Emotional Abuse

[NaOH]

That's the problem sixone, it doesn't stop...

Say you had a job, and you worked for awhile, almost everyday to show them. Then on your day off, at 9am, they call you and berate you, calling you lazy for sleeping in. Telling you to go study plus more bitching. Then reiterating what they said earlier later in the evening. Everyday.

 

[irishScott]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: irishScott
Agreed, but the choice blows. I chose to endure my family's crap for the sake of being debt free in the future. I know people who are still paying off student loans 10 years later, and I don't want their financial situation.

So you have a choice between emotional abuse or heavy future debt. Pick one.

Sounds like those are the only choices you're offering yourself. Being debt-free is easy: don't spend more than you're bringing in. You don't have to be Ben Stein to know that.

So assuming I got a job in my college town, I'd be looking at $11/hour if I was lucky. $22/hour if I was really lucky, got two jobs, and had no life given my academic choices. I've crunched the numbers. No way in hell I'd be able to pay my own way and come out debt free.

Edit: In any case, this thread isn't about me.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: irishScott

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: NaOH
I don't know, it's kind of a long shot to say someone else would give anything to be with parents who talk to you like shit anyways. But I see what Sixone's saying.

I'm assuming that if this person is college-age, with grad school in view, they must be in their early to mid-twenties?

It's kind of ironic that this person is still letting mommy and daddy pay for everything, but expects to be treated like an adult. If he/she is acting like one, and still being treated badly, that's one thing. But if he/she is acting like a kid and being treated like one, they don't really have much to bitch about.

Ummmmmm.... what?

Acting like an adult != making money. I'm still a dependent, my parents are gicing me a full ride through college (I'm saving my own money from internships/jobs/holidays for after graduation). However, I use my parents' money as efficiently as practical. ie: I bought a $270 shelf for my dorm. However, said shelf is very high quality and I fully intend to use it for the next 10 years at least.

In the meantime, I don't get drunk, I don't do any drugs of any nature, I get good grades, and in every way other than financially I am a 20 year old man and expect to be treated as such, and I will enforce/defend that right. If my parents don't like it, they're welcome to kick me out. However, they have yet to do so.

Acting like an adult = fulfilling your own financial needs, not leeching off your parents. You may act like a man, but you're still 100% dependent on your parents.

If that bargain works for all of you, great. But don't pretend that you've earned something that they paid for.

 

[NaOH]

Yeah, loans would be the only way. Especially if it's a private school. I'm not sure, but I also think you need a cosigner.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: NaOH
That's the problem sixone, it doesn't stop...

Say you had a job, and you worked for awhile, almost everyday to show them. Then on your day off, at 9am, they call you and berate you, calling you lazy for sleeping in. Telling you to go study plus more bitching. Then reiterating what they said earlier later in the evening. Everyday.

Sure it does. You tell them that you're handling your own life now, and that while you appreciate that they care, it's time for them to let you sink or swim. And then you act like that's true. It takes time to retrain them, but it can be done.

If you've invested the time, and they won't let go, it's time to let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. And then you stop accepting it - or you don't.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: irishScott

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: irishScott
Agreed, but the choice blows. I chose to endure my family's crap for the sake of being debt free in the future. I know people who are still paying off student loans 10 years later, and I don't want their financial situation.

So you have a choice between emotional abuse or heavy future debt. Pick one.

Sounds like those are the only choices you're offering yourself. Being debt-free is easy: don't spend more than you're bringing in. You don't have to be Ben Stein to know that.

So assuming I got a job in my college town, I'd be looking at $11/hour if I was lucky. $22/hour if I was really lucky, got two jobs, and had no life given my academic choices. I've crunched the numbers. No way in hell I'd be able to pay my own way and come out debt free.

Edit: In any case, this thread isn't about me.

But you'd be free of your controlling parents, if you were the person this thread IS about. If that's not worth it, then you take it and shut up. Your choice, your consequences.

 

[irishScott]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: irishScott

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: irishScott
Agreed, but the choice blows. I chose to endure my family's crap for the sake of being debt free in the future. I know people who are still paying off student loans 10 years later, and I don't want their financial situation.

So you have a choice between emotional abuse or heavy future debt. Pick one.

Sounds like those are the only choices you're offering yourself. Being debt-free is easy: don't spend more than you're bringing in. You don't have to be Ben Stein to know that.

So assuming I got a job in my college town, I'd be looking at $11/hour if I was lucky. $22/hour if I was really lucky, got two jobs, and had no life given my academic choices. I've crunched the numbers. No way in hell I'd be able to pay my own way and come out debt free.

