A man is traveling through West Virginia, his car breaks down.
He is walking along the road when he sees a house, he goes up and knocks on the door and a very beautiful woman answers the door.
"May I use your phone? he asks
"Sure, c'mon in" she says in a sweet soft southern accent.
He calls AAA and they say it will be about 4 hours before a tow truck can get to his location. As he hangs up the phone, he notices the woman has stripped down to nothing but her birthday suit.
She takes him to the couch, EAT MY BEAVER she screems.
He begins to, and then pops back up real quick.
"Lady, I may be from the city, but I know the difference between a beaver and a skunk.
He is walking along the road when he sees a house, he goes up and knocks on the door and a very beautiful woman answers the door.
"May I use your phone? he asks
"Sure, c'mon in" she says in a sweet soft southern accent.
He calls AAA and they say it will be about 4 hours before a tow truck can get to his location. As he hangs up the phone, he notices the woman has stripped down to nothing but her birthday suit.
She takes him to the couch, EAT MY BEAVER she screems.
He begins to, and then pops back up real quick.
"Lady, I may be from the city, but I know the difference between a beaver and a skunk.
A man is invited to his girlfriends house for dinner. He meets her parents, has a nice dinner and then tries to leave.
The car won't start, so they tell him to spend the night, but under no circumstances is he to sleep with their "Little girl".
Well during the night, she sneaks down to where he is sleeping, and they have romantic sex. Next morning he wakes up with a huge cinder block on his chet, he trows it out the 2nd story window. Next to the window is a note.
"You slept with my daughter, right nut tied to brick. so he thinks about it, Broke leg or missing nut, So he jumps out the winddow, and sees another note.
HA HA Got you Left nut tied to bed post.
The car won't start, so they tell him to spend the night, but under no circumstances is he to sleep with their "Little girl".
Well during the night, she sneaks down to where he is sleeping, and they have romantic sex. Next morning he wakes up with a huge cinder block on his chet, he trows it out the 2nd story window. Next to the window is a note.
"You slept with my daughter, right nut tied to brick. so he thinks about it, Broke leg or missing nut, So he jumps out the winddow, and sees another note.
HA HA Got you Left nut tied to bed post.
A man went to the vet and said. My cat is always purring and acting wierd lately. The Vet said shes just horny, next time she does it grab a q-tip and simulate sex with her. Come back tomorrow and tell me how it went.
The guy comes back a day later and the Vet says so how did it go?
The guy says good, the cat is fine now but I had one problem.
The Vet says what is the problem?
The guy says I felt really silly with a q-tip strapped aroung my waist.
The guy comes back a day later and the Vet says so how did it go?
The guy says good, the cat is fine now but I had one problem.
The Vet says what is the problem?
The guy says I felt really silly with a q-tip strapped aroung my waist.
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can
up to his ear and began to count: >> > "1" >> > "2" >> > "3" >> > "4" >>
> "5" >> > At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can
up to his ear and began to count: >> > "1" >> > "2" >> > "3" >> > "4" >>
> "5" >> > At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
How do you get rid of crabs?
Find a woman with a taste for seafood.
VD is nothing to CLAP about.
Find a woman with a taste for seafood.
VD is nothing to CLAP about.
Q) Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
A) Because they're ugly and they stink.
Q) Why do women get their periods?
A) Because they fvcking deserve it!
Q: What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, I already told that bitch twice!!
Q) whats a battered woman do when she gets home from the hospital?
A) The dishes if she knows what's good for her!!
1) How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me. . ."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me. "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.
21. Why does the bride wear white at the wedding?
Because the dishwasher should match the stove and the refrigerator.
22. Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
-=bmacd=-
A) Because they're ugly and they stink.
Q) Why do women get their periods?
A) Because they fvcking deserve it!
Q: What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, I already told that bitch twice!!
Q) whats a battered woman do when she gets home from the hospital?
A) The dishes if she knows what's good for her!!
1) How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me. . ."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me. "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.
21. Why does the bride wear white at the wedding?
Because the dishwasher should match the stove and the refrigerator.
22. Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
-=bmacd=-
#22 is quite possibly the worst joke I have ever heard...
Ok... I did laugh, but not much.
Ok, I laughed really hard.
Ok... I did laugh, but not much.
Ok, I laughed really hard.
I am supprised that this thread has lasted as long as it has.
A woman was at a grocery store and the carryout boy was pretty nice looking and had a lot of muscles. She decided that she would like a little roll in the hay with him so when they got out the door she said to him "I have a itchy pussy" his reply was "well you will have to point it out I dont know them japanese cars very well."
Bleep
A woman was at a grocery store and the carryout boy was pretty nice looking and had a lot of muscles. She decided that she would like a little roll in the hay with him so when they got out the door she said to him "I have a itchy pussy" his reply was "well you will have to point it out I dont know them japanese cars very well."
Bleep
Why do women have legs?
So they won't leave a snail trail on trhe sidewalk.
How can you tell God had a sense of humor when he created woman? Why else is the snackbar so close to the crapper.
