The unwanted tickling uncle - weird?

[slackerinabox]

I have a relative, who moved to this country late in his life (so he didn't grow up with these kids), who has a tendency to treat little girls like objects (like swarthy indian men do). This goes from tickling my 3 year old daughter even when she screams "NO!" to kissing on, tickling, kissing the belly of my 12 year old niece.

I think it's weird as shit, but my ethnic relatives are more permissive of this behavior. I've, of course, taken my own daughter's side and told her that I'd talk to him the next time he tries anything. But... Am I just being over protective? A 20something play kissing the 12 year old seems like a recipe for disaster to me, but everyone things I'm being rude for saying anything!

 

[Mayne]

Thats creepy even for me.

 

[Nograts]

Thats creepy even for me.

x 1,000

 

[inachu]

It is quite common to touch. You must be part asian to have a no touch attitude.

Things family members have done or super close friends of the family have done to me or others: When being silly putting their mouth on my stomach then they blow air to make the fart sound. If the uncle has no history with police/jail system then he is just fine but if he has history being incarcerated then yes tell him to stop touching.

You should always trust family members no matter what but then again would be a good idea to confirm any suspicions by buying a hidden camera.


If a hidden camera proves nothing happens then let down your guard and do not even confess your fears to him and just trust him.

Does he have any kids of his own?

 

[balloonshark]

As someone who has a molester uncle in his family I say go with your gut instinct. He didn't do anything to me (that I remember) but I always wondered about him. It turned out he had a thing for little boys and ended up in trouble because of it. So if it makes you and your daughters uncomfortable then I say disallow it period.

Chris Rock on uncles (NSFW language). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxhg3dcHnb0

 

[slackerinabox]

It is quite common to touch. You must be part asian to have a no touch attitude.

Things family members have done or super close friends of the family have done to me or others: When being silly putting their mouth on my stomach then they blow air to make the fart sound. If the uncle has no history with police/jail system then he is just fine but if he has history being incarcerated then yes tell him to stop touching.

You should always trust family members no matter what but then again would be a good idea to confirm any suspicions by buying a hidden camera.


If a hidden camera proves nothing happens then let down your guard and do not even confess your fears to him and just trust him.

Does he have any kids of his own?

I'm 100% indian by dna, but "Americanized" to the point were I see more bad than good with the old world Asian ideals..My kids are half-breeds so their indian family confuses the hell out of them (my family's very old world, not like Dr. Patel who loves the Cubs, or pretends to)

Yeah, no, I'm not just going to trust until something bad happens. that's stupid

 

[slackerinabox]

As someone who has a molester uncle in his family I say go with your gut instinct. He didn't do anything to me (that I remember) but I always wondered about him. It turned out he had a thing for little boys and ended up in trouble because of it. So if it makes you and your daughters uncomfortable then I say disallow it period.

Chris Rock on uncles (NSFW language). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxhg3dcHnb0

Sorry your family went through that, I'll learn from your bad experiences then! Seriously, especially since cousin/uncle marriage is normal in Indian culture, fuck that noise - tickle privileges revoked.

 

[skyking]

when it is right, familial affection is right. Kids know and when they get the least bit freaked about it trust their gut instinct too.

 

[PliotronX]

when it is right, familial affection is right. Kids know and when they get the least bit freaked about it trust their gut instinct too.

Good call. Generally if a girl is feeling uncomfortable, that is the train signal for a treatment to be regulated.

 

[slackerinabox]

when it is right, familial affection is right. Kids know and when they get the least bit freaked about it trust their gut instinct too.

Great advice - me thinking it's weird could be my paranoid brain, my kid saying its weird means it stops, now.

 

[JulesMaximus]

If your daughters aren't comfortable with it then it must stop. Just take him aside and say, "Uncle, why don't you have a seat over there. :biggrin: Look, my daughters don't know you very well and it makes them uncomfortable when you tickle them or blow on their bellies so please don't do it anymore."

And yes, that is pretty creepy.

 

[skyking]

Try and be smooth about it if you possibly can. There may be no bad intention there at all.

 

[NesuD]

Inappropriate behavior generally speaking in american society. I would just privately inform him in the nicest possible way that you don't approve and would like him to stop. If he continues well then drop a boot on him. They are your children and you decide what is appropriate and what is not for them. End of discussion!.

 

[Perknose]

This goes from tickling my 3 year old daughter even when she screams "NO!" to kissing on, tickling, kissing the belly of my 12 year old niece.

Neither one of these scenarios is appropriate here in America. While it's most likely your uncle is not a pedophile, he must learn to curb his culturally inappropriate behavior. Take him aside and tell him so, in the most diplomatic, but firm, way you can.

Start out your conversation in an apologetic and deferential way, but end it by stating a firm, clear, "no possible exceptions ever" boundary. Then immediately keep conversing with him in a polite and friendly way on a neutral subject.

This way, you will have made your painful and awkard point crystal clear, but hopefully not left him feeling shamed or disrespected.

However, if the lesson doesn't take, stand up for your daughters!

 

[BoomerD]

 

[edro]

Hell yes speak up to him privately and tell him not to touch them again.
Tell him it's creepy. That should sufficiently disgust him to make him want to stop.

 

[skyking]

I was a "tickling uncle" to one of my nieces who had this ridiculously low chuckle when she was tickled. At 3 or 4 it just did not look possible that the chuckle was coming from this girl! It would make everybody laugh.

