This is long. Cliff notes at the end if you have a short attention span. I'm not really looking for advice here, this is more a cathartic for me. I'm just emotionally played out.
Back in March of 2004, the outsourcing company that I had worked at for 10years decided to lay me off for the second time. The company that I had been contracted out to offered me a career opportunity, but I would have to move 2000 miles to work at thier corporate headquarters. As the job pickings were pretty slim at the time, it sounded like a good opportunity.
My fiancee and I talked it over very carefully. She has children from previous marriages, so there was much discussion about the logistics of this relocation. She spoke to her exes, and her daughters father, who is a weasel, grudgingly agreed to allow the relocation to happen.
I moved out to Seattle in May 2004. She was going to waiti until the kids were out of school, and follow me out here. It was the perfect time, since the lease on our house expired at the same time.
A few weeks after I got out here, my fiancee was serverd with papers from her daughter's father. He was bringing a case forward to gain sole custody of his daughter. Quick background: he's an alchoholic who never had any interest in his daughters activities, was chronically late on child support (up to 8 months behind), and was living with the woman he committed adultery, and concieved a bastard child with (the reason my fiancee divorced him to begin with).
My fiancee retained a highly respected attorney in the county where this was all taking place (rural county 2 hours west of Chicago). She moved in with a friend of ours temporarily in the hopes of clearing through this quickly.
Time passes. The other side is doing everythig they can to delay. My fiancee decides to move back to the one-horse town to fight this action. it's going to trial. Our attorney strongly suggests we get married right away, instead of wainting for her to get here, since it will look better for the court. I fly in, and we get married in June of 2004. (there was a previous thread about this).
At this point, she's quit the job she had in the Chicago area, and there aren't really any decent jobs in her new location; certainly nothing in her skillset or mine. So now I'm supporting two households.
The case goes badly. By some strange twist of fate, the trial judge awards custody to the father. It was a circus. My suspicion is that the judge was paid off. In the court record of the case, the judge says: "While I can point to no particular reason to allow this to happen, I'm going to allow it". Even though he's on record as admonishing the father as an "inert" parent, and acknowledging that i would be more effective in assisting the daughter in her education. My (now) wife is out of her mind with grief. She's just lost her daughter for no good reason. We attempt motions for rehearing,etc. It's now July 2005. We know this is going to have to go to the Appellate court. The other side knows it too, and starts dragging their heels on modifications to visitation and child support, since the Appellate won't hear the case until it has jurisdiciton.
I'm doing well at my new job, get a promotion, and can afford to support both of us with the part time job my wife has found at a store one of her childhood friend's run in town. The hours are very flexible, and it allows her time to spend as much time as she can with her daughter. It's a tight squeeze every month for me, and I have absolutely no extra money at the end of every month, but we're no falling behind. I start looking for a job in her area. Using a radius of almost 100miles from her location. There's nothing to be had. She's very (understandably) very depressed. She wants me to sell everything and come running back. I tell her that I am actively looking for something, and just picking up and moving back wouldn't be in the best interests of the family, since we'd be living out the van if I came back to no job, and no unemployment. I understand her grief, and believe me, it was no picnic for me either, being so far away from her and so powerless to do anything.
the last time I flew out to see her, it was in Nov. 2005. I was able to work remotely, so I got to stay for 10 days. We parted with the anticipation that I would be home for an extended period over Christmas. Two days before I was to come back for Christmas, she calls me and tells me not to come: "it's too hard for her when I leave", is her reason.
I spend Christmas alone, for the second year in a row. Mind you, she has a large circle of friends in this town (she grew up there), and I have no one. I'm in a strange area, and can't really afford to go out. So I've led a solitary existence all this time.I send her and the kids some Christmas presents. I don't recieve even a card, or a call on Christmas for that matter. This predicates a long conversation with us, where she tells me that she "feels abandonded". I tel her (not the first time) that I have been looking for employment out there and nothing has come up. She thinks I'm just having such a great time out here that I don't really want to come back. Upshot of the conversation is that I tell her that something will eventutally come up, and when it does she'll be faced with the decision of whether she wants me to come back. I recieve another promotion at the end of the year.
