Why can't I have multiple wives?

[jlee]

You really believe that?

Think about when you were a kid. Most kids care about 2 things. Stability and their parents being together.When I was a kid, we lived in poverty, but as long as mom/dad were around and there was stability.....we were just happy, rest didn't really matter (especially materialistic crap)

Having random people watch you....and both parents running off with other people for sexual pleasure.......well, not sure about you, but if I was the kid, that wouldn't make me very happy.

Mind you, I'm not saying that kids cannot be happy. I just don't believe Poly type relationship provides extra stability or happiness to children. Quite the opposite IMO.

And we all know every study is flawed and can be swayed by little details. And the devil is in the details.

All this time, I thought we were talking about polyamorous relationships. Are we talking about swingers now?

Let me rephrase your post:
"Having random people watch you, and both parents running off with each other for sexual pleasure...well, not sure about you, but if I was the kid, that wouldn't make me very happy."
Your parents never went out and left a babysitter with you?

I honestly don't know.

The poly family I know IRL ("open marriage") give me this vibe that they aren't ashamed of their non-traditional sexuality and that they don't try very hard to hide it from the children. Honestly they seem pretty selfish to me about putting their personal needs above the children's emotional needs, much like a recently divorced mom who goes out to bars and invites strange men over to the house where her kids live to feel better about herself.

But I don't want to judge this community based on my limited experience. I know some gay couples who go out of their way to make sure the more liberal ideas on sex in the gay community aren't rubbed in the face of their children. Maybe there is some poly community who do everything they can to make it seem like mom just has a lot of helpful guy friends or whatever.

My point is that I haven't seen any real research on it. And you are right a single study can be denied, but unless you work for an energy or cigarette company you can't deny a flood of studies that almost all point to the same thing (like what happened with gay households and children).

And up until the point kids are involved who cares, people can do whatever they want as long as its not hurting someone else. I do think that as soon as a kid is in the equation your needs come second, period, and some of the people I have admired most in life are those who temporarily stayed in failed marriages because they had young children. That is real sacrifice.

I'm noticing a trend of people assuming that poly means numerous (and constantly varying) partners, but there are plenty of closed poly relationships where there are just "x" number of people involved, and that's it. Polyamory means multiple loves - not fucking everything that moves.

Regarding parents staying together "for the children" - my parents' divorce was the best thing that happened for us kids. There are plenty of circumstances where a shitty parental relationship does more harm than good.

 

[poofyhairguy]

Regarding parents staying together "for the children" - my parents' divorce was the best thing that happened for us kids. There are plenty of circumstances where a shitty parental relationship does more harm than good.

Sure sure, I don't think it is black or white. If they dad is an abusive drunk or something there is no way staying together is a worth it.

But I have seen some cases where after a baby momma just isn't feeling it anymore. That might be a situation where riding it out is better.

It is all a case-by-case thing, which is why I hate assuming all poly relationships/marriages are bad for children. I just want to see some studies thats all.

 

[Perknose]

I could introduce you to many such relationships, they abound in the poly communities. It is just the messy ones you hear about.

I wasn't talking about "hearing about" any. I'm talking about the ones, over the years, I've known and seen up close and personal, and not one of them endured for long.

Additionally, imho, not one of the several I observed was all that effing healthy . . . not that I'm saying this isn't theoretically possible.

Finally, I agree with Vdub that the complexity and therefore the difficulties of such arrangements increases exponentially, and that all this is over and above the challenges of making a relationship with just one S.O. work over time.

All of the would be utopias -- polyamorous relationships, communes, democracy -- -- come crashing to earth because the constituent parts are us, and each and every one of us is wildly imperfect and often more emotional than rational.

For relationships, K.I.S.S.

As Pogo said, "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

 

[zephyrprime]

Freedom just leads to injustice and everyone just trying to fuck over everyone else in my opinion. This multiple wives issue is the perfect example of this. Too many guys would be disenfranchised if polygamy were allowed. That is the reason we can't have it - because having it would screw over too many people.

 

[jlee]

I wasn't talking about "hearing about" any. I'm talking about the ones, over the years, I've known and seen up close and personal, and not one of them endured for long.

Additionally, imho, not one of the several I observed was all that effing healthy . . . not that I'm saying this isn't theoretically possible.

Finally, I agree with Vdub that the complexity and therefore the difficulties of such arrangements increases exponentially, and that all this is over and above the challenges of making a relationship with just one S.O. work over time.

