YAGT: Am I right to feel weird about this?

[NutBucket]

Originally posted by: Brutuskend

"maybe those guys should get dates that don't have girlfriends).

Now I'm just confused..
Your girlfriend has a GIRLFRIEND???

Maybe Deeko likes to mix up his role?😛

BTW, its funny that you posed pics Deeko since the post just commented that nobody had asked yet.

Anyway, I would say just to not worry about it. One thing I've learned is that you've gotta live your own life seperate from your SO. Obviously, being away at school that's the case but it doesn't really seem like it since she doesn't do anything unless you're around. I'm sure you're going out with friends and such at school; she should do the same. The whole confidence thing on your part is just something that has to get better. From what I know of your relationship to this girl I would highly doubt she's looking elsewhere. If she was you would certainly be able to tell. Just let her go do her thing and don't worry about it. I would tell her that it's her decision and that you'll take care of your feelings.

 

You're justified in feeling that way only if she actually is aware that the persons involved want more than friendship or if your feeling is just out of unhappiness that you cannot be there to have fun with her. Other than that, your feeling is not justified. Good thing you were honest with her about it though.

If any of the persons she wants to go to a social event with is just a friend and you're getting envious or object to it, then she sure needs to take action concerning you. Some females have male friends and enjoy their company. She should be able to have fun with male friends, provided it's not excesssive, without being supervised by her bf.

 

[Geekbabe]

I think it's a good thing that you can both tell each other honestly how you re feeling and it's also good that you can trust her to enjoy a social event that's important to her.All that said I also feel good that you felt "weird" enough about it to discuss it at length with her.If I told a dude I was going with that I was going out with another dude and he was totally ok with it,I'd wonder if perhaps he really didn't give a damn about me.

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: luvly
You're justified in feeling that way only if she actually is aware that the persons involved want more than friendship or if your feeling is just out of unhappiness that you cannot be there to have fun with her. Other than that, your feeling is not justified. Good thing you were honest with her about it though.

If any of the persons she wants to go to a social event with is just a friend and you're getting envious or object to it, then she sure needs to take action concerning you. Some females have male friends and enjoy their company. She should be able to have fun with male friends, provided it's not excesssive, without being supervised by her bf.

luvly, would you feel just a bit strange if your b/f attended some function that you couldn't also attend with a girl you don't know? Even if he assures you that "it's not like that"? If you'd be completely ok with that, I would be amazed.

 

[Deeko]

You guys are cute... and she's beautiful.

Thanks

Now I'm just confused..
Your girlfriend has a GIRLFRIEND???

Alright alright I meant boyfriend lol

Besides, she's in high school. Let her get a feel for other guys, because that is the only way she'll truly appreciate what she has. Many times a woman will date someone all through high school and dump their bf in college so they can see if they're missing out on something. At this tender age, if you really do want something long-long term, I'd let her go to all the dances.

That's another touchy subject...she has said something like she doesn't want to get married without having more than one serious relationship(that came out of the blue one day, we don't talk about getting married), my stance is that what if she wants to try other people, decides she likes me more than them, should she just hope I'm gonna sit around and wait for her? Of course I'm not. IMO you don't give up on a working relationship for the sake of trying a new one, and I don't think she would, that comment just struck me as off.

BTW, its funny that you posed pics Deeko since the post just commented that nobody had asked yet.

lol I've posted em several times before, and I figured the question would come so I posted em ahead of time.

You're justified in feeling that way only if she actually is aware that the persons involved want more than friendship or if your feeling is just out of unhappiness that you cannot be there to have fun with her. Other than that, your feeling is not justified. Good thing you were honest with her about it though.

There are a LOT of guys at her school that are after her. I don't know for sure but I'm pretty sure this guy is one of them.

 

"luvly, would you feel just a bit strange if your b/f attended some function that you couldn't also attend with a girl you don't know? Even if he assures you that "it's not like that"? If you'd be completely ok with that, I would be amazed."

If I'm in the exact same situation, then, no, I wouldn't feel strange about it. I would in fact feel bad that I'm not around to afford my significant other some quality time. Secondly, I would perceive it as friendship, which my significant other is and should be entitled to.

