Originally posted by: MrsBugi
What an unfortunate situation - I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you.
Would pursuing marriage counseling even be an option at this point?
It's funny you should be mentioning that. She tells me that she has been going to counseling at her church every week. I question the kind of counseling she's getting, though. Sounds to me like they just listen to her and don't really offer any substantive advice. Seems to me that pretty much any church would be counselling to keep the sanctity of marriage together.
funboy6942
Lifer
- Nov 13, 2001
- 15,368
- 418
- 126
If your boss is allowing you to move back into a area (chicago I take it), work remotly, and you have friends and family in why not take that. Get an apartment close to her and see if you being a few minutes away to where she can see you again without waiting will bring her around. I wouldnt wait for an answer from her especially if your saying where your at now you have no life. If she doesnt come back to you and you dont work something out atleast your back in a place where you have family and friends that can support you.
I would also think that between what the ex has done and with you being gone for so long has her very confused and scared not really knowing what to do for fear of loosing you forever. At least now your still kinda there in her life. If you moved back and was closer where you can see her and maybe do this without her knowing would be a huge surprise when you show up at her door and say im here forever for you and Im not going anywhere else anytime soon. At that point she may open the door with open arms or with her new boyfriend sitting on the couch. But either way its a win win for you because you wont be where your at if you get a divorce and near your friends and family that can give you the support your going to need in person rather over the phone if you so choose to go through with the divorce. But again I think just showing up out of the blue and telling her you got an apartment near by when she is ready to talk would be much better for the both of you especially her to make a decision knowing your so close and not going anywhere. You could always get a month to month lease to start with if things work out and you move back in with her or maybe even move in with a friend and see what happends till you get an apartment or move in.
Just my 2 cents before you go and tell her its over really crushing her completly after having her daughter taken away and then you giving up and leaving her.
I would also think that between what the ex has done and with you being gone for so long has her very confused and scared not really knowing what to do for fear of loosing you forever. At least now your still kinda there in her life. If you moved back and was closer where you can see her and maybe do this without her knowing would be a huge surprise when you show up at her door and say im here forever for you and Im not going anywhere else anytime soon. At that point she may open the door with open arms or with her new boyfriend sitting on the couch. But either way its a win win for you because you wont be where your at if you get a divorce and near your friends and family that can give you the support your going to need in person rather over the phone if you so choose to go through with the divorce. But again I think just showing up out of the blue and telling her you got an apartment near by when she is ready to talk would be much better for the both of you especially her to make a decision knowing your so close and not going anywhere. You could always get a month to month lease to start with if things work out and you move back in with her or maybe even move in with a friend and see what happends till you get an apartment or move in.
Just my 2 cents before you go and tell her its over really crushing her completly after having her daughter taken away and then you giving up and leaving her.
Originally posted by: elektrolokomotive
Originally posted by: MrsBugi
What an unfortunate situation - I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you.
Would pursuing marriage counseling even be an option at this point?
It's funny you should be mentioning that. She tells me that she has been going to counseling at her church every week. I question the kind of counseling she's getting, though. Sounds to me like they just listen to her and don't really offer any substantive advice. Seems to me that pretty much any church would be counselling to keep the sanctity of marriage together.
It would make sense to think that, but perhaps she's somehow spun the story.
It always helps to have both sides presenting their own piece and feelings, which is why I would respectfully suggest possibly seeing a marriage counseler together, as a couple. This might not even be an option for you because of the distance, if you think this relationship might be worth the effort, it may help or at least bring things up that are not currently being shared or understood.
Once again, good luck and best wishes to you.
Schadenfreude
Lifer
- Dec 28, 2001
- 11,391
- 3
- 0
Patrick Wolf
Platinum Member
- Jan 5, 2005
- 2,443
- 0
- 0
Call her and keep persisting that she gives you an answer, she's had more than enough time to decide. I'd hire a P.I., or go there and spy on her yourself. If she is using you, turn your sadness into anger. It's worked for me in the past. :thumbsup:
You're right man, you don't need advice. You know EXACTLY what to do. As painful as it is it seems to be your only option at this point.
Keep your chin up man. There is someone for everyone.
Keep your chin up man. There is someone for everyone.
