YAGT: need advice about my situation with ex-gf

[sumrtym]

Unequal relationships like this where you're chasing the gal (and there are women out there who love that...speak up women in the thread, you know I'm right!) are very unhealthy. However, I know you're not going to take that statement to heart.

The pull back thing is good, and glad you went that route. The "talk" wouldn't have done anything.

You know, my grandfather gave me advice when I was young (what am I saying....younger!!!!). I thought he was nuts at the time, but as I get older, I see to a large degree it was true. And I quote:

"Tell them you love them and show them you don't." You saw how doing it the other way started backfiring, and now that you're doing this a bit more, you're seeing it pay off.

Good luck, but if SHE doesn't approach you directly about becoming a couple as you stop chasing her after a reasonable amount of time (few months), then it's time to move on. She has to be the one to make this move, as if you do it, you'll be back where you are now before long, even if she says yes.

Dang, I should have got a psych degree rather than engineering. Either that or you really DO get wiser the older you get? (who would have thought that?)

 

[olds]

Originally posted by: eakers
quite honestly, its seems to me like she likes your attention and is hanging on until she finds someone new. probabley not on purpose but more out of a comfort/fear thing.

QFT

 

[montanafan]

No one really understands the dynamics in a relationship between two other people, so having said that, this is what I get out of what you've told us.

She care about you, but isn't crazy in love with you. She thinks you're a great guy and loves having you around, but not all the time because she's only 22 and enjoying being young and single and hanging out with her friends and exploring all the possibilities. She is not ready or willing to be in a committed relationship with anyone, but doesn't want to lose one of those possibilities, you.

She knows that you want something more serious and comments like the one about the wedding are her way of making sure that you still do under the current circumstances because she doesn't want to lose you, but she avoids talking about your relationship because that would force her to choose you or lose you and she's just not ready to make what would feel to her like a lifestyle changing choice.

I believe that if you decide to give her an ultimatum she will tell you to move on because she is not ready to take that step in her life with anyone, and because she knows the way you feel about her, she will hope that you will still be a possibility later on when she is ready even if you break up "for good" now.

I know it's really really rough when you're in a relationship where both people are at different stages in their lives and expectations, but you have to realize that that is where the problem lies.

 

[gigapet]

move on.


if she wants you she will do everything in her power to get you back.

 

[Battleangel3222]

I didnt read more than thre first post, But I will say dont go through the BS of getting married if there are obvious reasons not to. Example: Obvious things that consistantly annoy the fvck out of you....This can be anything from habits to bitching to anything.....You have to ask, is that something I can put up with for my entire fvcking life? This is of course, assuming you get back together. My advice if you have this much to complain about: Move on.

 

[Night201]

Originally posted by: ironcrotch

Originally posted by: PaulNEPats
Usually when people break up, it's for a good reason. Why revisit it?

Okay technically we didn't break up, we took a 'break' and never really officially got back together just started seeing each other again, kind of picked up where we left off.

Similar thing happened to my gf and me. I'll speak with you more later, but trust me - you're broken up.

Long story short: We're back together and everything is great!

 

[ironcrotch]

Originally posted by: sumrtym
Unequal relationships like this where you're chasing the gal (and there are women out there who love that...speak up women in the thread, you know I'm right!) are very unhealthy. However, I know you're not going to take that statement to heart.

The pull back thing is good, and glad you went that route. The "talk" wouldn't have done anything.

You know, my grandfather gave me advice when I was young (what am I saying....younger!!!!). I thought he was nuts at the time, but as I get older, I see to a large degree it was true. And I quote:

"Tell them you love them and show them you don't." You saw how doing it the other way started backfiring, and now that you're doing this a bit more, you're seeing it pay off.

Good luck, but if SHE doesn't approach you directly about becoming a couple as you stop chasing her after a reasonable amount of time (few months), then it's time to move on. She has to be the one to make this move, as if you do it, you'll be back where you are now before long, even if she says yes.

Dang, I should have got a psych degree rather than engineering. Either that or you really DO get wiser the older you get? (who would have thought that?)