On the other hand, if I lived in the same vicinity as my significant other and whilst this is happening my significant other has not spent quality time with me, then I would get uneasy about it. But as someone else said, if it isn't meant to be, it's better to realise it earlier than too late. If she isn't one to be trusted as far as her relationship with men/boys is concerned, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with her in the first place. Let her commitment be tested.

All I know is, I don't want to feel suffocated with a significant other, as if he owns me. I want to be able to hang out with my male friends without his presence or do something independently on occasion.

 

[AvesPKS]

Originally posted by: Deeko

Originally posted by: Jhill
No one has asked for pics yet?

This is a record.

Posted em before, but here you go:
1
2
3

She's still in high school? Then it's not just a localized phenomena...They must be putting something in the water everywhere, bucause they sure are growing them young these days...

😉

 

[TranceNation]

well if she tells the person who she is going to the dance with that she already has a bf, then you should be ok, otherwise, there's probably something else going on.

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: luvly
"luvly, would you feel just a bit strange if your b/f attended some function that you couldn't also attend with a girl you don't know? Even if he assures you that "it's not like that"? If you'd be completely ok with that, I would be amazed."

If I'm in the exact same situation, then, no, I wouldn't feel strange about it. I would in fact feel bad that I'm not around to afford my significant other some quality time. Secondly, I would perceive it as friendship, which my significant other is and should be entitled to.

On the other hand, if I lived in the same vicinity as my significant other and whilst this is happening my significant other has not spent quality time with me, then I would get uneasy about it. But as someone else said, if it isn't meant to be, it's better to realise it earlier than too late. If she isn't one to be trusted as far as her relationship with men/boys is concerned, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with her in the first place. Let her commitment be tested.

All I know is, I don't want to feel suffocated with a significant other, as if he owns me. I want to be able to hang out with my male friends without his presence or do something independently on occasion.

I can understand taking the moral high ground, but I mentioned this because too many women I know maintain a double standard where they feel they can have male friends (who no doubt would love to go out with them), but guys can't have female friends, because "guys are different, they just want one thing". Yeah, it sounds weak when written down in an ATOT post, but in real life, this double standard is very real.

 

[weezergirl]

if the reason she is goign to this dance is cuz she wants to get out of the house etc..uhhh...arent' there other ways to hang out with her friends??? or to do stuff with her friends besides going to a dance? and it's not like she's not gonna get to go any, you're gonna go to the x-mas formal with her right? and prom or whatever else....

i don't really get why she wants to go that bad. it's just a hs dance. if it makes you feel uncomfortable i wouldn't go. it IS kind of weird.. 😛

 

[frizzlefry]

Originally posted by: weezergirl
if the reason she is goign to this dance is cuz she wants to get out of the house etc..uhhh...arent' there other ways to hang out with her friends??? or to do stuff with her friends besides going to a dance? and it's not like she's not gonna get to go any, you're gonna go to the x-mas formal with her right? and prom or whatever else....

i don't really get why she wants to go that bad. it's just a hs dance. if it makes you feel uncomfortable i wouldn't go. it IS kind of weird.. 😛

robots don't understand.... 😛

 

[Deeko]

if the reason she is goign to this dance is cuz she wants to get out of the house etc..uhhh...arent' there other ways to hang out with her friends??? or to do stuff with her friends besides going to a dance? and it's not like she's not gonna get to go any, you're gonna go to the x-mas formal with her right? and prom or whatever else....

i don't really get why she wants to go that bad. it's just a hs dance. if it makes you feel uncomfortable i wouldn't go. it IS kind of weird..

Yea, there probably are other ways to go out with her friends. And I do know for a fact that if I were in her shoes, and she gave me the ok to go but said she thought it was weird, I wouldn't go, out of repsect for her and not wanting something I do to make her feel weird like that. She IS hypocritical, she gets mad at me for things she does, and I know for a fact that she wouldn't want me to go. I gave her the frat party referrence, and she said 'a frat is different from a hs dance', and she's right, in one respect, the frat is worse, as drinking and all can occur. In another respect, the hs dance is worse, because she is going as someones date, and is expected to be 'with' them most of the time, whereas I can go to a party with someone and see them for 5 minutes the entire time. I don't know, tomorrow I'm going to give her the final ok, something to this effect: "If you want to go to the ROTC dance, that's fine with me. I totally trust you, and want you to be able to have a good time when I'm not around. If the guy doesn't know already, I do want you to let him know that you have a boyfriend, and assure him that you're just going as friends. That's all I ask, I'll be able to deal with you going because I do have full trust in you." something like that.