Interesting thought. But the idea of spending several hundred dollars to fly to Chicago, spend more money to rent a car to drive the 2 hours to Hooterville on the off chance that in the day or so I'll have available I'll maybe randomly see something go down in a small town where I'll be quickly recognized seems like a waste of monetary resources that I might need.
As I said before, I really don't care about that. If there is something like that, I'd rather not know.
I think you're right. We used to spend several hours on the phone daily (thank god for vonage and free long distance!). After my trip last November, our parting words went from:
Me(or her): I love you
Me (or her): I love you too
to -
Me: I love you
Her: I know
to -
Me: I love you
Her: silence, or okay, bye
I think this clarifies a lot of things. I don't believe in divorce, but it seems like this marriage has been a sham since the beginning.
I don't agree with your assessment that this was a sham from the beginning. We lived together for 2 years before this all transpired. I know she loved me, and I loved her (I still do).
OP
You're being very level headed about this whole situation, and I believe you are going in the right direction. Just don't forget that you need to take care of yourself now more than ever.
You might want to visit Royce's Relationship Rescue Divorce Forums and post what is happening-they were able to help me when I was going through my divorce (8 months ago it was finalized).
Best wishes to you and your children.
Rogo
You're being very level headed about this whole situation, and I believe you are going in the right direction. Just don't forget that you need to take care of yourself now more than ever.
You might want to visit Royce's Relationship Rescue Divorce Forums and post what is happening-they were able to help me when I was going through my divorce (8 months ago it was finalized).
Best wishes to you and your children.
Rogo
Hey man,
One more thing. I know you didn't ask for advice, but after thinking about your plight this afternoon I feel compelled to say this.
first off, you seem to be under the impression that if you two divorce she won't get anything, and that very well may be (it all depends on the judge, the law, and how good her attorney is). The fact is though there is a CHANCE she could get alimony out of you.
to deny there is a chance of this happening is to deny that the deadbeat dad could gain custody of the girl. The impossible, and improbable, does and will happen.
If you've made no mention to her of divorce I wouldn't until you do one thing. Gather evidence to cover your assests.
As a few have mentioned earlier, she is likely seeing someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the father of her child, but I digress. You have to be smart about this, you sound like a guy who's got his head right, but his heart's in the wrong place.
Hire a P.I. to find out if your wife is cheating. If she's not, then nothing lost, she never even has to know. If she is then you not only have grounds for divorce (and maybe grounds for a beatdown or two) but you pretty much gaurentee that you'll never have to owe her one single cent.
again, I know my advice is unsolicited, so I hope you take it with a grain of salt....and I hope you just take it.
EDIT: BTW, in case you didn't get the sense, I'm a cynic. However, I believe there is some merit to funboy42's plan. I'd get a PI first and see if she's being faithful. If she is, and you love her as much as you say you do, then I think funboys suggestion, or some variation thereof is a really good idea. You two would have to slowly rebuild things, and this would give her that oppritunity, if she wants it, without feeling like she's being pressured.
One more thing. I know you didn't ask for advice, but after thinking about your plight this afternoon I feel compelled to say this.
first off, you seem to be under the impression that if you two divorce she won't get anything, and that very well may be (it all depends on the judge, the law, and how good her attorney is). The fact is though there is a CHANCE she could get alimony out of you.
to deny there is a chance of this happening is to deny that the deadbeat dad could gain custody of the girl. The impossible, and improbable, does and will happen.
If you've made no mention to her of divorce I wouldn't until you do one thing. Gather evidence to cover your assests.
As a few have mentioned earlier, she is likely seeing someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the father of her child, but I digress. You have to be smart about this, you sound like a guy who's got his head right, but his heart's in the wrong place.
Hire a P.I. to find out if your wife is cheating. If she's not, then nothing lost, she never even has to know. If she is then you not only have grounds for divorce (and maybe grounds for a beatdown or two) but you pretty much gaurentee that you'll never have to owe her one single cent.
again, I know my advice is unsolicited, so I hope you take it with a grain of salt....and I hope you just take it.
