-update- I am back "home", sort of... still seeking advice

[conjur]

Originally posted by: sygyzy


Why is everyone saying that he is getting *beaten*? I did read all the pages but don't remember this aspect. Did he say he was BEAT? I seriously doubt it. Spanking, feather duster wooden handle, thrown slipper. Those are common asian parents' arsenal. To say beat, one conjures up images of Rodney King. I think OP should clarify. Using the word *beat* has everyone up in arms.

Miss this part:

I've been hit since I was young. Got books, pencils, cups, water, shoes, wood, whatever is nearby thrown at me. I've never hit back and never would because that would bring me to their level. I am better than them. I've been chased wiht a chair, a bat, and what not. I remember when I was young I got pissed and I just walked off. When they told me to come back, I said they woudl hit me. They promise dhtey would not... I got beat. THey f*ckin lie always. I hate them.

That's in the OP.

 

[IDoNotKnow]

For those of you wanted an update...

Do I get beat? Never where I would reach the point of bleeding or something that I would go to the hospital. Basically everything they can do w/o making it known public. I've had my head pushed against tile floor, books are not very soft when thrown, etc etc. The bat has never been swung, but I never stuck around long enough to find out if it can be. Yeah, I've been hit typical asian style with any wood sticks, belt, etc. Ha, I remember when I was young during the summer I had to do extra math work a grade ahead and every question I got wrong I would get hit. Thanks parents! You may have made me smarter school wise but made me hate you at the same time for it! I don't think it's as bad as some of you are assuming, but more than something extremeley minor... as emotion/logic makes me cry and run. You know those child abuse commercials that are on tv? Well always when I was growing up I always though I'm not as bad as them, why the hell am I complaining....

I have tried living my isolated life from within but it never worked. I close my doors in my room always but they will just enter w/o regard. They do control my life in all regards essentially. While some of you may think thats a blessing and I shoudlnt' complain, its not good for ones sanity. I have a hard time trusting people now, I'm not very sociable, I am very observant of things and show people what they want/expect. Talking to the psychologist, she said I am looking for problems and that expect people to be like my parents always. Thats how I live life because thats what has been easiest. But sometimes, like now, I just can't handle it anymore. I think I may head back to her and talk again if I can...

My plan is to head back home and have a final serious talk with them. I hope my mom isn't too worried (not that I care for her really, but just like I said before, I dont' want to cause trouble on anybody... not even them). I am goign to say, I hate them but still do not wish any harm to them. I just want to live and finish my school. That I don't want to see them, talk to them, or have any interaction with them at all. I will beg for them to just let me live in my room, and help me financially in school in which I will pay back every cent for and more. But if they don't want me living there or help pay for my school, than so be it... I will pick up my stuff and leave. Thats on me now. I'm at my friends place but I have to leave. He is going soon (only home for the weekend). If I get booted out of home or choose to jsut leave today after the talk, I'm not sure what I can do. I'll just pick up my stuff though and head to the local church, army recuriting station, or wahtever. Any thoughts on this?

 

[tallest1]

If that kind of stuff happened to me, I wouldn't hit them out of respect but I would make sure they suffer as they get old. I'd promise to never give them a penny, I'd leave home and only call once a year, I'd find the church they go to and tell the priest everything they've done. Anything to give them hell. I'd then make myself a better man by going into service and shoving it in their face when I return. And if they put a finger on me, I'd threaten to file for assault and battery on their asses.

 

[Rufio]

are ther eany relavitves nearby that can help y ou out?
maybe cousins?

good luck on your plan. please let us know what happens.

if you need to talk, please PM me. i went thru similar stuff as you, and i know how you feel at a time like this.

 

[Xionide]

Originally posted by: MrColin

Originally posted by: Xionide

Originally posted by: MrColin
Go back home but try to hide from the folks as much as possible, you're in college so leave the house as early as you can, hang out at the library or something (pack a lunch from home when your parents are asleep). Stay out as late as possible, try not to be home when your parents are awake.

While you're out get the paperwork for a large life insurance policy on the 'rents. When you see them sometime, mention the insurance policy and tell them they mean alot to you, get them to sign the policy and pay the premium to get the policy going. A week or two after the policy takes effect you need to burn the house down while your parents are asleep, remember to disable the smoke detectors, and make it look like an accident.

It's not your fault your parents hit you. They are sick, and if they die they won't suffer from their illness any more. Free them.

Your heart is in the right place. But still, you are a very disturbed individual.

-Xionide

I sent him a pm w/ more serious advice. Check out my new sig though!

