there needs to be a 4th Twilight movie

[0roo0roo]

Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised.

Let's go over that again: Edward fucks Bella into unconsciousness. This alone should have you running to Fandango to pre-order your tickets, but it only gets better.

Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up. Yes, an undead vampire apparently has enough viable sperm to impregnate a human woman while fucking her off the coast of Rio de Janero. Stephenie Meyer, you fabulous idiot!

The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this shitty series), and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I'm dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we're just getting started.

Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it's in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. Like Alia in Dune; I would accuse Stephenie Meyer of ripping this off, but anyone who thinks that Meyer might have read Frank Herbert has never been within spitting distance of Twilight. The woman is a moron.

In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. It's like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It's so horrible it's brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.

Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she's about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman's terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.

The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn't want to fuck the baby right off the bat, he can't stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he'll love her forever. So one day he's going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn. Romance is not dead, it's just being abused by insane Mormon writers.

There's more in Breaking Dawn - the Volturi come back, for one thing - but these are the main amazing events that demand this book to be turned into a film. I will not rest until I have seen a movie in which a werewolf falls in love with a baby. Hell, once I've seen a werewolf fall in love with a baby I may quit movie watching - I will have seen the ultimate culmination of a century of cinema. The entire film of Breaking Dawn would play like the weirdest exploitation film since Doris Wishman died - brutal sex, bizarre body horror, unbelievable pedophilia.

A werewolf falling in love with a baby. This is why Thomas Edison invented this shit in the first place. So we could see a werewolf fall in love with a baby.


I've never heard anything about the 4th Twilight book before seeing this article posted on ONTD, but I would totally pay to see that.

 

[0roo0roo]

 

[darkswordsman17]

No, she made up her own fantasy Immortal type characters and tossed the vampire label on them.

Ignoring 100+ years of lore and canonical detail as to what vampires are etc is not a "slightly different approach" it's attempting to reinvent Vampires as something else completely.

The books are trite garbage I don't even know why somebody male and above 13 y/o would read them. The main character is a vapid soulless shell who can't survive without her "glimmering" vampire, it's pathetic.

Well, its not like anyone else has exactly adhered to any strict rules about anything either. Interview with the Vampire? Yeah, ok. Underworld? Blade? Just what I wanted with my vampires, politics and genetic bullshit. True Blood and all the other silly TV shows that just use vampirism as a gimmick.

Fact is, vampires themselves have been fucked up (i.e. just general notion of what it is) since they've been invented. Dracula was a pretty boring book. Nosferatu is creepy as fuck, but not exactly what I think of when it comes to vampires either. I think the Twilight ones seem especially lame, but vampires in general have been pretty lame in popular culture for a while now.

My post seems like I'm disagreeing, which I'm not, just pointing out that vampires have been sucking (fucking puns...) for a while now. We seem to have hit a particularly low point.

 

[timosyy]

A girl convinced me to read Twilight (the first book), accusing me of not giving it a fair chance (I had been making fun of it earlier).

Read the book. Terrible. I don't see AT ALL what all the girls see in it (this was before the movies, so pre-shirtless werewolf-boy), and wasn't at all interested in finishing the series.

The whole thing read like a cheesy romance novel. Or, more accurately, like professional fanfiction (I was having flashbacks to a Backstreet Boys fanfiction another girl had convinced me to read back in middle school). Except with VAMPIRES. Which, apparently, is totally hot, because they're like the ultimate bad-boy, I guess. Something about the juxtaposition of tenderness with flying/super-strength/mind-reading (wtf?)/desire to suck you dry. Also, I laughed out loud and almost had to stop reading when he walked into the sunlight to show that the reason vampires didn't go into the light was because they didn't want to dazzle onlookers with their sparkling skin. Also, the author seems to spend roughly every other sentence coming up with new adjectives to describe how perfect & beautiful vampire-boy is. It became more than a little ridiculous.

 

[Adrenaline]

No, she made up her own fantasy Immortal type characters and tossed the vampire label on them.

Ignoring 100+ years of lore and canonical detail as to what vampires are etc is not a "slightly different approach" it's attempting to reinvent Vampires as something else completely.

The books are trite garbage, I don't even know why somebody male and above 13 y/o would read them. The main character is a vapid soulless shell who can't survive without her "glimmering" vampire, it's pathetic.

It is slightly different. There are similarities and differences between the two. I was thinking about pointing out that since the wolves aren't werewolves andare shapeshifters instead this could be some sort of branch off vampires.

She put her twist on vampires for her books.

 

[Adrenaline]

Thanks for the laughs

 

[0roo0roo]

 

[0roo0roo]

 

[moshquerade]

I wish werewolves and vampires would fight over me....

 

[nageov3t]

You've read the books?