Edit: In any case, this thread isn't about me.

But you'd be free of your controlling parents, if you were the person this thread IS about. If that's not worth it,then you take it and shut up. Your choice, your consequences.

Endure it, sure. Shut up about it? Hell no. Regardless of the practical situation, emotional abuse is wrong (understatement). There's very little the person can do depending on the situation (with respect to solving the root problem), but accepting/tolerating abuse is way out of the question. In my case I chose to stay and fight the abuse, not "take it and shut up".

 

[NaOH]

Originally posted by: sixone

Sure it does. You tell them that you're handling your own life now, and that while you appreciate that they care, it's time for them to let you sink or swim. And then you act like that's true. It takes time to retrain them, but it can be done.

If you've invested the time, and they won't let go, it's time to let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. And then you stop accepting it - or you don't.

I wish everything was as clear cut as this, but it isn't for everyone. I did that and it worked for me (although mine was more mild). But for others, after living like that for so long, they won't be able to do the confrontation or the Authority Figure would easily be able to crush their attempt due to years of belittling their self confidence.

Seriously, if it was as obvious and simple as telling them that, then I wouldn't be asking you guys.

 

[NaOH]

If someone you cared about deeply was depressed, stressed and stuck in this situation (they weren't able to talk so that their parents wouldn't verbally lay off) and FEARS leaving only to completely fail (especially if they weren't planning for this, imagine being completely cut off all of a sudden in the middle of school, that could definitely take a toll on someone that is already depressed), would telling them to suck it up or leave help? That's the obvious tough man answer right? Well, it works for some but not for everyone. Hence why i asked specifically if someone was stuck like that, what could they do..

Anyways, don't wanna turn this into some argument. Let's just say, not everyone can all of a sudden pull off the tough guy/girl lone ranger bit.

 

[irishScott]

Originally posted by: NaOH
If someone you cared about deeply was depressed, stressed and stuck in this situation (they weren't able to talk so that their parents wouldn't verbally lay off) and FEARS leaving only to completely fail (especially if they weren't planning for this, imagine being completely cut off all of a sudden in the middle of school, that could definitely take a toll on someone that is already depressed), would telling them to suck it up or leave help? That's the obvious tough man answer right? Well, it works for some but not for everyone. Hence why i asked specifically if someone was stuck like that, what could they do..

Anyways, don't wanna turn this into some argument. Let's just say, not everyone can all of a sudden pull off the tough guy/girl lone ranger bit.

Well, you can take baby steps. First thing I did was cut off some small issues with my parents. ie: Instead of telling them I was going to the gym a couple of hours in advance, I'd just go and tell them in passing as I was walking out the door.

You can build up from there. I'd include more examples of the ramping up but it's 3 am here. I'll come back to this thread tomorrow and see how it's developed. Suffice to say the situation is never hopeless.

 

[Agentbolt]

Whoever this thread is about is pathetic. Firstly, the whole idea of being "emotionally abused" is ridiculous. If this person had any balls or strength of character whatsoever, they'd either ignore the terrible, awful "abuse" they're suffering, or simply cut off the abuser. End of story. And I'm not saying that as the typical ATOT wannabe tough-guy strong and silent cowboy type.

"But...but.... they want to go to college for free!!" Screw that. Whoever this is, they would not the first, or the thousandth, or even the millionth person to go to college without their parents paying for everything. "But then they'd have to take out...LOANS!!!! Nooooo!!!" Again, do you realize the absurdity of this attitude? Fucking CUT THEM OFF ALREADY. If they simply can't stand the crushing, "abusive" treatment they are receiving while mommy and daddy pay for every single aspect of their education, then they have the choice to simply remove themselves from the situation. They're not trapped in North Korean prison. "Yeah but it's HARD to do that! Wah wah wah, etc." I don't understand this attitude where it's simply expected you should be handed a higher education and have everything be nice and simple. Life doesn't work that way. Your parents pay for your college, but are mean to you. Boo fucking hoo, stop taking their money and stop talking to them. Problem solved. Seriously, that's it. No filing through iron bars, digging tunnels, or anything like that.

Again, I shake my head and mutter about the typical ATOT response to problems (Move out! Make more money! Magically fix your life in 2 seconds!) as much as anyone here, but again, whoever this thread is referencing is truly pathetic. They want a free ride through college and refuse to put up with some controlling/obnoxious behavior to get it? Oh, the poor thing! The humanity! Tell them to grow a pair of fucking balls, stop acting 12 years old, and take even the slightest amount of personal responsibility for their own life, OP.

