YAGT: So my girlfriend went to chill with a guy friend...

[Reggae4k]

you guys are writing down rules? any time that happens, the rules are bound to be broken. you guys are so over, you just dont know it yet.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Um, ask her how she would feel if you were out until 1:30AM with another woman. It's hard to see the other side until you're on it.

\thread

 

[CKDragon]

So no 1 on 1 with other guys?

What about 2 or 3 guys and just her? Would you be more comfortable with that?

OH NO, BETTER PUT IT IN THE CONTRACT!

 

[DeadByDawn]

man card status: revoked

 

[lokiju]

Just don't be shocked when things don't turn out the way you hope.

Good luck though.

 

[DivideBYZero]

Originally posted by: CKDragon
So no 1 on 1 with other guys?

What about 2 or 3 guys and just her? Would you be more comfortable with that?

OH NO, BETTER PUT IT IN THE CONTRACT!

Spit roast? Air tight? M8, I'd put that in the contract.

 

[mercanucaribe]

Originally posted by: Reggae4k
you guys are writing down rules? any time that happens, the rules are bound to be broken. you guys are so over, you just dont know it yet.

I don't understand the rules thing. If she NEEDS rules to not cheat on you... there's a problem.

 

[UDT89]

dude, move on. for real.

do you really want to deal with this for the next 40 years???

id rather be in jail

 

[CreepieDeCrapper]

I only read the first and last page of this thread, but let me tell you, things don't look good for you guys. Do you live together? If so, then there's a responsibility she has to you regarding coming home at reasonable times and communicating what's happening, etc. Of course, you can't IMPOSE this responsibility on her, she has to desire to treat you properly all on her own. The cell phone dying is meaningless. I'm sure the guy she was hanging out with had a phone for her to borrow, not to mention using a restaurant/bar phone, stopping at a gas station, etc. Again, she has to be responsible to the relationship all on her own, just like you do.

My friend went through a very similar situation last year. She was cheating on him it turned out. This is a common pattern as many have already indicated (i.e. girlfriend starts hanging out with guy 'friends' then starts coming home late/not at all, communication begins to suffer, then the relationship ends).

 

[blazerazor]

This is why alcohol was invented. Drink a six pack and a pint of brown water and call HER in the morning.

Or just go to a strip club to fill the emotional void.

Or do Both, just get a designated driver.

 

[SmackD]

There is obviously no trust in this relationship if you guys need to write rules down. This isn't a compromise and it won't last. Good luck.

 

[Pastore]

One thing I know about those stupid little agreements is they don't last. Wait, I take it back... It'll last a week...

 

[AbAbber2k]

Just dump her. Good god. You don't even have to be mean about it. You need to just sit down and realize that it is NOT GOING TO WORK between the two of you. You don't trust her, and she doesn't seem to respect you. Wake up already. Once trust is broken it's next to impossible to completely repair.

 

[wheresmybacon]

Originally posted by: Iron Addict
Update #2
We decided that we need to compromise to stay in our relationship and we arranged an agreement list of things when it comes to socializing with the opposite gender.
We've listed few things like no "1on1" date like settings, no giving phone numbers, introducing them first and etc. I guess I can be pretty satisfied as long as she acts accordingly.
Anything you guys think I should add to the list?

are you going to have to catch her fvcking someone else before you get wise to her game? you are BEING PLAYED.

look we aren't saying this because we're mean, we're saying this from experience. i was an idiot when i was 22 and "in love" and i turned a blind eye to nonsence like you're doing right now. in the end, i walked in on her and my roommate fvcking in our living room at 4am.

we finally broke up. i learned a hard lesson.

keep going down this path and you will be me someday, i guarantee it.

 

[z42]

Originally posted by: Iron Addict
Update #2
We decided that we need to compromise to stay in our relationship and we arranged an agreement list of things when it comes to socializing with the opposite gender.
We've listed few things like no "1on1" date like settings, no giving phone numbers, introducing them first and etc. I guess I can be pretty satisfied as long as she acts accordingly.
Anything you guys think I should add to the list?

Who's idea was it to make a list of "rules"?

If it was yours, I stand by my earlier control freak post.

If it was her idea, she's just getting a list from you so that she can do whatever isn't on it.

Either way, if you have to have a list of what you can and can't do, your relationship is in serious trouble.

 

[Paddington]

You can't change people.

It seems like your girlfriend likes attention from lots of different men. Is that the kind of life you want?