Thanks for the quote, I'll definitely take what everyone says and take it all too heart. I mean, I asked for some advice, right? Anyway, I see what you say about unequal relationships being unhealthy, but normally she is doing an equal amount of holding on as much as I am. It's just lately that I have been going nuts about wanting to move forward, into something more solid. So I guess you're right, at this point it is an unequal situation.

 

[ironcrotch]

Originally posted by: montanafan
No one really understands the dynamics in a relationship between two other people, so having said that, this is what I get out of what you've told us.

She care about you, but isn't crazy in love with you. She thinks you're a great guy and loves having you around, but not all the time because she's only 22 and enjoying being young and single and hanging out with her friends and exploring all the possibilities. She is not ready or willing to be in a committed relationship with anyone, but doesn't want to lose one of those possibilities, you.

She knows that you want something more serious and comments like the one about the wedding are her way of making sure that you still do under the current circumstances because she doesn't want to lose you, but she avoids talking about your relationship because that would force her to choose you or lose you and she's just not ready to make what would feel to her like a lifestyle changing choice.

I believe that if you decide to give her an ultimatum she will tell you to move on because she is not ready to take that step in her life with anyone, and because she knows the way you feel about her, she will hope that you will still be a possibility later on when she is ready even if you break up "for good" now.

I know it's really really rough when you're in a relationship where both people are at different stages in their lives and expectations, but you have to realize that that is where the problem lies.

Wow, thanks montanafan! :beer: Your post really made sense to me and feels like it really hits home. I definitely do not want to give her the 'ultimatum' because I personally hate those and really don't want to put her into that situation.

And we are for sure at different stages in our life, and that is the main reason why we broke up in the first place. She wasn't 'ready' for the commitment, as she felt she was too young to be in a relationship like we were in, and I know that this reasoning probably hasn't changed. I'm pretty sure she is afraid to lose me, and I am just as afraid, I just kind of need to decide what I want/need to do. Thanks for your insightfulness!

 

[PingSpike]

My gut says whatever route you take, you're not going to get the results you want. If you play your cards right you could probably have sex with her, but I just don't think the pieces are there to put together the LTR puzzle. If you really want that, I'd dump her (really dump her) and tell her to come back when she gets done growing up.

Some good advice in this thread...maybe he can jar her into figuring out what the hell she's doing...but I think only some alone time without you as a security blanket will get her to grow up.

 

[stag3]

Originally posted by: eakers
quite honestly, its seems to me like she likes your attention and is hanging on until she finds someone new. probabley not on purpose but more out of a comfort/fear thing.

you're doing all the bf duties until she finds a new man. i think if she still felt the same way about you, that you do of her, you'd still be hitting home runs, not just triples now and then.

 

[iroast]

Originally posted by: montanafan
No one really understands the dynamics in a relationship between two other people, so having said that, this is what I get out of what you've told us.

She care about you, but isn't crazy in love with you. She thinks you're a great guy and loves having you around, but not all the time because she's only 22 and enjoying being young and single and hanging out with her friends and exploring all the possibilities. She is not ready or willing to be in a committed relationship with anyone, but doesn't want to lose one of those possibilities, you.

She knows that you want something more serious and comments like the one about the wedding are her way of making sure that you still do under the current circumstances because she doesn't want to lose you, but she avoids talking about your relationship because that would force her to choose you or lose you and she's just not ready to make what would feel to her like a lifestyle changing choice.

I believe that if you decide to give her an ultimatum she will tell you to move on because she is not ready to take that step in her life with anyone, and because she knows the way you feel about her, she will hope that you will still be a possibility later on when she is ready even if you break up "for good" now.

I know it's really really rough when you're in a relationship where both people are at different stages in their lives and expectations, but you have to realize that that is where the problem lies.

Move on.

 

[ggnl]

I've been in your situation before, and I know how hard it can be to let go (for both of you). There's already been some very good advice given in this thread, so all I have to say is don't put too much stock the relationship, because it could be over in the blink of an eye.

