What is the funniest joke you know?

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Z

zylander

Platinum Member
Aug 25, 2002
2,501
0
76
Originally posted by: The Pentium Guy
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

This is an actual conversation between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

:D
Click to expand...

hehehe, I like that one.
 
L

lein

Senior member
Mar 8, 2005
620
0
0
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.


The moral of this story is:
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
 
D

Dritnul

Senior member
Jan 9, 2006
781
0
0
Originally posted by: lein
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.


The moral of this story is:
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
Click to expand...



nice one
 
eits

eits

Lifer
Jun 4, 2005
25,015
3
81
www.integratedssr.com
Originally posted by: azev
my Favorites

OUR WIFE/GF DAILY PRAYER

Armani, Which art in Hermes,
Hallowed be thy Gucci.
Thy Cartier watch, Thy Prada bag,
On Rodeo, As it is in Tiffany's.

Give us this day our Visa Titanium
And forgive us this overdraft,
As we forgive those who decline our Mastercard.

Lead us not into JC Penney, And deliver us from Sears.
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier, and the Versace,
For Dolce and Gabana...

Amex .....
Click to expand...

gayest joke ever.
 
Punter

Punter

Senior member
Jul 21, 2006
318
1
81
So an egg and a chicken are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigar and the egg is looking disraught. The chicken then turns to the egg and says "I guess that answers that question."
 
C

Cristatus

Diamond Member
Oct 13, 2004
3,908
2
81
Originally posted by: walrus
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole daythinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Click to expand...

Heard this one before, but I still like it :D
 
R

randay

Lifer
May 30, 2006
11,018
216
106
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Its gonna take me a while to get hard, I got laid this morning.
 
lokiju

lokiju

Lifer
May 29, 2003
18,526
5
0
One day a hunter saw a bear and was about to fire when the bear held up his paw and said, "After all, Mr. Hunter all you want is a fur coat, and all I want is a full stomach. Can't we use some diplomacy and sit down and negotiate this problem."

So the hunter sat down to negotiate. The bear was right. The hunter got a fur coat and the bear got a full stomach.
 
T

TheNinja

Lifer
Jan 22, 2003
12,207
1
0
q: "What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?"


a: "One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker!"
 
Scarpozzi

Scarpozzi

Lifer
Jun 13, 2000
26,392
1,780
126
A guy walks into the men's room to take a leak. He's standing there at the urinal when a 3 foot man walks up beside him and whips out the largest penis he's ever seen. The thing was HUGE! The guy says, "Hey buddy, I normally wouldn't say anything, but that thing is impressive!" The short man replies, "Well, I'm a leprechan and we're all this big..." A minute later, the leprechan asks, "I don't normally do this, but I can grant you 1 wish to make your penis this big if you let me f@#* you up the ass." The guy replies, "No....never. I would never do that." He walks over to the sink to wash his hands and starts thinking...."wow....this is a chance for me to be set for life and have the biggest manhood and get all the ladies." He is finally convinced and tells the leprechan, "Alright, you have yourself a deal."

The man takes his pants down and puts his hands on the wall....The leprechan walks up behind him and starts doing him. "BAM!! BAM!! BAM!!" The guy says, "I can't believe I'm doing this..." The leprechan says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechan"
 
D

DaShen

Lifer
Dec 1, 2000
10,710
1
0
Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
A guy walks into the men's room to take a leak. He's standing there at the urinal when a 3 foot man walks up beside him and whips out the largest penis he's ever seen. The thing was HUGE! The guy says, "Hey buddy, I normally wouldn't say anything, but that thing is impressive!" The short man replies, "Well, I'm a leprechan and we're all this big..." A minute later, the leprechan asks, "I don't normally do this, but I can grant you 1 wish to make your penis this big if you let me f@#* you up the ass." The guy replies, "No....never. I would never do that." He walks over to the sink to wash his hands and starts thinking...."wow....this is a chance for me to be set for life and have the biggest manhood and get all the ladies." He is finally convinced and tells the leprechan, "Alright, you have yourself a deal."

The man takes his pants down and puts his hands on the wall....The leprechan walks up behind him and starts doing him. "BAM!! BAM!! BAM!!" The guy says, "I can't believe I'm doing this..." The leprechan says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechan"
Click to expand...

