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Do you know any one in an arranged marriage?

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DCal430

Diamond Member
I am not talking about the kind were little girls are sold to older men as child brides, but ones where two parents decide that their adult children will get married.

My grandparents were married in this fashion, and so were a few of my aunts and uncles, not to mention great grandparents and grand aunts and uncles. I find these marriages are just as loving as ones were the people found each other and decided on their own to marry.

My mother was one of the first in her family to defy tradition and marry the person she fell in love with instead.
 
Nope...that's not an American tradition...and one that should not be brought to this country by immigrants. Leave that kind of backward thinking behind.
 
yes, but its more as a 'setting you up with someone' deal where you go on dates and stuff. i'd say its more like finding a partner that your parents are cool with...it gets messy when the criteria becomes money or status rather than the person themself. i'm not convinced its a proper system but it works for some people. given the divorce rates and failed marriages here, i can't convincingly say our way is better than theirs.
 
Inspector Jihad said:
yes, but its more as a 'setting you up with someone' deal where you go on dates and stuff. i'd say its more like finding a partner that your parents are cool with...it gets messy when the criteria becomes money or status rather than the person themself. i'm not convinced its a proper system but it works for some people. given the divorce rates and failed marriages here, i can't convincingly say our way is better than theirs.
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In my family it is similar, parents meet and set their children up on date to meet and talk, but their is an expectation that you will get married. You risk bringing dishonor and shame on your family if you refuse.

I can see why some think this is backwards, but I have to say none of the arranged marriages I know ended up in divorce, while around 1/2 of the traditional marriages I know did.
 
Although my mother sister ran away from home, so she could marry the person she wanted and not the man my grandmother selected. This open my grandparents heart to accept allowing the rest of their children including my mom to marry the person they wanted.
 
DCal430 said:
I can see why some think this is backwards, but I have to say none of the arranged marriages I know ended up in divorce, while around 1/2 of the traditional marriages I know did.
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What is the alternative?
Oh yeah, here is a good one: an honor killing or a gang rape....
 
I had a female Chinese friend during my undergraduate years who was supposed to be in an arranged marriage. Her father had arranged for her to go back to China once she graduated to get married to some guy.

After she graduated, she kinda disappeared. She's still secretly in contact with her mom and a few friends, but her dad thinks she ran away.
 
Leros said:
I had a female Chinese friend during my undergraduate years who was supposed to be in an arranged marriage. Her father had arranged for her to go back to China once she graduated to get married to some guy.

After she graduated, she kinda disappeared. She's still secretly in contact with her mom and a few friends, but her dad thinks she ran away.
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When my mother was young her sister ran away to avoid an arrange marriage and eloped. My grandparents then had a change of heart with arrange marriages, and they ended.
 
I am an Indian living in India so yeah, I know more than a few, LOL. Of all my cousins in my current generation (born after 1980), almost no one has had an arranged marriage. Except for this one cousin. But no man could love her. That woman is batshit crazy.

It works for some people but I think it fails as often as it succeeds. With no numbers to back my opinion up, I think there are as many unhappy marriages here as anywhere else but they don't show up in divorce statistics. The old thinking was divorce was something you only opted for after a full-on assault where someone (read: the woman) ended up in a hospital. People were (are?) OK with not having sex, not standing each other's sight, having yelling matches all the time... but happily posing for 50th anniversary photos.

Or maybe I'm just too cynical.
 
Yes, I currently have two Indian coworkers, who are in arranged marriages. Seems to me that they rarely interact with the spouse, unless for breeding purposes 😀
 
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Inspector Jihad said:
yes, but its more as a 'setting you up with someone' deal where you go on dates and stuff. i'd say its more like finding a partner that your parents are cool with...it gets messy when the criteria becomes money or status rather than the person themself. i'm not convinced its a proper system but it works for some people. given the divorce rates and failed marriages here, i can't convincingly say our way is better than theirs.
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You assume that divorce is bad. No good marriage ever ended in a divorce. If they're getting a divorce, it's because they're miserable, and the longer they wait, the more miserable they'll be. The real problem is that marriage is so idealized and divorce is so stigmatized that a large portion of couples should never have been married in the first place and stay together way longer than they should have.
 
DCal430 said:
I can see why some think this is backwards, but I have to say none of the arranged marriages I know ended up in divorce, while around 1/2 of the traditional marriages I know did.
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You answered that yourself:
You risk bringing dishonor and shame on your family if you refuse.
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People in arranged marriages won't get divorced.
 
I am sure after a few years most people in arrange marriage will fall in love. Living together for so long it is just something that happens.
 
DangerAardvark said:
You assume that divorce is bad. No good marriage ever ended in a divorce. If they're getting a divorce, it's because they're miserable, and the longer they wait, the more miserable they'll be. The real problem is that marriage is so idealized and divorce is so stigmatized that a large portion of couples should never have been married in the first place and stay together way longer than they should have.
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thats true. divorce is a good thing in an unhappy or abusive marriage. i'm still very much anti-arranged marriage and would never have one myself. hell, my parents didn't have one when they got married in the 80s. still, i feel like it works for some people either because they can't find anyone, etc.

also, most people i know aren't forced to marry who their parents pick, regardless or 'shame' or whatever else DCL was talking about.
 
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