So they won't leave a snail trail on trhe sidewalk.
How can you tell God had a sense of humor when he created woman? Why else is the snackbar so close to the crapper.
Once upon a time a fly was buzzing through the forest, and came to a stop just above a small creek wandering through it.
At the same time, there was a fish in the water. He saw the fly, and thought to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, I'll be able to jump up out of the water and catch it, and have myself a nice meal."
At the same time there was a bear sitting by the stream. The bear sees the fly and the fish and thinks to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, I bet that fish will jump up to catch it, and when he does, I'll be able to reach out and grab the fish and have myself a nice meal."
At the same time there was a hunter in the woods near the stream. The hunter sees the fly, the fish, and the bear, and thinks to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, I bet that fish will jump up to catch it and that bear will reach out to grab the fish. While the bear is distracted I can take aim with my hunting rifle, shoot the bear, and have myself a nice meal."
At the same time there was a mouse in the woods near the hunter's camp. The mouse sees the fly, the fish, the bear, and the hunter, and thinks to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, that fish is gonna jump up to catch it, that bear will reach out to grab the fish, and this hunter will try to shoot the bear. While the hunter is distracted I can run over and get that piece of cheese he has and have myself a nice meal."
At the same time there was a cat wandering through the woods. The cat sees the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, and the mouse, and thinks to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, that bear will reach out and grab the fish, the hunter will try to shoot the bear, and that mouse will try to get the hunter's piece of cheese. While the mouse is trying to get the cheese I can pounce on him and have myself a nice meal."
Well, wouldn't you know it, the fly drops closer to the water, the fish jumps up to catch the fly, the bear lunges out to catch the fish, the hunter takes aim on the bear, the mouse scampers over to get the cheese, and the cat pounces on the mouse. After enjoying his meal and feeling rather full, the cat trots off into the trees and hops onto a log to cross the stream. About halfway across the cat falls off the log and into the stream.
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Any time a fly drops three inches there is a chance some pussy will get wet.
At the same time, there was a fish in the water. He saw the fly, and thought to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, I'll be able to jump up out of the water and catch it, and have myself a nice meal."
At the same time there was a bear sitting by the stream. The bear sees the fly and the fish and thinks to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, I bet that fish will jump up to catch it, and when he does, I'll be able to reach out and grab the fish and have myself a nice meal."
At the same time there was a hunter in the woods near the stream. The hunter sees the fly, the fish, and the bear, and thinks to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, I bet that fish will jump up to catch it and that bear will reach out to grab the fish. While the bear is distracted I can take aim with my hunting rifle, shoot the bear, and have myself a nice meal."
At the same time there was a mouse in the woods near the hunter's camp. The mouse sees the fly, the fish, the bear, and the hunter, and thinks to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, that fish is gonna jump up to catch it, that bear will reach out to grab the fish, and this hunter will try to shoot the bear. While the hunter is distracted I can run over and get that piece of cheese he has and have myself a nice meal."
At the same time there was a cat wandering through the woods. The cat sees the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, and the mouse, and thinks to himself:
"If that fly drops down about 3 inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, that bear will reach out and grab the fish, the hunter will try to shoot the bear, and that mouse will try to get the hunter's piece of cheese. While the mouse is trying to get the cheese I can pounce on him and have myself a nice meal."
Well, wouldn't you know it, the fly drops closer to the water, the fish jumps up to catch the fly, the bear lunges out to catch the fish, the hunter takes aim on the bear, the mouse scampers over to get the cheese, and the cat pounces on the mouse. After enjoying his meal and feeling rather full, the cat trots off into the trees and hops onto a log to cross the stream. About halfway across the cat falls off the log and into the stream.
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Any time a fly drops three inches there is a chance some pussy will get wet.
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you a erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean"
The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.
The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you a erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean"
The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.
The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
johnjohn320
Diamond Member
- Jan 9, 2001
- 7,572
- 2
- 76
Originally posted by: ffmcobalt
Originally posted by: Beau6183
OMG HAHAHAHAA
If I was Baff, there'd be whatever I'm drinking all over my keyboard now. Nice one Ulf!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!She must go through keyboards a lot.
edro13, racist jokes are not allowed at AT at all.
nik
I dunno about that, people seem to have no problem making fun of Middle-Easterners....
By the way these jokes are funny.
Originally posted by: johnjohn320
Originally posted by: ffmcobalt
Originally posted by: Beau6183
OMG HAHAHAHAA
If I was Baff, there'd be whatever I'm drinking all over my keyboard now. Nice one Ulf!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
edro13, racist jokes are not allowed at AT at all.
nik
I dunno about that, people seem to have no problem making fun of Middle-Easterners....
By the way these jokes are funny.
Middle easterners aren't a race
I'm joking. HEY I SAID I WAS JOKING. I work with a guy from Irac. He's awesome.
nik
What's the difference between a 16 year old girl and a washing machine?
After you drop your load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for weeks saying it loves you.
After you drop your load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for weeks saying it loves you.
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