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I'm very sorry it came to this

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That's really disheartening. But thinking about yourself and your life is pretty damn important, and it sounds like you've been neglecting yourself. From what I've heard, it sounds like your initial reaction is the right one. As much as you may care for her (or at least did in the past) it's your life too. Best wishes to you, and good luck. 🙁
 
if she feels that way, sounds a bit fishy.
Have you looked into hiring a PI and see what she's doing with her time? (especially since she's not working??)
 
Originally posted by: elektrolokomotive
Originally posted by: CVSiN
not to sound like a dink here but why so long in bewteen visits?
I'd feel kinda abandoned also..

also depressed or not why did she not move with you after the case?
she could fly back for the appeal if she had to..
there is no need to reside there unless she just doesnt want to leave the daughter.

there is fault on both sides here compromises could have been made and should have been made.
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I flew back at every opportunity I could afford to. It's not easy supporting two separate households AND have the funds to just fly around whenever I feel like it. There were other visits, not documented above.

She will not leave that stinking town without her daughter.
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Yeh i understand man.. sounds like a no win situation... if she wont leave and could have thats the problem right there.. she needs to accept the daughter cant come right now and deal with your relationship..
it should be just as important to her if she loves you... she can still follow the appeal process and then with only 1 household to run you could afford to fly the daughter out or fly the mother there to visit.

shes being unreasonable... sorry man =(
 
Obviously, in any relationship their are sacrifices to be made. The question you have to ask yourself is: "is it worth it?". It seems that you have answered that question... and the evidence seems to support your decision. It is one thing to give and get nothing back- this is often called a sacrifice. If, however, the relationship becomes entrenched in this pattern of one partner giving and getting nothing back, this is not a sacrifice, but an abusive relationship. Whatever your wife's motivations, whether selfish or for the sake of her children, she has become abusive. "Taking advantage" is not forceful enough.

You made the right choice... but thats just my opinion.
 
Originally posted by: BigJ
Originally posted by: elektrolokomotive
Originally posted by: BigJ
What is she going to do for money?

Take half of everything you own in divorce court.

I hate to say it man, but it sounds like you were being setup when her lawyer told the two of you to get married.
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That will be something of a problem for her. There are no assets to split up. All my money has been goint to keep us both going. There's no real estate, And I have most of our houlsehold stuff out here.
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And your paycheck will continue going to her after you're divorced.

I'm sorry it came to this man, but it looks like you're going to get royally shafted here. You were a stand-up guy and it looks like you're going to get taken in the end.

Best of luck to ya.
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We'll see. Considering the length of the marriage, and the fact that she was making almost as me before she quit her job. It might be tough for her to fight.

Besides, I'm filing in WA, and she's in IL. I don't see how she can AFFORD to fight it unless she gets a job.
 
Originally posted by: Shaotai
if she feels that way, sounds a bit fishy.
Have you looked into hiring a PI and see what she's doing with her time? (especially since she's not working??)
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At this point, I don't really care. This isn't about vindictiveness. If she is, I don't really want to know. I'd prefer to think the best (such as it is), and leave it at that. It won't make any difference come divorce time, since WA is a no-fault state. Hiring a PI is a waste of money, and the possibility of more emotional baggage I don't need.
 
Originally posted by: elektrolokomotive
Originally posted by: Shaotai
if she feels that way, sounds a bit fishy.
Have you looked into hiring a PI and see what she's doing with her time? (especially since she's not working??)
Click to expand...

At this point, I don't really care. This isn't about vindictiveness. If she is, I don't really want to know. I'd prefer to think the best (such as it is), and leave it at that. It won't make any difference come divorce time, since WA is a no-fault state. Hiring a PI is a waste of money, and the possibility of more emotional baggage I don't need.
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I ask because I live in WA too... I've heard of guys getting raped by the court system in this state, so if a PI can help you in your cause, I thought I'd bring it up...

Sorry for loss... Hang in there bud...
 
