it very much seemed as if you were going to return the edited version to her. my fault for assuming...
it very much seemed as if you were going to return the edited version to her. my fault for assuming...
"The real worlds"?
Did we colonize Mars while I wasn't paying attention?
You still didn't edit nearly as strictly as I would have.
Did we colonize Mars while I wasn't paying attention?
You still didn't edit nearly as strictly as I would have.
"I disagree with Leon Botstein's opinion that sixteen year olds are ready to graduate high school because they are not responsible enough to be in the real worlds as adults"
This is an awful thesis.
This is an awful thesis.
:laugh: Your subtle use of improper grammar is wonderful and demonstrates the current satirical necessity to laugh (at least for me) because that essay makes me want to hurt something.
Where is the rest of it? Two and a half pages is the introduction to a college essay not it's entirety. What is the minimum length of the essay supposed to be? I have never had an essay that was allowed to be shorter than three pages double spaced.
Edit: I shudder to think what my English Professor would say if I turned that in. It wouldn't be pretty.
MmmSkyscraper
Diamond Member
- Jul 6, 2004
- 9,472
- 1
- 76
worked fine for me. no offense meant but your friends doesn't know how to write. i completly agree with your comments. he needs a tutor to teach him how to write. his original sucks.
It seems to me that this is the first time you have proofread someone else's paper since you display a forceful and defensive attitude that possibly fears the daunting task of correcting such a malformed paper. Additionally, your comments in the essay contain their own mistakes.
Everyone writes differently by using the tools available in a manner different from others. Try to work with a person's writing style rather than force your style and you may learn a few new ways to communicate.
Additionally, a person puts a lot of personal effort into writing their paper. It is helpful to be pleasant and calm while limiting your comments to concepts you are absolutely certain on. Too many forceful changes over wording that could go either way will provide a reason for a person not to trust your comments.
Most papers contain the following:
The introductory paragraph contains the subject and the person's position.
The body paragraphs contain points supporting the stated position.
The conclusion combines the stated points to re-iterate the chosen position.
This reiteration of the structural basics of an essay may appear unneccessary but sticking with the basic structure makes it easier to write a good paper.
The use of transition words between supporting concepts can be successfully utilized when used sparingly. Such words include "additionally", "furthermore", and "moreover". Such words always seemed pretentious to me but the best papers I have seen always used each of them once. I am not sure why this is but it could be because they are basic, well understood, and not ambiguous. I know the next point will be stated when I read one of those transition words.
The use of active verbs instead of passive verbs is also a good lesson to learn. Unfortunately for me, this is still a weakness of mine.
Comment T1: The title "Essay 1" is as real as any other and does not really matter since it may have been selected by the professor.
Comment T4: The use of "friggin" displays immaturity as well as a lack of culture and a refined education.
Comment T15: The use of "much more" is redundant and unnecessary.
Other than that, some solid assistance is provided. Although, it should be mentioned that many things have been missed.
One thing I notice is this paper is filled with commonly spoken vernacular that is inappropriate for a written paper. For instance, the first paragraph states "At eighteen you are a legal adult...". At eighteen what? Who or what is "you"? People often use the term "you" when referring to various entities such as themselves or anyone in general when speaking. To restate my point, such conversational speech does not belong in a paper. The previous statement could be restated as follows. "At the age of eighteen, a (person/teenager/youth) legally transitions into an adult."
"... but society still has a hard time taking you seriously." Who is this statement directed to? Is it directed to me? Society does not have a hard time taking me seriously. ... Well, sometimes.
What is Leon Botstein's opinion?
This first paragraph is too large. The introductory paragraph should introduce the subject and state the author's stance on the subject. The current introductory paragraph includes an ambiguous statement of the subject with the author's position, including an argument for the author's position.
In my opinion, the author's chosen position is not the best position to take. Graduating high school is not about a person being ready to assume the responsibilities of an adult as much as it is about having obtained the most basic level of skills necessary to successfully interact with adults in a complex society. This position could be developed further through responsibility, having developed the ability to learn more, and a recognition of the basic components of our society.
Actually, I have found one of the best methods of learning is to see how someone else does something better than I did.
Please forgive me if my response is too wordy. Earlier this evening, Syringer introduced a wonderful idea for the evening and I have been enjoying myself ever since.
I do not think there is need for me to continue, especially since my glass is now empty.
Everyone writes differently by using the tools available in a manner different from others. Try to work with a person's writing style rather than force your style and you may learn a few new ways to communicate.
Additionally, a person puts a lot of personal effort into writing their paper. It is helpful to be pleasant and calm while limiting your comments to concepts you are absolutely certain on. Too many forceful changes over wording that could go either way will provide a reason for a person not to trust your comments.
Most papers contain the following:
- Introductory paragraph
- One to three body paragraphs
- Conclusion paragraph
The introductory paragraph contains the subject and the person's position.
