAMN IT)

Now I'll have to steal THOSE to....

 

[bmd]

Originally posted by: Brutuskend
Three GOOD ones BMD!!

(DAMN IT)

Now I'll have to steal THOSE to....

. Your turn Brutus, I need some laughs. Will check back after some CS action.