More grapes.
You can't predict my or my wife's behavior and you shouldn't imply such terrible things. It's not kind.
See you in 24 years.
More grapes.
You can't predict my or my wife's behavior and you shouldn't imply such terrible things. It's not kind.
See you in 24 years.
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
I'm not implying anything, I'm stating some reality, people who marry too young often end up divorced and people who basically marry at the end of shotgun
do so even more frequently.
Btw, I'm on the other side of the age divide, taking time to make sure you've gotten an education, gaining marketable skills, seeing the world, meeting a lot of different people, leaves a person with a full plate and more to bring to a marriage and more to offer a prospective spouse and.or childfren.
marry in haste, repent for eternity !
You are predicting behavior based on statistical evidence, and I'm stating you can't predict ours based on that evidence. You did imply that one of us would be unfaithful.
You'll note we got married only after the baby was born, thus not at the end of a shotgun.
You had a crappy first marriage, I'm sorry for you, I'm not having a crappy first marriage, I'm very happy, you should be happy for me, not predict my eventual bitter resentment.
Originally posted by: Turin39789
Originally posted by: franguinho
sit on it for a while....
but seriously its normal to have doubts but be honest with yourself and with your girl... i think you kinda just know when you're ready to spend your life with someone!
My thinking right now is that I'm at that point. We've been living together and it really hasn't been that bad. I don't keep a top of the line computer anymore, and I don't have all night gaming sessions every night either. But we take trips, she likes and gets along with all of my friends. I'm happy. I think I'm scared of my sudden lack of doubt, I'm thinking I'm going to sit on it for awhile though before I go to her father.
I'm 24 btw.
I know I posted with some sarcasm about losing my mind, but I guess I'm looking for perspective from people who've been through this before; i.e. married losers.
sounds like you're looking for someone to talk you out of marriage
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Originally posted by: djheater
You are predicting behavior based on statistical evidence, and I'm stating you can't predict ours based on that evidence. You did imply that one of us would be unfaithful.
You'll note we got married only after the baby was born, thus not at the end of a shotgun.
You had a crappy first marriage, I'm sorry for you, I'm not having a crappy first marriage, I'm very happy, you should be happy for me, not predict my eventual bitter resentment.
My observations actually have nothing to do with my 1st marriage and more to do with all the folks I met along life's roads over the years.People who married too young didnt usual have good outcomes.
As to myself, I was a far,far different person at 25 than I was at age 18-19 and I suspect it's probably similar for most folks, that the final adult personality traits aren't really established till age 25. Waiting imho is prudent.
having nothing better to do, feeling bad about making her cry... those aren't reasons imho to marry... and neither is an accidental pregnancy.
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: djheater
You are predicting behavior based on statistical evidence, and I'm stating you can't predict ours based on that evidence. You did imply that one of us would be unfaithful.
You'll note we got married only after the baby was born, thus not at the end of a shotgun.
You had a crappy first marriage, I'm sorry for you, I'm not having a crappy first marriage, I'm very happy, you should be happy for me, not predict my eventual bitter resentment.
My observations actually have nothing to do with my 1st marriage and more to do with all the folks I met along life's roads over the years.People who married too young didnt usual have good outcomes.
As to myself, I was a far,far different person at 25 than I was at age 18-19 and I suspect it's probably similar for most folks, that the final adult personality traits aren't really established till age 25. Waiting imho is prudent.
This is the point I was really trying to make. I wouldn't suggest that anyone get married until they're ready. What I would suggest is that being ready is not necessarily a product of age.
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Originally posted by: djheater
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: djheater
You are predicting behavior based on statistical evidence, and I'm stating you can't predict ours based on that evidence. You did imply that one of us would be unfaithful.
You'll note we got married only after the baby was born, thus not at the end of a shotgun.
You had a crappy first marriage, I'm sorry for you, I'm not having a crappy first marriage, I'm very happy, you should be happy for me, not predict my eventual bitter resentment.
My observations actually have nothing to do with my 1st marriage and more to do with all the folks I met along life's roads over the years.People who married too young didnt usual have good outcomes.