I'd dump this girl, regardless of whatever positive qualities she has.

 

[CreepieDeCrapper]

Originally posted by: Paddington
It seems like your girlfriend likes attention from lots of different men. Is that the kind of life you want?

Read this again and spend some serious time thinking about it. It's the best observation so far. (Well done, Paddington!)

 

[Dacalo]

Oh boy, imagine this going on when you are married to her.

Then it will really hurt.

 

[xtknight]

If she liked you then why would she be pulling BS like this on you and making up stupid excuses? Think about it. When you like someone do you do that to them? It's just a shame that it has lasted for so long this way. If you want to know the truth, stuff like this was on her mind at most one month into the relationship. How long can it really take to realize how much you like somebody? Generally if you're truly compatible you'll get that confidence and trust in them within weeks, really. And if you're not "truly" compatible, if you're really good you may be able to make them like you (by making her jealous of being with you). But clearly that's not the case here.

If Paddington's statement didn't say it clear enough for some reason, then I'll clarify it more: if you were married to somebody, would you tolerate cheating? Now when you like somebody generally you get ideas of marriage in the future. If she was even thinking of marrying you and knew you wouldn't put up with that crap, then why would she screw up her chances with you? Clearly she doesn't even care if she breaks the relationship.

 

[Acanthus]

Let her go, its not worth the mental anguish, there are girls who arent stupid bimbos out there.

 

[Paddington]

I used to get reeled in like a sucker by these really flirtatious girls. But once you date them, you find out they're like that all the time, even with other men. I'm not crazy about that, as it's a) disgusting and b) raises the possibility for cheating.

See what you want is the attractive, yet quiet girl, who has a nice job like being a librarian (i.e. a place largely free of horny dudes chasing girls). You want her to come home to you at the end of the day, and not even entertain the thought of hanging around other guys 1 on 1 and so forth. Not Miss Scantily-Clad Ultra-Extroverted Attention-Seeking Cheerleader who hangs around 100 big football players each day.

There are girls like that, but they take a bit of searching because they're - obviously - a bit more hidden than the flirtatious types that aggressively chase you.

 

[Leejai]

i didn't read the whole thing, but glad i saw the word compromise because that's the key in any relationship...best of luck.

 

[KoolDrew]

Either way, if you have to have a list of what you can and can't do, your relationship is in serious trouble.

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: KoolDrew

Either way, if you have to have a list of what you can and can't do, your relationship is in serious trouble.

The fact that it's even a discussion is a problem. Certain things like this need to just exude from your general manhood. If you were man enough, she wouldn't even consider "dating" other guys (and thats what it is, when its 1on1 hanging out). She has to KNOW that you wouldn't stand for it, so she doesn't get the bright idea in the first place.

It's not a trust issue. I trust my girl, I don't trust other guys. I trust her because she doesn't constantly put me in the position of having to test my trust for her. And likewise for myself.

Any yagt will have it's token shes cheating on you, its over replies. I'm normally the last one to give it. She's probably not cheating on you, and may never do so, but your clock is most definitely ticking.

 

[cker]

Late to the party.

Almost nobody leaves a steady relationship unless they've figured out where they're heading, unless the steady relationship is really, really terrible. I mean, a relationship you're 30% happy with is preferable, to many folks, to having nobody. Besides, it's a weird law of the universe that it's easier to find somebody when you already have somebody.

Originally posted by: Iron Addict
First, I'd like to say that she does not lie to me.

I bet you'd like to be able to accurately say that. You can't know that, you can only believe it or not. Sounds like, in your gut, you don't.

Second of all, she's a very rightous person where she's 100% convinced that she would not do wrong things and even if she did make a mistake since it was not her intention she thinks she's not at fault.

Yeah, that's a pretty terrible trait in a partner. I parse that to mean "No matter what I do if I didn't set out to do wrong, it's all good." I've had people with that perspective really put me in unpleasant situations a few times. Intentions are important but REAL events are too. That intention cop-out is how some people I've met get around all sorts of behavior that they don't really want to take responsibility for. "I just meant to give her a hug and ended up grabbing her boob. Oops." "I wasn't going to sleep with him but I had a few drinks and one thing led to another." This rationalization either holds water for you, or it doesn't.

I made the first mistake by saying, "WTF R U DOING?!" I could tell she was upset with what i said when she called me from home at 1:30AM. Then, we proceeded to have the "talk" for couple hours...

