Wasn't going to post this but here goes...

[JulesMaximus]

Anyway, I pretty much shot her down...because I'm a giant asshole (I'm sure that is sig worthy). Seriously, she was in tears at a couple points during the conversation. I didn't mean to be so harsh but geez, sometimes she just doesn't think things through when emotions are involved.

Background: We have a healthy, happy, 5 year old son. We haven't been trying real hard to have another but we haven't been trying to prevent it either. In fact, we're pretty sure she had a miscarriage a couple years ago (if you want the details on that I'll elaborate). Anyway, she is adopted and she's talked on and off over the years about adopting but I've always been lukewarm on the issue.

Then she brings it up again last night. I was stunned quite frankly, we have been having a difficult time with her career lately, just making ends meet, depleting our savings and she wants to adopt a child? :shocked: We have a nice house, nice cars and make a decent living but if the real estate market continues the way it has there's just no way we can afford it right now without giving up something...like the house and/or her car (mine is almost paid for).

Anyway, I spelled it out for her. I basically would be fine making some sacrifices if she were to become pregnant with a child of our making but I'm not willing to change my life for a child that isn't mine. Try explaining those feelings to a woman who was adopted...fuck, I can't win...hence the tears.

Women...gotta love em.

Edit-I know I said some things to her that didn't come out right...or as I intended and it's not like she was weeping uncontrollably but she did tear up a couple times.

Like I said earlier, she realized that the timing isn't good for us to even consider this right now and I did apologize to her for some of the things I said. We've moved on and it's not an issue anymore. Will she bring it up again in the future? Perhaps. I don't know.

Thanks for all the comments everyone. :beer:

 

[BoomerD]

Yeah, I'd say you're definitely fucked (or not) for a while...if she weren't adopted herself, you MIGHT have made some intelligent points, BUT, once you crossed that line where (to her) you said that adopted children were valueless and should be thrown away...your case went into the crapper...

 

[thepd7]

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Anyway, I pretty much shot her down...because I'm a giant asshole (I'm sure that is sig worthy). Seriously, she was in tears at a couple points during the conversation. I didn't mean to be so harsh but geez, sometimes she just doesn't think things through when emotions are involved.

Background: We have a healthy, happy, 5 year old son. We haven't been trying real hard to have another but we haven't been trying to prevent it either. In fact, we're pretty sure she had a miscarriage a couple years ago (if you want the details on that I'll elaborate). Anyway, she is adopted and she's talked on and off over the years about adopting but I've always been lukewarm on the issue.

Then she brings it up again last night. I was stunned quite frankly, we have been having a difficult time with her career lately, just making ends meet, depleting our savings and she wants to adopt a child? :shocked: We have a nice house, nice cars and make a decent living but if the real estate market continues the way it has there's just no way we can afford it right now without giving up something...like the house and/or her car (mine is almost paid for).

Anyway, I spelled it out for her. I basically would be fine making some sacrifices if she were to become pregnant with a child of our making but I'm not willing to change my life for a child that isn't mine. Try explaining those feelings to a woman who was adopted...fuck, I can't win...hence the tears.

Women...gotta love em.

It's not because she's a woman...it's because she's a person. You just told her that adopted people aren't worth as much effort or sacrifice. GG, asshole.

 

[bctbct]

Try someone else in the batters box, cheaper than adoption

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: BoomerD
Yeah, I'd say you're definitely fucked (or not) for a while...if she weren't adopted herself, you MIGHT have made some intelligent points, BUT, once you crossed that line where (to her) you said that adopted children were valueless and should be thrown away...your case went into the crapper...

I never said that. Nor did I intend it to come off like that. I think it takes a special person to adopt a child...I am not that person. Could I love an adopted child? Yes. But this is not something we can really deal with right now.

 

[Farang]

Game over, man.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Anyway, I pretty much shot her down...because I'm a giant asshole (I'm sure that is sig worthy). Seriously, she was in tears at a couple points during the conversation. I didn't mean to be so harsh but geez, sometimes she just doesn't think things through when emotions are involved.

