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akasha

Member
Nov 22, 2006
25
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I'm a female. So I've been knowing this guy for well over 2 years and had lived with him briefly. Without going into all the gory details, I wasn't "ready" to get involved, and I up & left. Hadn't seen one another for about a year, but we occasionally kept in contact on the phone, and he was either nice to talk with or sounded angry at me. I haven't started dating yet, but recently he tells me he's officially in the dating scene & been sleeping with a few girls. Well, I'm totally crushed 'cause yes, I still care for him. And the latest news is that he's asked me not to contact him.

So here's the question: What?s the deal with the anger/bitterness when you're talking with an ex, is this common and does it ever go away? All my other relationships ended on good terms with no bitterness when we parted ways, so this is all new to me. How much time should pass before it becomes okay to speak with an ex, even as a friend? When you ask your ex not to contact you, do you really mean it and is it usually a permanent thing?

Ugh, breakups bite, but the no-contact rule sucks even more!
 
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BoldAsLove

Platinum Member
May 10, 2005
2,078
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Typical guy thing to do. He wants to make you jealous and envious of you two breaking up. It's kind of like saying...look at how much better I can do without you. Therefore, he rises up, and knowing girls self esteem, you rise down. Common move for a guy. He'll eventually get over himself, you just have to give him time.
 
mobobuff

mobobuff

Lifer
Apr 5, 2004
11,099
1
81
If there's one thing I've learned, nothing between two people is ever permanent, unless one of them dies.

You'll be talking to him again soon, unless he's an ass and just has no intentions at all in ever speaking to you again.
 
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akasha

Member
Nov 22, 2006
25
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Originally posted by: BoldAsLove
Typical guy thing to do. He wants to make you jealous and envious of you two breaking up. It's kind of like saying...look at how much better I can do without you. Therefore, he rises up, and knowing girls self esteem, you rise down. Common move for a guy. He'll eventually get over himself, you just have to give him time.
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Whoa. I'm really surprised that it's a typical, common thing for guys to do this. All my other exes, I was able to relatively friendly convos with 'em after the break-up and whenever anyone of 'em said they were serious about some girl, I stopped calling. This is the first time a guy actually asked me not to call.
 
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magomago

Lifer
Sep 28, 2002
10,973
14
76
Then don't call, problem solved.

edit:

women...I swear you guys make things so much more complicated than it should be.
 
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akasha

Member
Nov 22, 2006
25
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Originally posted by: mobobuff
If there's one thing I've learned, nothing between two people is ever permanent, unless one of them dies.

You'll be talking to him again soon, unless he's an ass and just has no intentions at all in ever speaking to you again.
Click to expand...

I think what surprised me most of all is that he left it like we couldn't even be friends. I mean, like WTF, we were lovers, now we can't even be friends??!!
 
mobobuff

mobobuff

Lifer
Apr 5, 2004
11,099
1
81
Originally posted by: akasha
Originally posted by: mobobuff
If there's one thing I've learned, nothing between two people is ever permanent, unless one of them dies.

You'll be talking to him again soon, unless he's an ass and just has no intentions at all in ever speaking to you again.
Click to expand...

I think what surprised me most of all is that he left it like we couldn't even be friends. I mean, like WTF, we were lovers, now we can't even be friends??!!
Click to expand...

Guys will say a lot of things they may not entirely believe to make you feel a certain way, sadly this applies to both the good things and the bad things. He could've easily been bluffing just to hurt you, even if he wasn't, when he's alone again he'll want to talk to you.

 
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Black88GTA

Diamond Member
Sep 9, 2003
3,430
0
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Well...looking at it from his POV, it wouldn't really go over so well if he was dating someone new and kept getting calls from his ex, now would it? Especially if the new girl happened to be there when he got a call from you...this would of course prompt the inevitable "who was that?" "What are you still talking to her for?" "I thought you broke up" type of conversation that no guy ever wants to have with a new gf if they can avoid it.

Besides, you said that you were the one who "up and left" - indicating that you don't want to be with him either...
 
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apac

Diamond Member
Apr 12, 2003
6,212
0
71
I had a very similar breakup recently. Girl wasn't ready to be committed, couldn't handle the stress/pressure of the LTR, things started getting really messed up and I needed her to decide ...and she did ;).

Now, here's my perspective from a guy in this sort of breakup. Regardless of how inevitable it might have been, it's a real kick in the face to have someone you care about pull away from the relationship. It was likely an incredibly painful experience to have his SO and probably best friend "up and leave" after 2 years together. In retrospect my example (and probably yours) was also riddled with other fatal problems, but IMO one persons commitment issues are like a disease that slowly hurts the other one, like they're not good enough for you or something. Not a fun reality to have to come to terms with :).

Anyway, this guy is probably happy with his dating life, but not quite as happy as he was in the peak of your relationship, which is what leads to his distance. It's a smart move by him if he's afraid of dredging up old feelings. I go through days of bitterness, and days of understanding, but most of them are filled with indifference. Every time I start to think about her and what she's doing, I go through that emotional cycle all over again, and it's really not worth the effort. It's just so much easier to not care.