You don't have many options at this point. Any attempts to force her to commit to you will probably only drive you apart. As is usually the case in situations like this, it seems like she values her independence more than she values your relationship. Until she has a change of heart there is not much hope of you guys resuming a normal, committed relationship. Just don't be suprised if she keeps you waiting a very long time.

Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should probably put some distance between you and her. You can stay good friends with her in hopes of keeping the spark alive, but never forget that your options are open. And for fvcks sake don't consider her your girlfriend if she doesn't think the same of you. You're just setting yourself up for a fall.

 

[jcuadrado]

Originally posted by: Pacfanweb
Sounds like to me you're an emotional tampon for her. The dreaded cuddle-bitch.

Sorry, but that's the way it looks to me, especially given both your ages.

The best advice you can get is this: Ignore her. Blow her off. Avoid her. Act a bit like you really could care less.
She'll either get really interested quickly, or you'll find that you really are just that emotional tampon.

bingo...this guys knows what he's saying. If she introduced you as the "ex"..then guess what..you're the "ex"...act like the "ex" then...do your own thing..don't report to her...if she's sincerely interested she'll come back to you...and in the meantime who knows you might just meet someone else....that's ok too..

Alot of people find it ok to be friends with ex's...I don't..being civil is one thing but hanging out with the same people...meeting up at the same places will almost always end up getting someone hurt emotionally..

 

[FinalFantasy]

Originally posted by: eakers
quite honestly, its seems to me like she likes your attention and is hanging on until she finds someone new. probabley not on purpose but more out of a comfort/fear thing.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What he said.

BTW...i'm in the same situation bro. Just broke up with my gf of two years and we've just started hanging out and all that "good stuff" 2-2.5 months after our break up. She shows up at the places I go to with mutual friends. She'll tell me she's still in love with me, friends still consider us a couple etc etc. Really it's kinda hard to admit it, but if you ever talk to anybody who has been through this type of thing before they'll just tell you the same thing this guy said. And girls don't do it purposely, their just vunerable and they'll hang on to whats familiar to them and what makes them fell "loved".

But the biggest thing is once she finds someone else that can make her fell "loved", then she might just phase you out the picture bro. Hopefully everything works out, but just be prepared for it. Just let your focus be on being "good friends", because that's what a "relationship" is anyway.

 

[VoteQuimby]

I know its hard to let her go because you've been together for so long but there are other people out there. Marriage should be the last thing on your mind if she's stringing you along like that. Many times people think that marriage will make things better but they only get worse.

 

[hzl eyed grl]

Originally posted by: Landroval
I'd sit her down and be direct. Don't propose, but see what she thinks your status is and what she wants it to be. If she gives you a wishy-washy answer I would withdraw a little and try to lessen the attachment. But it's better to know rather than assume. Good luck!

I agree. To me, I didn't consider to be bf/gf unless it was said, because if we weren't together, I was free to see whomever I pleased. However, when I did know we were really together, I wouldn't ever see any one else. I guess my point is that you seem really into her and if, indeed, you want to further the relationship, you really need to sit down and talk with her. Communication is one of the most important parts in a relationship. If you two can't communicate, you're doomed from the beginning.

Good luck.

 

[hzl eyed grl]

Originally posted by: FinalFantasy

Originally posted by: eakers
quite honestly, its seems to me like she likes your attention and is hanging on until she finds someone new. probabley not on purpose but more out of a comfort/fear thing.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What he said.

BTW...i'm in the same situation bro. Just broke up with my gf of two years and we've just started hanging out and all that "good stuff" 2-2.5 months after our break up. She shows up at the places I go to with mutual friends. She'll tell me she's still in love with me, friends still consider us a couple etc etc. Really it's kinda hard to admit it, but if you ever talk to anybody who has been through this type of thing before they'll just tell you the same thing this guy said. And girls don't do it purposely, their just vunerable and they'll hang on to whats familiar to them and what makes them fell "loved".