My boss has been very sensitive to the developing situation, and has been following it closely. I finally have enough political clout to make things happen. Right after new years, he tells me that I can move back there and work remotely full time. I cal my wife with what I thought was happy news, and that now it's time for her to make a decision. Her response: "do I have to tell you right away?" I tell her no, but if she decides not to, then she'll be faced with other decisions. Now mind you, I'm well aware that working remotely will totally niip any further advancement in my career, and that I'd probably have about 2 years before they let me go. But I was willing to do that for her. I loved her, folks; more than I loved anyone in my life. This isn't some teen crush.
So here it is now, May. She still hasn't made a decision, and she doesn't really talk to me unless she needs something (usually money). She's completely emotionally distanced herself from me at this point, probably since the last time we were together. I had a long and fiery conversation with her about six weeks ago, and I told her that she wasn't giving me any hope; she doesn't talk to me unless she needs something, she never wants to know what's going on with me, She gives me no emotional sustenance whatsoever. The people here that know the situation think I'm just being used at this point.
I'm feeling pretty used, and used up at this point. I'm going to call her tonite and tell her that I'm filing for a divorce. I feel like a total sh!t for doing this, but I don't see where she's left me with any option. I don't know what she's going to do financially, and it eats me up, but I can't be played like this forever. I was willing to make all kinds of sacrifices, but they don't seem to matter, I wish she would just open her heart a little bit to see how much I've been through. But she won't; it's all about her and her feelings. but logically, why would she just want to throw away someone who loves her unconditionally, and is her sole means of support?
Cliffs:
- Moved 2000 miles away from my family in pursuit of career, and gainful employment
- Wife was supposed to follow with the kids, but her ex wrapped her up in court cases after verbally agreeing to allow the move.
- Wife quit her job and moved back to one-horse town to fight the case.
- I've been supporting her for almost 2 years while living apart.
- Finally got a chance to move back there and work remotely back in January, wife is still deciding whether she wants me to come back.
- I'll probably file for divorce this month.
Update:
We talked for some time. Same basic stuff that it always has been lately. (boiled down for brevity, feel free to ask for details on any point) I asked her first off she had made any kind of decision, she said she still didn't know. I reiterated my stance that her indifference was causing some major problems in my confidence; that maybe she didn't want to tell me her decision because she needed me to stay until the court issue was resolved, and when she had no further use for me, i would be dismissed. She didn't refute this.
The conversation worked its way back around to her feelings of abandonment, and how I should have just sold everything way back and moved back to her right then. I again told her the same thing I've told her in the past about this issue: I did what I did because I strongly believed that staying here while I was attempting to secure employment back in her area was in the best interests of our family. Right or wrong, I realized a while back that the decision may have been in error; but if she can't get her head around that and forgive me (for making sure she was cared for), then there really isn't anywhere to go with this.
Certainly there was much more that was said. But the salient point I tried to press home to her was that unlike her, I still loved her and always did.
I told her that i would at some point this summer drive my car back and trade out my car for the minivan, since the van isn't paid for and selling it would net no money since we're still upside down on the loan. I asked her to give me alist of the things she wants me to send back to her, and I would ship it back as soon as I could afford to do so. And I wouldn't be paying her rent next month.
I felt so empty after this conversation.
She called me at work this morning. I moved off to a phone room (we have low cubes) and called her back. She basically went off on me about what a sh!t I was being, and that I knew I was turning her out in the street with little warning, and that I'd never get her stuff back. So we start the same points again.
I went back into the indifference issue, and told her that all I was asking for was some small sign that there was still any kind of spark. I apologized yet again for my (in her view) misguided decision. I told her that I really didn't want to do this (again). I gave her every opportunity to say something that would prompt me to relent. I also promised her that her stuff would come back and reminded her that in the entire course of our relationship, I have ALWAYS done exactly what I said I would do.
It didn't happen.
I did make one small concession, and agreed to pay her rent for June. This is my Jesuit upbringing rearing its ugly head. I feel so terrible about turning her out like this, but I did everything I could.
