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I need help - I hope I am making the right decision
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zephyrprime
Diamond Member
You guys are being too hard on the chick. Did you even read the OP? The OP said that he chose not be there for her which started this whole sordid affair. Here's my take on it:
1. girlfriend moves away to college thus setting up a classic breakup scenario
2. inevitable relationship problems ensue. Girlfriend may have cheated on OP
3. OP says it's time for a break. (Just like Rachel from "Friends"). Girlfriend declines.
4. Girlfriend starts cheating.
What does anyone you expect to happen in the above situation? Offering a break is just a wuss way of breaking up.
The girlfriend was probably cheating on the OP at stage 2 which was her biggest sin in this but what was the OP doing with his equivacating?
Anyway, long distance relationships don't work. The only way the relationship could possibly work is if the OP moved to be with his girlfriend but it's likely that the relationship is already too poisoned.
1. girlfriend moves away to college thus setting up a classic breakup scenario
2. inevitable relationship problems ensue. Girlfriend may have cheated on OP
3. OP says it's time for a break. (Just like Rachel from "Friends"). Girlfriend declines.
4. Girlfriend starts cheating.
What does anyone you expect to happen in the above situation? Offering a break is just a wuss way of breaking up.
The girlfriend was probably cheating on the OP at stage 2 which was her biggest sin in this but what was the OP doing with his equivacating?
Anyway, long distance relationships don't work. The only way the relationship could possibly work is if the OP moved to be with his girlfriend but it's likely that the relationship is already too poisoned.
Bud,
I think you should hold on.She is in a difficult situation.Put yourself in her shoes, there must be feelings of guilt and discomfort for her,also it must be pretty difficult for her to push the other guy away.Human relationships are not that easy,Im a guy but I can understand the difficult situation she must be in. Give her sometime and dont put too much pressure on her. Talk to her, be patient for a few months dammit!! You have been together for long, dont freakin screw it up now.If you are not ready to handle this, you cannot handle similiar issues in the future .Tell her that you would do anything to make up, ask her if she wants you, also, plead with her to freakin let go if she doesnt want you, but on the side you should give it your all in re-assuring her that you love her completely, you forgive her(dont say forgive ..say its ok) and that you are going to be a better guy. Like someone suggested, plan things around her, if she means so much to you, move closer to her, maybe not now but in the future she will appreciate what you did for her. trust your freakin gut, if it is meant to fail it will fail, dont give up without a fight . Be patient.Don't be childish and insecure, I was in a position similiar to this, bud certain things are better off hidden, cos they dont have any significance when hidden but take a life of their own when they come out, your mind always loves to build depressing scenarios when faced with the facts that u dont like, facts that can be brushed off normally but not when you are depressed. Again I say,Put yourself in her shoes, be patient, you say your were a bad boyfriend and were not there for her, Use that as a reason for being patient with her, you owe this situation some patience.People can sometimes be needy for love.I think this is what this whole situation is about, she wanted some care and attention, you were not there, hence got attracted to someone who did care. Perfectly human emotion. I dont think she is playing you, I think it is a difficult situation for her. Don't Push her.
Best of Luck Buddy.
I think you should hold on.She is in a difficult situation.Put yourself in her shoes, there must be feelings of guilt and discomfort for her,also it must be pretty difficult for her to push the other guy away.Human relationships are not that easy,Im a guy but I can understand the difficult situation she must be in. Give her sometime and dont put too much pressure on her. Talk to her, be patient for a few months dammit!! You have been together for long, dont freakin screw it up now.If you are not ready to handle this, you cannot handle similiar issues in the future .Tell her that you would do anything to make up, ask her if she wants you, also, plead with her to freakin let go if she doesnt want you, but on the side you should give it your all in re-assuring her that you love her completely, you forgive her(dont say forgive ..say its ok) and that you are going to be a better guy. Like someone suggested, plan things around her, if she means so much to you, move closer to her, maybe not now but in the future she will appreciate what you did for her. trust your freakin gut, if it is meant to fail it will fail, dont give up without a fight . Be patient.Don't be childish and insecure, I was in a position similiar to this, bud certain things are better off hidden, cos they dont have any significance when hidden but take a life of their own when they come out, your mind always loves to build depressing scenarios when faced with the facts that u dont like, facts that can be brushed off normally but not when you are depressed. Again I say,Put yourself in her shoes, be patient, you say your were a bad boyfriend and were not there for her, Use that as a reason for being patient with her, you owe this situation some patience.People can sometimes be needy for love.I think this is what this whole situation is about, she wanted some care and attention, you were not there, hence got attracted to someone who did care. Perfectly human emotion. I dont think she is playing you, I think it is a difficult situation for her. Don't Push her.