 

[gopunk]

Originally posted by: djheater
...the caged bird and all...

If you love something... let it go...

know what I'm sayin sayin

If she is true she will be if she is not you will know... if you pay attention.

yup

 

[tcsenter]

Tonight, she told me she does want to go to at least one of them, just as friends, because she doesn't want to be exluded from social activites because her boyfriend goes to another school. I told her I'd by lying if I were totally comfortable with her being another guy's date to a formal dance, but that I wouldn't get mad at her if she goes. I related it to how she would feel if I went to a frat party or something down here with another girl.

You did the best thing you could, you were completely honest about it. And you didn't try to tell her what to do or get all bent out of shape about it. Its perfectly reasonable to be at least a "little" uncomfortable about your GF going to a dance with another guy, but I also believe that your willingness to trust her despite that discomfort is the most reasonable and adult thing you could do. What is not reasonable is to be so jealous that you become angry, or bitter, or begin to hold a grudge, etc.

One word of advice, though. You told her you wouldn't be mad or hold it against her if she went, and so you should keep your word. Don't try to pull a guilt trip on her, or somehow make her "sorry" that she went with another guy. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say. If you tell someone that you won't be mad about it, then you have to stick to that.

 

[frizzlefry]

Originally posted by: Deeko

if the reason she is goign to this dance is cuz she wants to get out of the house etc..uhhh...arent' there other ways to hang out with her friends??? or to do stuff with her friends besides going to a dance? and it's not like she's not gonna get to go any, you're gonna go to the x-mas formal with her right? and prom or whatever else....

i don't really get why she wants to go that bad. it's just a hs dance. if it makes you feel uncomfortable i wouldn't go. it IS kind of weird..

Yea, there probably are other ways to go out with her friends. And I do know for a fact that if I were in her shoes, and she gave me the ok to go but said she thought it was weird, I wouldn't go, out of repsect for her and not wanting something I do to make her feel weird like that. She IS hypocritical, she gets mad at me for things she does, and I know for a fact that she wouldn't want me to go. I gave her the frat party referrence, and she said 'a frat is different from a hs dance', and she's right, in one respect, the frat is worse, as drinking and all can occur. In another respect, the hs dance is worse, because she is going as someones date, and is expected to be 'with' them most of the time, whereas I can go to a party with someone and see them for 5 minutes the entire time. I don't know, tomorrow I'm going to give her the final ok, something to this effect: "If you want to go to the ROTC dance, that's fine with me. I totally trust you, and want you to be able to have a good time when I'm not around. If the guy doesn't know already, I do want you to let him know that you have a boyfriend, and assure him that you're just going as friends. That's all I ask, I'll be able to deal with you going because I do have full trust in you." something like that.

that's like putting your arm around her while not being there. i think some of you know what i'm talking about. it's the "my terriroty" move. and i dont know about you, but I don't know girls that actually like that. it shows jealousy. and that's not good.

 

[Deeko]

what do you mean? I'm giving her my full, unrestricted ok to go. How am I 'putting my arm around her' so to speak? By asking her to let a guy know, who does want her to be more than a friend, that they are just going as friends?

 

[frizzlefry]

by telling her that she should let the guy know. if she tells him, then you've marked your territory. and how do you know he wants to be more than just friends?

 

[Deeko]

she's told me about a bunch of guys that are after her. IIRC, he is one of them. He might see this as a chance to 'move in', and frankly I think she'd let him know beforehand without me asking her to, as she's done it before when she's gone out with other guys, and that just simple stuff like going to the mall and what have you.

 

[frizzlefry]

Originally posted by: Deeko
she's told me about a bunch of guys that are after her. IIRC, he is one of them. He might see this as a chance to 'move in', and frankly I think she'd let him know beforehand without me asking her to, as she's done it before when she's gone out with other guys, and that just simple stuff like going to the mall and what have you.

that's what i'm saying. you can tell the true intentions of someone from their actions or inaction.