As to myself, I was a far,far different person at 25 than I was at age 18-19 and I suspect it's probably similar for most folks, that the final adult personality traits aren't really established till age 25. Waiting imho is prudent.
This is the point I was really trying to make. I wouldn't suggest that anyone get married until they're ready. What I would suggest is that being ready is not necessarily a product of age.
in this country it requires an increasing large income and resources to start and rear a family. Marriage is by it's very nature stressful enough without adding in extra handicaps like lack of education,marketable job skills and personality traits that are usually gained/honed via life experiences.
Marriage should, imho be a joyful, conciously, deliberately chosen act, not something one does because they've got nothing better to do or feel obligated.
btw, my observations are just that observations, I'm not wishing you bad luck or anything of the sort.
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: djheater
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: djheater
You are predicting behavior based on statistical evidence, and I'm stating you can't predict ours based on that evidence. You did imply that one of us would be unfaithful.
You'll note we got married only after the baby was born, thus not at the end of a shotgun.
You had a crappy first marriage, I'm sorry for you, I'm not having a crappy first marriage, I'm very happy, you should be happy for me, not predict my eventual bitter resentment.
My observations actually have nothing to do with my 1st marriage and more to do with all the folks I met along life's roads over the years.People who married too young didnt usual have good outcomes.
As to myself, I was a far,far different person at 25 than I was at age 18-19 and I suspect it's probably similar for most folks, that the final adult personality traits aren't really established till age 25. Waiting imho is prudent.
This is the point I was really trying to make. I wouldn't suggest that anyone get married until they're ready. What I would suggest is that being ready is not necessarily a product of age.
in this country it requires an increasing large income and resources to start and rear a family. Marriage is by it's very nature stressful enough without adding in extra handicaps like lack of education,marketable job skills and personality traits that are usually gained/honed via life experiences.
Marriage should, imho be a joyful, conciously, deliberately chosen act, not something one does because they've got nothing better to do or feel obligated.
That last statement is a value judgement, I assure you despite that lack of most of what you are saying marriage requires, my wife and I did make a "joyful, conciously, deliberately chosen act", because we were mentally prepared as individuals to do so. Our lives were uniquely suited to place us in a position where we were ready and willing to commit to each other, we missed a bullet there, no doubt.
All of the things you mentioned do make sustaining marriage easier, but they are not required.
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Originally posted by: djheater
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: djheater
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: djheater
You are predicting behavior based on statistical evidence, and I'm stating you can't predict ours based on that evidence. You did imply that one of us would be unfaithful.
You'll note we got married only after the baby was born, thus not at the end of a shotgun.
You had a crappy first marriage, I'm sorry for you, I'm not having a crappy first marriage, I'm very happy, you should be happy for me, not predict my eventual bitter resentment.
My observations actually have nothing to do with my 1st marriage and more to do with all the folks I met along life's roads over the years.People who married too young didnt usual have good outcomes.
As to myself, I was a far,far different person at 25 than I was at age 18-19 and I suspect it's probably similar for most folks, that the final adult personality traits aren't really established till age 25. Waiting imho is prudent.
This is the point I was really trying to make. I wouldn't suggest that anyone get married until they're ready. What I would suggest is that being ready is not necessarily a product of age.
in this country it requires an increasing large income and resources to start and rear a family. Marriage is by it's very nature stressful enough without adding in extra handicaps like lack of education,marketable job skills and personality traits that are usually gained/honed via life experiences.
Marriage should, imho be a joyful, conciously, deliberately chosen act, not something one does because they've got nothing better to do or feel obligated.
That last statement is a value judgement, I assure you despite that lack of most of what you are saying marriage requires, my wife and I did make a "joyful, conciously, deliberately chosen act", because we were mentally prepared as individuals to do so. Our lives were uniquely suited to place us in a position where we were ready and willing to commit to each other, we missed a bullet there, no doubt.
All of the things you mentioned do make sustaining marriage easier, but they are not required.