Back in March of 2004, the outsourcing company that I had worked at for 10years decided to lay me off for the second time. The company that I had been contracted out to offered me a career opportunity, but I would have to move 2000 miles to work at thier corporate headquarters. As the job pickings were pretty slim at the time, it sounded like a good opportunity.
My fiancee and I talked it over very carefully. She has children from previous marriages, so there was much discussion about the logistics of this relocation. She spoke to her exes, and her daughters father, who is a weasel, grudgingly agreed to allow the relocation to happen.
I moved out to Seattle in May 2004. She was going to waiti until the kids were out of school, and follow me out here. It was the perfect time, since the lease on our house expired at the same time.
A few weeks after I got out here, my fiancee was serverd with papers from her daughter's father. He was bringing a case forward to gain sole custody of his daughter. Quick background: he's an alchoholic who never had any interest in his daughters activities, was chronically late on child support (up to 8 months behind), and was living with the woman he committed adultery, and concieved a bastard child with (the reason my fiancee divorced him to begin with).
My fiancee retained a highly respected attorney in the county where this was all taking place (rural county 2 hours west of Chicago). She moved in with a friend of ours temporarily in the hopes of clearing through this quickly.
Time passes. The other side is doing everythig they can to delay. My fiancee decides to move back to the one-horse town to fight this action. it's going to trial. Our attorney strongly suggests we get married right away, instead of wainting for her to get here, since it will look better for the court. I fly in, and we get married in June of 2004. (there was a previous thread about this).
At this point, she's quit the job she had in the Chicago area, and there aren't really any decent jobs in her new location; certainly nothing in her skillset or mine. So now I'm supporting two households.
The case goes badly. By some strange twist of fate, the trial judge awards custody to the father. It was a circus. My suspicion is that the judge was paid off. In the court record of the case, the judge says: "While I can point to no particular reason to allow this to happen, I'm going to allow it". Even though he's on record as admonishing the father as an "inert" parent, and acknowledging that i would be more effective in assisting the daughter in her education. My (now) wife is out of her mind with grief. She's just lost her daughter for no good reason. We attempt motions for rehearing,etc. It's now July 2005. We know this is going to have to go to the Appellate court. The other side knows it too, and starts dragging their heels on modifications to visitation and child support, since the Appellate won't hear the case until it has jurisdiciton.
I'm doing well at my new job, get a promotion, and can afford to support both of us with the part time job my wife has found at a store one of her childhood friend's run in town. The hours are very flexible, and it allows her time to spend as much time as she can with her daughter. It's a tight squeeze every month for me, and I have absolutely no extra money at the end of every month, but we're no falling behind. I start looking for a job in her area. Using a radius of almost 100miles from her location. There's nothing to be had. She's very (understandably) very depressed. She wants me to sell everything and come running back. I tell her that I am actively looking for something, and just picking up and moving back wouldn't be in the best interests of the family, since we'd be living out the van if I came back to no job, and no unemployment. I understand her grief, and believe me, it was no picnic for me either, being so far away from her and so powerless to do anything.
the last time I flew out to see her, it was in Nov. 2005. I was able to work remotely, so I got to stay for 10 days. We parted with the anticipation that I would be home for an extended period over Christmas. Two days before I was to come back for Christmas, she calls me and tells me not to come: "it's too hard for her when I leave", is her reason.
I spend Christmas alone, for the second year in a row. Mind you, she has a large circle of friends in this town (she grew up there), and I have no one. I'm in a strange area, and can't really afford to go out. So I've led a solitary existence all this time.I send her and the kids some Christmas presents. I don't recieve even a card, or a call on Christmas for that matter. This predicates a long conversation with us, where she tells me that she "feels abandonded". I tel her (not the first time) that I have been looking for employment out there and nothing has come up. She thinks I'm just having such a great time out here that I don't really want to come back. Upshot of the conversation is that I tell her that something will eventutally come up, and when it does she'll be faced with the decision of whether she wants me to come back. I recieve another promotion at the end of the year.