EDIT: BTW, in case you didn't get the sense, I'm a cynic. However, I believe there is some merit to funboy42's plan. I'd get a PI first and see if she's being faithful. If she is, and you love her as much as you say you do, then I think funboys suggestion, or some variation thereof is a really good idea. You two would have to slowly rebuild things, and this would give her that oppritunity, if she wants it, without feeling like she's being pressured.
I'm very much in self protection mode right now. Filing before she can so the case stays in WA and it's inconvenient for her to fight. Neither one of us has very much money right now, me certainly more than her, and I've moved my direct deposit away from any accounts we share.
As far as the PI issue, I really can't afford to do that right now.
Let me preface my opinion by saying that I am the biggest bitch on the planet, so take this all with a grain of salt.
She is your wife! Not your date, or your girlfriend.. but your WIFE!! she is being incredibly disrespectful and disloyal to you. I understand the situation with her daughter. Her daughter should ALWAYS come first. No question about that. But... but, but but... she is not missing you, longing for you, desiring to see you and working her ass off to make that happen. She is sitting back, ignoring and neglecting you and forcing you to carry the entire load for everything. Sorry, but just her 'wanting time to think about it' is all you should need to know.
She should be asskissingly grateful that you stood by her, were willing to take on her kids, married her and are carrying her all this time.
Sucks for you, because you love her... but it is time to find someone who is worthy of the type of person you are and all the wonderful things you have to offer.
And i will finish this by saying that I was in a situation that was so similar to yours that it is almost eerie. But think International, kidnapping charges, the Hague Convention Law, the High Court in The Strand, and the Supreme Court here. It is a horrible thing... but you have proven that you deserve so much better.
I am sorry that you have to go thru this.
But, if you are a God fearing man, trust in the He has something better in store for you as a reward.
Good Luck!
She is your wife! Not your date, or your girlfriend.. but your WIFE!! she is being incredibly disrespectful and disloyal to you. I understand the situation with her daughter. Her daughter should ALWAYS come first. No question about that. But... but, but but... she is not missing you, longing for you, desiring to see you and working her ass off to make that happen. She is sitting back, ignoring and neglecting you and forcing you to carry the entire load for everything. Sorry, but just her 'wanting time to think about it' is all you should need to know.
She should be asskissingly grateful that you stood by her, were willing to take on her kids, married her and are carrying her all this time.
Sucks for you, because you love her... but it is time to find someone who is worthy of the type of person you are and all the wonderful things you have to offer.
And i will finish this by saying that I was in a situation that was so similar to yours that it is almost eerie. But think International, kidnapping charges, the Hague Convention Law, the High Court in The Strand, and the Supreme Court here. It is a horrible thing... but you have proven that you deserve so much better.
I am sorry that you have to go thru this.
But, if you are a God fearing man, trust in the He has something better in store for you as a reward. Good Luck!
I feel inclined to agree with KarenMarie. It is a really tough situation. You relationship with her is very one-sided and a relationship like that cannot thrive.
Good luck with everything: God will help you through this and if you just have faith, He will fix it all.
Good luck with everything: God will help you through this and if you just have faith, He will fix it all.
Originally posted by: Jzero
I hate to be the cynic, but it seems like there's a reason she's had previous marriageS.
2nd that.
She's cheating on him. Guaranteed. The fact that he can't see it is amazing. She's living alone, taking his money, and doesn't want him to come back.
How much of a sucker/pushover is this dude?
Wow. You can't afford a PI, but can afford for her to take half you stuff? Guaranteed she's shacked up with some dude.
K1052
Elite Member
- Aug 21, 2003
- 53,147
- 47,348
- 136
Indeed.
It is worth a shot I should think to establish that she was unfaithful, especially since your financial well being (for a considerable amount of time) is at stake. Keep everything normal, money flowing and all that, while you amass as much evidence against her as possible. Once that is done, get a good lawyer and torpedo her little money ship that you call a marriage with the divorce filing.
We don't know this. He knows her and knows the area where she lives, and he doubts this. There are quite a few situations that invlove no infidelity, people. It sounds more like severe depression to me, but again, what do I know here?
He loved/loves the woman. If marriage was just about money this would be a simple situation but money isn't all that's going on.
(edited to clean up an aggressive tone)
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