Who wants to help me out? *now with paper and pic!!*

Originally posted by: NOLOVE
A very interesting read. Your side notes are effective and while the story isn't that engaging, you write well and have a very confident style (warm, not snide) that is nice to follow. Solid work, but the ending is a bit lacking?

Keep it up.

Did you actually read it or were you BSing? If you did read it and reached that conclusion, I'm amazed.

You're right, the story isn't that engaging ... well, not even at all engaging. The first few lines put me to sleep.

The author needs to ask himself who his audience is. It appears he's talking to a casual friend and informally. His use of some vocabularies doesn't seem convincing, therefore. It appears he just looked up the thesaurus. Grammatical errors ... too much cliches.... Cut down on the side notes in parenthesis; rather, incorporate some of them into your other sentences and eliminate the others. I think some are necessary parts of your story.

Maybe I'm too critical, but your work needs overhauling. It lacks in structure and transition. The paragraphs need more breaks. Things start to work at the point where you begin going out with your girlfriend, but then you return to the slipshod writing. The last paragraph, the ending, especially needs work. Also, this is supposed to be an autobiography, but I haven't even learned anything about this guy narrating the story. This story is just a chapter in an autobiography, but it's hard to appreciate it if you don't know who this is, and this chapter fails to reveal much about the author.

You have to give your reader a reason to go past the first sentence. You have to get your reader engaged. You have failed to do that, in my opinion. I could just be too critical, having done this almost as a....

 

[Fenixgoon]

Originally posted by: DearQT

Originally posted by: NOLOVE
A very interesting read. Your side notes are effective and while the story isn't that engaging, you write well and have a very confident style (warm, not snide) that is nice to follow. Solid work, but the ending is a bit lacking?

Keep it up.

Did you actually read it or were you BSing? If you did read it and reached that conclusion, I'm amazed.

You're right, the story isn't that engaging ... well, not even at all engaging. The first few lines put me to sleep.

The author needs to ask himself who his audience is. It appears he's talking to a casual friend and informally. His use of some vocabularies doesn't seem convincing, therefore. It appears he just looked up the thesaurus. Grammatical errors ... too much cliches.... Cut down on the side notes in parenthesis; rather, incorporate some of them into your other sentences and eliminate the others. I think some are necessary parts of your story.

Maybe I'm too critical, but your work needs overhauling. It lacks in structure and transition. The paragraphs need more breaks. Things start to work at the point where you begin going out with your girlfriend, but then you return to the slipshod writing. The last paragraph, the ending, especially needs work. Also, this is supposed to be an autobiography, but I haven't even learned anything about this guy narrating the story. This story is just a chapter in an autobiography, but it's hard to appreciate it if you don't know who this is, and this chapter fails to reveal much about the author.

You have to give your reader a reason to go past the first sentence. You have to get your reader engaged. You have failed to do that, in my opinion. I could just be too critical, having done this almost as a....

i understand where you're coming from. my writing assignment is just that: a chapter from my own autobiography. i guess it would help if you knew me personally, too. not to mention, i wrote this in something like 45 minutes and didn't bother making any changes before posting it.

one other thing, as much as you say it needs correction, what needs correcting? that's like saying ATI needs to make a better card to beat the 6800ultra. you say what needs to be done, but not how to do it.

 

Try reading this link: Writing an autobiography. I think it should be helpful.

I think what you need the most is restructuring your paragraphs and arranging them in helpful ways. You also need to implant an idea that your readers can extract from your essay. I don't think your ideas are arranged in a way that would make it easy for the reader to connect dots and gather much about you. I should be able to know much about you as a person (e.g., your philosophy, identity) when I'm done reading your essay.

P.S. What's with this sentence: "For me, running by 'itself' was complete and utter monotony- a terrible curse placed on mankind"? Perhaps you should eliminate "by", since "by" changes the meaning of the sentence? You should consider saying, "For, to me, running was itself a complete and utter monotony: a terrible curse placed on mankind." To be honest, that particular paragraph contains unnecessary sentences, while some of the sentences are lacking in transition. You would be even better off getting rid of some of them.

 

[Lorn]

Originally posted by: DearQT

Originally posted by: NOLOVE
A very interesting read. Your side notes are effective and while the story isn't that engaging, you write well and have a very confident style (warm, not snide) that is nice to follow. Solid work, but the ending is a bit lacking?

Keep it up.

Did you actually read it or were you BSing? If you did read it and reached that conclusion, I'm amazed.

Of course your conclusions are the end-all and be-all... pardon me. You should work on an autobiography of your own - I'm sure your ego would love that.