My boss has been very sensitive to the developing situation, and has been following it closely. I finally have enough political clout to make things happen. Right after new years, he tells me that I can move back there and work remotely full time. I cal my wife with what I thought was happy news, and that now it's time for her to make a decision. Her response: "do I have to tell you right away?" I tell her no, but if she decides not to, then she'll be faced with other decisions. Now mind you, I'm well aware that working remotely will totally niip any further advancement in my career, and that I'd probably have about 2 years before they let me go. But I was willing to do that for her. I loved her, folks; more than I loved anyone in my life. This isn't some teen crush.
So here it is now, May. She still hasn't made a decision, and she doesn't really talk to me unless she needs something (usually money). She's completely emotionally distanced herself from me at this point, probably since the last time we were together. I had a long and fiery conversation with her about six weeks ago, and I told her that she wasn't giving me any hope; she doesn't talk to me unless she needs something, she never wants to know what's going on with me, She gives me no emotional sustenance whatsoever. The people here that know the situation think I'm just being used at this point.
I'm feeling pretty used, and used up at this point. I'm going to call her tonite and tell her that I'm filing for a divorce. I feel like a total sh!t for doing this, but I don't see where she's left me with any option. I don't know what she's going to do financially, and it eats me up, but I can't be played like this forever. I was willing to make all kinds of sacrifices, but they don't seem to matter, I wish she would just open her heart a little bit to see how much I've been through. But she won't; it's all about her and her feelings. but logically, why would she just want to throw away someone who loves her unconditionally, and is her sole means of support?
Cliffs:
- Moved 2000 miles away from my family in pursuit of career, and gainful employment
- Wife was supposed to follow with the kids, but her ex wrapped her up in court cases after verbally agreeing to allow the move.
- Wife quit her job and moved back to one-horse town to fight the case.
- I've been supporting her for almost 2 years while living apart.
- Finally got a chance to move back there and work remotely back in January, wife is still deciding whether she wants me to come back.
- I'll probably file for divorce this month.
Update:
We talked for some time. Same basic stuff that it always has been lately. (boiled down for brevity, feel free to ask for details on any point) I asked her first off she had made any kind of decision, she said she still didn't know. I reiterated my stance that her indifference was causing some major problems in my confidence; that maybe she didn't want to tell me her decision because she needed me to stay until the court issue was resolved, and when she had no further use for me, i would be dismissed. She didn't refute this.
The conversation worked its way back around to her feelings of abandonment, and how I should have just sold everything way back and moved back to her right then. I again told her the same thing I've told her in the past about this issue: I did what I did because I strongly believed that staying here while I was attempting to secure employment back in her area was in the best interests of our family. Right or wrong, I realized a while back that the decision may have been in error; but if she can't get her head around that and forgive me (for making sure she was cared for), then there really isn't anywhere to go with this.
Certainly there was much more that was said. But the salient point I tried to press home to her was that unlike her, I still loved her and always did.
I told her that i would at some point this summer drive my car back and trade out my car for the minivan, since the van isn't paid for and selling it would net no money since we're still upside down on the loan. I asked her to give me alist of the things she wants me to send back to her, and I would ship it back as soon as I could afford to do so. And I wouldn't be paying her rent next month.
I felt so empty after this conversation.
She called me at work this morning. I moved off to a phone room (we have low cubes) and called her back. She basically went off on me about what a sh!t I was being, and that I knew I was turning her out in the street with little warning, and that I'd never get her stuff back. So we start the same points again.
I went back into the indifference issue, and told her that all I was asking for was some small sign that there was still any kind of spark. I apologized yet again for my (in her view) misguided decision. I told her that I really didn't want to do this (again). I gave her every opportunity to say something that would prompt me to relent. I also promised her that her stuff would come back and reminded her that in the entire course of our relationship, I have ALWAYS done exactly what I said I would do.
It didn't happen.
I did make one small concession, and agreed to pay her rent for June. This is my Jesuit upbringing rearing its ugly head. I feel so terrible about turning her out like this, but I did everything I could.
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