It's a value judgement based on years of living and experience and it's just my observation, if your experiences are different good for you.
Ok,
I have been married only 2.5 years, but it does qualify me as one of those "married losers" =)
As others have said, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman? end of story.
If you decide yes, I wouldn't bother going to her dad. Although she has hinted (or used a sledgehammer...) to you, that she wants to be married the two of you have to live it. That usually includes extended families to varying extents, but let her make the choice and you two can inform them latter.
While you are engaged, you must (and you may have done some of these already)...
1. Discuss finances and how you both will handle them. One bank account or two? Who pays for the bills, will you both work etc. I highly suggest discretionary spending accounts.
2. Children. Most people want children <b> at some point</b>. You have to be able to come to a compromise on when and how many.
3. Live through a fight, preferably two or three. All married couples fight at some point, you must be able to resolve them constructivly. i.e. My wife gets very emotionally offended and crys easily, if I just rip into her all that happens is that she holes up in our room for most of the day. Figure out how to make up so that you're both happy (this is almost worth the fight sometimes <grin>)
4. Politics and Religion. These are often two strongly held views that you must make sure will not cause undue anguish. If you both like a heated argument, this may not be an issue now, but when it comes to raising kids, voting or even fiscal donations...
Being Catholic, my wife and I went to the churches pre-marraige counceling and I can say their quiz and discussion has provided more laughs for us than anything else. They have no "right" answer, just a "suggested" answer. Besides, a celibate man giving advice on experiences he hasn't had... If you discuss (or already have) my 4 points above you will be fine.
Compromise is the name of the game. If you are upset when you compromise with your girl, you are probably not meant to be together long term.
Don't take anything for granted and like everything else, you get out of marraige what you put into it (usually more).
I have been married only 2.5 years, but it does qualify me as one of those "married losers" =)
As others have said, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman? end of story.
If you decide yes, I wouldn't bother going to her dad. Although she has hinted (or used a sledgehammer...) to you, that she wants to be married the two of you have to live it. That usually includes extended families to varying extents, but let her make the choice and you two can inform them latter.
While you are engaged, you must (and you may have done some of these already)...
1. Discuss finances and how you both will handle them. One bank account or two? Who pays for the bills, will you both work etc. I highly suggest discretionary spending accounts.
2. Children. Most people want children <b> at some point</b>. You have to be able to come to a compromise on when and how many.
3. Live through a fight, preferably two or three. All married couples fight at some point, you must be able to resolve them constructivly. i.e. My wife gets very emotionally offended and crys easily, if I just rip into her all that happens is that she holes up in our room for most of the day. Figure out how to make up so that you're both happy (this is almost worth the fight sometimes <grin>)
4. Politics and Religion. These are often two strongly held views that you must make sure will not cause undue anguish. If you both like a heated argument, this may not be an issue now, but when it comes to raising kids, voting or even fiscal donations...
Being Catholic, my wife and I went to the churches pre-marraige counceling and I can say their quiz and discussion has provided more laughs for us than anything else. They have no "right" answer, just a "suggested" answer. Besides, a celibate man giving advice on experiences he hasn't had... If you discuss (or already have) my 4 points above you will be fine.
Compromise is the name of the game. If you are upset when you compromise with your girl, you are probably not meant to be together long term.
Don't take anything for granted and like everything else, you get out of marraige what you put into it (usually more).
yikes it got heated in here quick, and I've got enough strong dark beer in me and enough cold medicine out of me to post again.
Granted I started the thread and invited it upon myself, but you don't know me, and the best advice anyone can give in this situation is generic. The ultimate responsibility relies on me.
We're both stinkin liberals, she's a christian and I know better. She's in school working on her MBA and I'm going back to finish my bachelors(but my degree is English now and not Engineering - but were both going to a state school so we don't live up to the MIT/Cal tech standard on ATOT) . If you didn't get it already I was attempting sarcasm earlier. As the day is done and we are reconciled, no sparks came up after we got off work and settled into our weekend; I am settling back into my old routine. I'm ready to start hiding from my commitment again, sweeping the inevitable under the rug again. I got scared last night because I thought I might lose her, and thats not something I think I could survive again. I'm still going to give my feelings earlier today and last night some serious thoughts, but the the emotion of the situation is settling down again.