<shudders> ;)
 
D

DaShen

Lifer
Dec 1, 2000
10,710
1
0
Originally posted by: DrPizza
Every Friday afternoon, a physicist goes down to the bar, sits in the
second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a
girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but
keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist makes
a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the
better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions,
but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why
do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space
is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existance and vanish all
the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a
beautiful girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you
just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER
a drink? Never know... she might say yes."

The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"
Click to expand...

That one is cute ;)
 
C

CDC Mail Guy

Golden Member
May 2, 2005
1,213
0
71
Originally posted by: fliguy84
Most of my favorite jokes tend to be racist. So I just put one which I read in RD.

Where do pirates go for breakfast?

I Hop!
Click to expand...
I thought that was where a one legged man goes to eat? And a Pirate goes to Aaarrrbys!
 
uallas5

uallas5

Golden Member
Jun 3, 2005
1,677
1,963
136
3 guys are working skeleton crew on an oil rig out in the ocean. After a few months they're really bored, but vacations are coming up. When the first guy is about to go on vacation, the other two tell him to bring something back with him for entertainment. He comes back with a box of various games. This entertains them for little while but then they're bored again.

The 2nd guy goes on vaction and comes back with a deck of cards and a book of 100 card games. This also entertains them for little while but then they're bored again.

The 3rd guy goes on vacation and comes back with a box of Tampex Tampons. "What the fck are we supposed to do with these?" demand the other two men.

"Read the box. With these you can play play tennis, swim, go horseback riding...."
 
C

CravenTacos

Senior member
Aug 15, 2005
244
0
0
Originally posted by: uallas5
3 guys are working skeleton crew on an oil rig out in the ocean. After a few months they're really bored, but vacations are coming up. When the first guy is about to go on vacation, the other two tell him to bring something back with him for entertainment. He comes back with a box of various games. This entertains them for little while but then they're bored again.
The 2nd guy goes on vaction and comes back with a deck of cards and a book of 100 card games. This also entertains them for little while but then they're bored again.
The 3rd guy goes on vacation and comes back with a box of Tampex Tampons. "What the fck are we supposed to do with these?" demand the other two men.
"Read the box. With these you can play play tennis, swim, go horseback riding...."
Click to expand...


I heard it a little differently...
--------------------------
A young boy goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist "Could you help me find the tampons?".
Slightly unnerved, the pharmacist asks the boy "what on earth do you need tampons for?"
The boy says "oh don't worry, they are for my brother!"
The pharmacist, quite concerned now, asks the boy"Do you know what these are for?"
The boy says "Sure I do. But I already know how to swim, play tennis, and ride horses, it's my brother who needs to learn!"


oh and

What do gay horses eat???
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey
 
F

fLum0x

Golden Member
Jun 4, 2004
1,660
0
0
Originally posted by: JohnAn2112
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
Click to expand...

i laughed
 
walrus

walrus

Golden Member
Dec 18, 2000
1,544
13
81
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender, being the observant sort, noticed right off that the pig had a wooden leg. He goes over to the man and asks about it.
The man says "For a beer I'll tell you all about this very special pig." The bartender figures it's got to be a good story and so gives the man a beer. The man starts "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. About a year ago my house caught on fire at night. This pig broke out of his pen, came into the house, dragged my two littlest children to safety, woke me and my wife and then guided us out of the house. This pig saved my life and my family's lives."
The bartender, impressed but still wondering about the leg, asks "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says "For another beer I'll tell you about this very special pig." The bartender, hooked, gives him another beer. The man says "Out behind my house is a small lake. I was out sailing on it when the boat capsized. I cracked my head on the boom and couldn't swim. This pig broke out of his pen, swam out to me and dragged me to shore. He then went into the house and got my wife to come out. She gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. This pig saved my life."
The bartender, fascinated but getting a little impatient, asks "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"
The man says "For another beer...." The bartender gives him another beer. The man says "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during a tornado I was on my way to the basement when I stepped onto a rake and knocked myself out. This pig broke out of his pen and dragged me into the basement. He saved my life."
The bartender, figuring this has got to be the last story, says, "Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, a tornado and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says "Well sir, with a pig this special you don't eat it all at once."
 
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