Normally I'd ask if you're gay, but after seeing how wildly popular the whole series is with the ladies... I say you have a very strategic advantage over other guys.

I have not.

I've seen the movies (went with my bff in exchange for her going to guy movies with me) but have absolutely no interest in reading the books.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Some old chick at work is into this series...I think she's nuts personally.

 

[darkswordsman17]

I wish werewolves and vampires would fight over me....

Fight over biting you? If the vampire wins, you'll not only end up bitten, but probably get every STD that's ever existed, and since you're immortal, you'll have the fun of herpes forever.

 

[Adrenaline]

I think you are becoming my favorite poster here on these forums. I have seen some other replies in other threads and you are a trip.

I am laughing good at this one also.

 

[moshquerade]

Fight over biting you? If the vampire wins, you'll not only end up bitten, but probably get every STD that's ever existed, and since you're immortal, you'll have the fun of herpes forever.

Noooooo, you obviously aren't up on it.

They are fighting over her because they both want her.

What's so bad about being immortal? (minus the herpes you think every vampire has)
Edward is staying 17 forever.

 

[TridenT]

WOW. Shit, I read the wikis but this is fucking way more detailed. The wikipedia entries didn't have ANY of this CRAZY shit in it. OMG. So does Edward actually give her a c-section with his FUCKING TEETH?! O_O WTF?! Still, wow.. If any of that is in the novel... and.. girls... "eat" this shit up, wow.

Damn, wow. This is all.. so... wow... O_O

 

[Crono]

Noooooo, you obviously aren't up on it.

They are fighting over her because they both want her.

What's so bad about being immortal? (minus the herpes you think every vampire has)
Edward is staying 17 forever.

I'm pretty sure even Edward himself wasn't a fan of being immortal.

The world isn't some big fun place when you live to be that long. You see some messed up stuff, even participate and commit acts you wish you hadn't. All of that accumulates, and you'd probably wish you could die after a century or two. Plus the fact that you don't really feel human physically.

 

[moshquerade]

This thread needs more Twilight stars

 

[moshquerade]

I'm pretty sure even Edward himself wasn't a fan of being immortal.

He will be when he changes Bella and marries her.

 

[Crono]

He will be when he changes Bella and marries her.

I know, but how long did that take? His history before her (and even with her there, some crazy stuff happens) was dark. Same for Japser, and most of the other vampires. Not to mention the Volturi and the other unchecked vampires.

And it's not like the story would necessarily be happily after ever for Bella and Edward, either, though obviously the series is a bit idealistic on that front, even with the ups and downs between them and love triangle.

 

[moshquerade]

I know, but how long did that take? His history before her (and even with her there, some crazy stuff happens) was dark. Same for Japser, and most of the other vampires. Not to mention the Volturi and the other unchecked vampires.

And it's not like the story would necessarily be happily after ever for Bella and Edward, either, though obviously the series is a bit idealistic on that front, even with the ups and downs between them and love triangle.

you're hooked

 

[Rage187]

OMG, my wife dragged me to the first film and made me promise her to take her to the second. I'll gladly go to the third if the fourth holds so much promise.

 

[TridenT]

I know, but how long did that take? His history before her (and even with her there, some crazy stuff happens) was dark. Same for Japser, and most of the other vampires. Not to mention the Volturi and the other unchecked vampires.

And it's not like the story would necessarily be happily after ever for Bella and Edward, either, though obviously the series is a bit idealistic on that front, even with the ups and downs between them and love triangle.

No clue about these other vampires, but I don't see how life is hard as a vampire if all you have to do is suck some stupid deer blood once a while.

Pros about being a vampire:
Live forever
Heal fast
Stronger, faster, better than all athletes in the world.
Can't die easily
Super sexy
You have a super power

Cons:
You fuck fragile 18 year old girls too hard. (So fuck other vampires who are hotter!)
You are hard to look at in direct sunlight.
You kinda want to drink human blood.

I'll take vampire any day over this shit.

 

[Crono]

you're hooked

Well, I did read all 4 books a couple months ago, in the span of a week. I liked the first 2 books, and the third was okay, but a lot of really weird stuff (like the OP describes) happened in Breaking Dawn, and bad writing abounded. I think the series had potential, but it didn't end well.

 

[shiner]

So basically the chick who wrote these books is a member at TFNN and wrote a series based on some of the more tame threads over there.

 

[zerocool84]

So basically the chick who wrote these books is a member at TFNN and wrote a series based on some of the more tame threads over there.

No the chick who wrote the books is Mormon. I read some background on the books and these aren't even vampires. They are just higher beings. This stuff is a load of crap. Mormon propaganda to feed the church money. Good job to all you people for supporting Mormons.