YAG(uy)Thread

[akasha]

Originally posted by: apac
Now, here's my perspective from a guy in this sort of breakup. Regardless of how inevitable it might have been, it's a real kick in the face to have someone you care about pull away from the relationship. It was likely an incredibly painful experience to have his SO and probably best friend "up and leave" after 2 years together. In retrospect my example (and probably yours) was also riddled with other fatal problems, but IMO one persons commitment issues are like a disease that slowly hurts the other one, like they're not good enough for you or something. Not a fun reality to have to come to terms with .

Originally posted by: DarkThinker
So you lived with him for 2 years, then one day you said "see ya" because you decided that he wasn't suitable for a relationship with you, so you guys split up and now you are wondering why he wouldn't want to have anything to do with ya?

The way you are describing his behavior I can translate to the following "You had your chance and you blew it", that's because you are indecisive about either you have feelings for him or not, guys don't dig that at all. Me for example , I ask a question (relationship related) and the only things I want to hear are a Yes or a No, no maybes or "I need to take 2 years to think about it" crap.

DarkThinker

Originally posted by: Agentbolt
No offense, but it sounds like it was your idea to "up and walk out". If a guy is serious enough about a girl to want to move in with her, and she puts the kibosh on it, he's not going to feel too great.

Since it sounds like you actually lived together briefly, that probably made the resulting breakup that much worse. You rolled your dice with this guy, it's time to move on. He is probably pulling the standard "Show her how happy and awesome and popular you are since she dumped you" routine either to make you jealous or to make you feel like a tool for dumping him.

You are not going to be friends with this guy. Move on.

Originally posted by: Agentbolt

That's fine, relationships get so complex that I'm not even going to attempt to figure out what happened. I'm simply stating, as a neutral third party, that when someone quits a relationship on you, that sucks. If they do it quickly after agreeing to move in together, that sucks even more. I'm not saying he's right to still have issues with you all this time later, but I can certainly UNDERSTAND why he's still not real fond of you.

Thanks for the beat-down, guys. Seriously though, ALL of you are pretty much saying the same thing: I hurt him bad and that I pretty much fvcked up. Lesson learned.

 

[akasha]

Originally posted by: apac

Anyway, this guy is probably happy with his dating life, but not quite as happy as he was in the peak of your relationship, which is what leads to his distance. It's a smart move by him if he's afraid of dredging up old feelings. I go through days of bitterness, and days of understanding, but most of them are filled with indifference. Every time I start to think about her and what she's doing, I go through that emotional cycle all over again, and it's really not worth the effort. It's just so much easier to not care.

I truly wish him much happiness, but it's only human of me to say that there's a part (albeit small) of me that hopes he'll one day come to the conclusion that he'd be happier with me than anyone else he could ever be with. But I'm also resigned to the fact (from reading the all threads) that I may have really screwed up. I get it now.

 

[Sphexi]

So basically you wanted him as a backup for yourself? You didn't want to be "involved", you left him, it's been a YEAR, and now that he's dating again you're upset? I'm betting there's more to this story, something along the lines of you giving him attitude over him dating again, and that's what lead to him telling you to stay away from him.

 

[Siddhartha]

Originally posted by: akasha
I'm a female. So I've been knowing this guy for well over 2 years and had lived with him briefly. Without going into all the gory details, I wasn't "ready" to get involved, and I up & left. Hadn't seen one another for about a year, but we occasionally kept in contact on the phone, and he was either nice to talk with or sounded angry at me. I haven't started dating yet, but recently he tells me he's officially in the dating scene & been sleeping with a few girls. Well, I'm totally crushed 'cause yes, I still care for him. And the latest news is that he's asked me not to contact him.

So here's the question: What?s the deal with the anger/bitterness when you're talking with an ex, is this common and does it ever go away? All my other relationships ended on good terms with no bitterness when we parted ways, so this is all new to me. How much time should pass before it becomes okay to speak with an ex, even as a friend? When you ask your ex not to contact you, do you really mean it and is it usually a permanent thing?

Ugh, breakups bite, but the no-contact rule sucks even more!

I have found that if I have loved someone and we breakup "staying friends" causes emotional confusion and trouble.

On some level, I have feelings, not just friends type feelings, for all my old lovers and to make my like easier, I stay away them.

He is trying to move on and date other people.

 

[darkstar974]

Well i have dated this girl when i was 16 nothing to serious but we stayed friends. Fast forward 12 years later We started dating again doing things we did't do when we were 16. Then we spit up cause she said it was getting to serious. So she decides she wants to be friends again. I truthfully did not want to be bothered because of feelings for her, but she kept pestering me till the day i moved from the state and got married to my wife

 

[Looney]

Originally posted by: akasha
So here's the question: What?s the deal with the anger/bitterness when you're talking with an ex, is this common and does it ever go away? All my other relationships ended on good terms with no bitterness when we parted ways, so this is all new to me. How much time should pass before it becomes okay to speak with an ex, even as a friend? When you ask your ex not to contact you, do you really mean it and is it usually a permanent thing?

