I'm very sorry it came to this

elektrolokomotive

Golden Member
Jan 14, 2004
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This is long. Cliff notes at the end if you have a short attention span. I'm not really looking for advice here, this is more a cathartic for me. I'm just emotionally played out.

Back in March of 2004, the outsourcing company that I had worked at for 10years decided to lay me off for the second time. The company that I had been contracted out to offered me a career opportunity, but I would have to move 2000 miles to work at thier corporate headquarters. As the job pickings were pretty slim at the time, it sounded like a good opportunity.

My fiancee and I talked it over very carefully. She has children from previous marriages, so there was much discussion about the logistics of this relocation. She spoke to her exes, and her daughters father, who is a weasel, grudgingly agreed to allow the relocation to happen.

I moved out to Seattle in May 2004. She was going to waiti until the kids were out of school, and follow me out here. It was the perfect time, since the lease on our house expired at the same time.

A few weeks after I got out here, my fiancee was serverd with papers from her daughter's father. He was bringing a case forward to gain sole custody of his daughter. Quick background: he's an alchoholic who never had any interest in his daughters activities, was chronically late on child support (up to 8 months behind), and was living with the woman he committed adultery, and concieved a bastard child with (the reason my fiancee divorced him to begin with).

My fiancee retained a highly respected attorney in the county where this was all taking place (rural county 2 hours west of Chicago). She moved in with a friend of ours temporarily in the hopes of clearing through this quickly.

Time passes. The other side is doing everythig they can to delay. My fiancee decides to move back to the one-horse town to fight this action. it's going to trial. Our attorney strongly suggests we get married right away, instead of wainting for her to get here, since it will look better for the court. I fly in, and we get married in June of 2004. (there was a previous thread about this).

At this point, she's quit the job she had in the Chicago area, and there aren't really any decent jobs in her new location; certainly nothing in her skillset or mine. So now I'm supporting two households.

The case goes badly. By some strange twist of fate, the trial judge awards custody to the father. It was a circus. My suspicion is that the judge was paid off. In the court record of the case, the judge says: "While I can point to no particular reason to allow this to happen, I'm going to allow it". Even though he's on record as admonishing the father as an "inert" parent, and acknowledging that i would be more effective in assisting the daughter in her education. My (now) wife is out of her mind with grief. She's just lost her daughter for no good reason. We attempt motions for rehearing,etc. It's now July 2005. We know this is going to have to go to the Appellate court. The other side knows it too, and starts dragging their heels on modifications to visitation and child support, since the Appellate won't hear the case until it has jurisdiciton.

I'm doing well at my new job, get a promotion, and can afford to support both of us with the part time job my wife has found at a store one of her childhood friend's run in town. The hours are very flexible, and it allows her time to spend as much time as she can with her daughter. It's a tight squeeze every month for me, and I have absolutely no extra money at the end of every month, but we're no falling behind. I start looking for a job in her area. Using a radius of almost 100miles from her location. There's nothing to be had. She's very (understandably) very depressed. She wants me to sell everything and come running back. I tell her that I am actively looking for something, and just picking up and moving back wouldn't be in the best interests of the family, since we'd be living out the van if I came back to no job, and no unemployment. I understand her grief, and believe me, it was no picnic for me either, being so far away from her and so powerless to do anything.

the last time I flew out to see her, it was in Nov. 2005. I was able to work remotely, so I got to stay for 10 days. We parted with the anticipation that I would be home for an extended period over Christmas. Two days before I was to come back for Christmas, she calls me and tells me not to come: "it's too hard for her when I leave", is her reason.

I spend Christmas alone, for the second year in a row. Mind you, she has a large circle of friends in this town (she grew up there), and I have no one. I'm in a strange area, and can't really afford to go out. So I've led a solitary existence all this time.I send her and the kids some Christmas presents. I don't recieve even a card, or a call on Christmas for that matter. This predicates a long conversation with us, where she tells me that she "feels abandonded". I tel her (not the first time) that I have been looking for employment out there and nothing has come up. She thinks I'm just having such a great time out here that I don't really want to come back. Upshot of the conversation is that I tell her that something will eventutally come up, and when it does she'll be faced with the decision of whether she wants me to come back. I recieve another promotion at the end of the year.

My boss has been very sensitive to the developing situation, and has been following it closely. I finally have enough political clout to make things happen. Right after new years, he tells me that I can move back there and work remotely full time. I cal my wife with what I thought was happy news, and that now it's time for her to make a decision. Her response: "do I have to tell you right away?" I tell her no, but if she decides not to, then she'll be faced with other decisions. Now mind you, I'm well aware that working remotely will totally niip any further advancement in my career, and that I'd probably have about 2 years before they let me go. But I was willing to do that for her. I loved her, folks; more than I loved anyone in my life. This isn't some teen crush.