 

[Deeko]

well I know she's done it before and I assume she'd do it again, and the only reason I would ask is I don't want it to sound like "go out with other guys, I don't care about you or about what you do, you might as well sleep with him too" Obviously that's a strech and it wouldn't come off that way, but you get what I mean right?

 

[Jfur]

I have a lot of male friends and my husband is cool with us doing stuff together. But I personally would not go to a dance with another man, only because that could be woeeisome and I would need to be totally sure that the other guy "understood" it was not a date -- but then in h.s. everyone else will assume it is. It's not a total disaster, but she could go alone or with a group of female friends.

 

[GoingUp]

You told her how you felt, and it is acceptable to feel a little uncomfortable and jealous. It shows that you care. Obviously excluding the kinds of guys who have to know where their GF is 24 hours a day, being a little protective and defensive about your girlfriend is nothing to be ashamed of. Your feelings could also stem from the fact that you trust your girlfriend, but don't trust the guys she'd be going with.

 

[weezergirl]

Originally posted by: frizzlefry

Originally posted by: weezergirl
if the reason she is goign to this dance is cuz she wants to get out of the house etc..uhhh...arent' there other ways to hang out with her friends??? or to do stuff with her friends besides going to a dance? and it's not like she's not gonna get to go any, you're gonna go to the x-mas formal with her right? and prom or whatever else....

i don't really get why she wants to go that bad. it's just a hs dance. if it makes you feel uncomfortable i wouldn't go. it IS kind of weird.. 😛

robots don't understand.... 😛

haha, you're prolly right. as a robot, i don't really like to get dressed up and go to dances anyway. 🙂

i'd just like to note tho that i see NO problem with her hanging out with guys. i hang out with guys all the time and my bf doesn't mind. ie go to the movies/go out to eat/etc. this is a DANCE. and her "date" is a guy going after her. if u don't see anything weird/suspicious about it, then power to ya. 😛 and i hate to say it but i odn't know how people can date hypocrites. as in, when they get mad at you for doing the same thing but expect you to be understanding about it...tha'ts just st00pid to me. and by not going to this dance (in which not even everybody can even go, it's an ROTC dance for heaven's sake..) she's not missing out on a social life...if he didn't allow her to go out at all then yeah, there's a problem there. but it's just ONE dance. 😛

to put it bluntly, if she really cares about you she wouldn't go. the fact that you are feeling uneasy about it is totally understandable as many people have said in this thread. why would she want to make you feel uneasy over something so stupid? i know i wouldn't want to do that to my bf. 😛 no offense but her reasoning for going is lame, and i think the real problem here is the fact that you are at college and she's still in hs. there's going to be a lot of this type of stuff coming up and it takes 2 to make a relationship like this work. but yeah, if you can tell her to go and truly be ok with it then it's cool...but then, what's the point of this thread again? 😛

 

[ROTC1983]

You gotta be careful of those ROTC boys 🙂

 

[Eli]

Originally posted by: ROTC1983
You gotta be careful of those ROTC boys 🙂

Yes, yes you do. 😛

No, you're not wrong in feeling that way, and I faced a similar situation not long ago...

My girlfriend was going to school in Port Angeles, Washington.. and I lived in Portland, Oregon. She wanted to finish the school year before moving down here.. so I wasn't really around much.

She skipped out on one of the dances, and went with some friends(alone, as far as a date goes) to the NJROTC Navy Ball. I tried to go with her to Jr. Prom, but they wouldn't let me in.. so I told her to go and have fun. She went with one of her friends to another dance. I have to admit, it made me slightly uncomfortable, but I trust her.. and more importantly, I trusted him.. since he also has a girlfriend.. she wasn't able to come, either.

Now that she's down here.. Madison High's policy is nobody over the age of 20, period. So that counts me out. She's just going to fsck the dances now, though. Which is fine with me. 😉

It's all good. It just boils down to your relationship with her, really. Talk to her more about it. Communication is key in any situation.

What ROTC is your girlfriend in, anyway?