Ugh, breakups bite, but the no-contact rule sucks even more!

You up and and left him, of course he's going to feel bitter. I try to be as friendly with my ex's as possible, and usually am until they get into a relationship (then the new bf usually gets jealous).

I think you need to move on. If he asked you not to contact him, and when you spoke with him he was occasionally angry, it sounds like he's the one that doesn't want to be bothered with you any longer. He was probably hoping things would eventually work itself out with you 2, but obviously it hasn't, and he's moved on, and doesn't want to complicated his life with an ex.

 

[mrrman]

I avoid ex's like the plague...dont want nothing to do with them at all...thats why the are called ex's...I can get more "friends" anytime

 

[sixone]

He's making it clear that he's not going to sit around and wait for "the timing to be right", which is so arbitrary that he can't count on it ever happening. Either you want to be with him or you don't.

If you don't, then keeping his hopes up with repeated contact isn't fair, and he was right to put a stop to it. No one deserves to be taken for granted.

 

[SZLiao214]

I like the fact that the OP understands she was in error. It is rare for a girl to understand that the problem could be her fault.

Hopefully she remembers this thread and learns from it for future occasions

 

[GuitarDaddy]

Originally posted by: akasha

Originally posted by: apac

Anyway, this guy is probably happy with his dating life, but not quite as happy as he was in the peak of your relationship, which is what leads to his distance. It's a smart move by him if he's afraid of dredging up old feelings. I go through days of bitterness, and days of understanding, but most of them are filled with indifference. Every time I start to think about her and what she's doing, I go through that emotional cycle all over again, and it's really not worth the effort. It's just so much easier to not care.

I truly wish him much happiness, but it's only human of me to say that there's a part (albeit small) of me that hopes he'll one day come to the conclusion that he'd be happier with me than anyone else he could ever be with. But I'm also resigned to the fact (from reading the all threads) that I may have really screwed up. I get it now.

Sorry if this sounds harse, but it is totally unfair to try and keep this guy on the hook to satisfy your small hope that maybe one day you want him back. It's hard for guys to make a commitment, but once they do they usually go all the way. Sounds like this guy did that and you burned him. He probably still has strong feelings for you, and if you want him you can likely get him back. But you will have to convince him you are "all in" 100% commited to him, if your not willing to do that move on and leave him alone

 

[OVerLoRDI]

As a rule I never talk to my ex girlfriends. Personally I don't think it is fair to the person you end up dating afterwards to be bringing all that baggage into the relationship. Also would you honestly feel comfortable admitting to your new significant other that you were talking to your ex? I learn from the past but I'd like to keep the past where it is not drag it around into new relationships.

 

[OVerLoRDI]

Originally posted by: Black88GTA
Well...looking at it from his POV, it wouldn't really go over so well if he was dating someone new and kept getting calls from his ex, now would it? Especially if the new girl happened to be there when he got a call from you...this would of course prompt the inevitable "who was that?" "What are you still talking to her for?" "I thought you broke up" type of conversation that no guy ever wants to have with a new gf if they can avoid it.

Besides, you said that you were the one who "up and left" - indicating that you don't want to be with him either...

QFT

 

[OVerLoRDI]

Originally posted by: akasha

Originally posted by: Black88GTA
Well...looking at it from his POV, it wouldn't really go over so well if he was dating someone new and kept getting calls from his ex, now would it? Especially if the new girl happened to be there when he got a call from you...this would of course prompt the inevitable "who was that?" "What are you still talking to her for?" "I thought you broke up" type of conversation that no guy ever wants to have with a new gf if they can avoid it.

Besides, you said that you were the one who "up and left" - indicating that you don't want to be with him either...

I totally get what you're saying how women don't want their man receiving calls from their old flames....and from all the stories I've heard or read about, you guys have paid dearly for it!! And call me strange, but in every relationship I've had, I received calls from the guy prior to him. I always made sure that the current guy understood that any exes or guy friends (guys I didn't have sex with) I had WAS NOT going to be a threat to our relationship, so every single one didn't have a problem with some guy calling or me calling them. The only real reason why I'm no longer talking with certain ex-BFs is 'cause their wife/GF would be furious and I'd easily like to avoid all that drama.

Yes, I'm the one who "up and left", not necessarily because I didn't want to be with him. The timing in the relationship was off.

