ktehmok
Diamond Member
- Aug 4, 2001
- 4,326
- 0
- 76
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Anyway, I pretty much shot her down...because I'm a giant asshole (I'm sure that is sig worthy).Seriously, she was in tears at a couple points during the conversation. I didn't mean to be so harsh but geez, sometimes she just doesn't think things through when emotions are involved.
Background: We have a healthy, happy, 5 year old son. We haven't been trying real hard to have another but we haven't been trying to prevent it either. In fact, we're pretty sure she had a miscarriage a couple years ago (if you want the details on that I'll elaborate). Anyway, she is adopted and she's talked on and off over the years about adopting but I've always been lukewarm on the issue.
Then she brings it up again last night. I was stunned quite frankly, we have been having a difficult time with her career lately, just making ends meet, depleting our savings and she wants to adopt a child? :shocked: We have a nice house, nice cars and make a decent living but if the real estate market continues the way it has there's just no way we can afford it right now without giving up something...like the house and/or her car (mine is almost paid for).
Anyway, I spelled it out for her. I basically would be fine making some sacrifices if she were to become pregnant with a child of our making but I'm not willing to change my life for a child that isn't mine. Try explaining those feelings to a woman who was adopted...fuck, I can't win...hence the tears.
Women...gotta love em.
She probably misses having a baby around. But doesn't want to go through the physical stress of having another.
Shit, I'm a man and I can admit I miss having a little one around. Once they're out of the house & in school, there is a small pain that you feel. I can honestly say I don't miss the diapers. But that is a small price to pay for a whole lot of joy.
You have made your decision, for now. You won't be allowed to adopt if your are not onboard 100%.
You can always do this later in life. Even when you are too old to have your own.
moshquerade
No Lifer
- Nov 1, 2001
- 61,504
- 12
- 56
i do love 'em. i love her compassion and her selflessness. she sounds like a wonderful mother that some other lucky child out there is longing to have.Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Anyway, I pretty much shot her down...because I'm a giant asshole (I'm sure that is sig worthy).
Background: We have a healthy, happy, 5 year old son. We haven't been trying real hard to have another but we haven't been trying to prevent it either. In fact, we're pretty sure she had a miscarriage a couple years ago (if you want the details on that I'll elaborate). Anyway, she is adopted and she's talked on and off over the years about adopting but I've always been lukewarm on the issue.
Then she brings it up again last night. I was stunned quite frankly, we have been having a difficult time with her career lately, just making ends meet, depleting our savings and she wants to adopt a child? :shocked: We have a nice house, nice cars and make a decent living but if the real estate market continues the way it has there's just no way we can afford it right now without giving up something...like the house and/or her car (mine is almost paid for).
Anyway, I spelled it out for her. I basically would be fine making some sacrifices if she were to become pregnant with a child of our making but I'm not willing to change my life for a child that isn't mine. Try explaining those feelings to a woman who was adopted...fuck, I can't win...hence the tears.
Women...gotta love em.
don't let material things get in your way. you are a smart guy, i know you can afford to have two children. look around... there are people just like yourself who are doing fine with two kids.
also, your son would benefit from having a sibling.
and i guarantee after you look into that child's eyes you will look back and regret balking at the idea.
Tell her you really just wan't her to carry another one of your children. On the sly bank some sperm, get vasectomy, and enjoy until you get caught.
- Jul 3, 2003
- 74,584
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Somebody being influenced by her past...imagine that. The nerve of them. I'm sure her position is she wants to give back to the system that allowed her to have a fairly normal childhood.
Originally posted by: ShadowOfMyself
Because in ATOT disagreeing with someone makes them ignorant
Its nice of people to love someone like they were their own child, but thats not required by natures standards, thats all, so dont look down on someone just because they value their own kids above everyone else
I knew I shouldnt have come into this thread though, so I will quickly leave before something ignites
Do that. You seriously sound like you are about 18. Am I right?
- Jul 3, 2003
- 74,584
- 984
- 126
Originally posted by: ktehmok
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Anyway, I pretty much shot her down...because I'm a giant asshole (I'm sure that is sig worthy).
Background: We have a healthy, happy, 5 year old son. We haven't been trying real hard to have another but we haven't been trying to prevent it either. In fact, we're pretty sure she had a miscarriage a couple years ago (if you want the details on that I'll elaborate). Anyway, she is adopted and she's talked on and off over the years about adopting but I've always been lukewarm on the issue.
Then she brings it up again last night. I was stunned quite frankly, we have been having a difficult time with her career lately, just making ends meet, depleting our savings and she wants to adopt a child? :shocked: We have a nice house, nice cars and make a decent living but if the real estate market continues the way it has there's just no way we can afford it right now without giving up something...like the house and/or her car (mine is almost paid for).
Anyway, I spelled it out for her. I basically would be fine making some sacrifices if she were to become pregnant with a child of our making but I'm not willing to change my life for a child that isn't mine. Try explaining those feelings to a woman who was adopted...fuck, I can't win...hence the tears.
Women...gotta love em.
She probably misses having a baby around. But doesn't want to go through the physical stress of having another.
Shit, I'm a man and I can admit I miss having a little one around. Once they're out of the house & in school, there is a small pain that you feel. I can honestly say I don't miss the diapers. But that is a small price to pay for a whole lot of joy.
You have made your decision, for now. You won't be allowed to adopt if your are not onboard 100%.
You can always do this later in life. Even when you are too old to have your own.
Yeah, I miss those days too. Although, just this morning I was sitting in our comfy chair in the family room watching cartoons with my son and he climbed up into my lap and put his head on my shoulder. I love those moments...wish they could last forever.