Best of Luck Buddy.
SP33Demon
Lifer
I was sorta in the same situation with a cheating g/f in a LD relationship.
Here's what you do:
1) Make the decision to break up with her.
2) Tell her you want to see her again to talk, that you miss her, blah blah blah.
3) Travel to see her, take her out to dinner, and get her plastered.
4) Do her in the ....
5) Break up with her, and tell the other guy about ITB.
6) Get rebound girl and have fun as a young single guy.
Here's what you do:
1) Make the decision to break up with her.
2) Tell her you want to see her again to talk, that you miss her, blah blah blah.
3) Travel to see her, take her out to dinner, and get her plastered.
4) Do her in the ....
5) Break up with her, and tell the other guy about ITB.
6) Get rebound girl and have fun as a young single guy.
Buck Armstrong
Platinum Member
Your faults? You get lied to and cheated on, and then get a call from the other man at 4 AM, and you're nice and forgiving to both of them? Sure, be nice and forgiving while you're dumping her ass, not while you're telling both of them it's YOUR fault that they hooked up behind your back.
Bottom line: she's still gonna be there with him, and you're here alone, and you don't think anything else will happen, and/or that the mere thought won't drive you crazy and make you act ridiculous? You know better than that. You'll be miserable, calling to see where she is in the middle of the night, asking her stupid questions, implying, accusing, and so on. You'll become that guy. She did it once and learned that you're a pushover, and that you'll even take the blame yourself for something she did wrong. If you don't respect yourself, you won't be happy with her...So just break it off.
Just my opinion.
Buck Armstrong
Platinum Member
Oh, it doesn't sound cold enough IMO. It DOES mean that she failed. And don't think that when you're married and half your stuff (and maybe your kid) is on the line, she won't "FAIL" again. So count yourself lucky you learned who she really is BEFORE you got the law involved.
You don't marry someone you can't trust, and she's proven to be that someone. It might hurt now, but you'll be glad it happened when you're laying next to a better woman...
Buck Armstrong
Platinum Member
AND she didn't even tell the truth! The Other Man (TM) did! She lied right up to the moment she was uncovered, and only came clean when the facts were already on the table and she couldn't lie anymore. Next time there may be lawyers, mortgages, and children involved, and if you think you feel bad now, imagine utter financial ruin thrown into the bargain. Get out.
Well, where to begin...
First of all, your feelings are understandable, but you've got to be objective enough to see that they are likely heavily influenced by raw emotional distress. Yes, you probably love her. But I'm also not exactly sure whether your love, in its current state, is the type that can make a long-distance relationship work. The key components to long-distance are patience, a hell of a lot of dedication, and even more trust. You seem to be lacking in all 3. To put it bluntly, it seems like you're very overprotective, jealous, and distrustful of your girlfriend. Sure, you gave her time and opportunity to "win your trust", per se, but I think that was more just a facade to cover up your real intentions to keep her locked down to you. I'm not saying this is some obscene, unheard-of obsession, but it's also not particularly healthy if you can't see it for what it is.
You had an intimate relationship with a girl, and suddenly you found yourself on strained terms (long-distance, fighting). You agree to try to work it out, then you discover that she is in fact going behind your back, seeing another guy. Swallowing your pride, (and likely some of his fluids when you kiss her <-- sorry, couldn't help it) you "forgive" her, and give her the opportunity to "come back to you". It doesn't get much more cliche than this. And the outcome is almost always the same. Try to view it from a different perspective. Your once-girl, enjoying herself with some company on the side, has a devoted puppy begging for attention. Probably a lot of tears involved, cute stories to reminisce about, etc. Being a girl at the prime of her youth (sorry, here it comes), she has no issue with having a relationship with 2 guys, since such an arrangement fulfills her both in the short and long-term. She already knows that you won't "give up on her". How many threats and pleas have you made of this nature? How many have you actually gone through with? In the end, you're still the one begging for her to come back to you, and she is the one responding almost condescendingly- all the while continuing to deceive you, pursuing this relationship with this other guy.