 

[inachu]

Sorry your family went through that, I'll learn from your bad experiences then! Seriously, especially since cousin/uncle marriage is normal in Indian culture, fuck that noise - tickle privileges revoked.

Good choice to make. Nothing but thumbs up from me.

Protectionism is fine but sometimes you can lose out when turning a cold shoulder to a relative.

Perhaps when you are alone with him one day ask him point blank.

 

[inachu]

I was a "tickling uncle" to one of my nieces who had this ridiculously low chuckle when she was tickled. At 3 or 4 it just did not look possible that the chuckle was coming from this girl! It would make everybody laugh.

Kinda like how many dogs love a butt scratch but if you yell out BUTT SCRATCH!!! then many might think you are doing something wrong with the dog.

Misconceptions on the side safety is ok. Always ask... Uncle are you a pervert?

 

[Hugo Drax]

soon he will be doing hymen checks to make sure things are working okay down there. Its a normal tradition.

 

[slackerinabox]

Neither one of these scenarios is appropriate here in America. While it's most likely your uncle is not a pedophile, he must learn to curb his culturally inappropriate behavior. Take him aside and tell him so, in the most diplomatic, but firm, way you can.

Start out your conversation in an apologetic and deferential way, but end it by stating a firm, clear, "no possible exceptions ever" boundary. Then immediately keep conversing with him in a polite and friendly way on a neutral subject.

This way, you will have made your painful and awkard point crystal clear, but hopefully not left him feeling shamed or disrespected.

However, if the lesson doesn't take, stand up for your daughters!

Thank you for just bluntly stating it's not appropriate here. That's part of my problem, I just don't know since I was raised in that strange cultural middle ground, shit that would not fly here at all (from child abuse to racism) are just considered "normal." My Caucasian wife thinks she's in a twilight zone episode at family gatherings, and the older and more removed I get the more bizarre and artificial being around my old family feels. That sounds mean, I just have nothing in common anymore (other than a mutual respect and love for my mom) and attend mostly quietly out of respect. And then they do insane old world shit (like put a 9 month on a horse being ridden by a untrained rider, while drunk at a wedding). I always come off like I have a stick up my ass, for objecting to them manhandling my damn kids, like they're communal property. I think I'm viewed as an asshole, but everyone wants their grubby hands on our adorable mixed race kids, even though one of them threatened to kill themselves if I married an outsider. And they wondered why I hung out and was massively influenced by the jewish kids I met in school, my family's bat shit crazy - oye!

 

[slackerinabox]

If your daughters aren't comfortable with it then it must stop. Just take him aside and say, "Uncle, why don't you have a seat over there. :biggrin: Look, my daughters don't know you very well and it makes them uncomfortable when you tickle them or blow on their bellies so please don't do it anymore."

And yes, that is pretty creepy.

Yeah, my kids were crying all night after spending the day with them. To them, someone restricting their movement, picking them up, throwing them around, tickling them, kissing on them (after meeting them 4 or 5 times at family dinners? not camping trips or to hang out, I don't like him) - it's torture. And to mother fucking old school Indians, MY DAUGHTERS are rude for not being wanted to be treated as toys. Or maybe it's not indians, maybe my family's just batshit crazy. I got a lecture about my kids being rude to family, I had to bite back re: my girls not being objects and no means no.

I get accused of being paranoid all the time, like the time I reemed a half brother for sending pictures of his boy, then asked me to show them to my baby girl to see if they wanted to "meet." It was obviously for an old world "arranged meeting" but, because Indians are a clever bunch and never state their motives, I was called paranoid and evil for considering that.

 

[slackerinabox]

If your daughters aren't comfortable with it then it must stop. Just take him aside and say, "Uncle, why don't you have a seat over there. :biggrin: Look, my daughters don't know you very well and it makes them uncomfortable when you tickle them or blow on their bellies so please don't do it anymore."

And yes, that is pretty creepy.

Yeah, my kids were crying all night after spending the day with them. To them, someone restricting their movement, picking them up, throwing them around, tickling them, kissing on them (after meeting them 4 or 5 times at family dinners? not camping trips or to hang out, I don't like him) - it's torture. And to mother fucking old school Indians, MY DAUGHTERS are rude for not being wanted to be treated as toys. I got a lecture about my kids being rude to family, I had to bite back re: my girls not being objects and no means no.

 

[chitwood]

I had to bite back re: my girls not being objects and no means no.

good man.

I'd imagine if I saw anything like that happening to my child, I would probably fucking snap, and beat the living shit out of whoever was touching my kid like that.

And I doubt I'm the only one, either.

 

[HTFOff]

I think it's weird as shit, but my ethnic relatives are more permissive of this behavior. I've, of course, taken my own daughter's side and told her that I'd talk to him the next time he tries anything.

With all due respect.

There is no side to be taken here. She is your daughter, your blood, not a bff. I don't care if she even likes it. No one but the parents and maybe the closest and I mean closest of kin are putting their hands/mouth on a child in a show of "affection". I'm not advocating ventilating his neck with a sharp object, but there needs to be boundaries. The "americanized" ethnic indians I grew up around were some of the most well mannered folk around. Likely stemming from how strict and disciplined their parents were with their kids. I'm going on the assumption that you were raised in a similar fashion? Correct me if I'm wrong here. Don't be afraid of defying your parents on this. These are your children, not theirs.