All of the would be utopias -- polyamorous relationships, communes, democracy -- -- come crashing to earth because the constituent parts are us, and each and every one of us is wildly imperfect and often more emotional than rational.

For relationships, K.I.S.S.

As Pogo said, "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

Haha I definitely agree, it certainly adds complexity! Instead of balancing two people that get along, you have to get three (or however many) to all get along with each other.

Over the last couple of years, my SO and I have become really good at effective communication. I think unhealthy aspects of any relationship will surface much faster when another person is added to the equation.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

Too many guys would be disenfranchised if polygamy were allowed. That is the reason we can't have it - because having it would screw over too many people.

Yeah, everyone knows the Constitution guarantees you a wife.

 

[Muse]

Hey, I was tripping the other day (I'm not talking drugs), and thinking about how some of the ancient kings, clan lords, chiefs or whatever, must have had the pick of any women they came across. Some of these guys accumulated big harems, undoubtedly.

I think in some places in the world you can do this, well, not the same as in ancient times, but you can have multiple wives. I have heard of such things.

 

[Muse]

Yeah, everyone knows the Constitution guarantees you a wife.

Wasn't that 20 acres and a mule?

 

[HeXen]

I had 2 g/f's once and we all got along fine. We enjoyed the threesome thing. It was when I tried to add a 3rd one behind both of their backs is when I lost all 3....but damn was it fun while it lasted. One was blonde, the other brunette...all I needed was a red head to complete the picture but I guess since the 3rd party was the blondes cousin, they felt it....well it didn't go down well.
I got greedy and lost them all but legally I could've only married one of them and not sure which one that would have been if I didn't screw it all up.

 

[SMOGZINN]

With everyone making guesses about how poly households with children work, let me give you a solid base on how it actually works.

First off we are talking about long term stable poly households, where there are multiple people that are in the role of parents.

The first rule is you don't talk to children about adult sex lives any more than a mono couple would. That means basically not at all. There is mommy, and daddy, and daddy, and mommy. They are all parents, and as far as I know no small kid has ever thought this strange. Sometimes they come home from school with questions about why their home life is different from their friends, and we address that when it happens. Just like any household that is different does. Just like Jewish households address why they don't celebrate Christmas or Easter. To kids it is not different, and in most cases superior, to having Mom and Dad each living in separate households each with a Step Mom or Dad. What kids care about is that there are people there that love and care for them. Poly households tend to have that in spades.

Next when there are people coming and going, as in poly dating situations (which I'm currently doing) we tend to keep that private from the kids. They are introduced as a friend, and if that friend becomes a more important part of our lives they become 'Boyfriend' or 'Girlfriend' to Mommy or Daddy. Once again this doesn't even faze most kids. If they ask questions we answer them as truthfully as possible in age appropriate detail.

 

[Perknose]

Yeah, everyone knows the Constitution guarantees you a wife.

It's in the Declaration of Independence, "Wife, wiberty, and the pursuit of sappiness."

 

[akugami]

I stopped there. What a ridiculous list. Women hate each other. Do you never watch reality tv?

All the documentaries I ever watch show women hugging and kissing...oh...wait...that's pron...



Stanley Ho has wives out the wazoo and they are all batshit crazy.

 

[SMOGZINN]

Haha I definitely agree, it certainly adds complexity! Instead of balancing two people that get along, you have to get three (or however many) to all get along with each other.

Over the last couple of years, my SO and I have become really good at effective communication. I think unhealthy aspects of any relationship will surface much faster when another person is added to the equation.

Opening up a previously monogam-ish relationship to poly rarely works, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes because it is a symptom of an already failing relationship. Sometimes because one of the members of the relationship did not go into it fully of their own violation.

But when people come into a relationship already knowing and accepting poly it works much better. Those sort of Poly relationships tend to be very stable because there are so many problem solving resources available to the polycule.

As Jlee mentioned poly relationship focus heavily on the communication aspect, that means that problems are addressed right away when they occur and are not left to fester until someone has been angry or bitter for so long they can't find a way to forgive.

When two of the members of a polycule are angry there is other members that are fully invested to talk to, comfort, and to help build bridges between them.

When finances are tight there are extra options to help keep the family afloat.

Multiple partners means a good variety of sexual experiences, that is very effective at holding off the sexual ennui that kills so many marriages. Multiple partners means someone to help take the burden of sexual desire off overstressed members. (And lets face it, in long term relationships unequal sexual drives can become a problem.)

If you think about it, this covers the majority of reasons that marriages fail.