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What's the best "safe-for-work" joke you've got?

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I have GOT to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the guy to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will NEVER forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
 
Originally posted by: datalink7
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I have GOT to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the guy to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will NEVER forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Click to expand...

Definitely has to be with the right crowd but that's pretty funny.
 
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
 
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
 
What's the difference between a female rafting guide and a hockey player?

Even a hockey player takes a shower after 3 periods. 😀

Credit goes to my whitewater rafting guide a few months ago.
 
Man goes to shrink
Man: Doc, my brother is crazy, he thinks he's a chicken
Dr: Well, have him committed
Man: I would, but I need the eggs.

As heard from Woody Allens character in Annie Hall
 
A byte walks into a bar, and the bartender asks it "What's wrong?"
"Parity Error," says the byte.
The bartender replies "Ahhh, I thought you looked a bit off."


Success of this joke is directly proportional to the nerdiness of the person hearing it.
 
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow w-
MOOOOO!

or

What's the best part about having sex with twenty two year olds?
There are twenty of them.
 
I've never heard a truly clean joke, so I'll try to instantly come up with one . . . hmmmm, perhaps a current news limerick:

There once was a girl from Brazil
Who suddenly fell quite ill
Despite her stern pleas
They cut off her knees
Her stomach, her arms, now she's still.
 
A Buddhist monk tells a city hot dog vendor
"Make me one with everything."
He pays with a $20 bill and after waiting awhile asks for his change.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

 
Originally posted by: datalink7
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I have GOT to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the guy to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will NEVER forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Click to expand...

I love this joke

Originally posted by: MrPickins
A byte walks into a bar, and the bartender asks it "What's wrong?"
"Parity Error," says the byte.
The bartender replies "Ahhh, I thought you looked a bit off."


Success of this joke is directly proportional to the nerdiness of the person hearing it.
Click to expand...

I laughed... Does that make me a nerd?

Originally posted by: Perknose
I've never heard a truly clean joke, so I'll try to instantly come up with one . . . hmmmm, perhaps a current news limerick:

There once was a girl from Brazil
Who suddenly fell quite ill
Despite her stern pleas
They cut off her knees
Her stomach, her arms, now she's still.
Click to expand...

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Fuckin hilarious dude. You won the thread so far.
 
Originally posted by: MrPickins
A byte walks into a bar, and the bartender asks it "What's wrong?"
"Parity Error," says the byte.
The bartender replies "Ahhh, I thought you looked a bit off."


Success of this joke is directly proportional to the nerdiness of the person hearing it.
Click to expand...

that was the first nerd joke i've ever laughed at.
 
The original as I heard it:

What does an Englishman do after his country wins the world cup?

Turns off the playstation.

This can be altered to abuse fans of many sports teams.
 
Originally posted by: Mwilding
The original as I heard it:

What does a Lion's fan do after his country wins the superbowl?

Turns off the playstation 3.

This can be altered to abuse fans of many sports teams.
Click to expand...

Originally posted by: Mwilding
The original as I heard it:

What does a Brown's fan do after his country wins the superbowl?

Turns off the playstation 3.

This can be altered to abuse fans of many sports teams.
Click to expand...

Wow that's amazing, it really CAN be altered to abuse fans of any team
 
Originally posted by: MrPickins
A byte walks into a bar, and the bartender asks it "What's wrong?"
"Parity Error," says the byte.
The bartender replies "Ahhh, I thought you looked a bit off."


Success of this joke is directly proportional to the nerdiness of the person hearing it.
Click to expand...

LOL Thats awesome
 
Originally posted by: Farang
What's the worst part about raping a five year old boy?

You get blood all over your clown suit.
Click to expand...

What's the best part about sex with twenty five year olds.

There's twenty of them.

(it works better when you say it, not type it)
 
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