This all came about because she was showing a house to a couple on Friday who had adopted a 4 month old and a 15 month old baby. Of course, she was holding the baby and that is what inspired her to bring this up I guess.
JulesMaximus, I hear you. Yeah, in the heat of the moment words don't always come the way you intend them to, and you might have said some insensitive thing, but the bottom line is that through thousands of years (millions) every organism has the drive to procreate and continue the gene line ingrained. Humans are no different. Yes, you can adopt and love a child, and that's great for both the parent and the child..... but an adopted child does not have your genes and it's perfectly normal for someone to not be interested in adopting, it goes against what nature has wired into you.
Thankfully there are people out there who can get past the wiring and have enough love in their hearts to adopt other kids, but it's certainly not something everyone should be "expected" to want to do. I understand your wife's feelings given her perspective, but if she doesn't understand that it's not something you feel comfortable with, there's not much you can do about it, she's just going to have to deal with it.
Thankfully there are people out there who can get past the wiring and have enough love in their hearts to adopt other kids, but it's certainly not something everyone should be "expected" to want to do. I understand your wife's feelings given her perspective, but if she doesn't understand that it's not something you feel comfortable with, there's not much you can do about it, she's just going to have to deal with it.
AnitaPeterson
Diamond Member
- Apr 24, 2001
- 6,021
- 547
- 126
Many women are like that... guys can't seem to understand it, maybe it's the different genetic make-up... women just WANT children.
Y'all really should go ahead and watch "Juno"... there's a couple of characters which really provides food for thought...
Y'all really should go ahead and watch "Juno"... there's a couple of characters which really provides food for thought...
ColdFusion718
Diamond Member
- Mar 4, 2000
- 3,496
- 9
- 81
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Anyway, I pretty much shot her down...because I'm a giant asshole (I'm sure that is sig worthy).
Background: We have a healthy, happy, 5 year old son. We haven't been trying real hard to have another but we haven't been trying to prevent it either. In fact, we're pretty sure she had a miscarriage a couple years ago (if you want the details on that I'll elaborate). Anyway, she is adopted and she's talked on and off over the years about adopting but I've always been lukewarm on the issue.
Then she brings it up again last night. I was stunned quite frankly, we have been having a difficult time with her career lately, just making ends meet, depleting our savings and she wants to adopt a child? :shocked: We have a nice house, nice cars and make a decent living but if the real estate market continues the way it has there's just no way we can afford it right now without giving up something...like the house and/or her car (mine is almost paid for).
Anyway, I spelled it out for her. I basically would be fine making some sacrifices if she were to become pregnant with a child of our making but I'm not willing to change my life for a child that isn't mine. Try explaining those feelings to a woman who was adopted...fuck, I can't win...hence the tears.
Women...gotta love em.
Haha that's where you shot yourself in the foot. You had a better chance if you said that money is really tight to have another child at the moment and you'd consider having this conversation again in the future when money isn't as tight as it is now.
I don't agree with you at least half of the time, probably because we're both assholes so it doesn't work out well, but I'd say you were in the right on this one (other than your mishap with the line about changing your life for a child that's not your own) overall.
If you know that financially you're having a tough time now then of course it doesn't make sense to adopt. You can't expect someone to use that kind of logic (or accept it for that matter) if they're strongly emotionally tied (she was adopted, now she wants to do the same).
I would say apologize to her for making the stupid remark in the heat of the moment but that wasn't your intention and to tell her that financially it's just not feasible, especially since there are adopting fees and whatnot.
If you know that financially you're having a tough time now then of course it doesn't make sense to adopt. You can't expect someone to use that kind of logic (or accept it for that matter) if they're strongly emotionally tied (she was adopted, now she wants to do the same).
I would say apologize to her for making the stupid remark in the heat of the moment but that wasn't your intention and to tell her that financially it's just not feasible, especially since there are adopting fees and whatnot.
meltdown75
Lifer
- Nov 17, 2004
- 37,548
- 7
- 81
- Jul 3, 2003
- 74,584
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:laugh: Thanks...I guess.
I know I said some things to her that didn't come out right...or as I intended and it's not like she was weeping uncontrollably but she did tear up a couple times.
Like I said earlier, she realized that the timing isn't good for us to even consider this right now and I did apologize to her for some of the things I said. We've moved on and it's not an issue anymore. Will she bring it up again in the future? Perhaps. I don't know.
Thanks for all the comments everyone. :beer:
genetics? As animals we want OUR offspring to survive, not someone elses.
My question to the OP is would she want to adopt a child that is already in America or does she want to adopt from over seas. This will be a good litmus test. If she wants to adopt a foreign kid she is wanting to do it as a status symbol.
What?
Oh.
Aside from that, you might want to gently suggest in whatever manner is appropriate that you'd have to think something like this over for a while...
EDIT: This is also why I'm a huge advocate of hedonism and not getting hitched/having children at all. Too much trouble.
moshquerade
No Lifer
- Nov 1, 2001
- 61,504
- 12
- 56
Fern
Elite Member
- Sep 30, 2003
- 26,907
- 174
- 106
Seems to me a very important, if not the most importantsue/question has not been addressed here, or even mentioned yet:
Why does she want to adopt a child?
There can be several reasons.
So far I mostly see that you do NOT find it "onvenient" So, it's your feeling of inconvenience vs. her feeling of what exactly?
Fern
Why does she want to adopt a child?
There can be several reasons.
So far I mostly see that you do NOT find it "onvenient" So, it's your feeling of inconvenience vs. her feeling of what exactly?
Fern
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