Am I a jerk for throwing away some of the wife's stuff?

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HeXen

Diamond Member
Dec 13, 2009
7,828
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Mess with your spouses stuff at your peril. Its the sort of thing some will NEVER forget or forgive. Its disrespect, and you will eventually pay for the trespass many times over and over.

Everyone is different. I've thrown some of my wife's junk away and years later still she has no clue what was even in those boxes let alone knows they are gone.
But I throw away actual junk. Broken xmas ornaments, papers, stuff the mice have pissed on, my stepson's pokemon card collection...you know, real junk.
 

Meghan54

Lifer
Oct 18, 2009
11,676
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Family pictures, hand tools and power tools, some computer repair odds'n'ends, fabric for wife's quilting obsession, some clothing--esp. winter coats, footwear, etc., some collectibles (our Roseville pottery, old glass, my phone booth, etc.), mementos from life....all exempt from my 1 yr. without use and it's thrown away rule.

Everything else is subject to being tossed. Much too easy to become a hoarder without adhering to some sort of toss-it rule, esp. if living in a house. Apt. living makes it more difficult to hoard but not impossible.

You're just going to have to work out what works between yourself and your wife.

We did a few years ago after having to live in a true hoarder's house for a couple of years. That experience broke both of us of our "I'll keep it and fix it later" or "keep it cause I may want it a decade from now" or "but those shoes were so comfortable until they wore out.....I can get them fixed someday" mentality.
 
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Perknose

Forum Director & Omnipotent Overlord
Forum Director
Oct 9, 1999
46,525
9,838
146
Don't enable [but always]

Tell the truth and talk a lot.

OP, you've gotten a ton of good advice here, pretty much summed up above.

This is one of those times I'm proud of ATOT. :thumbsup:
 

Ichinisan

Lifer
Oct 9, 2002
28,298
1,235
136
Sounds like hoarding tendencies.

I hear these purges can be traumatic for the hoarder and the condition can get worse immediately after.
 

Ichinisan

Lifer
Oct 9, 2002
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1,235
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I haven't touched my Tama Drum Set in years either, but if I saw the wife sneaking that out on me there would be a pain of hurt coming down.

Some things are relative I guess.

I knew you intimidate your wife with threats of violence! I KNEW it!

I agree actually, I was using a fliphone still till recently.

Only reason I still am not is my wife wanted a new phone and I took her old one over.

And she shattered the screen on it on about the second day she had it, but I told her to suck it up and live with it as it's still functional.

She tried to hide it from me at first till I saw her using it and went WTF.

It's a freaking phone, I might never own a smartphone till they become mandatory for a phone someday.
Why did she try to hide it? It sounds like there is something wrong with that relationship.
Probably because we've been married 20+ years and she knew I'd call her a twit for cracking a two day old phone, after she convinced me to start using her old one so she could buy it.

You seem to be the wrong person to ask about relationship advice, obviously.
Name calling? Emotional abuse confirmed. I feel sorry for Mrs. MongGrel :(




...just giving you a hard time.
 
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Ichinisan

Lifer
Oct 9, 2002
28,298
1,235
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Everyone is different. I've thrown some of my wife's junk away and years later still she has no clue what was even in those boxes let alone knows they are gone.
But I throw away actual junk. Broken xmas ornaments, papers, stuff the mice have pissed on, my stepson's pokemon card collection...you know, real junk.
Oh boy. An actual collection with collectibles that cost money? I hope he didn't care about them or had an opportunity to sell them.
 

Pacfanweb

Lifer
Jan 2, 2000
13,149
57
91
The good news is, if she hasn't even seen the stuff (like magazines, old shoes, etc) for years, she won't even know it's gone.
 

dank69

Lifer
Oct 6, 2009
36,042
30,329
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The correct thing to do is buy your wife a bigger house with more storage, cheapskate.
 

ultimatebob

Lifer
Jul 1, 2001
25,134
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Might as well throw away your dick while your at it. :colbert:

Well... If the wifey wants a baby, he's pretty much guaranteed sex.

The OP should really try to fix his marriage problems before committing to 18 years of child support, though.
 

ultimatebob

Lifer
Jul 1, 2001
25,134
2,445
126
The correct thing to do is buy your wife a bigger house with more storage, cheapskate.

That doesn't work... When you give a hoarder more space, they'll just try harder to fill it.

Now, if you got her a 40 foot storage shed, that might buy you a few years :)
 

MongGrel

Lifer
Dec 3, 2013
38,466
3,067
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Clearly the only man here with wife experience. Everyone else suggesting I'm an asshole destined for divorce court... You guys haven't lived with a woman have you?
I'm on my third marriage, though this one is over 20 years now, so hardly.
 
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mikeymikec

Lifer
May 19, 2011
18,417
11,031
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Clearly the only man here with wife experience. Everyone else suggesting I'm an asshole destined for divorce court... You guys haven't lived with a woman have you?