Now, I have been you, and I have been that other guy. The former is misery at it's finest, while the latter is almost pleasurable at times. He has nothing to lose. What are you going to do, kill him? Don't make me laugh. He is probably amusing the hell out of himself, playing the saint who has befriended the ex-boyfriend by being open and honest about the truth- a truth that costs and means nothing to him. If anything, it benefits him by forcing your ex girlfriend to acknolwedge what you know, putting the two of you on even worse terms, and likely even farther from reconciliation. He takes a step up in her eyes as well, having extended his hand to you in "friendship". And you lose whatever dignity you have left in her eyes, having grasped feebly at that hand, anything, trying to maintain some type of contact with her.
Yes, you can toss these words aside with disdain. You can say, "we're different, the love we have is unique and beyond comprehension". You can view your situation as a novelty among the billions of human relationships that have formed and broken through generations over. But you would be wrong. How many countless others have experienced exactly the same circumstances, the same feelings, the same desperation? Learn a little from the past, and stand on your own feet. Don't be the coward that flails at a fading past, not even quite sure what he is fighting so hard for.
In the end, just read this: Walk away with your pride intact. It's all you will have left. All the advice, all the sympathetic nods and looks that friends and acquaintences will give you, the tears your ex might shed for you- all that fades. In 6 months, the only one taht will remember your pain is yourself. Even she will no longer care for your stories of what was and what could of been. 6 months will easily become 2 months, especially if you play the annoying boyfriend who continues to press her for any type of emotion - anger, sadness, whatever; that might help you to convince youself that she still, in some way, cares. Because even if she does now, she eventually will not. So please, move on with your life, gather up what's left of your emotions and learn from your past, become stronger than ever, and discover the one that really can accept your love at it's fullest, and return it wholeheartedly.
Or wallow forever in desperation, and become the joke that she and her new lover refuse to let go, every night before they fall asleep in each other's arms.
Either way, good luck.
First of all, your feelings are understandable, but you've got to be objective enough to see that they are likely heavily influenced by raw emotional distress. Yes, you probably love her. But I'm also not exactly sure whether your love, in its current state, is the type that can make a long-distance relationship work. The key components to long-distance are patience, a hell of a lot of dedication, and even more trust. You seem to be lacking in all 3. To put it bluntly, it seems like you're very overprotective, jealous, and distrustful of your girlfriend. Sure, you gave her time and opportunity to "win your trust", per se, but I think that was more just a facade to cover up your real intentions to keep her locked down to you. I'm not saying this is some obscene, unheard-of obsession, but it's also not particularly healthy if you can't see it for what it is.
You had an intimate relationship with a girl, and suddenly you found yourself on strained terms (long-distance, fighting). You agree to try to work it out, then you discover that she is in fact going behind your back, seeing another guy. Swallowing your pride, (and likely some of his fluids when you kiss her <-- sorry, couldn't help it) you "forgive" her, and give her the opportunity to "come back to you". It doesn't get much more cliche than this. And the outcome is almost always the same. Try to view it from a different perspective. Your once-girl, enjoying herself with some company on the side, has a devoted puppy begging for attention. Probably a lot of tears involved, cute stories to reminisce about, etc. Being a girl at the prime of her youth (sorry, here it comes), she has no issue with having a relationship with 2 guys, since such an arrangement fulfills her both in the short and long-term. She already knows that you won't "give up on her". How many threats and pleas have you made of this nature? How many have you actually gone through with? In the end, you're still the one begging for her to come back to you, and she is the one responding almost condescendingly- all the while continuing to deceive you, pursuing this relationship with this other guy.