Wait a minute. Your 3-year SO goes on a date with some guy you don't know, comes in after midnight, and you're the bad guy for wanting to know what's up? Your tone might be a factor here, but... are you sure you should be apologising for wanting to know why your SO was out all night with some other guy? That said, starting out with an attack probably wasn't the best way to have a dialogue.

2. She thinks I have no trust in her.

Do you? Really? You seem pretty worked up about this, if you have confidence in her reliability and decision-making skills. I call BS on you...

3. She thinks I'm doing this because I like to be in the "control."

And then I call BS on her. This is generally a cop-out, unless you are a control-freak. I'll never know 'cuz if you are, you probably won't announce it in here.

4. She thinks it was perfectly okay to not to call me, because coming home late isn't something that big of a deal since she's done it many times before with me and her friends.

Would she feel the same way if we reversed the genders in the situation? Try that sometime -- meet up with a girl you just met, after work, and come in after midnight. What reaction do you think you'll get?

5. She hates the fact that I swear or hang up the phone when Im too fraustrated or mad.

That's a reasonable position. Do you like being sworn at and hung up on?

6. She thinks she's the perfect girlfriend and I dont appreciate that.

Well, do you or don't you agree with her? There are plenty of other guys who will tell her that, at least long enough to get in her pants. Heck, you can tolerate anyone if they're hot enough, if only for an evening.

Why I am mad:
1. She does NOT understand why I was mad. I wasn't upset because I was jealous. I was upset cause I was so worried about her safety and well being.

Uhm. I don't believe that, and you probably don't either. I'd bet you're worried that she's cheating on you. Possibly you're displacing that into concern for her well-being, but what do you think's happening? Are you thinking she just picked an axe murderer to run off with, or that somebody will mug her and you knowing where she is will let you charge in like Batman and save the day? Be honest here.

2. She doesn't understand why I have no trust in her. It's not because of her "evil" intentions that I can't trust her, yet because of her lack of "common sense." (As you can see in another thread and many other examples I havent mentioned.)

So you're in a committed relationship with somebody you think's an idiot? I can see why she'd want to hang out with somebody that didn't present that attitude.

3. She thinks her guy "friends" are her true friends. (uhhh... sure)

I agree with you here. It's possible, but not common in my experience -- male friends are often the Boyfriend Reserves.

5. She CANNOT admit or realize that it was her mistake.
I really wish I could be with my gf or even marry her in future. But, the part of her where she can't even see what she did wrong or admit her mistakes just pisses me off. This kind of problems will probably visit me again unless she's willing to open her mind and see her mistakes which probably wont happen. I dont know if I should break up with her or not as of now.

Yeah, that attitude probably isn't going to change without reason. I mean, in her mind she's always right, and doesn't see the problem with going out all night with a male friend she just met -- wouldn't that be wonderful for your WIFE to do? Of course it wouldn't.

We decided that we need to compromise to stay in our relationship and we arranged an agreement list of things when it comes to socializing with the opposite gender. We've listed few things like no "1on1" date like settings, no giving phone numbers, introducing them first and etc. I guess I can be pretty satisfied as long as she acts accordingly. Anything you guys think I should add to the list?

I agree with others who don't think this will work. Now you've set up a bunch of rules on paper which makes your relationship more authoritarian. Besides, why follow those rules? She does what she wants now, so she can just follow your little rules when it suits her and not tell you when she ignores them. That will worry you, so what will you do? Keep tabs on her? Give her a beeper and make her report in? Whether you are or aren't now, then you will be a control freak.

Hey. Here's the question. You may love her... but do you like her? Do you like the treatment you're getting? Does she like how she's treated? Are you willing to treat her the way she wants to be treated, and is she willing to do the same?

Aside, can the guys in this thread think of a time when you'd hang out with a woman from 4:30 p.m. until after midnight if your intention wasn't getting her in the sack? Whether she did anything with the guy or not -- and you'll never hear it from her unless she wants you to know -- how likely is it that she wouldn't know a guy was trying to get with her? Think about the situation here.

Good luck, but it sounds like this is all over but the cryin'.

My suspicion is that she's looking around for something better and the best reaction you can come up with is to drop in a list of rules and such. Or that she has been actively playing the field. Or she wants to get you on your guard. Either way, your lady friend staying out all night with Other Dude is not the problem with your relationship, but it is a symptom of a problem.