YAGT: need advice about my situation with ex-gf

[IHateMyJob2004]

Originally posted by: eakers
quite honestly, its seems to me like she likes your attention and is hanging on until she finds someone new. probabley not on purpose but more out of a comfort/fear thing.

DING DING DING DING DING DING DING

WE HAVE A WINNER!

The ol' BBD. Bigger Beter Deal ... but in this case, you seem to be leading yourself on. Women are usually F'ed i nteh head when it comes to pulling strigns and not eralising it.

 

[IHateMyJob2004]

Originally posted by: ironcrotch

Originally posted by: PaulNEPats
Usually when people break up, it's for a good reason. Why revisit it?

Okay technically we didn't break up, we took a 'break' and never really officially got back together just started seeing each other again, kind of picked up where we left off.

First mistake. Using "labels". Takign a "break" is saying "we broke up"

 

[phreakah]

i cant believe you're putting up w/ her bs and not even getting any

 

[tami]

i agree with the other women in this thread. she definitely isn't mature enough and probably is undecided about what she should do. maybe she's afraid of making a commitment and that's why nothing has really happened for over a year.

in any event, don't be clingy and try to avoid hanging out with her regularly to avoid hurting yourself. when she comes to you, eventually, you need to have that serious talk to determine where you both stand in a relationship. she could very well be looking for another guy while having you for the sweet companionship you have to offer. ultimately, it will hurt you if you continue to give that to her while having the relationship in its "undefined" state -- especially since that's how you see it.

 

[Insomniak]

So you're a sucker and she's using you for f*ckbuddy. What's hard to understand about all this again?

Like someone said, she likes attention, knows you aren't terrible, and you're the rope to swing on until someone better comes along.


Que up Marilyn Manson's "User Friendly" for education.

 

[Sentinel]

it sounds more like a fling than a solid relationship. i say fvck it and move on, she could make you miserable.

 

[91TTZ]

Read the writing on the wall dude. She isn't even considering getting back together with you. She's just clinging on for emotional support until she can find a new boyfriend who does that. Even now she's probably banging other people, there's just no emotional attachment. That's why she still cuddles with you (you're a cuddlebitch), and that's why you haven't been "home" in over a year.

 

[KarenMarie]

1) she wants her cake and eat it too... she wants you there for when she wants safety an security.. until something interesting comes along.

or

2) her ultimate goal is to get married... and she is giving you just enough to make you see what you are missing by not getting married (no sex, but brings up marriage).

See what happens if you are not there to cuddle and be with her for a while... you will see what is really going on by her reaction to your not being readily available.

 

[91TTZ]

Lay down the law. Give her an ultimatum. She can have you, or she can choose someone else. But she's not going to enjoy your company while she's introducing you as the "ex-bf" and banging other guys. Give her the choice.

 

[Insomniak]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
1) she wants her cake and eat it too... she wants you there for when she wants safety an security.. until something interesting comes along.

or

2) her ultimate goal is to get married... and she is giving you just enough to make you see what you are missing by not getting married (no sex, but brings up marriage).

See what happens if you are not there to cuddle and be with her for a while... you will see what is really going on by her reaction to your not being readily available.

If no sex, I doubt she's just after her MRS degree.

 

[dfi]

Advice: move on.

Prediction: OP ignores everyone and does what he wants anyways.

 

[91TTZ]

Originally posted by: dfi
Advice: move on.

Prediction: OP ignores everyone and does what he wants anyways.

QFT

 

[rgwalt]

Keep us updated. We like to live vicariously through other people...

Seriously though, I agree with Karen, though I think it is more likely that the situation is case #1. She probably still loves you, and loves being with you because it feels good having someone to love and someone to love you. However, she isn't ready/willing to commit to being with you exclusively. She probably isn't even looking for someone else, but she is afraid of committing at the age of 22.

You can confront her and give her the choice of being your GF or cutting out all the physical stuff and going back to being friends. OR you can tone your actions WAY back and see how she responds. I bet if you withdraw she will come after you, and you may be able to swing getting laid, if that is what you want.

The two tactics are very different (obviously). Having the conversation is much riskier, as it could drive her away, or even if she commits, she could resent the fact that you forced her into making a decision. On the other hand, it could be just what she needs to snap out of it and grow up. Hearing "make a decision about the status of our relationship, or I walk" could have a big effect on her.

Withdrawing from her could have the desired effect of bringing her closer, but this sort of thing would drive me NUTS. I would constantly analyze everything she said and did, looking for clues. Also, you would have to put yourself in the passive waiting game of letting her come to you to ask for a change in the status of your relationship.