Nice

-Xionide

 

[sygyzy]

Yup, just as I suspected. You are nothing out of the ordinary. Be careful how you describe things because you are misleading people with your stories with the bat. I am not condoning it and sure, some people's views of levels of abuse are different. But you are nothing special in the world of asian discipline. It is unfortunate that you can't handle it though. I hope you work something out with your parents soon.

 

[conjur]

Originally posted by: sygyzy
Yup, just as I suspected. You are nothing out of the ordinary. Be careful how you describe things because you are misleading people with your stories with the bat. I am not condoning it and sure, some people's views of levels of abuse are different. But you are nothing special in the world of asian discipline. It is unfortunate that you can't handle it though. I hope you work something out with your parents soon.

Unfortunate he can't handle it??? Just because it's customary, in your view, for a child to suffer abuse like that in an asian household doesn't make it any easier to deal with for that child!

Those parents need to be beaten upside the head with some cluesticks and thrown into jail for abuse!

 

[jjyiz28]

Originally posted by: sygyzy


I will say that I can totally understand what he is going through. The way I dealed with it was very unique. I just stopped talking to my parents. I ate meals alone when they went to sleep. I always left any chance I got, even if it's just sit at a friend's house to watch tv. I didn't do anything that would upset them. This started in high school, long after the spankings stopped, but the verbal abuse was still rampant. I also tried my best never to ask them for anything. I am talking within reason. Sure I still ate and had clothes but in terms of going out, etc.

The result? Now I have a very strong independent mindset. It hurts me to ask my parents for anything, because I feel no attachment to them. I still have the same practice of avoiding them when I go home to visit. I don't ask them for a dime. In fact they ask me for money. I graduated from college, work full time, and have lots of nice things.

And as a poster said in a previous page, now my parents regret it all. They are not getting any younger and now they don't have the relationship with their son that they see their friends or people on TV having.

Long blurb. My advice, either move out and never contact them again, or go home and suck it up until you can get the hell out of Dodge. I will tell you this though. If you handle it the way I did, you will have to live with never having a normal relationship with your parents. I regret it, but I can't really just flip a switch and be all lovey dovey with them. Emotions don't work that way.

wise words. just remember when you get kids, to not treat them how you were treated.

i admit my parents arn't strict like this, my mom nags alot, but all asain mom nags, thats their business. but i had a chinese friend whose parents were as$es, and his parents seem just like idontcare's parents. he doesn't have a good relationship with them at all and he's in his late 20's.

 

[Sunny129]

Originally posted by: dvdrdiscs

Originally posted by: IDoNotKnow
If I got to the police somethign will happen to my parents. I do not want that. I jsut want them to live life w/o me.

Yes I am asian. But whatever. Maybe it is ingraned into me, but still. Still a part of me, I dotn know how you guys say to do this stuff. I can't hurt my parents. I can't. I do not want to.

What do I do to get thsem so mad? ANything. Just not listening, disobeying.. being a stupid bratty kid I guess. I'm a f*ckin POS probably. I never ever laid a hand on them though fighting back. I told them not to hit me. I called 911 before but hung up right away. They called back and I said it was nothing. It's too scary. Its too sad.

I don't want to tell anyone where i am. I don't want anyone else involved. I dont want others to worry about me. I dont' want to burden others. I will jstu live and die. I am nothing but trouble.

Well now that we know you're Asian, some of us can at least identify with what you're going through. Personally, I feel like I totally understand what you're feeling RIGHT NOW. Just don't think you're the only one because I'm telling you right now that you're not. Asian parents can be assholes. You running away is a first step you've finally decided to take. Something had to be a catalyst for that to happen so go with the momentum and try to support yourself. I'm sure you are REALLY scared right now and your mind is in a rush. Maybe you should sleep on it. I'm sure the next morning y ou'll start to feel some regret and doubt on what you did. Just remember it'll be an endless cycle unless you step out of the circle and face the unknown. Faith should be what's driving you because in the end, it will get better.

this is just ridiculous...what the hell is with the asian stereotype questions? i'm asian and i can't identify with any of you. my parents have never hit me. i've never even heard of that stereotype about asians. its news to me that asians are more likely to abuse their children...whatever.

and fvck all you people who have nothing helpful to say except to "suck it up" or "deal with it." i'll cast another vote for checking out the local churches for help. they can probably set you up with a social worker too...

 

[MrYogi]

Originally posted by: IDoNotKnow
If I got to the police somethign will happen to my parents. I do not want that. I jsut want them to live life w/o me.

Yes I am asian. But whatever. Maybe it is ingraned into me, but still. Still a part of me, I dotn know how you guys say to do this stuff. I can't hurt my parents. I can't. I do not want to.

What do I do to get thsem so mad? ANything. Just not listening, disobeying.. being a stupid bratty kid I guess. I'm a f*ckin POS probably. I never ever laid a hand on them though fighting back. I told them not to hit me. I called 911 before but hung up right away. They called back and I said it was nothing. It's too scary. Its too sad.