So here it is now, May. She still hasn't made a decision, and she doesn't really talk to me unless she needs something (usually money). She's completely emotionally distanced herself from me at this point, probably since the last time we were together. I had a long and fiery conversation with her about six weeks ago, and I told her that she wasn't giving me any hope; she doesn't talk to me unless she needs something, she never wants to know what's going on with me, She gives me no emotional sustenance whatsoever. The people here that know the situation think I'm just being used at this point.

I'm feeling pretty used, and used up at this point. I'm going to call her tonite and tell her that I'm filing for a divorce. I feel like a total sh!t for doing this, but I don't see where she's left me with any option. I don't know what she's going to do financially, and it eats me up, but I can't be played like this forever. I was willing to make all kinds of sacrifices, but they don't seem to matter, I wish she would just open her heart a little bit to see how much I've been through. But she won't; it's all about her and her feelings. but logically, why would she just want to throw away someone who loves her unconditionally, and is her sole means of support?



Cliffs:

- Moved 2000 miles away from my family in pursuit of career, and gainful employment
- Wife was supposed to follow with the kids, but her ex wrapped her up in court cases after verbally agreeing to allow the move.
- Wife quit her job and moved back to one-horse town to fight the case.
- I've been supporting her for almost 2 years while living apart.
- Finally got a chance to move back there and work remotely back in January, wife is still deciding whether she wants me to come back.
- I'll probably file for divorce this month.

Update:

We talked for some time. Same basic stuff that it always has been lately. (boiled down for brevity, feel free to ask for details on any point) I asked her first off she had made any kind of decision, she said she still didn't know. I reiterated my stance that her indifference was causing some major problems in my confidence; that maybe she didn't want to tell me her decision because she needed me to stay until the court issue was resolved, and when she had no further use for me, i would be dismissed. She didn't refute this.

The conversation worked its way back around to her feelings of abandonment, and how I should have just sold everything way back and moved back to her right then. I again told her the same thing I've told her in the past about this issue: I did what I did because I strongly believed that staying here while I was attempting to secure employment back in her area was in the best interests of our family. Right or wrong, I realized a while back that the decision may have been in error; but if she can't get her head around that and forgive me (for making sure she was cared for), then there really isn't anywhere to go with this.

Certainly there was much more that was said. But the salient point I tried to press home to her was that unlike her, I still loved her and always did.

I told her that i would at some point this summer drive my car back and trade out my car for the minivan, since the van isn't paid for and selling it would net no money since we're still upside down on the loan. I asked her to give me alist of the things she wants me to send back to her, and I would ship it back as soon as I could afford to do so. And I wouldn't be paying her rent next month.

I felt so empty after this conversation.

She called me at work this morning. I moved off to a phone room (we have low cubes) and called her back. She basically went off on me about what a sh!t I was being, and that I knew I was turning her out in the street with little warning, and that I'd never get her stuff back. So we start the same points again.

I went back into the indifference issue, and told her that all I was asking for was some small sign that there was still any kind of spark. I apologized yet again for my (in her view) misguided decision. I told her that I really didn't want to do this (again). I gave her every opportunity to say something that would prompt me to relent. I also promised her that her stuff would come back and reminded her that in the entire course of our relationship, I have ALWAYS done exactly what I said I would do.

It didn't happen.

I did make one small concession, and agreed to pay her rent for June. This is my Jesuit upbringing rearing its ugly head. I feel so terrible about turning her out like this, but I did everything I could.
 

Feneant2

Golden Member
May 26, 2004
1,418
30
91
Extremely sad situation, but I think it's the best one for you.

From her discussions, it almost sounds like the is cheating on you, is that a possibility?
 

elektrolokomotive

Golden Member
Jan 14, 2004
1,637
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Originally posted by: Feneant2
Extremely sad situation, but I think it's the best one for you.

From her discussions, it almost sounds like the is cheating on you, is that a possibility?

No, I have enough contacts in that town to know. Everybody pretty much knows everyone's business. Besides, she on an uncomfortably heavy religion kick right now, "waiting for a sign" from God on what to do. I'm religious too, but not to the point that I'm willing to lay back and let some higher power do the heavy lifting.
 

Runes911

Golden Member
Dec 6, 2000
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76
Umm if her kids are out of school they are 18+ and can choose which parent they want to stay with right?
 

GuitarDaddy

Lifer
Nov 9, 2004
11,465
1
0
If you really love her and want to make it work, move back and take care of business. Don't give her a choice. Put the ball in her court, make her tell you if she wants a divorce.
You will never really find out the truth as long as your 1000 miles away IMO.
 

Jzero

Lifer
Oct 10, 1999
18,834
1
0
I hate to be the cynic, but it seems like there's a reason she's had previous marriageS. :(

Hope things get better for you.
 