I've used both tactics, and if you can let go and just not care, the second is far more effective. If she really wants you, she'll start chasing YOU, and that is a fantastic thing. Eventually she'll bring up the topic of your relationship, and you'll tell her that if she wants to be your GF, you are fine with that. Be cool, you are the older, more experienced person in this relationship. You can pull this tactic off, if you have the patience. Now, if you withdraw and she does the same, and the passion cools, then it wasn't meant to be and its time to find someone new.

Good luck!

Ryan

 

[91TTZ]

Originally posted by: rgwalt

Seriously though, I agree with Karen, though I think it is more likely that the situation is case #1. She probably still loves you, and loves being with you because it feels good having someone to love and someone to love you. However, she isn't ready/willing to commit to being with you exclusively. She probably isn't even looking for someone else, but she is afraid of committing at the age of 22.

No. She hasn't had sex with him in over a year. They're no longer intimate in the "lovers" kind of way, they're just close in the other ways.

There's a term for that: Cuddlebitch.

 

[2cpuminimum]

Originally posted by: QuitBanningMe
It is over. She likes the attention, likes you, and is killing time until she meets somebody else.

dangit now I want a cookie, and I'm out of regular flour.

Anyways I doubt she even knows what she wants but if she said "take a break", 98% sure the only word you should have heard was "break" as in up. There was probably a reason at the time, and it probably hasn't changed.

 

[QuitBanningMe]

Originally posted by: 91TTZ

Originally posted by: rgwalt

Seriously though, I agree with Karen, though I think it is more likely that the situation is case #1. She probably still loves you, and loves being with you because it feels good having someone to love and someone to love you. However, she isn't ready/willing to commit to being with you exclusively. She probably isn't even looking for someone else, but she is afraid of committing at the age of 22.

No. She hasn't had sex with him in over a year. They're no longer intimate in the "lovers" kind of way, they're just close in the other ways.

There's a term for that: Cuddlebitch.

Exactly.

 

[hysperion]

In Soviet Russia cuddlebitches control you!

 

[ironcrotch]

Okay I see everyone's point. And I'm well aware of it.

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
See what happens if you are not there to cuddle and be with her for a while... you will see what is really going on by her reaction to your not being readily available.

I've tried pulling away and stop talking and hanging out with her to test the waters with her. And usually I notice she starts calling more and becoming the 'crazy' one in the relationship. There have been instances where one of my friends will call me and tell me that they have talked to her and she was worried that I had gotten another gf cuz we were hanging out and talking less... confused? me too.

Originally posted by: phreakah
i cant believe you're putting up w/ her bs and not even getting any

that is cuz apparently I'm a sucker in love that needs to grow a pair of hairy balls

Originally posted by: tami
i agree with the other women in this thread. she definitely isn't mature enough and probably is undecided about what she should do. maybe she's afraid of making a commitment and that's why nothing has really happened for over a year.

thanks for the words Tami. And I whole heartedly agree, I myself at sometimes am not mature enough in some respects for commitment. and I can see what you say about her being afraid.

Originally posted by: 91TTZ
Read the writing on the wall dude. She isn't even considering getting back together with you. She's just clinging on for emotional support until she can find a new boyfriend who does that. Even now she's probably banging other people, there's just no emotional attachment. That's why she still cuddles with you (you're a cuddlebitch), and that's why you haven't been "home" in over a year.

okay I get it, can i get a new custom title as cuddle-bitch then? haha.. but I know that might be the hard truth, its a common line that everyone says that she is just waiting for something better to come along, I just hope its not the case. I seriously don't think she's banging other dudes, I definitely would not be in this situation if there was that much doubt. I'm only in this predicament because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, although there might be wool over my eyes.

 

[Safeway]

Good luck.

 

[ironcrotch]

Originally posted by: Insomniak

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
1) she wants her cake and eat it too... she wants you there for when she wants safety an security.. until something interesting comes along.

or

2) her ultimate goal is to get married... and she is giving you just enough to make you see what you are missing by not getting married (no sex, but brings up marriage).


If no sex, I doubt she's just after her MRS degree.

Thanks for the two scenarios Karen, and I like to hope that its #2. But reality sucks sometimes and I'm just so unsure about it all.

Originally posted by: dfi
Advice: move on.

Prediction: OP ignores everyone and does what he wants anyways.

Well as much as I try to explain the situation, you guys can only get a certain glimpse of what its truly like. Although I love ATs advice and will take it all too heart Actually I like just getting the crap beating me down out in the open. That way I can see things from different angles that I normally wouldn't see.

