Help save my relationship!

[Scarpozzi]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
Another good book is "He Said, She Said". This book that was suggested for me and the fiance to help us through the rough times (which we haven't had yet)... It describes the 5 top needs of guys and girls and spells out what you need to focus on. Basically for guys the number 1 need is sex. For girls, it's affection. (sometimes non-sexual) I've been impressed with this book and it does have some religious sections, I believe....but the content is worth milling through it.

do both spouses need to read the book or can one read it and discuss it with the other one? (sorry for the dumb question 😱 )

Either, or. I think if even one of the spouces understands the way things work, they can educate the other and speak in a language that both can understand. It's when you have the situation where one isn't happy and the other doesn't want to hear it that you have problems. If things aren't absolutely perfect, you can always gain by trying to figure out what the other wants. It's called communication. With a book, it's easy to point to a page and say, "this is how I feel sometimes"....and the other person won't feel so intimidated because it's written down by someone else. 😛

 

[Lazy8s]

Originally posted by: Kinnetic
Sometimes I wonder where my effort stops and hers begins. We're both in this relationship and we both feel like these are times where we should both be trying harder. But, honestly, it's really only been me doing anything extraordinary.

She deserves all the attention and affection i can give her, but I also have to feel like it's being appreciated.

Should I say something or should I stop being a baby and let her enjoy the treatment she is getting, because again, she does deserve it.

I think that is a key ingredient there. The girl I dated longest in highschool was great but I put in 110% and she took 110%. Took over a year for me to figure it out. One day in the car I told her how I felt and she said "I'm a great person, I think I deserve to be treated like a princess. You can't have your cake and eat it too Bill." So I pulled over in the church parking lot we were driving past and said. "Well Mary, the cake tastes like ******. I always liked ice cream. Now get the hell out of my car." She started crying and I kept telling her to get out. She finally did and I pulled out and called her dad on the way home to tell him where to pick her up. Best part is her dad said he couldn't figure out how I stuck around so long and never once got upset with me.

Now, I don't know your g/f but before you decide she's not trying ask yourself if maybe she's just trying the wrong way as well. Perhaps in her mind she is trying by cooking, cleaning, washing your clothes. To you it may not be trying, but to her it might be everything she thinks you want.

Also, thx for the other book reccomendation as well. I'm going to have to read both.

 

[archcommus]

I, too, made the mistake when I was in a long-term relationship of ceasing to do the little things. It was the first time I had ever been in one and once we were pretty set in stone, I felt like "me and her" were guaranteed. Why bother buying flowers, or gifts, or writing her a love note? She knows I love her, it's fine.

DON'T EVER ASSUME THAT. All relationships need care to grow and sustain.

 

[Scarpozzi]

Originally posted by: Lazy8s

Originally posted by: Kinnetic
Sometimes I wonder where my effort stops and hers begins. We're both in this relationship and we both feel like these are times where we should both be trying harder. But, honestly, it's really only been me doing anything extraordinary.

She deserves all the attention and affection i can give her, but I also have to feel like it's being appreciated.

Should I say something or should I stop being a baby and let her enjoy the treatment she is getting, because again, she does deserve it.

I think that is a key ingredient there. The girl I dated longest in highschool was great but I put in 110% and she took 110%. Took over a year for me to figure it out. One day in the car I told her how I felt and she said "I'm a great person, I think I deserve to be treated like a princess. You can't have your cake and eat it too Bill." So I pulled over in the church parking lot we were driving past and said. "Well Mary, the cake tastes like ******. I always liked ice cream. Now get the hell out of my car." She started crying and I kept telling her to get out. She finally did and I pulled out and called her dad on the way home to tell him where to pick her up. Best part is her dad said he couldn't figure out how I stuck around so long and never once got upset with me.

Now, I don't know your g/f but before you decide she's not trying ask yourself if maybe she's just trying the wrong way as well. Perhaps in her mind she is trying by cooking, cleaning, washing your clothes. To you it may not be trying, but to her it might be everything she thinks you want.

