.

[imported_Tomato]

Once again, ATOT comes through with excellent advice, support, and lessons learned from personal experiences. I'm really grateful to have all the opinions, especially from the "male point-of-view/perspective," as I don't really have any guy friends IRL who I can ask for an opposite sex opinion on. I also appreciate feedback from the more experienced ladies around here. You all kick ass, and I have a much better idea of how to handle the situation now.

 

[Pliablemoose]

Dump him, move to Dallas & become my love slave

Seriously though, sorry he's clueless, most of us guys are...

 

[HardcoreRobot]

get used to it? some guys have it and others dont...

 

[jaedaliu]

let him know how you feel.

imagine how thrilled you'll be with 60 years of this. At some point in those 60 years, you're gonna break down the "it's ok, i just mind a little, he'll get it with time" restraint. You should know that guys are stupid, and need to be hit over the head with a freaking concrete block before they get a clue.

oh yah, and don't forget to let him know you appreciate that he put in the effort, just that you have suggestions about what is more romantic, and how he can benefit from it. (the benfit thing has to be real, or else he won't do it more than once)

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Pliablemoose
Dump him, move to Dallas & become my love slave

Seriously though, sorry he's clueless, most of us guys are...

My family lives in Dallas.

I know he's clueless when it comes to these things... but is there anything I can do to encourage him to be a little more romantic/put some more effort into planning nice evenings out? If there is, should I even do it or will that just make him sad and think that I'm ungrateful?

 

[icejunkie]

I see divorce in your future...

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: jaedaliu
let him know how you feel.

imagine how thrilled you'll be with 60 years of this. At some point in those 60 years, you're gonna break down the "it's ok, i just mind a little, he'll get it with time" restraint. You should know that guys are stupid, and need to be hit over the head with a freaking concrete block before they get a clue.

oh yah, and don't forget to let him know you appreciate that he put in the effort, just that you have suggestions about what is more romantic, and how he can benefit from it. (the benfit thing has to be real, or else he won't do it more than once)

You have a very good point, jaedaliu. At this point, I'm still really hoping he'll take a hint from my efforts and try to do something similar, but I've been waiting for almost a year and a half for that now. I don't want to make him angry or upset, or make him feel inadequate... I just would like a little more. I think I will talk to him about it, but want to present my feelings to him in a way that won't make him feel attacked or "not good enough."

 

[blackdogdeek]

he will never learn how to give you what you want if he doesn't know what you want.

 

[kranky]

He could be intimidated by your natural talent and desire to put together those types of events, and doesn't think that he can match the way you do it. So he is comfortable doing what he can do, such as your recent date.

Another factor is that he is, as you said, a simple guy. He is what he is. Guys don't take hints well, so you might need to be a bit sneakier. Maybe one of your female friends could let him know sometime that "You know, I thought I'd let you know that the other day Tomato told me that she would just love to have a surprise getaway weekend in Sausalito." If he follows through, don't blow his cover. Just enjoy that he did it for you and even though it might not be a genuine surprise, it was something.

Whether you bring it up or not is up to you, but if you do, don't do it now. Wait until it won't be obvious your disappointment is tied to the evening he just planned. Because if he feels that you were disappointed in the evening that he obviously went outside his comfort zone to plan, he's not going to feel very good about himself.

 

[KarenMarie]

he made an attempt. that is more than a lot of guy do. but most guys dont know what is in a girls mind. i am a firm believer that if i want a guy to do something, i tell him exactly what i want to try and save the disappointment in learning that he cannot read my mind.

you are lucky that you have a guy that would go to the effort to make plans for you. many girls get..."so, you wanna go out? Ok, where do you wanna go?"

 

[Aquaman]

This

This

Or This

Cheers,
Aquaman

 

[xospec1alk]

doesn't he post on ATOT as well?

 

[purbeast0]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
he made an attempt. that is more than a lot of guy do. but most guys dont know what is in a girls mind. i am a firm believer that if i want a guy to do something, i tell him exactly what i want to try and save the disappointment in learning that he cannot read my mind.

you are lucky that you have a guy that would go to the effort to make plans for you. many girls get..."so, you wanna go out? Ok, where do you wanna go?"

man i wish my girl would understand that i'm not a friggin mind reader! whenver we get into stupid little arguments or fights, i always end up saying "DAYSI IM NOT A FVCKING MIND READER!!"

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: kranky
He could be intimidated by your natural talent and desire to put together those types of events, and doesn't think that he can match the way you do it. So he is comfortable doing what he can do, such as your recent date.

Another factor is that he is, as you said, a simple guy. He is what he is. Guys don't take hints well, so you might need to be a bit sneakier. Maybe one of your female friends could let him know sometime that "You know, I thought I'd let you know that the other day Tomato told me that she would just love to have a surprise getaway weekend in Sausalito." If he follows through, don't blow his cover. Just enjoy that he did it for you and even though it might not be a genuine surprise, it was something.

