YAGT: WTH am I thinking

[GasX]

Close your eyes and picture yourself on vacation in 20 years on a beach somewhere.








Is she standing next to you? There's your answer.

 

[jman19]

Originally posted by: Turin39789

Originally posted by: jman19
Sit on the decision for a while, don't want to make a rash decision when it comes to marriage...

I know that, but we've been together for 3 years, and have been living together for about a year now. The rash decision argument doesn't really hold up to that.

I'm trying to bring to mind all the little annoying things and nagging that goes on to change my mind, but so far it hasn't helped. Maybe its all the dayquil I've been mainlining.

You said you were worried that you might be making the decision because you felt bad about making her cry the previous night; I'm saying that if you are worried about making a decision based on that then you shouldn't rush into anything.

 

[Turin39789]

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: Turin39789
I definetly will, for those ATOT members who are married, how did you know it was time/the right person? I know most of you had arranged marriages, but there should be a few out there who chose themselves.

That is the wrong question to ask because that kind of question will lead you to ask that when you are married as well (and trust me, married people go through times of doubt as well). The real question is, are you prepared to get married, do you see yourself compatible with her long term, is she "worth it".

She is the right person because you married her (marriage is hard work), so make sure you have settled those three thigns before you take the plunge. I would suggest engagement counseling if you can do it, it weeds out practical questions before they arise after marriage (i.e. - money, kids, sexual frequency...). Don't ask how I know this stuff. I have been mentored by a whole bunch of people growing up and a lot of my friends are married now.

Not sure that I would actually do the pre-engagment counseling, but I was looking into it on google. Unable to find any secular options.

 

[pnad]

I'd say if you are still happy after 3 years it is time to go all in. You have been living together for a year; the toothpaste/toiletseat type issues have all been resolved.

The only time I have seen a LTR-->Marriage NOT work is when the idiots didn't live together before the wedding.

For me personally there were 2 factors. First, I had dated and simply KNOWN a lot of women. I got bored/annoyed with all of them - until I met my wife. Second, I asked myself "Can you find any better?" I'm sure I could have found a better mate if I searched longer. Maybe someone just like her, but with a HUGE inheritance But in a practical sense, I hadn't met a better woman in the 5 years of previous dating. I wanted to be married, I wanted to start a family and I didn't want to search the world or wait until I was 30+ to begin.

 

[T9D]

Are you happy right now? Do you have a good thing going? Then no need to ruin that with marriage

Unless you really really want kids and are going to start a family right away I'd say dont change anything. Marriage is not going to make you happier.

 

[Exterous]

I had been with my wife for 4 years before marrage (lived with her for 1.25 years). For us it really didn't change anything since we'd already been together for so long. There are always trade-offs like you said about the computer and gaming (I had similar ones) but if you don't mind (You can miss it, but if you don't mind the trips with her and have fun and don't fight about your lost time with the comuter and games then thats ok) I'd say you're ready. I've always had doubts, always that 'can I do better?' but I have those about everyone I've gone out with. Besides she has some qualities that I like that I pretty much can't find anywhere else. Its been almost a year since marrage and there are always some issues to work through, but I'm happy and thats the most important part. If you can see yourself living (not necessarily married to) with her for a long time and happy then I say its time to take the plunge

Edit: And marrage can make you happier. After being together for so long, we really didn't have a 'honeymoon' phase - but overall our relationship is better and stronger now than before the wedding

 

[crystal]

The girl is not getting any younger and neither are you. She already wasted 3 years of her life waiting on you. If you are not going to marry her, then tell her so she could dump you and looking for some one else.

 

[JS80]

24???????? my target marriage age is 32-35...

 

[iamwiz82]

Originally posted by: Dacalo

Originally posted by: Skel

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: jman19
Sit on the decision for a while, don't want to make a rash decision when it comes to marriage...

QFT...

OP, you need to evaluate if you want to get married right now and if the girl is "worth it".

This will take a little time to mull over.

Because three years of being together, not to mention living together for a year isn't enough time to figure out if this is the one to marry. :roll:

I wish you were right, I really do. But some girls, not all, do a 180 and change once they get that ring around their finger. It's scary...