Deep down I think I'm an optimistic pessimist, to steal Vonneguts self characterization, my outlook is like a "bitter coated sugar pill". I think everythings going to work out just fine but I'm not going to like it while it's happening.
I'd like to thank everyone for their comments and points of view, you've given me a lot to think about. I've seriously considered most of your points of view already, but it never hurts to live them again.
I'd also like to recommend everyone on anandtech become aquainted with the music of Tom Waits, the man's a genius. There's a ton of songs I'd like to throw in here to defuse the seriousness of the conversation, but I'll just do the one that ended the night and got me to come back for a post before retiring.
I dont want to grow up, by Tom Waits. Much better to listen to than to read.
"When I'm lyin' in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
Nothin' ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
That's always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever wanna be that way
I don't wanna grow up
Seems like folks turn into things
That they'd never want
The only thing to live for
Is today...
I'm gonna put a hole in my TV set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up
Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old Tomb
On Grand Street
When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don't wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I don't wanna grow up"
(author claims no responsibility for proper use of the semi-colon in this text, despite unverifiable claim of pursuit of an English degree. If any mature and vibrant AT members pass through Kentucky(Louisville or Lexington) author extends an offer to purchase libations in exchange for mutually painfully honest conversation and bitter joyous laughter.)
Granted I started the thread and invited it upon myself, but you don't know me, and the best advice anyone can give in this situation is generic. The ultimate responsibility relies on me.
We're both stinkin liberals, she's a christian and I know better. She's in school working on her MBA and I'm going back to finish my bachelors(but my degree is English now and not Engineering - but were both going to a state school so we don't live up to the MIT/Cal tech standard on ATOT) . If you didn't get it already I was attempting sarcasm earlier. As the day is done and we are reconciled, no sparks came up after we got off work and settled into our weekend; I am settling back into my old routine. I'm ready to start hiding from my commitment again, sweeping the inevitable under the rug again. I got scared last night because I thought I might lose her, and thats not something I think I could survive again. I'm still going to give my feelings earlier today and last night some serious thoughts, but the the emotion of the situation is settling down again.
Deep down I think I'm an optimistic pessimist, to steal Vonneguts self characterization, my outlook is like a "bitter coated sugar pill". I think everythings going to work out just fine but I'm not going to like it while it's happening.
I'd like to thank everyone for their comments and points of view, you've given me a lot to think about. I've seriously considered most of your points of view already, but it never hurts to live them again.
I'd also like to recommend everyone on anandtech become aquainted with the music of Tom Waits, the man's a genius. There's a ton of songs I'd like to throw in here to defuse the seriousness of the conversation, but I'll just do the one that ended the night and got me to come back for a post before retiring.
I dont want to grow up, by Tom Waits. Much better to listen to than to read.
"When I'm lyin' in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
Nothin' ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
That's always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever wanna be that way
I don't wanna grow up
Seems like folks turn into things
That they'd never want
The only thing to live for
Is today...
I'm gonna put a hole in my TV set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up
Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old Tomb
On Grand Street
When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don't wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I don't wanna grow up"
(author claims no responsibility for proper use of the semi-colon in this text, despite unverifiable claim of pursuit of an English degree. If any mature and vibrant AT members pass through Kentucky(Louisville or Lexington) author extends an offer to purchase libations in exchange for mutually painfully honest conversation and bitter joyous laughter.)
Also, I blame the "deep fried computer" thread that got posted shortly after this for the lack of sympathy.
I plan on reviving this thread tomorrow after it sinks tonight, so this isn't the end(I hope), but I'd like to again express my thanks to everyone for taking the time to consider my questions and respond with their life experiences.
I plan on reviving this thread tomorrow after it sinks tonight, so this isn't the end(I hope), but I'd like to again express my thanks to everyone for taking the time to consider my questions and respond with their life experiences.
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