Whether you bring it up or not is up to you, but if you do, don't do it now. Wait until it won't be obvious your disappointment is tied to the evening he just planned. Because if he feels that you were disappointed in the evening that he obviously went outside his comfort zone to plan, he's not going to feel very good about himself.

That is a WONDERFUL idea about "suggesting to him through a friend." Thanks for that, kranky!! I'll have to talk to my friend Alice about things, and am sure she wouldn't mind dropping the hint.

I think you have a good point about not bringing up the issue right away. I have a feeling last night was really a bit step for him, and I don't want to crush him immediately after it, as it might scare/upset him into not venturing from his comfort zone again. I know guys have fragile egos too, and I don't want to upset or hurt him in any way.

 

[KarenMarie]

Originally posted by: Tomato
You have a very good point, jaedaliu. At this point, I'm still really hoping he'll take a hint from my efforts and try to do something similar, but I've been waiting for almost a year and a half for that now. I don't want to make him angry or upset, or make him feel inadequate... I just would like a little more. I think I will talk to him about it, but want to present my feelings to him in a way that won't make him feel attacked or "not good enough."

most guys suck at hints. no offense to the guys here.. but most of them do, in stuff like this. I also read above that you know he is clueless about this stuff, and that you knew from the beginning that he was a simple guy. well, then he is a simple guy who is clueless about stuff like this... the fact that he tried is all the more special coming from a guy like that.

 

[hevnsnt]

marked!

 

[Ulfwald]

His mind is occupied by school right now, let him keep it uncluttered for a while. Once he is out of school, and you folks are married, start dropping hints that you would like a little more romance/tenderness in your life. He will come around eventually.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
he made an attempt. that is more than a lot of guy do. but most guys dont know what is in a girls mind. i am a firm believer that if i want a guy to do something, i tell him exactly what i want to try and save the disappointment in learning that he cannot read my mind.

you are lucky that you have a guy that would go to the effort to make plans for you. many girls get..."so, you wanna go out? Ok, where do you wanna go?"

Thanks KarenMarie, he really is a sweet guy who really demonstrated he was willing to try last night. I appreciate the support.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Aquaman
This

This

Or This

Cheers,
Aquaman

LOL, thanks Aquaman. :thumbsup:

 

[Jzero]

You can bring it up to him, but some guys just aren't good at this kind of stuff. If he doesn't "get it" and you are continually harping on him, you are going to drive him nuts, so don't be too nuts about it.

 

[DaveSimmons]

What you might do is wait a little while, so it's not directly connected to the night out he just planned.

Then _without mentioning or hinting about that night_ explain what you'd like him to do from time to time. You might even do this in an email so you can be careful not to let past disappointment slip in.

We guys really can be pretty clueless, especially us CS types that spend all day focusing on problems to be solved logically. So if for example you hate carnations and he thinks you love them, expect him to completely miss year after year of subtle hints that you'd like a different kind of flower in your boquets.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Ulfwald
His mind is occupied by school right now, let him keep it uncluttered for a while. Once he is out of school, and you folks are married, start dropping hints that you would like a little more romance/tenderness in your life. He will come around eventually.

It is, I've seen how much work is involved for a second-year PhD student. I don't want to burden him or add any additional stress... it will be 2+ more years before he'll be done, though. I suppose I can wait that long and continue planning little things myself.

 

[chowmein]

is the first YABT? my gf just finished complaining about the same issue. i'm no good at these kinds of things neither.

there's just not enough things to do. (finances permitting of course) i don't plan things very well.

note: currently munching on a tomato.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Jzero
You can bring it up to him, but some guys just aren't good at this kind of stuff. If he doesn't "get it" and you are continually harping on him, you are going to drive him nuts, so don't be too nuts about it.

That's a good point too, Jzero. I'll try to tone it down as much as possible... I don't want to turn into the annoying naggy partner.

 

[Mojoed]

Originally posted by: Tomato
But still, there are times a girl wants to be pampered, and especially after being asked to dress in my best and be ready for a big night... I have to admit I felt a little disappointed.

My question is... should I explain how I feel and ask if he can please put a little more effort into planning these romantic surprises

Of course you should explain how you feel! You said you're very much in love, why on earth would you withhold information which involves your happiness? The issue may just go away, but it will resurface again.

He's the man you love. Open up the communication with him. It's not just the honesty that's needed, if you're worried about his reaction, work on the presentation in your head before you bring it up. Sorta like you did in this post. I don't even know you and I don't think you're an ungrateful b!tch.

Everyone is different. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. There are plenty of guy out there who have little clue what their women like/dislike. Nothing that can't be cured with healthy communication.

Ask yourself this. If you really love him like you say you do, is he worth the level of communication required to make yourself feel better? It's a win-win issue for both of you.