.

[alembic5]

Yeah, guys don't really take hints... and we're NOT mind readers. I love suprising my wife every once in a while. The problem is... she is pretty picky about alot of things. Therefore I'm very hesitant to plan something spontaneous unless I know for a fact she likes where we're going. You need to communicate to him how you feel, and what you want. This stuff is important! If you can't communicate about these things, how are you going to communicate on much bigger issues down the road such as your views on raising children? Sometimes communication will hurt feelings... but it is ALWAYS better down the road. Best of luck to you!

 

[CVSiN]

[
thats too bad tomato.. I'm more of the type of person you are... I love the romance part of a relationship.... flowers massages champagne a suite at the local nice hotel...
but youd still have to twist this guys arm to go to a "show or a play" thats cruel and unusual torture for most guys =P
If I were you i'd just be open and talk to him about it...

 

[spacejamz]

Yeah, guys don't really take hints... and we're NOT mind readers. I love suprising my wife every once in a while. The problem is... she is pretty picky about alot of things. Therefore I'm very hesitant to plan something spontaneous unless I know for a fact she likes where we're going.

this sounds familiar...i can only be spontaneous when the wife says so...

 

[BooGiMaN]

he is not going to change, if its not in him to do these things then he isnt goign to do them

if you force him then it will become a chore and a job to do them for you...which he will begin to hate.

 

[richardycc]

surprise!!! The big surprise is no surprise!

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: DaveSimmons
What you might do is wait a little while, so it's not directly connected to the night out he just planned.

Then _without mentioning or hinting about that night_ explain what you'd like him to do from time to time. You might even do this in an email so you can be careful not to let past disappointment slip in.

We guys really can be pretty clueless, especially us CS types that spend all day focusing on problems to be solved logically. So if for example you hate carnations and he thinks you love them, expect him to completely miss year after year of subtle hints that you'd like a different kind of flower in your boquets.

Heh... more excellent advice, thanks Dave. You're right about the "CS mentality," he spends all day programming and is a VERY logical personal. I'm the emotional one, and well... sometimes it's hard to communicate, but we manage. Reading through a lot of the other replies, I understand now how important it is that I don't express anything negative about last night. I'll wait awhile before saying anything.

 

[elektrolokomotive]

Better start communicating now. 15 years of marriage down the drain, partially because of lack of communication.

 

[sixone]

This is going to sound harsh, but:

Get used to disappointment. It's a fact of life that your darling will not satisfy you 100% of the time. You need to figure out how to deal with that when it happens. That's the only power you have.

If you tell him how he should have done it, he'll be more reluctant to try again. And hey, YOU might not have had the most romantic night ever, but HE did. What's that worth?

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: chowmein
is the first YABT? my gf just finished complaining about the same issue. i'm no good at these kinds of things neither.

there's just not enough things to do. (finances permitting of course) i don't plan things very well.

note: currently munching on a tomato.

Heh, with salt? I like eating tomatos with salt.

How did you and your gf end up resolving things? How did she bring it up, and how did you feel about things? Did you both decide on any definitive action(s)?

 

[Hammer]

he made an attempt. you should be happy. be more encouraging and maybe he'll get to where you want him to be.

 

[SearchMaster]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie

Originally posted by: Tomato
You have a very good point, jaedaliu. At this point, I'm still really hoping he'll take a hint from my efforts and try to do something similar, but I've been waiting for almost a year and a half for that now. I don't want to make him angry or upset, or make him feel inadequate... I just would like a little more. I think I will talk to him about it, but want to present my feelings to him in a way that won't make him feel attacked or "not good enough."

most guys suck at hints. no offense to the guys here.. but most of them do, in stuff like this. I also read above that you know he is clueless about this stuff, and that you knew from the beginning that he was a simple guy. well, then he is a simple guy who is clueless about stuff like this... the fact that he tried is all the more special coming from a guy like that.

This is a woman who understand men.

 

[chowmein]

Originally posted by: Tomato

Originally posted by: chowmein
is the first YABT? my gf just finished complaining about the same issue. i'm no good at these kinds of things neither.

there's just not enough things to do. (finances permitting of course) i don't plan things very well.

note: currently munching on a tomato.

Heh, with salt? I like eating tomatos with salt.

How did you and your gf end up resolving things? How did she bring it up, and how did you feel about things? Did you both decide on any definitive action(s)?

she is currently ignoring my phone calls. usually i have to suck it up and do something to divert her rage. flowers, dinner, the-where-we-are-right-now chat. small things to let her know i still care and that i'm not mindless machine.

shes very direct. everytime she brings it up, shes most likely right.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Mojoed

Originally posted by: Tomato
But still, there are times a girl wants to be pampered, and especially after being asked to dress in my best and be ready for a big night... I have to admit I felt a little disappointed.

My question is... should I explain how I feel and ask if he can please put a little more effort into planning these romantic surprises

Of course you should explain how you feel! You said you're very much in love, why on earth would you withhold information which involves your happiness? The issue may just go away, but it will resurface again.

He's the man you love. Open up the communication with him. It's not just the honesty that's needed, if you're worried about his reaction, work on the presentation in your head before you bring it up. Sorta like you did in this post. I don't even know you and I don't think you're an ungrateful b!tch.

Everyone is different. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. There are plenty of guy out there who have little clue what their women like/dislike. Nothing that can't be cured with healthy communication.