I'm married and I have experience of hoarders of varying extents. I don't recall seeing anything on this thread that I totally disagree with.

Someone commented with a strategy of "buy one thing, throw two things out", I think it's a nice idea but it would require a mutual honest agreement that you both have everything you need already (and not say a mumbling bit of kind-of-assent but actually discontent which could be a desire to avert another argument).

Throw her stuff out without permission at your own risk. Seriously.

I've also seen situations where the person with the hoarding issue says/acts like that the other person has too much stuff. Combine that with throwing her stuff out, and she might want to take revenge, for example.

In case people think I'm reflecting my own problems here, no, I'm the kind of person who likes the idea that all of one's personal possessions can fit in say a car and just leave :) I've stopped buying physical books and only ebooks simply because a) we don't have enough space and b) they're a waste of space IMPO.

Hoarding is something that everyone (I'm pretty sure) does to some extent. I personally go buy the idea of "if I haven't used it in a year, it's not useful enough to keep" (with the generally acceptable exception of say a shopping bag's worth of purely personal, memory-type possessions). My weak spot in this area is my Amiga stuff. I have two (A500 and A1200), both boxed, I haven't started either in at least a year, so really I should sell them, but I'm worried that it might feel as bad as it did when I sold my electric guitar (my logic being, I don't use it really and I'll sell it to someone who makes better use of it), I realised that it was actually a very personal item. It is silly that I would have developed such an attachment to something that I never made much use of in the first place, but there it is.

As I understand it, hoarding is an issue attached to identifying value to material objects. For example, keeping a useful size empty and sturdy cardboard box might be a good idea, however, do you have room for it without losing ease of access to other things? When is it realistic to keep several empty cardboard boxes and why?

My mum keeps packaging bags like the sort that rice is sold in here in the UK, however she uses them up as quickly as she stores them (with my initial assistance she had several spare to begin with), however if someone starts keeping these bags "just in case", then "just a few more", then fails to see the need to review the stock of a "just in case" item (or keeps thinking up more "just in case" scenarios to justify hoarding them), then something has gone wrong somewhere. With people who should be classed as "hoarders", they've developed a personal attachment/value to these items (or perhaps their pride in their foresight to keep something they might need?), and that's when a relationship can go very wrong when someone else comes along and throws "personal" stuff out.
 
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MongGrel

Lifer
Dec 3, 2013
38,466
3,067
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I knew you intimidate your wife with threats of violence! I KNEW it!

...just giving you a hard time.

:p

Yeah, she's really intimidated by me all the time, why we own a horse I don't want any part of :)

She's pretty spoiled, my nickname for her is brat more or less.
 
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Ogrinz

Member
Dec 2, 2012
40
0
0
For me this thread hits home. My life growing up was somewhat destroyed by my stepfathers hoarding. He loved thrift shops, everything was just too great of a deal to pass up. A neverending supply of crap was funnelled into the house being stacked higher and deeper until the day they divorced.

Fast forward to today my mom is now a hoarder. She likes to shop for entertainment and buys misc crap for fun. She now stacks it higher and deeper on her own. Every now and then I go home and clean out so.e of the year old collection of magazines etc, but she just fills it back up. The sad part is when I last came to visit she had cleaned my room for me and put all of the stuff in hers where she couldnt even use the bed and was sleeping on the couch.

For my mother the stuff represents a memory of a chance to use it or do something with it. Shes really bad about buying books she will never read.

I know you dont want to hear this, but there is no way in hell I would ever have a kid with a hoarder. Its a actual pyschological disease and unless she gets help I would end the relationship. Good luck to you.
 

Harrod

Golden Member
Apr 3, 2010
1,900
21
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I kindof ran into a minor version of this when I got married. I had a 1400 sq ft house, with a couch, computer chair, tv stand bed and dresser in it. I'd probably say that my house was around 5% full of stuff.

Then my wifes house (1800 sq ft) was pretty much full of stuff already. One item was a large carrousel cd player from back when they first came out. I asked why she was keeping it and her response was "What if my best friends kids need it someday", these kids are 4 and 5 by the way. I ended up saying throw it out and we will buy them whatever they need when they get interested in music.

One thing I don't really get is people go out and by houses at 90-100 dollars a sq ft(in this area), and then will keep something that really should belong in a dumpster in 400 dollars worth of space.
 

ch33zw1z

Lifer
Nov 4, 2004
38,130
18,603
146
At first, being married, I'm like yes...yes your are a jerk.

Then I read your post, OP, and no....you're not a jerk. Get rid of that bullshit!
 

twinrider1

Diamond Member
Sep 28, 2003
4,096
64
91
It's not your stuff. You have no right to throw it away.
If she can't trust you to leave her stuff alone, she can't trust you period.


Besides, the stuff is just a symptom, not the disease. Get rid of that stuff and she'll replace it with new stuff.
 