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
21,014
137
106
Whoa, that's a sad story. I'm sorry for what you've gone through.

I think you are doing the right thing now, though. You might never understand why she is acting this way, but you can't do anything about how other people behave. You are both going through tremendous emotional turmoil and it's possible she can't give you the emotional support you seek while she is dealing with the situation with her daughter. People only have so much in the way of reserves to carry them through tough times, and it sounds like both of you are running on fumes at this time.

You did all you could, and it didn't work out. Good luck as you move on with your life, things will definitely get better.

 

Dr. Detroit

Diamond Member
Sep 25, 2004
8,152
619
126
She has a circle of firends, and one of those friends is a male who is keeping her warm at night.

Consider her behavior when you were first apart, how she always called and wanted you home. Consider how she is acting now, no longer is their an emotional tie with her. Obviously someone is in her life.

It is time to stop sending money and have the marriage annulled.


 

iroast

Golden Member
May 5, 2005
1,364
3
81
It sounds almost like an intricate scam. Anyway, you should try to get your marriage annulled if that's possible?
 

Gunslinger08

Lifer
Nov 18, 2001
13,234
2
81
Get out. She's using you for money.. and that's it. If she even has to question whether or not she wants you to move back, why would you stay with her? She doesn't love you anymore.
 

CVSiN

Diamond Member
Jul 19, 2004
9,301
0
0
not to sound like a dink here but why so long in bewteen visits?
I'd feel kinda abandoned also..

also depressed or not why did she not move with you after the case?
she could fly back for the appeal if she had to..
there is no need to reside there unless she just doesnt want to leave the daughter.

there is fault on both sides here compromises could have been made and should have been made.

 

elektrolokomotive

Golden Member
Jan 14, 2004
1,637
0
0
Originally posted by: Runes911
Umm if her kids are out of school they are 18+ and can choose which parent they want to stay with right?

Out of school for the summer. They are grammer-school aged.
 

Tobolo

Diamond Member
Aug 17, 2005
3,699
0
0
sorry man. Its shame there arent more men out there today that are willing to give it all like you did.
 

BigJ

Lifer
Nov 18, 2001
21,335
1
81
What is she going to do for money?

Take half of everything you own in divorce court.

I hate to say it man, but it sounds like you were being setup when her lawyer told the two of you to get married.
 

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,459
854
126
That sucks. :(

I honestly don't know of a single long distance relationship that has worked out. Personally, I think they are a bad idea.

Keep us updated.
 

elektrolokomotive

Golden Member
Jan 14, 2004
1,637
0
0
Originally posted by: CVSiN
not to sound like a dink here but why so long in bewteen visits?
I'd feel kinda abandoned also..

also depressed or not why did she not move with you after the case?
she could fly back for the appeal if she had to..
there is no need to reside there unless she just doesnt want to leave the daughter.

there is fault on both sides here compromises could have been made and should have been made.

I flew back at every opportunity I could afford to. It's not easy supporting two separate households AND have the funds to just fly around whenever I feel like it. There were other visits, not documented above.

She will not leave that stinking town without her daughter.
 

elektrolokomotive

Golden Member
Jan 14, 2004
1,637
0
0
Originally posted by: BigJ
What is she going to do for money?

Take half of everything you own in divorce court.

I hate to say it man, but it sounds like you were being setup when her lawyer told the two of you to get married.

That will be something of a problem for her. There are no assets to split up. All my money has been goint to keep us both going. There's no real estate, And I have most of our houlsehold stuff out here.
 

BobDaMenkey

Diamond Member
Jan 27, 2005
3,057
2
0
Man, that really stinks. I feel for ya man, but I think that going for the divorce is the best idea. If she's going to just sit and ask you for money and thats it, there's no reason to keep paying out.
 

PricklyPete

Lifer
Sep 17, 2002
14,714
164
106
Originally posted by: elektrolokomotive
Originally posted by: Reggae4k
wow, have the marriage anulled!

I looked into that. It's not a possibility.

I would definitely look into it. I'm really sorry it turned out this way for you. You seem like a good guy and I'm sure you will not have a problem finding someone who is able to participate in a relationship with you.
 

BigJ

Lifer
Nov 18, 2001
21,335
1
81
Originally posted by: elektrolokomotive
Originally posted by: BigJ
What is she going to do for money?

Take half of everything you own in divorce court.

I hate to say it man, but it sounds like you were being setup when her lawyer told the two of you to get married.

That will be something of a problem for her. There are no assets to split up. All my money has been goint to keep us both going. There's no real estate, And I have most of our houlsehold stuff out here.

And your paycheck will continue going to her after you're divorced.

I'm sorry it came to this man, but it looks like you're going to get royally shafted here. You were a stand-up guy and it looks like you're going to get taken in the end.

Best of luck to ya.