IMHO, it should pretty obvious that they are like that if you know the rest of the woman's personality. Lola hasn't changed a bit since we got married. She hasn't chopped her hair, started wearing sweats, her personality hasn't changed.

 

[Turin39789]

Originally posted by: JS80
24???????? my target marriage age is 32-35...

we are uneducated with no education goals or financial opportunities. We have nothing else to do.

 

[Geekbabe]

24 is wayyy too young to be even thinking about getting married. I think you screwed up when you allowed her to move in by not making it crystal clear that it wasn't a prelude to marriage.

Btw, I can't for the life of me understand why on earth people as young as you saddle themselves with live in relationships ? At 24 you should be out there dating and having fun, the motto should read

"sworn to fun, alligence to none"till you're at least 30 imho.

 

[mugs]

"I can't think of any argument against it" is not a good reason to marry someone.

"I really love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her" is a good reason.

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
24 is wayyy too young to be even thinking about getting married. I think you screwed up when you allowed her to move in by not making it crystal clear that it wasn't a prelude to marriage.

Btw, I can't for the life of me understand why on earth people as young as you saddle themselves with live in relationships ? At 24 you should be out there dating and having fun, the motto should read

"sworn to fun, alligence to none"till you're at least 30 imho.

why can't it be "sworn to fun, alligence to one"?

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
24 is wayyy too young to be even thinking about getting married. I think you screwed up when you allowed her to move in by not making it crystal clear that it wasn't a prelude to marriage.

Btw, I can't for the life of me understand why on earth people as young as you saddle themselves with live in relationships ? At 24 you should be out there dating and having fun, the motto should read

"sworn to fun, alligence to none"till you're at least 30 imho.

why can't it be "sworn to fun, alligence to one"?

at age 24 the only alligence a person should have is to themselves.

 

[imported_michaelpatrick33]

Originally posted by: Turin39789

Originally posted by: franguinho
sit on it for a while.... no pun intended...


but seriously its normal to have doubts but be honest with yourself and with your girl... i think you kinda just know when you're ready to spend your life with someone!

My thinking right now is that I'm at that point. We've been living together and it really hasn't been that bad. I don't keep a top of the line computer anymore, and I don't have all night gaming sessions every night either. But we take trips, she likes and gets along with all of my friends. I'm happy. I think I'm scared of my sudden lack of doubt, I'm thinking I'm going to sit on it for awhile though before I go to her father.

I'm 24 btw.

I know I posted with some sarcasm about losing my mind, but I guess I'm looking for perspective from people who've been through this before; i.e. married losers.

This post is frightening in its defeatist, depressed, I am no longer my own man feel.

"It isn't that bad living with her?" WTF That sure is not a line I want the woman who wants to marry me to be uttering while thinking about marriage. I would suggest you get some counseling individually and then some couple's counseling.

 

[Lola]

There are some people who know they want to be with someone at a young age. They have dated, met people who they know they like and dislike.
I don't think its the same for everyone though

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
There are some people who know they want to be with someone at a young age. They have dated, met people who they know they like and dislike.
I don't think its the same for everyone though

As a rule men mature later than women and I think there'd be fewer divorces if people married later, after they'd had a chance to see the world and experience a lot of life.

You should marry because your partner completes your heart, not out of default obligation just because you've been together X number of years.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
There are some people who know they want to be with someone at a young age. They have dated, met people who they know they like and dislike.
I don't think its the same for everyone though

As a rule men mature later than women and I think there'd be fewer divorces if people married later, after they'd had a chance to see the world and experience a lot of life.

You should marry because your partner completes your heart, not out of default obligation just because you've been together X number of years.

most definatly. Time should not be a factor.

 

[Circlenaut]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
24 is wayyy too young to be even thinking about getting married. I think you screwed up when you allowed her to move in by not making it crystal clear that it wasn't a prelude to marriage.

Btw, I can't for the life of me understand why on earth people as young as you saddle themselves with live in relationships ? At 24 you should be out there dating and having fun, the motto should read

"sworn to fun, alligence to none"till you're at least 30 imho.