I don't want to tell anyone where i am. I don't want anyone else involved. I dont want others to worry about me. I dont' want to burden others. I will jstu live and die. I am nothing but trouble.

sorry man. this goes on in every asian family. They are brought up that way back in their country and they think that it works here in USA.

 

[MrYogi]

btw, are you from india or china?

 

You make me curious to know who you are now. If you wanted to stay disguised, hope you were smart enough to disguise your writing style and circumstancial evidence 'cuz you sound too distraught for me to keep it quiet if I uncover who you are.

In any case, calm down. Ssssssssssssssh. Just calm down. Everyone has problems at some point with parents, but if you lose control your life will be destroyed. Don't run away from your problem: Tackle it.

Take a deep breath. Talk to your friends in real life first. Ask them their experiences with their parents. Trust me, many times we think people were born with silver spoons in their mouths, but it couldn't be furthest from the truth. If you live with your friend's family, you'll see them quarrel, you'll see them talk back at their parents, you'll see them speak of their resentment toward their parents. Behind every face, there's a story. You can take a couple of days off to calm down, staying with your friends temporarily and think things through. You don't want to do things you'll live to regret tomorrow, as we don't appreciate things or people until we lose them. You'll never learn anything in life if you run away from your issues and take every single thing at face value. First time impression is also deceiving, so don't be fooled with the perfect family life of your friends, neighbour, etc.

You can also of course write Dr. Phil. He already has the Dr. Phil family in trouble and the daughter of the family talking about being adopted. Sorry I can't help much since your post hardly gives details of what exactly is going on and specific events

 

[zerocool1]

Originally posted by: bootymac
Holy sh!t.... I seriously don't know what to do in your situation... I really would try to find someone to talk to.. I know you don't want anything to happen to your parents, but based on what you said, something seriously needs to happen to them. I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but I would try talking to the police or some helpline about this. Good luck man :beer:

I agree also...

 

[us3rnotfound]

BOOM!

 

[JimRaynor]

I would say "next time it happens call the cops." But what you need to do is just call the cops right now. You need to grow up and stop getting beat downs when you can simply avoid them. Oh, so if you call the cops they might throw you out of the house... but look at where you are now?

 

[ThaGrandCow]

Originally posted by: luvly
You make me curious to know who you are now. If you wanted to stay disguised, hope you were smart enough to disguise your writing style and circumstancial evidence 'cuz you sound too distraught for me to keep it quiet if I uncover who you are.

You are a raging b!tch and need to shut your mouth. The person made a new nick just so they wouldn't have to let people know who he was. If you should happen to discover who the OP is and you post it I hope you pass out in a room with an open can of paint thinner next to you and don't wake up until you've got less than 2 brain cells left.

 

[rh71]

Originally posted by: Sunny129
this is just ridiculous...what the hell is with the asian stereotype questions? i'm asian and i can't identify with any of you. my parents have never hit me. i've never even heard of that stereotype about asians. its news to me that asians are more likely to abuse their children...whatever.

and fvck all you people who have nothing helpful to say except to "suck it up" or "deal with it." i'll cast another vote for checking out the local churches for help. they can probably set you up with a social worker too...

What generation are your parents? Like someone said above... you're less likely to identify with this if you/your parents/your grandparents have been in America for a while.

I'm third generation myself (grandparents came here first) and still saw a little bit of the discipline... but I sure as hell won't treat my kids that way... so for my kids, they will be the same as you... never knowing what really happened "in the old days". I don't mean for it to sound so dramatic, but the truth is the truth.

 

[conjur]

Originally posted by: ThaGrandCow

Originally posted by: luvly
You make me curious to know who you are now. If you wanted to stay disguised, hope you were smart enough to disguise your writing style and circumstancial evidence 'cuz you sound too distraught for me to keep it quiet if I uncover who you are.

You are a raging b!tch and need to shut your mouth. The person made a new nick just so they wouldn't have to let people know who he was. If you should happen to discover who the OP is and you post it I hope you pass out in a room with an open can of paint thinner next to you and don't wake up until you've got less than 2 brain cells left.

There's only one brain cell in there to start with!!

 

[gflores]

Well, you seriously need some external help, whether it be relatives, neighbors, church. You obviously can't do this by yourself. How long do you think you're friend will let you stay at his house?

Also, the abuse doesn't seem very severe so I doubt the a parents will get any jail time? I'm not sure how it works, though

 

I Don't Know, your parents seem to have anger management issues and do what they do because it's an acceptable culture in their places of origin. Honestly, I would endeavour to get them help. In my neighbouring city, for example, Mexican men have a tendency to beat their wives. It's okay in their books because that is what they were raised to believe. Because the problem is rampant, the county has special programs for domestic abuse. The men are warned of the consequences and taught to manage their anger in a different way.