One thing girls seem to not understand is that early in a relationship you talking to your exes is a threat to a relationship. It is one thing when you can both trust each other a lot but initially it puts a lot of doubts into the guys mind about you and makes him feel that he has competition, he has to be funnier and more interesting than those others guys calling you.

The worst feeling is seeing your girlfriend laughing with other guys and having a great time when you are the quiet serious type.

 

[RbSX]

Originally posted by: akasha

Originally posted by: simms
Are you a guy or a girl? I can't quite tell...

girl

Believe it or not you probably did exactly the same thing to him.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: akasha
I'm a female. So I've been knowing this guy for well over 2 years and had lived with him briefly. Without going into all the gory details, I wasn't "ready" to get involved, and I up & left. Hadn't seen one another for about a year, but we occasionally kept in contact on the phone, and he was either nice to talk with or sounded angry at me. I haven't started dating yet, but recently he tells me he's officially in the dating scene & been sleeping with a few girls. Well, I'm totally crushed 'cause yes, I still care for him. And the latest news is that he's asked me not to contact him.

So here's the question: What?s the deal with the anger/bitterness when you're talking with an ex, is this common and does it ever go away? All my other relationships ended on good terms with no bitterness when we parted ways, so this is all new to me. How much time should pass before it becomes okay to speak with an ex, even as a friend? When you ask your ex not to contact you, do you really mean it and is it usually a permanent thing?
.
Ugh, breakups bite, but the no-contact rule sucks even more!

You dumped him, you "weren't ready" and you expect him to continue being nice to you? you're also hurt because he hasn't remained celibate while pining away for you?

2 words for you dear...

GROW UP

He has plenty of male friends,he has no need to sit around being used as your emotional tampon while you show the pink to other guys.

 

[FrustratedUser]

Originally posted by: akasha

Originally posted by: apac

Anyway, this guy is probably happy with his dating life, but not quite as happy as he was in the peak of your relationship, which is what leads to his distance. It's a smart move by him if he's afraid of dredging up old feelings. I go through days of bitterness, and days of understanding, but most of them are filled with indifference. Every time I start to think about her and what she's doing, I go through that emotional cycle all over again, and it's really not worth the effort. It's just so much easier to not care.

I truly wish him much happiness, but it's only human of me to say that there's a part (albeit small) of me that hopes he'll one day come to the conclusion that he'd be happier with me than anyone else he could ever be with. But I'm also resigned to the fact (from reading the all threads) that I may have really screwed up. I get it now.

Once and for all. You left him. It sounds like he already came to the conclusion the he'd be happy with you.... and then you split.

Now you expect HIM to crawl back to you?
It's very simple. He got burned and will not tolerate to get burned again. It's all a matter of staying sane and not stuck in memories and too much emotional turmoil.

Sorry to bring the reality check.

 

[FrustratedUser]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: akasha
I'm a female. So I've been knowing this guy for well over 2 years and had lived with him briefly. Without going into all the gory details, I wasn't "ready" to get involved, and I up & left. Hadn't seen one another for about a year, but we occasionally kept in contact on the phone, and he was either nice to talk with or sounded angry at me. I haven't started dating yet, but recently he tells me he's officially in the dating scene & been sleeping with a few girls. Well, I'm totally crushed 'cause yes, I still care for him. And the latest news is that he's asked me not to contact him.

So here's the question: What?s the deal with the anger/bitterness when you're talking with an ex, is this common and does it ever go away? All my other relationships ended on good terms with no bitterness when we parted ways, so this is all new to me. How much time should pass before it becomes okay to speak with an ex, even as a friend? When you ask your ex not to contact you, do you really mean it and is it usually a permanent thing?
.
Ugh, breakups bite, but the no-contact rule sucks even more!

You dumped him, you "weren't ready" and you expect him to continue being nice to you? you're also hurt because he hasn't remained celibate while pining away for you?

2 words for you dear...

GROW UP

He has plenty of male friends,he has no need to sit around being used as your emotional tampon while you show the pink to other guys.

QFMFT!
:thumbsup:

Being treated like a fall-back emotional tampoon is THE worst way to be treated... period.

 

[DarkThinker]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: akasha
I'm a female. So I've been knowing this guy for well over 2 years and had lived with him briefly. Without going into all the gory details, I wasn't "ready" to get involved, and I up & left. Hadn't seen one another for about a year, but we occasionally kept in contact on the phone, and he was either nice to talk with or sounded angry at me. I haven't started dating yet, but recently he tells me he's officially in the dating scene & been sleeping with a few girls. Well, I'm totally crushed 'cause yes, I still care for him. And the latest news is that he's asked me not to contact him.