The body paragraphs contain points supporting the stated position.
The conclusion combines the stated points to re-iterate the chosen position.
This reiteration of the structural basics of an essay may appear unneccessary but sticking with the basic structure makes it easier to write a good paper.
The use of transition words between supporting concepts can be successfully utilized when used sparingly. Such words include "additionally", "furthermore", and "moreover". Such words always seemed pretentious to me but the best papers I have seen always used each of them once. I am not sure why this is but it could be because they are basic, well understood, and not ambiguous. I know the next point will be stated when I read one of those transition words.
The use of active verbs instead of passive verbs is also a good lesson to learn. Unfortunately for me, this is still a weakness of mine.
Comment T1: The title "Essay 1" is as real as any other and does not really matter since it may have been selected by the professor.
Comment T4: The use of "friggin" displays immaturity as well as a lack of culture and a refined education.
Comment T15: The use of "much more" is redundant and unnecessary.
Other than that, some solid assistance is provided. Although, it should be mentioned that many things have been missed.
One thing I notice is this paper is filled with commonly spoken vernacular that is inappropriate for a written paper. For instance, the first paragraph states "At eighteen you are a legal adult...". At eighteen what? Who or what is "you"? People often use the term "you" when referring to various entities such as themselves or anyone in general when speaking. To restate my point, such conversational speech does not belong in a paper. The previous statement could be restated as follows. "At the age of eighteen, a (person/teenager/youth) legally transitions into an adult."
"... but society still has a hard time taking you seriously." Who is this statement directed to? Is it directed to me? Society does not have a hard time taking me seriously. ... Well, sometimes.
What is Leon Botstein's opinion?
- "that sixteen year olds are ready to graduate high school", or
- "that sixteen year olds are ready to graduate high school because they are not responsible enough to be in the real worlds as adults."
This first paragraph is too large. The introductory paragraph should introduce the subject and state the author's stance on the subject. The current introductory paragraph includes an ambiguous statement of the subject with the author's position, including an argument for the author's position.
Do not state questions in manner to implicitly state a point in the discussion. It is the author's responsibility to explicitly state a position and points to support that position. This is what writing is all about. Writing involves the communication of ideas and the writer loses control over the audiences direction of thought with ambiguously empty statements such as the statement of unanswered questions.
In my opinion, the author's chosen position is not the best position to take. Graduating high school is not about a person being ready to assume the responsibilities of an adult as much as it is about having obtained the most basic level of skills necessary to successfully interact with adults in a complex society. This position could be developed further through responsibility, having developed the ability to learn more, and a recognition of the basic components of our society.
Actually, I have found one of the best methods of learning is to see how someone else does something better than I did.
Please forgive me if my response is too wordy. Earlier this evening, Syringer introduced a wonderful idea for the evening and I have been enjoying myself ever since.
I do not think there is need for me to continue, especially since my glass is now empty.
Originally posted by: jagec
"The real worlds"?
Did we colonize Mars while I wasn't paying attention?
You still didn't edit nearly as strictly as I would have.
Apparently I was overwhelmed by the pure, unadultered stupid to notice certain grammatical issues.
I can ram the vast cock of writing down her throat, but content and thought have to come to you through other means.
alkemyst
No Lifer
- Feb 13, 2001
- 83,769
- 19
- 81
a lot of your edits are more opininated than stating grammar problems.
The essay sounds like high school = 'university'. You hitting on high school chicks in return for homework help? 18/legal does not only pertain to sex...seems like a loaded reply to your little scholar.
good luck with it. Post the details on a YAGT soon.
The essay sounds like high school = 'university'. You hitting on high school chicks in return for homework help? 18/legal does not only pertain to sex...seems like a loaded reply to your little scholar.
good luck with it. Post the details on a YAGT soon.
You can be an opinionated prick among friends.
And note that she's a freshman - a full 2 weeks into classes, and hasn't turned in anything yet. She's due for somewhat of a culture shock.
Damn, I'm 15 and English isn't even my main language and I write better than that.
I bet she wouldn't get "Me fail English? That's unpossible!"
I bet she wouldn't get "Me fail English? That's unpossible!"
I can't believe you posted her essay on the internet!
My school had programs that searched the internet for copies of our essays to see if they were plagerised.
My school had programs that searched the internet for copies of our essays to see if they were plagerised.
Indexing my site in the couple of days it'll be there is about as likely as the moon slamming into the space station.
And just because it's on the internet doesn't mean you plagiarised it. especially if you actually wrote it.
ok so which university is this? I would like to replace her with chinese/mexican immigrants that probably deserve it more
Plagerism aside, its pretty rude/inappropriate to be posting her work on the internet without her permission.
I have seen worse, it's really not THAT bad considering the fact that HS is a joke. You should see some of the lab reports I graded from JUNIORS in college.
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