Now, I have been you, and I have been that other guy. The former is misery at it's finest, while the latter is almost pleasurable at times. He has nothing to lose. What are you going to do, kill him? Don't make me laugh. He is probably amusing the hell out of himself, playing the saint who has befriended the ex-boyfriend by being open and honest about the truth- a truth that costs and means nothing to him. If anything, it benefits him by forcing your ex girlfriend to acknolwedge what you know, putting the two of you on even worse terms, and likely even farther from reconciliation. He takes a step up in her eyes as well, having extended his hand to you in "friendship". And you lose whatever dignity you have left in her eyes, having grasped feebly at that hand, anything, trying to maintain some type of contact with her.
Yes, you can toss these words aside with disdain. You can say, "we're different, the love we have is unique and beyond comprehension". You can view your situation as a novelty among the billions of human relationships that have formed and broken through generations over. But you would be wrong. How many countless others have experienced exactly the same circumstances, the same feelings, the same desperation? Learn a little from the past, and stand on your own feet. Don't be the coward that flails at a fading past, not even quite sure what he is fighting so hard for.
In the end, just read this: Walk away with your pride intact. It's all you will have left. All the advice, all the sympathetic nods and looks that friends and acquaintences will give you, the tears your ex might shed for you- all that fades. In 6 months, the only one taht will remember your pain is yourself. Even she will no longer care for your stories of what was and what could of been. 6 months will easily become 2 months, especially if you play the annoying boyfriend who continues to press her for any type of emotion - anger, sadness, whatever; that might help you to convince youself that she still, in some way, cares. Because even if she does now, she eventually will not. So please, move on with your life, gather up what's left of your emotions and learn from your past, become stronger than ever, and discover the one that really can accept your love at it's fullest, and return it wholeheartedly.
Or wallow forever in desperation, and become the joke that she and her new lover refuse to let go, every night before they fall asleep in each other's arms.
Either way, good luck.
Cirrhosis. I know what you are going through and its not easy to accepts somethign thats right there punching you in the nose. You just need to cold turkey this girl, she doesn't deserve someone like you. Cut her off, stop answering calls from that area code and don't respond to emails. Infact don't read them. I suggest you go out and meet someone, as hard as it seem it will only help. You are letting this control your life. Serriously, stop. Just go out and hang out with friends it will help you keep your mind of her.
PS: once a cheater always a cheater. Keep that in mind.
PS: once a cheater always a cheater. Keep that in mind.
Realistic, I'd say.
Break up with her. There will always be tough times, and cheating isn't the way to go about dealing with them. I really can't see your relationship ever being healthy again after this. Not only did she cheat on you, but she also lied about it and continued the relationship with the other guy. Do yourself a favor and break it off. It'll hurt for awhile, but in the long run, you'll probably be happier.
Sing4theKing
Junior Member
I have carefully read everyone's replies to your problem, and I know that as people giving advice, it's easier for us to tell you what to do since we have no emotions invested in the situation. However, one thing remains: it's important to forgive her, but by the same token forgiving doesn't mean that you should get back together. I had a friend tell me one time that forgiving is one thing, but forgetting is something completely different. If you were to try to forget that this ever happened, it wouldn't work. There would always be mistrust in the back of your mind, and to me the most important thing in a relationship next to love is trust. Mistrust will destroy any relationship. I have seen it in my own relationships, and I know from experience that trust is a hard thing to regain.
BTW, everything that has happened is not your fault. People grow apart because of distance and other circumstances.
Bottom line? You need to do what you think is best, but also keep in mind your future with her if you stay together.
BTW, everything that has happened is not your fault. People grow apart because of distance and other circumstances.
Bottom line? You need to do what you think is best, but also keep in mind your future with her if you stay together.
My guess is that the other guy is very insecure about you, wouldnt be insecure unless he knows that 'your' girl still has feelings for you.Guy is trying to latch on to her, possible, she must be someone special. My gut says you should hold on but be prepared for the worst. It is OK if she shagged him also.F^%$in someone when needy and insecure is something, loving someone is another thing. Quit thinking conventional.Be cool, this is my opinion, what the others say could be true but all of show the girl in poor light,look at her favorably for sometime.give it three months. cheatin is rarely a habit for women, this case looks like she was insecure and alone...
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