YAGT: bought the ring, but having doubts...wtf?

[doiloveher]

some background info...

i post on these forums under a different name, but just incase she could somehow get wind of this thread, i dont want people to know who i am. i know i am breaking the rules but this is serious and i need advice from a lot of people. what better place to go?

we are out of college and have been dating for a little over 3 years. everything up to this point has been absolutely perfect. we have fun together, share tons of interests, make each other laugh, and we are considerate of each others feelings even when we do have arguements. i couldnt ask for a better relationship.

so i went to go buy the ring, found the one she would love (i knew instantly which one it was, but i kept shopping at several stores even though i eventually bought the first one i loved) and started to get ready to ask her next month. then all of a sudden i got this feeling last week that i wasnt sure if this was the right decision.

we tell each other we love one another all the time and ive always thought i knew exactly what that meant. it hit me the other day, though, that im not sure if i do. i really care about her and i love all aspects of our relationship - the talking, hugging, kissing, and all the other girly crap that you can only do with the woman you supposedly love - but does that mean i really love her?

i am confused and it freaks me out that i could go from strongly knowing my feelings for her to having doubts in a matter of days. someone please tell me if this is normal or it is a warning sign. her parents get along fine with me, my family gets along fine with her, and people say we are a good couple, so i have no idea what the problem is.

please, help me.

 

[Accipiter22]

Originally posted by: doiloveher
some background info...

i post on these forums under a different name, but just incase she could somehow get wind of this thread, i dont want people to know who i am. i know i am breaking the rules but this is serious and i need advice from a lot of people. what better place to go?

we are out of college and have been dating for a little over 3 years. everything up to this point has been absolutely perfect. we have fun together, share tons of interests, make each other laugh, and we are considerate of each others feelings even when we do have arguements. i couldnt ask for a better relationship.

so i went to go buy the ring, found the one she would love (i knew instantly which one it was, but i kept shopping at several stores even though i eventually bought the first one i loved) and started to get ready to ask her next month. then all of a sudden i got this feeling last week that i wasnt sure if this was the right decision.

we tell each other we love one another all the time and ive always thought i knew exactly what that meant. it hit me the other day, though, that im not sure if i do. i really care about her and i love all aspects of our relationship - the talking, hugging, kissing, and all the other girly crap that you can only do with the woman you supposedly love - but does that mean i really love her?

i am confused and it freaks me out that i could go from strongly knowing my feelings for her to having doubts in a matter of days. someone please tell me if this is normal or it is a warning sign. her parents get along fine with me, my family gets along fine with her, and people say we are a good couple, so i have no idea what the problem is.

please, help me.

what are you looking for in a relationship, sounds like you have everything you want. Are you just petrified of being with this person, indefinetly, whereas when you're dating, even if you don't want a way out, you'd still have it if needed?

 

[pontifex]

Originally posted by: doiloveher
some background info...

i post on these forums under a different name, but just incase she could somehow get wind of this thread, i dont want people to know who i am. i know i am breaking the rules but this is serious and i need advice from a lot of people. what better place to go?

we are out of college and have been dating for a little over 3 years. everything up to this point has been absolutely perfect. we have fun together, share tons of interests, make each other laugh, and we are considerate of each others feelings even when we do have arguements. i couldnt ask for a better relationship.

so i went to go buy the ring, found the one she would love (i knew instantly which one it was, but i kept shopping at several stores even though i eventually bought the first one i loved) and started to get ready to ask her next month. then all of a sudden i got this feeling last week that i wasnt sure if this was the right decision.

we tell each other we love one another all the time and ive always thought i knew exactly what that meant. it hit me the other day, though, that im not sure if i do. i really care about her and i love all aspects of our relationship - the talking, hugging, kissing, and all the other girly crap that you can only do with the woman you supposedly love - but does that mean i really love her?

i am confused and it freaks me out that i could go from strongly knowing my feelings for her to having doubts in a matter of days. someone please tell me if this is normal or it is a warning sign. her parents get along fine with me, my family gets along fine with her, and people say we are a good couple, so i have no idea what the problem is.

please, help me.

you do know you're on ATOT right? because I don't think you realize what you just said.