But the biggest thing is once she finds someone else that can make her fell "loved", then she might just phase you out the picture bro. Hopefully everything works out, but just be prepared for it. Just let your focus be on being "good friends", because that's what a "relationship" is anyway.

HE?! hahaha Kat is a he! LMAO

Sorry. eakers is a she.

 

[Insomniak]

Originally posted by: Insomniak
So you're a sucker and she's using you for f*ckbuddy. What's hard to understand about all this again?

Like someone said, she likes attention, knows you aren't terrible, and you're the rope to swing on until someone better comes along.


Que up Marilyn Manson's "User Friendly" for education.

This guy is so right.

 

[kingshoc]

move on

 

[Nutdotnet]

Dude...you just don't f***ing get it.

You're a bitch. You're her bitch. You're pvssywhipped and you're not even getting any.

Look, I know how you feel, I've been there myself. She doesn't want you anymore, no matter what she may say. You've said it yourself: if you quit paying attention to her she starts wondering "what's up". Once you start paying attention she backs off.

She's a child. She's using you as a crutch until she finds something better. And she will find something better. The next man that she's into but plays "hard to get" she'll be all over. She likes the game more then the actual relationship. She wants to be fawned over and she wants attention, but once she gets what she wants she becomes disinterested.

I will bet you all the money I have that this does not work out the way you want it to. The relationship is done, through, over, blah...blah...blah. The best thing you can do is find a new girl to be a bitch with until she gets sick of you and moves on.

You're not going to listen to a damn thing I say I know. You're only going to listen to the advice and comments by people that say what you want to hear and ignore the rest. But don't come crying back here when it blows up in your face.

 

[yoda291]

Originally posted by: hzl eyed grl

Originally posted by: FinalFantasy

Originally posted by: eakers
quite honestly, its seems to me like she likes your attention and is hanging on until she finds someone new. probabley not on purpose but more out of a comfort/fear thing.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What he said.

BTW...i'm in the same situation bro. Just broke up with my gf of two years and we've just started hanging out and all that "good stuff" 2-2.5 months after our break up. She shows up at the places I go to with mutual friends. She'll tell me she's still in love with me, friends still consider us a couple etc etc. Really it's kinda hard to admit it, but if you ever talk to anybody who has been through this type of thing before they'll just tell you the same thing this guy said. And girls don't do it purposely, their just vunerable and they'll hang on to whats familiar to them and what makes them fell "loved".

But the biggest thing is once she finds someone else that can make her fell "loved", then she might just phase you out the picture bro. Hopefully everything works out, but just be prepared for it. Just let your focus be on being "good friends", because that's what a "relationship" is anyway.

HE?! hahaha Kat is a he! LMAO

Sorry. eakers is a she.

until she comes in for a physical, I'm afraid I can't confirm nor can I support that statement.

 

[OneOfTheseDays]

i gotta agree with nutdotnet on this one. this relationship is over. you will not listen to any of our advice. you will drag this on until she gets so sick of you she is forced to tell you that she doesn't want to see you anymore. that is the sad reality, you were just one of possibly many guys she will be seeing. be glad you had good memories, learn from your mistakes and find someone else who doesn't play games. don't be an idiot, everyone here who gives advice has been in your shoes.

 

[FinalFantasy]

There's a simple solution to this. Just use her as a booty call/friend you hang out with. Don't invest any feelings into the "relationship", you're just setting yourself up to get hurt. Keep things as you would any other normal female friend and eventually IF SHE wants to get back together and you feel like it then do it...but another problem for you is she's not giving it up...which means that she's probably giving it up to someone else? ...and can you handle that if she is? Plus you're too young to be stuck on one girl man...explore and date other women. She's not the only girl with a damp spot between her legs.

Just go about things as if you're expecting not to get back together with her...EVER...have as much fun as you can with the time you spend with her as "friends" and don't worry about anything else...and if you can't handle that, then just break it off.

 

[Fritzo]

Originally posted by: eakers
quite honestly, its seems to me like she likes your attention and is hanging on until she finds someone new. probabley not on purpose but more out of a comfort/fear thing.

Yep.