When you told her she needed to think about whether she wanted you to come back or not, and she didn't immediately respond affirmatively, I think that was her "sign".
 
Kind of guessed the end result after "previous marriages". One divorce doesnt tell much, two or more does... Good luck. Keep us posted.
 
It seems like a burden. I know it's tough, but you should just leave it altogether behind you and go out and pursue a new, better life. It's the only way, you know.

You're just destroying yourself now, financially or otherwise.

 
unappretive bitch, file for divorce right away. you can only do so much as a man in this world. man i feel for ya 🙁
 
I know you've probably given this more thought than the whole of anandtech combined will ever be able to, so I'm just going to say this: Make sure you know exactly what you want to do, and that you have been able to prove to yourself, convincingly, that it is the RIGHT thing for you. Don't act out of emotion, or bitterness, or even love. And once you make that choice, you have to stand by it all the way. You'll come to a point where the future looks so bleak and lonely that you can reminisce fondly about the misery you were previously in, but stick with your chosen path- because you know what is right. Don't let her words, her impassioned pleas, her promises, make you stray from what you know is best. Something needs to change, you know full well, and it doesn't seem that she will be a sufficient catalyst. So take your OWN life into your OWN hands, and make that move.

If I were to give you an opinion based on what you've given to me (which I'm sure barely skims the surface of the circumstances and emotions involved), I'd say that you should pursue the divorce, even if just for the sole purpose of protecting yourself. A dying fire like hers is not easily reignited, especially if there are circumstances that you aren't yet aware of. Don't let her strip you of everything, once she realizes that her comfortable lifestyle (being 100% supported by an out-of-town benefactor) is in jeopardy. You've done your part and far more, and if she can't even traverse that little distance to meet you, then you know what to do.

Best of luck to you man, let us know how it goes.
 
Wow.

That sucks hard for both of you.

I hope that the deadbeat dad dies a quick (but painful) death so that things can straighten out...
 
Originally posted by: pclstyle
I know you've probably given this more thought than the whole of anandtech combined will ever be able to, so I'm just going to say this: Make sure you know exactly what you want to do, and that you have been able to prove to yourself, convincingly, that it is the RIGHT thing for you. Don't act out of emotion, or bitterness, or even love. And once you make that choice, you have to stand by it all the way. You'll come to a point where the future looks so bleak and lonely that you can reminisce fondly about the misery you were previously in, but stick with your chosen path- because you know what is right. Don't let her words, her impassioned pleas, her promises, make you stray from what you know is best. Something needs to change, you know full well, and it doesn't seem that she will be a sufficient catalyst. So take your OWN life into your OWN hands, and make that move.

If I were to give you an opinion based on what you've given to me (which I'm sure barely skims the surface of the circumstances and emotions involved), I'd say that you should pursue the divorce, even if just for the sole purpose of protecting yourself. A dying fire like hers is not easily reignited, especially if there are circumstances that you aren't yet aware of. Don't let her strip you of everything, once she realizes that her comfortable lifestyle (being 100% supported by an out-of-town benefactor) is in jeopardy. You've done your part and far more, and if she can't even traverse that little distance to meet you, then you know what to do.

Best of luck to you man, let us know how it goes.
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Best reply. Thank you. Your words are appreciated.
 
Originally posted by: Biggerhammer
Wow.

That sucks hard for both of you.

I hope that the deadbeat dad dies a quick (but painful) death so that things can straighten out...
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Sadly... This late in the game, his death would probably do nothing for the situation. Although that doesn't stop me from wishing it.
 
Originally posted by: joshsquall
Get out. She's using you for money.. and that's it. If she even has to question whether or not she wants you to move back, why would you stay with her? She doesn't love you anymore.
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^
simple as that.
 
What an unfortunate situation - I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you. 🙁

Would pursuing marriage counseling even be an option at this point?
 
My g/f read your OP and suggested just popping in on her without warning and see what's going on. That may be diffficult for you to pull off but it might be worth it. Regardless, I wish the best for you. If you ever need someone to chat with just send me an IM.

-Jason
 
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