 

[Patt]

Shame on you for creating another user. My advice is to be honest with yourself. Everyone gets cold feet, but if it is more than that, listen to yourself.

 

[doiloveher]

Originally posted by: pontifex

Originally posted by: doiloveher
some background info...

i post on these forums under a different name, but just incase she could somehow get wind of this thread, i dont want people to know who i am. i know i am breaking the rules but this is serious and i need advice from a lot of people. what better place to go?

we are out of college and have been dating for a little over 3 years. everything up to this point has been absolutely perfect. we have fun together, share tons of interests, make each other laugh, and we are considerate of each others feelings even when we do have arguements. i couldnt ask for a better relationship.

so i went to go buy the ring, found the one she would love (i knew instantly which one it was, but i kept shopping at several stores even though i eventually bought the first one i loved) and started to get ready to ask her next month. then all of a sudden i got this feeling last week that i wasnt sure if this was the right decision.

we tell each other we love one another all the time and ive always thought i knew exactly what that meant. it hit me the other day, though, that im not sure if i do. i really care about her and i love all aspects of our relationship - the talking, hugging, kissing, and all the other girly crap that you can only do with the woman you supposedly love - but does that mean i really love her?

i am confused and it freaks me out that i could go from strongly knowing my feelings for her to having doubts in a matter of days. someone please tell me if this is normal or it is a warning sign. her parents get along fine with me, my family gets along fine with her, and people say we are a good couple, so i have no idea what the problem is.

please, help me.

you do know you're on ATOT right? because I don't think you realize what you just said.

there is a lot of helpful advice on these forums. i know exactly what i said. look at the first reply. if people want to be serious here they can be and several people will be very helpful...just waiting for them to chime in. please contribute if you have anything helpful to say.

 

[DeadByDawn]

I think a little hesistation is normal. What are your/her long term goals. What do you both want out of life? Where do you want to end up living? Do you want kids, etc.. Those are the big things to look at that may or may not cause problems years down the road and determine your compatibility.

 

[doiloveher]

Originally posted by: Accipiter22

what are you looking for in a relationship, sounds like you have everything you want. Are you just petrified of being with this person, indefinetly, whereas when you're dating, even if you don't want a way out, you'd still have it if needed?

thats the thing...i thought i knew last week that this is exactly what i wanted. i dont lust for more money or more things, and neither does she...all we have ever wanted was to be with each other and that was perfect. i dont understand these feelings.

i dont think i am scared to be with her for the rest of my life since she is, to me, the perfect mate.

 

[mrrman]

I say to follow your gut instinct...if something is telling you it isnt right, then it isnt

 

[swtethan]

looks like you just have the jitters, just do it!

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: Patt
Shame on you for creating another user. My advice is to be honest with yourself. Everyone gets cold feet, but if it is more than that, listen to yourself.

I thought mulitple aliases were a non-no. Just look what happened to Jennifer garner. It took 4 or fives seasons but they eventually caught her...

 

[doiloveher]

Originally posted by: DeadByDawn
I think a little hesistation is normal. What are your/her long term goals. What do you both want out of life? Where do you want to end up living? Do you want kids, etc.. Those are the big things to look at that may or may not cause problems years down the road and determine your compatibility.

our long term goals do not conflict at all. the things i want and the things she wants are all attainable which is a lot of the reason we have worked so well together for this long. we want kids just not now and that feeling is mutual. we both want to live wherever will be beneficial for both of us...no where in particular. im not opposed to moving wherever we have to go for her to be happy and im pretty sure she feels the same way.

 

[daveymark]

If there's any doubt, don't do it. I say this from experience. This is the one time you should listen to your gut, not your heart. There's nothing wrong with postponing the proposal.