Also, thx for the other book reccomendation as well. I'm going to have to read both.

Awesome story. 😀

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: archcommus
I, too, made the mistake when I was in a long-term relationship of ceasing to do the little things. It was the first time I had ever been in one and once we were pretty set in stone, I felt like "me and her" were guaranteed. Why bother buying flowers, or gifts, or writing her a love note? She knows I love her, it's fine.

DON'T EVER ASSUME THAT. All relationships need care to grow and sustain.

YOU ARE CORRECT!

 

[buck]

Ya, this happened in my relationship as well.
I punched her in the ovary, she shaped up after that.

 

[bennylong]

Move on dude. Cut your lost and don't make it any worse by getting married and compound the mistake. Life goes on

 

[bennylong]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
Another good book is "He Said, She Said". This book that was suggested for me and the fiance to help us through the rough times (which we haven't had yet)... It describes the 5 top needs of guys and girls and spells out what you need to focus on. Basically for guys the number 1 need is sex. For girls, it's affection. (sometimes non-sexual) I've been impressed with this book and it does have some religious sections, I believe....but the content is worth milling through it.

do both spouses need to read the book or can one read it and discuss it with the other one? (sorry for the dumb question 😱 )

Affection? What do they mean by that? Because of guys, affection is sex!

 

[pinion9]

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
For girls, it's affection. (sometimes non-sexual)

Umm...I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that.... Non-sexual affection? I am unaware such a thing existed. Interesting. Does my wife know about this so-called sexless affection?

 

[bennylong]

Originally posted by: pinion9

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
For girls, it's affection. (sometimes non-sexual)

Umm...I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that.... Non-sexual affection? I am unaware such a thing existed. Interesting. Does my wife know about this so-called sexless affection?

Yea, I don't understand this either. Some female will need to elaborate. Sex is affection for the men!

 

[Scarpozzi]

I was baffled by this...I think affection is basically telling her that she's beautiful and hand-holding, etc... Stuff that makes her feel loved without jumping her bones. Kissing is sexual, but the point is that you shouldn't have to kiss to show how you feel...get it?

Also, cook some lasagna and have a candle-lit dinner with a nice red wine, caesar salad, and home made bread.... It's not that hard to make all that stuff...just get recipes off the net and follow directions. 😛

I'm with you guys, it's definitely a stretch and hard for me to fathom, but I certainly think she's worth it so I'll put whatever efforts I need to into the relationship.

 

[Miramonti]

Originally posted by: Kinnetic
I was hoping some of you who also have committed relationships or who may just have great ideas might be able to help.

I've been with my girlfriend for five years and we've hit a pretty rough patch. Not only am I doing everything I can to keep this relationship going, I am doing everything I can to make her feel special.

So, I vowed to do one extra nice thing for her everyday until it would prove that she is the most important thing in my life. But it has now been 18 days and I'm running out of ideas.

How do you keep your S/O's feeling special after five years?

If after 18 days you don't think she feels convinced, then imo she probably has a lot more on her mind than wondering where you are at. Also, letting someone know how you feel about them and making them feel special is a race run over time, and not a sprint. She's had plenty of time to see what you're made of, and a 'bust your @ss' short-term effort is just that - short term.

Just a tip, make sure you give what touches her and makes her feel special, not what touches you and makes you feel special by giving.

 

[j00fek]

Originally posted by: Aflac
If she no longer has interest in you, it's pointless to try and keep up the relationship.

i dont thik anyone can give a better answer

 

[Lazy8s]

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi

Originally posted by: Lazy8s

Originally posted by: Kinnetic
Sometimes I wonder where my effort stops and hers begins. We're both in this relationship and we both feel like these are times where we should both be trying harder. But, honestly, it's really only been me doing anything extraordinary.

She deserves all the attention and affection i can give her, but I also have to feel like it's being appreciated.

Should I say something or should I stop being a baby and let her enjoy the treatment she is getting, because again, she does deserve it.