Background: We have a healthy, happy, 5 year old son. We haven't been trying real hard to have another but we haven't been trying to prevent it either. In fact, we're pretty sure she had a miscarriage a couple years ago (if you want the details on that I'll elaborate). Anyway, she is adopted and she's talked on and off over the years about adopting but I've always been lukewarm on the issue.

Then she brings it up again last night. I was stunned quite frankly, we have been having a difficult time with her career lately, just making ends meet, depleting our savings and she wants to adopt a child? :shocked: We have a nice house, nice cars and make a decent living but if the real estate market continues the way it has there's just no way we can afford it right now without giving up something...like the house and/or her car (mine is almost paid for).

Anyway, I spelled it out for her. I basically would be fine making some sacrifices if she were to become pregnant with a child of our making but I'm not willing to change my life for a child that isn't mine. Try explaining those feelings to a woman who was adopted...fuck, I can't win...hence the tears.

Women...gotta love em.

It's not because she's a woman...it's because she's a person. You just told her that adopted people aren't worth as much effort or sacrifice. GG, asshole.

No, I said that I'm not willing to go through the process of adopting a child. Yeah, it may be selfish of me but by no means does it mean that I think adopted people aren't worth as much effort or sacrifice.

It was a different time when her parents adopted her.

BTW-I thought we were friends...

 

[BoomerD]

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus

Originally posted by: BoomerD
Yeah, I'd say you're definitely fucked (or not) for a while...if she weren't adopted herself, you MIGHT have made some intelligent points, BUT, once you crossed that line where (to her) you said that adopted children were valueless and should be thrown away...your case went into the crapper...

I never said that. Nor did I intend it to come off like that. I think it takes a special person to adopt a child...I am not that person. Could I love an adopted child? Yes. But this is not something we can really deal with right now.

Hell yes you did...maybe not in those exact words, but I'll bet it was her perception of what you said in this comment:

basically would be fine making some sacrifices if she were to become pregnant with a child of our making but I'm not willing to change my life for a child that isn't mine.

With most women, that might have made some sense, but since you say she was adopted, she has a different perspective...obviously, someone adopted her...and cared enough to make those sacrifices for a child that wasn't theirs...

Now personally, I agree with you. It DOES take a special person to adopt a child and make it theirs. I too am NOT one of those people, but my grandparents were...

It's not always what you say, but what she hears you say...

 

[ShadowOfMyself]

Originally posted by: thepd7

It's not because she's a woman...it's because she's a person. You just told her that adopted people aren't worth as much effort or sacrifice. GG, asshole.

And they arent, no adopted kid should ever be as valuable to anyone as their own, thats nonsensical

I would have said the same anyway... And theres too much of a whinning factor there "boo hoo I was adopted so I must adopt someone else" ?

First off if she truly wants to adopt someone, she should do it regardless of being adopted or not, that just shows shes being totally influenced by her past

Some people will probably think Im an ass but I just like to be frontal with this stuff

Dont back up on your point

 

[Tiamat]

Talking to a woman (that is being emotional unstable) about things that can only make her more emotional is never easy. I guess that you should have stressed that you can adopt a child at anytime, now is not a great time financially to fund adopting a child. However, if she were to become pregnant, you would do everything you could to support that child even in this time of financial stress. You might still be able to reason with her about this point.

 

[kranky]

Originally posted by: ShadowOfMyself
And they arent, no adopted kid should ever be as valuable to anyone as their own, thats nonsensical

I'm guessing you don't know anyone personally who has adopted a child, or else you'd realize how ignorant your statement is.

 

[flunky nassau]

Interesting topic. Just got me thinking:

Can you name ONE unselfish reason for wanting to have your own baby over adopting one?

 

[RapidSnail]

Originally posted by: kranky

Originally posted by: ShadowOfMyself
And they arent, no adopted kid should ever be as valuable to anyone as their own, thats nonsensical

I'm guessing you don't know anyone personally who has adopted a child, or else you'd realize how ignorant your statement is.