 

[amicold]

Originally posted by: NaOH

Originally posted by: sixone
1. Get out.
2. Get help.

If you were still in college and they were paying for everything you need to live (housing, tuition, food). Would it really be possible to get out on your own and make it? For example, you have to start working to pay for EVERYTHING.

Basically, parents have you in financial shackles.

No dude, it's called stop being a pansy and work.

 

[NaOH]

Originally posted by: amicold

Originally posted by: NaOH

Originally posted by: sixone
1. Get out.
2. Get help.

If you were still in college and they were paying for everything you need to live (housing, tuition, food). Would it really be possible to get out on your own and make it? For example, you have to start working to pay for EVERYTHING.

Basically, parents have you in financial shackles.

No dude, it's called stop being a pansy and work.

THEY ARE WORKING....wtf.....

Alright, enough computer chair JUDGING. Some of you might be happy to ditch your parents under any circumstances, and that speaks volumes. How about some people are depressed that their parents talk about them and treat them like they're pieces of shit when they're already trying their best to change that. They expect support from a family establishment but they get none, wtf is wrong about being sad about that? I can easily judge you and say you're a souless POS who thinks nothing of family (ie. just because they suck, then it's easy to leave them). Additionally, she would take loans, but the parents won't have it. If your parents kept saying you're going to fail from the start, and reiterate that you're useless then how are you going to have the mental strength to up and get out instantly into the world. I initially agreed with Sixone saying how we have a choice. Live at home, get undergrad paid off for (loan for grad which they are paying) or get out and pay for everything and lose any family establishment (all the while taking on stress from working to pay bills AND studying to get into graduate school). That is true, and they want to stay at home and just suck it up, but the parents are making living there incredibly depressing and stressful. As in can't eat, sleep, etc. Did anyone say they wanted a free ride but didn't like parents bitching? NO. They would do loans if the parents would agree. All I said was, stuck at home (probably wouldn't be sucessful getting into grad if had to all of a sudden work to pay for everything, not that they're trying to find an easy way out, getting into medical ISN'T EASY already), emotional abuse, what do do if talking to parents don't work? As in, any other mediums to relieve frustration (ie as irishscott said, counselor or something). Ways to MAYBE talk to parents (highly doubtful)..... That is all. None of this further degrading and belittling of someone who really needs support to keep going.

I hope to God you never have any friends or family that become depressed for one reason or another.
You guys are pathetic coming onto these boards just to pounce on someone you don't have the slightest clue about.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: NaOH
If someone is living under their parents and are constantly being abused emotionally (unwarranted), what course of actions can they take to better the situation? "Talking" to the abusers is not a solution.

It's your parents finally escalating the fact that you didn't get it when they hinted at you moving out.

 

[PokerGuy]

It amazes me that people want to be treated as adults, yet at the same time want financial support. Guess what, part of being an adult and being independent is being able to provide for yourself. If you are in a situation with supportive parents etc, great for you. If you don't like their rules, its simple -- be an adult and take care of yourself instead of relying on them to pay your way.

Also, the term "emotional abuse" gets tossed around all too lightly. I have no idea if it's applicable in OP's case or not, but much too often "emotional abuse" is used when it should be "parents make whiney brat follow their rules". If you are an adult (ie over 18), you have a simple choice. Put up with their rules, or get out and do whatever you want.

 

[keird]

Originally posted by: NaOH
That is all. None of this further degrading and belittling of someone who really needs support to keep going.

You guys are pathetic coming onto these boards just to pounce on someone you don't have the slightest clue about.

Some of us may have had a tougher deal in life but made the best of it, regardless of our parent's involvement. AngentBolt seems incredulous that your friend can't accept the concept of being independent of their parents. I tend to agree with Bolt. Perhaps you're too close to your friend to see the options available in the United States of America, and though I don't pretend to know the specifics, I assure you that they are there.

Has your friend looked at the U.S. Military for college tuition assistance? The Senate just passed the New G.I. Bill and the POTUS looks like he'll sign it. That's just for after service in the military. Contact a recruiter to find out details regarding a medical degree. The pay is more than any intern will get and is reasonable after Board certification. We need doctors pretty badly, there's so many opportunities it'll make your friend's head spin.

 

[Acanthus]

You start saving up for those $150 counseling sessions now.

Oh and Effexor XR is quite expensive.

 

[Chunkee]

We all have a choice.

 

[ClarkJF]

we see one of these posts about someones 15 year old girlfriend or girl that is their friend but wants to be their friend. Guys never seem to care if its another one of their guy friends getting the crap kicked out of him at home, wonder why.