You know somepeople might not just be "into" that. I for example feel much happier being in a stable relationship then going out and dating as many girls as possible. I just don't find that enjoyable. What I do find enjoyable is doing well in life wne furthering my education. I don't have "craziness" to get out of my system before "settleing" down. I think if a person has to do that then they're not being true to themselves. Marriage should be about re-enforcing what you've been doing all your life with a precious partner, not change.

College freshman year I saw this all around me. People drinking, whoring, losing focus. Hey that's ok for them, but that just doesn't stimulate me. What stimulates me is having a loving GF, nurturing her, being there for her, and her being there for me. Even though I'm only 19 I could honestly see myself marrying my gf down the line because I'm able to anwser the question "Would I be happy and CONTENT being with you for the rest of my life?" This is why taging an age next to making a marital deicsion, I find useless. People are too different. People handle commitment at different times in their lives.

See I believe if you think "is she the best?" you would be unhappy for hte rest of your life. Because the fundamental truth is there probably IS someone better then her out there in the world. It's hard finding anybody truely the best at anything, including compatatblity and charecter. What you have to ask yourself IMO is "what will I do when I meet someone better then her?", because it would be inevitable. Would you be content? Never look for the best in a person, look for the best of you in that person. Because that would make you happy and content.

 

[Madwand1]

Marriage is in the heart, not in the church or the local JoP or whatever. Marriage as in the wedding ceremony is the formalization of that pact, a socio-economic relationshipship and a legal entity, etc. None of that matters so much when you don't have commitment, comfort and love for each other. Marry in your hearts if you can, and then only say if you want "let's make it legal". Don't think for a second that a ceremony or anything is really going to change your hearts.

 

[Skeeedunt]

Originally posted by: Turin39789

Originally posted by: JS80
24???????? my target marriage age is 32-35...

we are uneducated with no education goals or financial opportunities. We have nothing else to do.

Having "nothing better to do" is not a very good reason either.

And to the person who said that three years should be more than enough time to figure it out, it can make a big difference which three years those are. People change a lot more from 21-24 than 31-34.

This may just not be the right time for you, regardless of whether she is the right girl. And that's not your fault, regardless of what she may say...

 

[Kwaipie]

How much time to you spend apart? Does she have a social network that you're not a member of?
If you do decide to do this, for God's sake, keep your own checking account.

The three big marriage killers are:
Money
Sex
Religion
Are you compatible in these?

 

[Trikat]

Good luck OP, I hope it turns out great for you. :thumbsup:

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
24 is wayyy too young to be even thinking about getting married. I think you screwed up when you allowed her to move in by not making it crystal clear that it wasn't a prelude to marriage.

Btw, I can't for the life of me understand why on earth people as young as you saddle themselves with live in relationships ? At 24 you should be out there dating and having fun, the motto should read

"sworn to fun, alligence to none"till you're at least 30 imho.

No offense, but that's sour grapes.

I accidentally impregnated my girlfriend at 22 (she was 20). We got married two months after our daughter was born. Certainly it was a hard adjustment for both of us, I'm not saying I reccomend it, but it definately made me a better person and our relationship is the stronger for it.
I think our culture encourages an extended adolescence which is manufactured. It is not necessary and ultimately I think our society suffers as a result, so I categorically disagree with your last line.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: djheater

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
24 is wayyy too young to be even thinking about getting married. I think you screwed up when you allowed her to move in by not making it crystal clear that it wasn't a prelude to marriage.

Btw, I can't for the life of me understand why on earth people as young as you saddle themselves with live in relationships ? At 24 you should be out there dating and having fun, the motto should read

"sworn to fun, alligence to none"till you're at least 30 imho.

No offense, but that's sour grapes.

I accidentally impregnated my girlfriend at 22 (she was 20). We got married two months after our daughter was born. Certainly it was a hard adjustment for both of us, I'm not saying I reccomend it, but it definately made me a better person and our relationship is the stronger for it.
I think our culture encourages an extended adolescence which is manufactured. It is not necessary and ultimately I think our society suffers as a result, so I categorically disagree with your last line.

How old are you now ? come back when you're 55 and still happily married to the same woman, with no indiscretions and no regrets at lost life opportuntities on either side.