I think that is a key ingredient there. The girl I dated longest in highschool was great but I put in 110% and she took 110%. Took over a year for me to figure it out. One day in the car I told her how I felt and she said "I'm a great person, I think I deserve to be treated like a princess. You can't have your cake and eat it too Bill." So I pulled over in the church parking lot we were driving past and said. "Well Mary, the cake tastes like ******. I always liked ice cream. Now get the hell out of my car." She started crying and I kept telling her to get out. She finally did and I pulled out and called her dad on the way home to tell him where to pick her up. Best part is her dad said he couldn't figure out how I stuck around so long and never once got upset with me.

Now, I don't know your g/f but before you decide she's not trying ask yourself if maybe she's just trying the wrong way as well. Perhaps in her mind she is trying by cooking, cleaning, washing your clothes. To you it may not be trying, but to her it might be everything she thinks you want.

Also, thx for the other book reccomendation as well. I'm going to have to read both.

Awesome story. 😀

Yeah now that I look back on it makes me look like a badass except for the fact that I was a groveling slave to firm breasts for so long. I just snapped when she told me she knew I was doing all the work and she thought I needed to.

Anyways, the point was tell her how you feel and make certain she doesn't think she deserves for you to do all the work because she doesn't.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: Aflac
If she no longer has interest in you, it's pointless to try and keep up the relationship.

Pretty much. You should talk it out with her first and see if that is really what she wants.

Exactly. Stop trying to second guess her motives. Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. I wouldn't just propose out of the blue like some people have suggested or you'll likely be right back in this situation within a couple years except now you'll be married and possibly have kids on the way.

Talk to her, be open and honest with her and then decide what you both want and go from there.

 

[lightweight]

Originally posted by: Aflac
If she no longer has interest in you, it's pointless to try and keep up the relationship.

Love isn't an emotion, it's an action. To rekindle things in your relationship, simply love her. Appreciate her, and turn back to the small things. Don't try to hard to impress her or put on a show for her, but just be a solid piece in her life. If she doesn't reciprocate, then maybe you should suggest it to her. Tell her that you feel like she should keep up her end of the bargain if she wants to make things work.

 

[Kinnetic]

To be honest with you, after 18 days of this I think she is just basking in it.

It's been a while since I've really shown how I felt. I'm not very good at expressing how I feel and for a long time, she planned and decided a lot of the things we did, even though those things were stuff I wanted to do anyway. Like going to movies, where to go on camping trips, etc.

I think she is just letting me prove myself all over again and really, i like it. There is nothing else in the world that gets me more motivated than a challenge. And I know she doesn't want to go anywhere. I know she loves being part of this relationship. i've have just been giving her great reasons of why she already feels that way about us.

It's my turn to show how I feel, it's my turn in the game, it's my turn to grow some balls and be the man she fell in love with 5 years ago.

I could very easily pack up and walk away, we both could. But it takes a stronger person and a much more mature relationship to not hide and give up during the "lows" of a relationship. And I choose to fight for this one.

When you know she the one, there isn't anything you're not willing to do.

 

[Lazy8s]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz

Originally posted by: archcommus
I, too, made the mistake when I was in a long-term relationship of ceasing to do the little things. It was the first time I had ever been in one and once we were pretty set in stone, I felt like "me and her" were guaranteed. Why bother buying flowers, or gifts, or writing her a love note? She knows I love her, it's fine.

DON'T EVER ASSUME THAT. All relationships need care to grow and sustain.

YOU ARE CORRECT!

Excuse me for referencing Body-For-Life here, but there's a great point brought up in the book. Everything alive is either growing or dying. You never see a tree keep it's height/size for years, you never see a tree bear fruit and keep it for a couple of years. I really think it's a great point. If you aren't working to improve you're letting it go.

 

[pinion9]

😉

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
I was baffled by this...I think affection is basically telling her that she's beautiful and hand-holding, etc... Stuff that makes her feel loved without jumping her bones. Kissing is sexual, but the point is that you shouldn't have to kiss to show how you feel...get it?

