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Who wants to help me out? *now with paper and pic!!*

Fenixgoon

Fenixgoon

Lifer
I remember somebody doing this before, so I thoguht why not. For my lit class I have an autobiography to write. If anyone would be willing to read it and make suggestions, I'll be glad to post it (and since my g/f is in there, post obligatory pics 😛).

*warning* its 5 pages + change!

Thanks

edit: Dir for Paper
Obligatory Pic 😀
and yeah, i know the pic is blurred!!!!
 
A very interesting read. Your side notes are effective and while the story isn't that engaging, you write well and have a very confident style (warm, not snide) that is nice to follow. Solid work, but the ending is a bit lacking?

Keep it up.
 
Originally posted by: spanky
requesting more revealing pics.
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well, they do exist but they're not in my possession (she took em when she was w/ her friends). i was able to obtain them for a short period of time 😀 at any rate, i don't have em, nor would i post them!


and thanks, Ogg! 🙂
 
I'd start by turning on the grammatical correction in Word (or the program you use) and correct the most obvious grammatical mistakes (yours truly, not your's truly, pretty much, not prettymuch).
Reading...
 
Originally posted by: Vaerilis
I'd start by turning on the grammatical correction in Word (or the program you use) and correct the most obvious grammatical mistakes (yours truly, not your's truly, pretty much, not prettymuch).
Reading...
Click to expand...

you know, i am human so i can make mistakes 😛

edit: aimster, both of my brothers went to UMD and one let me use is wam account, hehe
 
IMO, it's pretty good.

You paid attention to all the little details, even some seemingly unnecessary ones (but they should be there, the details and side notes make it a more enjojable read). Your thoughts and emotions on the changes in your situation are mentioned as well as the way others around you react to your decisions. The important characters in this period of your life are all there (except the ones introduced in the previous chapters, I assume) and you didn't stray from the subject. The story is easy to comprehend, the use of language is appropriate.

I think that you'll get an A for this. 🙂
 
what is with the HUGE 1 page paragraph? gotta break that up IMO. It can't be all one thought right? (I just skimmed it)
 
Originally posted by: memo
what is with the HUGE 1 page paragraph? gotta break that up IMO. It can't be all one thought right? (I just skimmed it)
Click to expand...

i tried keeping everything togeher.. but i'll give it another look and see if it needs to be broken up

edit: found some mistakes. always good to look over (even though i hate doing it)
 
i think the abbreviation "IM" in context instant message is not appropriate, try instant message or instant message on the internet. also in the same paragraph i think you should find a different word for guru, it sounds a bit weird there.

next paragraph: prettymuch needs to be two words

"Like giving a computer geek the latest and greatest parts, I was damn happy." 😀

good read: A

edit: simple mistakes
 
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