In my opinion, no couples who have been in a serious relationship can go back to being friends until they both are in equally serious relationships with someone else.

 
DarkThinker

DarkThinker

Platinum Member
Mar 17, 2007
2,822
0
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So you lived with him for 2 years, then one day you said "see ya" because you decided that he wasn't suitable for a relationship with you, so you guys split up and now you are wondering why he wouldn't want to have anything to do with ya?

The way you are describing his behavior I can translate to the following "You had your chance and you blew it", that's because you are indecisive about either you have feelings for him or not, guys don't dig that at all. Me for example , I ask a question (relationship related) and the only things I want to hear are a Yes or a No, no maybes or "I need to take 2 years to think about it" crap.

DarkThinker
 
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Agentbolt

Diamond Member
Jul 9, 2004
3,340
1
0
No offense, but it sounds like it was your idea to "up and walk out". If a guy is serious enough about a girl to want to move in with her, and she puts the kibosh on it, he's not going to feel too great.

Since it sounds like you actually lived together briefly, that probably made the resulting breakup that much worse. You rolled your dice with this guy, it's time to move on. He is probably pulling the standard "Show her how happy and awesome and popular you are since she dumped you" routine either to make you jealous or to make you feel like a tool for dumping him.

You are not going to be friends with this guy. Move on.
 
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akasha

Member
Nov 22, 2006
25
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Originally posted by: Black88GTA
Well...looking at it from his POV, it wouldn't really go over so well if he was dating someone new and kept getting calls from his ex, now would it? Especially if the new girl happened to be there when he got a call from you...this would of course prompt the inevitable "who was that?" "What are you still talking to her for?" "I thought you broke up" type of conversation that no guy ever wants to have with a new gf if they can avoid it.

Besides, you said that you were the one who "up and left" - indicating that you don't want to be with him either...
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I totally get what you're saying how women don't want their man receiving calls from their old flames....and from all the stories I've heard or read about, you guys have paid dearly for it!! And call me strange, but in every relationship I've had, I received calls from the guy prior to him. I always made sure that the current guy understood that any exes or guy friends (guys I didn't have sex with) I had WAS NOT going to be a threat to our relationship, so every single one didn't have a problem with some guy calling or me calling them. The only real reason why I'm no longer talking with certain ex-BFs is 'cause their wife/GF would be furious and I'd easily like to avoid all that drama.

Yes, I'm the one who "up and left", not necessarily because I didn't want to be with him. The timing in the relationship was off.
 
Kadarin

Kadarin

Lifer
Nov 23, 2001
44,296
16
81
Originally posted by: akasha
Originally posted by: mobobuff
If there's one thing I've learned, nothing between two people is ever permanent, unless one of them dies.

You'll be talking to him again soon, unless he's an ass and just has no intentions at all in ever speaking to you again.
Click to expand...

I think what surprised me most of all is that he left it like we couldn't even be friends. I mean, like WTF, we were lovers, now we can't even be friends??!!
Click to expand...

What is it with girls who always want to remain friends with their exes? Have you maybe given some thought to the possibility that he was really serious about you and had feelings for you, and that you betrayed those feelings?

"I wasn't "ready" to get involved, and I up & left"

My guess is that there was another guy involved at the time. Unless you give more details, I'm having real trouble building up a whole lot of sympathy for you.
 
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Agentbolt

Diamond Member
Jul 9, 2004
3,340
1
0
Yes, I'm the one who "up and left", not necessarily because I didn't want to be with him. The timing in the relationship was off.
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That's fine, relationships get so complex that I'm not even going to attempt to figure out what happened. I'm simply stating, as a neutral third party, that when someone quits a relationship on you, that sucks. If they do it quickly after agreeing to move in together, that sucks even more. I'm not saying he's right to still have issues with you all this time later, but I can certainly UNDERSTAND why he's still not real fond of you.

 
Whoozyerdaddy

Whoozyerdaddy

Lifer
Jun 27, 2005
19,216
1
61
Originally posted by: akasha
Originally posted by: BoldAsLove
Typical guy thing to do. He wants to make you jealous and envious of you two breaking up. It's kind of like saying...look at how much better I can do without you. Therefore, he rises up, and knowing girls self esteem, you rise down. Common move for a guy. He'll eventually get over himself, you just have to give him time.
Click to expand...


Whoa. I'm really surprised that it's a typical, common thing for guys to do this. All my other exes, I was able to relatively friendly convos with 'em after the break-up and whenever anyone of 'em said they were serious about some girl, I stopped calling. This is the first time a guy actually asked me not to call.
Click to expand...

I don't know why the advice would be any different for a girl than it would be for a guy. He said to stop calling so stop. He's not the only man on earth. There are pleanty of other guys out there who would love to date you I'm sure. You won't find the right one right off the bat but that's what dating is for.

The nice thing about being a girl is you don't have to pay. ;) Guys take you out... if you like them you let them take you out again. If you don't, just say 'sorry, not interested.'



 
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