Also, cook some lasagna and have a candle-lit dinner with a nice red wine, caesar salad, and home made bread.... It's not that hard to make all that stuff...just get recipes off the net and follow directions. 😛

I'm with you guys, it's definitely a stretch and hard for me to fathom, but I certainly think she's worth it so I'll put whatever efforts I need to into the relationship.

Hmmmm...and then maybe we can get some ITB "affection."
Good plan!

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
Another good book is "He Said, She Said". This book that was suggested for me and the fiance to help us through the rough times (which we haven't had yet)... It describes the 5 top needs of guys and girls and spells out what you need to focus on. Basically for guys the number 1 need is sex. For girls, it's affection. (sometimes non-sexual) I've been impressed with this book and it does have some religious sections, I believe....but the content is worth milling through it.

do both spouses need to read the book or can one read it and discuss it with the other one? (sorry for the dumb question 😱 )

Go smack iamwiz upside the head with his RC car and make him read the book. :laugh:

It isn't going to work if only one of you is trying.

 

[NaOH]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
I know that every realtionship will have really high highs and really low lows, but that is life and if you are committed to making it work and she is as well... the rough patch will be just that... temporary.

anyways, i believe the little things make the biggest difference so i make sure to do them as much as i can.

I will write little love letters of just a sentence and stick them in my hubbys wallet or pants pocket before he goes to work, or i will leave it on his computer for him to see when he comes home.

If i am at the grocery store and i see his favorite energy drink/ candy i will get it for him.

We also plan things together like vacations so we both have something to look forward to.

Good luck with everything. 🙂

Tried and true. We've gotten past some tough times but it takes love, a will to communicate and some compromises. Over 4.5 years and I couldn't be happier.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus

Originally posted by: LolaWiz

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
Another good book is "He Said, She Said". This book that was suggested for me and the fiance to help us through the rough times (which we haven't had yet)... It describes the 5 top needs of guys and girls and spells out what you need to focus on. Basically for guys the number 1 need is sex. For girls, it's affection. (sometimes non-sexual) I've been impressed with this book and it does have some religious sections, I believe....but the content is worth milling through it.

do both spouses need to read the book or can one read it and discuss it with the other one? (sorry for the dumb question 😱 )

Go smack iamwiz upside the head with his RC car and make him read the book. :laugh:

It isn't going to work if only one of you is trying.

naw! 😀
i read the "self help" books and then usually talk about it with him! We are each different and special and its been good!

 

[Miramonti]

If you really want some advice, have her register and tell us her side of the story. 😉

Half of the story is too often half of the truth.

And the fact that you have been together for 5 years and are only 22 adds a helluva lot to this issue imo that hasn't been touched on. You say you're 'not naive' and I say shens, you're only 22 and its the only serious adult relationship you've had in your life. We're all naive in our first relationship.

 

[Isla]

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. Have we hated eachother at times? YES! Have we ever regretted being married? YES! But those are fleeting emotions, just like the feelings of love and romance that always come back around again.

You have to consider what your expectations are in a relationship. How realistic are they? How realistic are hers? You have to look at boundaries, which translates to respect for each other.

Probably the best thing we have done for our relationship is A) learn to understand our own selves (which has meant psychotherapy at times, hah!) and B) learn and follow the rules of fair fighting (which we needed a marriage counselor for, hah again!).

The worst thing you can do is just assume that any relationship is just going to be good all the time or that problems will solve themselves. Good relationships that GROW with both parties take a LOT of work. The man I married has completely changed since I first met him, and that's not a problem for me... it's great, because I've changed, too! 🙂

Good luck!

 

[archcommus]

Originally posted by: jjsole
If you really want some advice, have her register and tell us her side of the story. 😉

Half of the story is too often half of the truth.

And the fact that you have been together for 5 years and are only 22 adds a helluva lot to this issue imo that hasn't been touched on. You say you're 'not naive' and I say shens, you're only 22 and its the only serious adult relationship you've had in your life. We're all naive in our first relationship.

QFT. But you'd never know it while you're in it.