So here's the question: What?s the deal with the anger/bitterness when you're talking with an ex, is this common and does it ever go away? All my other relationships ended on good terms with no bitterness when we parted ways, so this is all new to me. How much time should pass before it becomes okay to speak with an ex, even as a friend? When you ask your ex not to contact you, do you really mean it and is it usually a permanent thing?
.
Ugh, breakups bite, but the no-contact rule sucks even more!

You dumped him, you "weren't ready" and you expect him to continue being nice to you? you're also hurt because he hasn't remained celibate while pining away for you?

2 words for you dear...

GROW UP

He has plenty of male friends,he has no need to sit around being used as your emotional tampon while you show the pink to other guys.

RAMPAGE!

 

[Oceandevi]

Originally posted by: akasha

Originally posted by: BoldAsLove
Typical guy thing to do. He wants to make you jealous and envious of you two breaking up. It's kind of like saying...look at how much better I can do without you. Therefore, he rises up, and knowing girls self esteem, you rise down. Common move for a guy. He'll eventually get over himself, you just have to give him time.

Whoa. I'm really surprised that it's a typical, common thing for guys to do this. All my other exes, I was able to relatively friendly convos with 'em after the break-up and whenever anyone of 'em said they were serious about some girl, I stopped calling. This is the first time a guy actually asked me not to call.

maybe you are a stalker freak!!

 

[RbSX]

Originally posted by: FrustratedUser

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: akasha
I'm a female. So I've been knowing this guy for well over 2 years and had lived with him briefly. Without going into all the gory details, I wasn't "ready" to get involved, and I up & left. Hadn't seen one another for about a year, but we occasionally kept in contact on the phone, and he was either nice to talk with or sounded angry at me. I haven't started dating yet, but recently he tells me he's officially in the dating scene & been sleeping with a few girls. Well, I'm totally crushed 'cause yes, I still care for him. And the latest news is that he's asked me not to contact him.

So here's the question: What?s the deal with the anger/bitterness when you're talking with an ex, is this common and does it ever go away? All my other relationships ended on good terms with no bitterness when we parted ways, so this is all new to me. How much time should pass before it becomes okay to speak with an ex, even as a friend? When you ask your ex not to contact you, do you really mean it and is it usually a permanent thing?
.
Ugh, breakups bite, but the no-contact rule sucks even more!

You dumped him, you "weren't ready" and you expect him to continue being nice to you? you're also hurt because he hasn't remained celibate while pining away for you?

2 words for you dear...

GROW UP

He has plenty of male friends,he has no need to sit around being used as your emotional tampon while you show the pink to other guys.

QFMFT!
:thumbsup:

Being treated like a fall-back emotional tampoon is THE worst way to be treated... period.

Fvckin owned. This is what I was trying to say but it didn't come out as well.

Srsly, if a girl plays me off and tells me she isn't ready.. ******'er I'm moving onto greener pastures.. I'm not gonna sit around with 'gay friend syndrome' while the girl is exploring her other options.

Lost yer chance.

 

[StevenYoo]

Originally posted by: RyanSengara
Fvckin owned. This is what I was trying to say but it didn't come out as well.

Srsly, if a girl plays me off and tells me she isn't ready.. ******'er I'm moving onto greener pastures.. I'm not gonna sit around with 'gay friend syndrome' while the girl is exploring her other options.

Lost yer chance.

yeah, I kind of have to agree.

You pretty much brought this upon yourself

 

[crt1530]

Originally posted by: akasha
I'm a female. So I've been knowing this guy for well over 2 years and had lived with him briefly. Without going into all the gory details, I wasn't "ready" to get involved, and I up & left. Hadn't seen one another for about a year, but we occasionally kept in contact on the phone, and he was either nice to talk with or sounded angry at me. I haven't started dating yet, but recently he tells me he's officially in the dating scene & been sleeping with a few girls. Well, I'm totally crushed 'cause yes, I still care for him. And the latest news is that he's asked me not to contact him.

So here's the question: What?s the deal with the anger/bitterness when you're talking with an ex, is this common and does it ever go away? All my other relationships ended on good terms with no bitterness when we parted ways, so this is all new to me. How much time should pass before it becomes okay to speak with an ex, even as a friend? When you ask your ex not to contact you, do you really mean it and is it usually a permanent thing?

Ugh, breakups bite, but the no-contact rule sucks even more!

My sister did this to a guy. She dumped him and started seeing other people. Now he has a new girlfriend and she is all upset about it. She stomped on a nice guy and is sad because he didn't wait for her to change her feeble mind back to him. I'm under the impression that he is much better off now. For future reference, don't expect guys to be your friend after you dump them.

Oh, and cheers to Geekbabe and sixone for telling it straight.