Ask yourself this. If you really love him like you say you do, is he worth the level of communication required to make yourself feel better? It's a win-win issue for both of you.

Yes sir, right away sir!

I'm definitely going to practice what I'm going to say and how I'll say it... ATOT really does have some of the kindest and most helpful members. It's nice being able to ask for and receive opinions and responses from the "male point of view"; I don't really have any guy friends IRL I can ask about this stuff, so all of this info is great.

 

[The Stigenator]

your asking too much..

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: alembic5
Yeah, guys don't really take hints... and we're NOT mind readers. I love suprising my wife every once in a while. The problem is... she is pretty picky about alot of things. Therefore I'm very hesitant to plan something spontaneous unless I know for a fact she likes where we're going. You need to communicate to him how you feel, and what you want. This stuff is important! If you can't communicate about these things, how are you going to communicate on much bigger issues down the road such as your views on raising children? Sometimes communication will hurt feelings... but it is ALWAYS better down the road. Best of luck to you!

Heh... I totally empathize about the mind reading thing, sometimes I just expect my SO to know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I'm usually pretty shocked/surprised when I realize most of the time, he has no idea. Thank you for the best wishes

 

[radioouman]

Originally posted by: blackdogdeek
he will never learn how to give you what you want if he doesn't know what you want.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: elektrolokomotive
Better start communicating now. 15 years of marriage down the drain, partially because of lack of communication.

I'm sorry, elektrolokomotive.

 

[Looney]

Yes, you should talk to him about this... if your relationship is strong, then it wouldn't be affected by a simple thing like this. If he doesn't know what the problem is, how is he suppose to fix it?

But i'm sure you're smart enough not to say outright that you were disappointed. Tell him that it was a good night, but when he said 'surprise', you expected something a litlte more surprising than the usual. Don't blame the things on him, or tell him what he did wrong... but say things like 'girls usually want a little more romance'... kind of hinting that the problem is with girls/you, rather than him.

You could have a little contest/game, tell him to make some romantic plans, and the goal is to make you happy enough... and if he succeeds, he gets some buttsecks.

 

[Ulfwald]

The other thing is, he appears to have no problem letting you spend the money, and he willingly participates. So I really do not see the problem at this point.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: chowmein

Originally posted by: Tomato

Originally posted by: chowmein
is the first YABT? my gf just finished complaining about the same issue. i'm no good at these kinds of things neither.

there's just not enough things to do. (finances permitting of course) i don't plan things very well.

note: currently munching on a tomato.

Heh, with salt? I like eating tomatos with salt.

How did you and your gf end up resolving things? How did she bring it up, and how did you feel about things? Did you both decide on any definitive action(s)?

she is currently ignoring my phone calls. usually i have to suck it up and do something to divert her rage. flowers, dinner, the-where-we-are-right-now chat. small things to let her know i still care and that i'm not mindless machine.

shes very direct. everytime she brings it up, shes most likely right.

Doh. Maybe you could show her this thread, maybe it could help and reassure her that you two aren't alone? It sounds like you really do care about her, and I'm sure she knows it... maybe she just needs to go through her "I'm going to pout about this until I feel better, then I'll come back and things will be fine again" phase right now.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Looney
Yes, you should talk to him about this... if your relationship is strong, then it wouldn't be affected by a simple thing like this. If he doesn't know what the problem is, how is he suppose to fix it?

But i'm sure you're smart enough not to say outright that you were disappointed. Tell him that it was a good night, but when he said 'surprise', you expected something a litlte more surprising than the usual. Don't blame the things on him, or tell him what he did wrong... but say things like 'girls usually want a little more romance'... kind of hinting that the problem is with girls/you, rather than him.

You could have a little contest/game, tell him to make some romantic plans, and the goal is to make you happy enough... and if he succeeds, he gets some buttsecks.

Hey, the contest/game idea you suggested sounds like fun, Looney... I really like that and will definitely keep it in mind, thank you!

 

[chowmein]

that cute ending theme song for school rumble is very suitable for this thread.

 

[Aharami]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie

Originally posted by: Tomato
You have a very good point, jaedaliu. At this point, I'm still really hoping he'll take a hint from my efforts and try to do something similar, but I've been waiting for almost a year and a half for that now. I don't want to make him angry or upset, or make him feel inadequate... I just would like a little more. I think I will talk to him about it, but want to present my feelings to him in a way that won't make him feel attacked or "not good enough."

most guys suck at hints. no offense to the guys here.. but most of them do, in stuff like this. I also read above that you know he is clueless about this stuff, and that you knew from the beginning that he was a simple guy. well, then he is a simple guy who is clueless about stuff like this... the fact that he tried is all the more special coming from a guy like that.

none taken. we know we suck at hints and would prefer if you girls stop wishing that maybe we'd pick up on the next one when we missed the past 14 gajillion ones.

and Tomato, instead of telling him, why dont you show him what you are expecting by u planning out a night and surprising him exactly the way you'd like to be surprised. if he has any brains at all (considering he's a PhD student for comp sci, i'd say he does) he'll see how you do it and will want to top you because of his so called masculine ego

edit: in this case dont flat out tell him what u want. show him like I suggested. He'd feel more of a man if he came up with the idea himself rather than just following your instructions. I know I would

 

[Looney]

Ah, so you're into greek. It's a real shame you're taken.

 

[zendari]

Show the dude this thread.