Yeah, that was a dumbass comment. My good cousin is adopted and his parents would not trade him for anything. Love surpasses ancestry.

 

[ShadowOfMyself]

Originally posted by: kranky

Originally posted by: ShadowOfMyself
And they arent, no adopted kid should ever be as valuable to anyone as their own, thats nonsensical

I'm guessing you don't know anyone personally who has adopted a child, or else you'd realize how ignorant your statement is.

Because in ATOT disagreeing with someone makes them ignorant

Its nice of people to love someone like they were their own child, but thats not required by natures standards, thats all, so dont look down on someone just because they value their own kids above everyone else

I knew I shouldnt have come into this thread though, so I will quickly leave before something ignites

 

[RapidSnail]

Originally posted by: flunky nassau
Interesting topic. Just got me thinking:

Can you name ONE unselfish reason for wanting to have your own baby over adopting one?

Wanting to have your own baby is selfish?

 

[AreaCode7O7]

An adopted child IS your own.

You could have made a valid argument for not wanting more kids, but when you said you'd make sacrifices for your own and not an adopted child, you screwed up. The subtext is that you value a genetically related child more than an adopted one, and since she IS adopted, she draws all sorts of unpleasant parallels.

 

[ChaoZ]

Originally posted by: AreaCode707
An adopted child IS your own.

It's not without the papers.

 

[Lonyo]

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus

Originally posted by: BoomerD
Yeah, I'd say you're definitely fucked (or not) for a while...if she weren't adopted herself, you MIGHT have made some intelligent points, BUT, once you crossed that line where (to her) you said that adopted children were valueless and should be thrown away...your case went into the crapper...

I never said that. Nor did I intend it to come off like that. I think it takes a special person to adopt a child...I am not that person. Could I love an adopted child? Yes. But this is not something we can really deal with right now.

You could suggest that given your current financial situation it might not be best for either your and her, nor the child, to bring them into the family when you may soon face hard times.

 

[DangerAardvark]

You guys need to decide if you want another kid or not before you talk about adoption. It sounds like you were comfortable with the possibility of another child, just not the certainty.

 

[flunky nassau]

Originally posted by: RapidSnail

Originally posted by: flunky nassau
Interesting topic. Just got me thinking:

Can you name ONE unselfish reason for wanting to have your own baby over adopting one?

Wanting to have your own baby is selfish?

Wanting to have your own baby is not selfish, but if you extend the sentence to: Wanting to have your own baby over adopting one; then I can't think of a single unselfish reason to justify it.

 

[thedarkwolf]

My sister is adopted and not even the same race in redneck Wv. They were pretty broke at the time and I was against but being 10 what could you do but I've gotten over it. She is my sister.

Go to the pound a get a puppy. That will shut her up.

 

[jpeyton]

Adopt a Cambodian baby. I hear that's the "in" thing right now.

 

[RapidSnail]

Originally posted by: flunky nassau

Originally posted by: RapidSnail

Originally posted by: flunky nassau
Interesting topic. Just got me thinking:

Can you name ONE unselfish reason for wanting to have your own baby over adopting one?

Wanting to have your own baby is selfish?

But can you name one unselfish reason? I'm not coming down on you, I'm just posing a question in general.

I'm asking why it's considered selfish in the first place though.

 

[Fritzo]

I would insist on adopting a 17 year old Asian girl.

 

[kranky]

Originally posted by: ShadowOfMyself

Originally posted by: kranky

Originally posted by: ShadowOfMyself
And they arent, no adopted kid should ever be as valuable to anyone as their own, thats nonsensical

I'm guessing you don't know anyone personally who has adopted a child, or else you'd realize how ignorant your statement is.

Because in ATOT disagreeing with someone makes them ignorant

Its nice of people to love someone like they were their own child, but thats not required by natures standards, thats all, so dont look down on someone just because they value their own kids above everyone else

I knew I shouldnt have come into this thread though, so I will quickly leave before something ignites

Nah, read carefully. I said the statement was ignorant. See the difference?