Markbnj

Elite Member <br>Moderator Emeritus
Moderator
Sep 16, 2005
15,682
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www.markbetz.net
Well... If the wifey wants a baby, he's pretty much guaranteed sex.

The OP should really try to fix his marriage problems before committing to 18 years of child support, though.

Yep, guaranteed, at least two or three times. After that, hand lotion.
 

AyashiKaibutsu

Diamond Member
Jan 24, 2004
9,306
3
81
You need to come to a consensus before touching her things.... just wait till she gets into your things in vengeance.
 

Tiamat

Lifer
Nov 25, 2003
14,068
5
71
For stuff long forgotten and in poor condition, just toss it. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of mind, throw it away. The mistake is showing her what you found. Once she remembers about it, she will wanna keep it.
 

mizzou

Diamond Member
Jan 2, 2008
9,734
54
91
Serious question.

We're in a bit of a hectic situation in the house - whereby we are desperately trying to organize things better in order to get a more "livable" living situation. My first priority:

Get rid of the shit we won't miss. The problem? The wife wants to keep everything. Old shoes that have fallen apart? "I'll fix those some day!". Said shoes were in a box inside the garage for the last year.....

I'm at the point of tossing things in because I know they won't be missed. The latest? 2-3 years worth of YM / Cosmo magazines from her teenage years and boyband days. Sorry, that's no treasured memory. Never have I caught her looking at or through them... it's just been taking up shelf space.

What do you guys think? Am I an asshole? Or the only one being reasonable? Inb4 "How would you like it if..." Guess what? I would fucking love it if someone did me the favor of throwing away something I haven't used for the last 3+ years. Go ahead, you just did me a favor!



I have a really hard time believing this is a desperate situation where you must throw away someone's belongings without their consent. Sure, is there some shit of hers you see that you don't think is valid in your vision of cleanliness? Probably. But what about you? Do you really keep nothing and live a Spartan life? Or is it that your things are important and valid and her things are invalid and worthless.

If you can't convince your wife to declutter and she is ACTUALLY a clutterbug, you are going to have an extremely hard time trying to get rid of things. Clutterbugs will fight tooth and nail for something as silly as a paper bag that may or may not be worthwhile.

Do do this succesfully, you must actually convince her that such things are a nuisance and creating a problem. OR just pour water over all of them and say "Aw crap, must have a leaky roof!" :sneaky:
 

DrPizza

Administrator Elite Member Goat Whisperer
Mar 5, 2001
49,601
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www.slatebrookfarm.com
You can't organize your house without organizing your life. My suggestion - work together with your wife. Get those big storage totes. Fill the storage totes with the crap and put it in the garage. AND, set dates by which, say, the shoes have to be repaired, else the stuff in that tote gets set out to the curb. It's either fixed by xyz date, else it's tossed. Work together on a timeline, and use the reasoning that if you don't have time by such a date to do it, then it's unlikely it'll ever get done - it's just not important enough. That's what justifies throwing it out.

I disagree a little bit with that "haven't touched it in one year" - it doesn't quite apply to everything. E.g., I have a bundt pan; probably gets used once in five years. I have various tools that rarely get used; just once in a great while. I agree though, with things like magazines. Lots of people save them. No one ever looks at them years later. And, if it's something that's nostalgic enough in the magazine, it'll be online.
 
Nov 8, 2012
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The correct thing to do is buy your wife a bigger house with more storage, cheapskate.

That's what we're working on :p

The problem is I don't want 5 moving trucks and pay 3 guys 10 hours of labor (expensive, by the way) to move a bunch of worthless crap that we can just get rid of. We are working on a new house - but don't call me the cheapskate - the true cheapskates are the hoarders because they think there is value in something that is junk by your normal standards.
 
Nov 8, 2012
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At first, being married, I'm like yes...yes your are a jerk.

Then I read your post, OP, and no....you're not a jerk. Get rid of that bullshit!

Thanks - so far you seem like the only sane one here (or one of few).

Some people are taking what I said too far. I'm talking shoes where part of the leather strap to secure the foot was broken off and she said one day she would fix it. Let alone that they were worn 2-3 years already so they are already dirty in general. We are talking Teenager magazines from teenager days that have and never were looked through.

There's other stuff in the house I want to get rid of like some lousey stereo systems (she has 2 for some reason). I'm all in favor of getting us a nice surround sound system to put in the media room - but these sound systems from teenager/college years have to go. Currently they are sitting ontop of a closet. Things like that are items I'm not about to chunk on a whim. Items like that are one's I will legitimately convince to donate some day. The same goes for anything similar such as CD's, media, electronics, photo's, furniture, etc...

But paper and torn clothing related items? That's ridiculous.

Also, where do people get off with "marriage problems" because of this topic? Really? Srsly? I'm trying to clear some space in a guest room and I decided to make a thread on a common topic and I have marital problems where we throw pots and pans at each other every night or something?
 
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