 

[DeadByDawn]

Originally posted by: doiloveher

Originally posted by: DeadByDawn
I think a little hesistation is normal. What are your/her long term goals. What do you both want out of life? Where do you want to end up living? Do you want kids, etc.. Those are the big things to look at that may or may not cause problems years down the road and determine your compatibility.

our long term goals do not conflict at all. the things i want and the things she wants are all attainable which is a lot of the reason we have worked so well together for this long. we want kids just not now and that feeling is mutual. we both want to live wherever will be beneficial for both of us...no where in particular. im not opposed to moving wherever we have to go for her to be happy and im pretty sure she feels the same way.

Get married then!

 

[doiloveher]

Originally posted by: MaxDepth

Originally posted by: Patt
Shame on you for creating another user. My advice is to be honest with yourself. Everyone gets cold feet, but if it is more than that, listen to yourself.

I thought mulitple aliases were a non-no. Just look what happened to Jennifer garner. It took 4 or fives seasons but they eventually caught her...

i addressed that in my first post. i actually said i know it is against the rules, but thanks.

 

[doiloveher]

Originally posted by: daveymark
If there's any doubt, don't do it. I say this from experience. This is the one time you should listen to your gut, not your heart.

but how do i know it is actually doubt? i called it that but it may not be the right word. everything seems perfect so i cant tell if it is just jitters or what. i trust your experience and appreciate the wisdom, but before i return the ring and listen to my gut i need you guys to help me figure out if this is actually a doubt instead of me just being an idiot for some reason.

 

[mooglekit]

Originally posted by: doiloveher
thats the thing...i thought i knew last week that this is exactly what i wanted. i dont lust for more money or more things, and neither does she...all we have ever wanted was to be with each other and that was perfect. i dont understand these feelings.

i dont think i am scared to be with her for the rest of my life since she is, to me, the perfect mate.

Well, seems to me you've found someone you'd love to spend the rest of your life with. I think it's pretty normal with any decision this big to have a few thoughful (jittery) moments.

 

[daveymark]

Originally posted by: mooglekit

Originally posted by: doiloveher
thats the thing...i thought i knew last week that this is exactly what i wanted. i dont lust for more money or more things, and neither does she...all we have ever wanted was to be with each other and that was perfect. i dont understand these feelings.

i dont think i am scared to be with her for the rest of my life since she is, to me, the perfect mate.

Well, seems to me you've found someone you'd love to spend the rest of your life with. I think it's pretty normal with any decision this big to have a few thoughful (jittery) moments.

maybe before the wedding, not before the proposal. That's jumping the gun a little too much.

 

[DaShen]

It is natural for the guy to go through this. I had a roommate who had dated a girl in High School, mutually broke it off for college and then got back together. When he got the ring, he had a lot of things on his mind, too. What it boils down to is if you are willing to be faithful to her and spend the rest of your lives together? Hard to answer question. Now an easier one, is she worth it? Would you make each other happy married? Would you be proactive in making the marriage work?

Love is such a transient thing and word. To many nowadays, it means the emotional state between two people. This is not true. Love is an action, a state of being in relation to the person "loved". The emotion is a natural effect of that action. If you are willing to be actively involved in your marriage/engagement, and she is worth it, then you love her. If it is more than questions, i.e. you are unwilling to be loyal and faithful to her, and wouldn't be active in the marriage, then don't do it.

Oh BTW a person almost never falls out of being worth it. If they are worth it, then they remain worth it. In the case of Andrea Yates though, I am unsure if she was ever really worth marrying.

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: doiloveher

but how do i know it is actually doubt? i called it that but it may not be the right word. everything seems perfect so i cant tell if it is just jitters or what. i trust your experience and appreciate the wisdom, but before i return the ring and listen to my gut i need you guys to help me figure out if this is actually a doubt instead of me just being an idiot for some reason.