 

[krunchykrome]

I'm very hesitant to believe someone who says their parents (whom they live with) are emotionally abusing them. Most of the time, it's just some whiny emo teenager.

When I was growing up, I though my dad was very emotionally abusive to me. Now, as an adult, I realize he was just tough on me so that I did well for myself.

 

[HardcoreRobot]

< 18 get the courts/police/therapist or anyone else that can help involved
> 18, gtfo already

 

[dbk]

Originally posted by: krunchykrome
I'm very hesitant to believe someone who says their parents (whom they live with) are emotionally abusing them. Most of the time, it's just some whiny emo teenager.

When I was growing up, I though my dad was very emotionally abusive to me. Now, as an adult, I realize he was just tough on me so that I did well for myself.

Yeah, and they can't really tell me what to do now cuz I'm a grown man, now (yay?).

 

[krunchykrome]

Originally posted by: dbk

Originally posted by: krunchykrome
I'm very hesitant to believe someone who says their parents (whom they live with) are emotionally abusing them. Most of the time, it's just some whiny emo teenager.

When I was growing up, I though my dad was very emotionally abusive to me. Now, as an adult, I realize he was just tough on me so that I did well for myself.

Yeah, and they can't really tell me what to do now cuz I'm a grown man, now (yay?).

what?

 

[JeffreyLebowski]

Originally posted by: NaOH
Text

Basically everything under Types of Emotional Abuse

Going by the list, it seems that's what a lot of kids go through at some point.
The parents DO make the rules, they DO decide what is right and wrong, they DO administer punishment as they see fit. If they break bones or cause bleeding then they are breaking the law. But basically if the angsty person that is in the situation wants to change things, he/she can either run away or get over it and stop acting like everything is a travesty (and stop screwing up).

The murder/suicide thing was a little premature I believe.
I thin the 1st step is to do drugs, then cut your wrists, next post about it on Myspace.
THEN you go out and kill innocents and then kill yourself.

 

[irishScott]

Originally posted by: Agentbolt
Whoever this thread is about is pathetic. Firstly, the whole idea of being "emotionally abused" is ridiculous. If this person had any balls or strength of character whatsoever, they'd either ignore the terrible, awful "abuse" they're suffering, or simply cut off the abuser. End of story. And I'm not saying that as the typical ATOT wannabe tough-guy strong and silent cowboy type.

"But...but.... they want to go to college for free!!" Screw that. Whoever this is, they would not the first, or the thousandth, or even the millionth person to go to college without their parents paying for everything. "But then they'd have to take out...LOANS!!!! Nooooo!!!" Again, do you realize the absurdity of this attitude? Fucking CUT THEM OFF ALREADY. If they simply can't stand the crushing, "abusive" treatment they are receiving while mommy and daddy pay for every single aspect of their education, then they have the choice to simply remove themselves from the situation. They're not trapped in North Korean prison. "Yeah but it's HARD to do that! Wah wah wah, etc." I don't understand this attitude where it's simply expected you should be handed a higher education and have everything be nice and simple. Life doesn't work that way. Your parents pay for your college, but are mean to you. Boo fucking hoo, stop taking their money and stop talking to them. Problem solved. Seriously, that's it. No filing through iron bars, digging tunnels, or anything like that.

Again, I shake my head and mutter about the typical ATOT response to problems (Move out! Make more money! Magically fix your life in 2 seconds!) as much as anyone here, but again, whoever this thread is referencing is truly pathetic. They want a free ride through college and refuse to put up with some controlling/obnoxious behavior to get it? Oh, the poor thing! The humanity! Tell them to grow a pair of fucking balls, stop acting 12 years old, and take even the slightest amount of personal responsibility for their own life, OP.

Hahaha. Ignorance is bliss isn't it (that goes for most of ATOT too in this case)? Let me fill you in on a few things:

1. People under emotional abuse typically don't have any balls, especially when it's their parents. It's a natural psychological reflex to listen to your parents (at that age) that must be broken, and if you're so emotionally invested in your parents' opinion, it's extremely hard to break.

2. Yes they can remove themselves from the situation, with serious and long-lasting financial debt. It may not be the norm, but getting a full ride and graduating debt free is an extremely nice thing that shouldn't be given up lightly.

3. Yes, they do have to start taking responsibility for their own life. However, they have to build up the balls to take that responsibility. That takes time.

4. "Magically fix your life in 2 seconds." If you're serious about that statement: well, I originally typed a nice witty insult, but I think I'll just reference my "ignorance is bliss" line again.