In your case, your parents don't exactly sound like the child abusers I typically hear of. They sound like people who believe what is okay in <insert country of origin> is okay in the USA. They need to be told it is not acceptable.

If you do try to file charges against them, they won't be classified as child abusers since you're officially an adult and the statute of limitation may have passed. They would be charged for assault/battery/domestic abuse. The usual punishment in most states isn't severe, though they are making the laws tougher.

However, I would suggest that since you're an adult, you should move out. You will be told to even by law enforcement. You have a right to move out. I'm not even sure your move is classified as run away.

Anyway, that's the beauty of life in the USA. If you want to reject the culture your parents are presenting, then you have to accept the other culture here, which is not to depend upon your parents anymore at that age. Try to make the best of your situation.

Best of luck in your endeavour.

 

[StormRider]

I'm first generation Chinese -- I was born here but my parents were born in China. My parents have never hit me nor have they ever really yelled at me (although when I was young, I used to complain that my Dad yells -- but that's just the way he speaks English -- it sounds like he is raising his voice).

I've never seen this type of abuse in any of my cousin's family either. Never heard of such a thing. And I've been lucky in that my parents didn't constantly nag me about grades or comparing me with other asian kids who did better. In fact, in some ways they kind of did the opposite (wanting me to help out in the family restaurant instead of going off and doing my best academically and professionally).

I do not think yours is the stereotypical asian family.

 

[yoda291]

You need to grab a friend, sit down and speak with your parents like calm rational adults. IMO, The problem is stemming from the fact that they see you as a very large, very strong toddler. I think all parents view their children through -5 year lenses. Tell them they will lose you if they keep up the stupidity. Do so calmly and respectfully, but make it clear that you have pondered the option of severing all ties with them, financially and socially and are willing to do so because you are being mistreated. Likely, there is a reason they treat you like this...it could be your fault, it could be theirs, likely...a combination of both. If you are to continue in any relationship with your family, they need to learn to communicate their concerns about you more effectively, and likely, you have to give them a feeling that you'd be more receptive to this.

For all the nuts here who a typecasting asians, you should know that family is easily one of, if not the highest, priority in asian culture. We don't cripple our children or lock them up in dungeons or pickle their appendages and feed them to siblings. Children are disciplined by their elders, be they parents, uncles, aunts, etc and every asian hierarchy I know is perpetually concerned about the next generation.

 

[StormRider]

I think you're being too hard on Luvly. She was trying to help. She said that the original poster sounded "too distraught" for her to keep quiet if she uncover who the original poster was.

My interpretation is that Luvly was worried that he might be suicidal -- and if she thought he was going to kill himself and if she figured out who he was then she might not be able to keep it quiet.

Originally posted by: ThaGrandCow

Originally posted by: luvly
You make me curious to know who you are now. If you wanted to stay disguised, hope you were smart enough to disguise your writing style and circumstancial evidence 'cuz you sound too distraught for me to keep it quiet if I uncover who you are.

You are a raging b!tch and need to shut your mouth. The person made a new nick just so they wouldn't have to let people know who he was. If you should happen to discover who the OP is and you post it I hope you pass out in a room with an open can of paint thinner next to you and don't wake up until you've got less than 2 brain cells left.

 

[FelixDeCat]

(MrCodeDude)? Are you ok? Good luck. Dont hide your identity. You need help.

 

"I'm first generation Chinese -- I was born here but my parents were born in China. My parents have never hit me nor have they ever really yelled at me (although when I was young, I used to complain that my Dad yells -- but that's just the way he speaks English -- it sounds like he is raising his voice)."

You are right, Storm Rider, that this isn't necessarily a "cultural" thing. I know that in third world nations, it's the impoverished families that tend to discipline their children this way, rather than upper class families. I suppose circumstance and exposure to Western Culture determines the direction they choose. However, because most of the population is poor, it comes across as a culture and acceptable.

Secondly, it could be that your parents and relatives are simply aware of the laws and fear any entanglements with law enforcement. So they're smart to avoid beatings.

Let me clear this up so I don't come across as anti-spanking: I have no problem with spanking. However, spanking is distinct from flogging, beating etc. I think flogging stands a huge chance of becoming an abuse. I am not a fan of flogging. The whole throwing objects at someone isn't acceptable really. If you want to discipline your kid, discipline them with spanking, paddling, etc. not severe beatings or throwing objects at them. That crosses discipline and becomes assault.

On the other hand, again, he's an adult, so what applies to kids doesn't necessarily apply to his case. He can press charges for battery.