Reread this post over and over.

If you can't let yourself be happy, no one on here is going to be able to change that.

 

[swtethan]

who the heck doesnt have jitters before anything?

 

[Syrch]

I honestly think that you are have jitters. I know for a fact that when i get to the point you are at I would be going through the same thing and my mind would be driving me crazy. There is really only one thing you need to listen to right now and thats your heart. If your heart deep down feels like theres something that isn't right about the situation then its probably not right. If your mind is the only thing telling you that its not right then its just jitters and you second guessing yourself which is 100% natural and I wouldn't worry about. What you need to do is sit in a quite room and get as relaxed as you possibly can be. Maybe in the bath, maybe with a candle who knows, whatever makes you most relaxed. And just sit there listening to your heart and feel what it feels. Block out what your head is saying and listen to your soul, your heart. That is my advice.

 

[HomeAppraiser]

WISE to create another user name before posting any YAGT or YAET!!!

I had the same feelings three months before my wedding. Women are emotional and go with the whole big wedding dream. Guys tend to be more logical and think of marrage as flying an airplane for the first time. "Did I forget anything? Is this going to stay up in the air?" etc. You need to run a pre-flight check list.

So to calm yourself ask "Do you you love her? Does she love you? Are you the type of person that could make a lifetime commitment? Is she the same type of person?" You'll be fine.

<--Married 12 years this month. Oh sh!t, what is the 12 year anniversary present?

 

[lokiju]

Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?


Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life WITHOUT her?


I had doubts before proposing to my now fiancee also, it was like a little panic that would jump into my stomach and give me doubts but then it came down to my thinking of the above questions and KNOWING that I cannot picture myself with anyone in the world other than her for the rest of my life and that got rid of those doubts that kept churning my stomach prior to asking her to marry me.

Hope that helps.

 

[swtethan]

Originally posted by: HomeAppraiser
WISE to create another user name before posting any YAGT or YAET!!!

I had the same feelings three months before my wedding. Women are emotional and go with the whole big wedding dream. Guys tend to be more logical and think of marrage as flying an airplane for the first time. "Did I forget anything? Is this going to stay up in the air?" etc. You need to run a pre-flight check list.

So to calm yourself ask "Do you you love her? Does she love you? Are you the type of person that could make a lifetime commitment? Is she the same type of person?" You'll be fine.

<--Married 12 years this month. Oh sh!t, what is the 12 year anniversary present?

1st - First - Paper
2nd - Second - Cotton
3rd - Third - Leather
4th - Fourth - Fruit/Flowers
5th - Fifth - Wood
6th - Sixth - Candy/Iron
7th - Seventh - Wool/Copper
8th - Eighth - Bronze/Pottery
9th - Ninth - Pottery/Willow
10th - Tenth - Tin/Aluminium
11th - Eleventh - Steel
12th - Twelfth - Silk/Linen
13th - Thirteenth - Lace
14th - Fourteenth - Ivory
15th - Fifteenth - Crystal
20th - Twentieth - China
25th - Twenty-Fifth - Silver
30th - Thirtieth - Pearl
35th - Thirty-Fifth - Coral
40th - Fortieth - Ruby
45th - Forty-Fifth - Sapphire
50th - Fiftieth - Gold
55th - Fifty-fifth - Emerald
60th - Sixtieth - Diamond

 

[shimsham]

make sure youre settled before you propose. nothing wrong with being nervous, but if youre second guessing yourself, then you better wait until you have no doubts. dont waste everyones time and emotions by proposing if youre not 110% sure it the right decision for you.

the only thing you should be nervous about before your wedding is making sure you dont goof up and look stupid. if youre still sweating whether you should make that type of commitment, you shouldnt have proposed in the first place.

if shes all those things to you, then i dont see what youre freaking out about. thats what you should be looking for, and you found it, so what are you supposed to do? unless you just dont want to get married at all.