 

[ironcrotch]

Originally posted by: Safeway
Good luck.

thanks! :beer:

 

[ironcrotch]

Originally posted by: 91TTZ

Originally posted by: rgwalt

Seriously though, I agree with Karen, though I think it is more likely that the situation is case #1. She probably still loves you, and loves being with you because it feels good having someone to love and someone to love you. However, she isn't ready/willing to commit to being with you exclusively. She probably isn't even looking for someone else, but she is afraid of committing at the age of 22.

No. She hasn't had sex with him in over a year. They're no longer intimate in the "lovers" kind of way, they're just close in the other ways.

There's a term for that: Cuddlebitch.

Okay okay, I'm a cuddlebitch, but thats more lovin than most AT'ers get! didn't make me feel better.

Originally posted by: rgwalt
Keep us updated. We like to live vicariously through other people...

The two tactics are very different (obviously). Having the conversation is much riskier, as it could drive her away, or even if she commits, she could resent the fact that you forced her into making a decision. On the other hand, it could be just what she needs to snap out of it and grow up. Hearing "make a decision about the status of our relationship, or I walk" could have a big effect on her.

Withdrawing from her could have the desired effect of bringing her closer, but this sort of thing would drive me NUTS. I would constantly analyze everything she said and did, looking for clues. Also, you would have to put yourself in the passive waiting game of letting her come to you to ask for a change in the status of your relationship.

I've used both tactics, and if you can let go and just not care, the second is far more effective. If she really wants you, she'll start chasing YOU, and that is a fantastic thing. Eventually she'll bring up the topic of your relationship, and you'll tell her that if she wants to be your GF, you are fine with that. Be cool, you are the older, more experienced person in this relationship. You can pull this tactic off, if you have the patience. Now, if you withdraw and she does the same, and the passion cools, then it wasn't meant to be and its time to find someone new.

Ryan has some good points, thanks for those, man. :beer: I've tried doing the withdrawing and it does bring her closer. And this whole situation does drive me nuts, and analyzing everything, noticing who she talks too, talking to friends about things, paying close attention to how she behaves around me, how she behave around other guys, or even the emoticons she uses while online, I've been doing a lot lately.

I just don't want to cross into the realm of teh psycho exbf, but going through this I can definitely see how someone can let themselves over that edge into insanity.

But I'm not one to put up and ultimatum, cuz I normally dispise the ultimatum. But after we originally broke up I tried to give her an ultimatum and she told me to move on, and so I stopped talking to her, but 3 months after we were back talking and seeing each other again.

 

[ironcrotch]

Originally posted by: 2cpuminimum

Originally posted by: QuitBanningMe
It is over. She likes the attention, likes you, and is killing time until she meets somebody else.

dangit now I want a cookie, and I'm out of regular flour.

Anyways I doubt she even knows what she wants but if she said "take a break", 98% sure the only word you should have heard was "break" as in up. There was probably a reason at the time, and it probably hasn't changed.

Very true, if thats the case then she still is afraid of commitment and doesn't know what she wants.

 

[OneOfTheseDays]

First off, let me say you are a brave soul for posting in OT. This is quite a hostile environment, especially for YAGT threads.

I believe you already know what's going to happen in your heart if you give her the ultimatum. She is going to walk, and your afraid of that happening because you love her so much. But realize that you can never be truly happy unless this girl loves you back equally. From her actions, she clearly does not and you need to wake up and realize that. The only way out of this mess is to just break away. Let her know what you want, and where you stand, and tell her to make a decision. Say to her "XXX I love you so much, but I just can't deal with how things are anymore. I want more out of our relationship, and I want to see things heading somewhere. I've been very patient with you and I deserve an answer as to where I stand with you. Take as much time as you need, but don't contact me again until you have an answer". This way you walk away with some dignity, and can make a clean break if needed.

 

[dfi]

Originally posted by: ironcrotch

Originally posted by: Insomniak

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
1) she wants her cake and eat it too... she wants you there for when she wants safety an security.. until something interesting comes along.

or

2) her ultimate goal is to get married... and she is giving you just enough to make you see what you are missing by not getting married (no sex, but brings up marriage).


If no sex, I doubt she's just after her MRS degree.

Thanks for the two scenarios Karen, and I like to hope that its #2. But reality sucks sometimes and I'm just so unsure about it all.

Originally posted by: dfi
Advice: move on.

Prediction: OP ignores everyone and does what he wants anyways.

Well as much as I try to explain the situation, you guys can only get a certain glimpse of what its truly like. Although I love ATs advice and will take it all too heart Actually I like just getting the crap beating me down out in the open. That way I can see things from different angles that I normally wouldn't see.

We might yet save him from the succubus...