The Ultimate Jokes Thread

[Rayman30]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Ultimate Joke Thread.

Lets hear everyone best!

 

[IronWing]

Why can't you go to the restroom at a Beatles concert?









There's no John.

 

[brianmanahan]

best joke ever

/thread

 

[DesiPower]

Just because Michael Jordon was the best basketball player does not mean we do not play basketball anymore...

Here's one -

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

 

[Captante]

best joke ever

/thread

Motion for ban !!!

 

[IronWing]

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?




Breathe! Breathe!

 

[highland145]

Couple was having their 50th wedding anniversary. Young man asks the husband how he made it for 50 years.

"Well, son, on our 1st anniversary, I took my wife to Italy. I went and picked her back up last week."

 

[Mai72]

I'm offended!

 

[highland145]

I'm offended!

That's a joke, right?

 

[Ken g6]

Jon Gruden, head coach of the Oakland Raiders, goes to see his team doctor. "Doc," he says, "I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I hired this great player, but we just couldn't get along, and I fired him before the season even started!"

So the team doctor runs some tests and says he'll have the results the next day.

The next day Gruden goes to get the results from the doctor. "Jon," the doctor says, "I found the problem."

"So, Doc, am I going crazy or what?", asks Jon.

"What?" the doctor asks. "No, it's not a psychological problem; it's medical. It's your blood type."

"My blood type?", asks Jon.

"Yes," says the doctor. "You're AB negative."

 

[brianmanahan]

Jon Gruden, head coach of the Oakland Raiders, goes to see his team doctor. "Doc," he says, "I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I hired this great player, but we just couldn't get along, and I fired him before the season even started!"

So the team doctor runs some tests and says he'll have the results the next day.

The next day Gruden goes to get the results from the doctor. "Jon," the doctor says, "I found the problem."

"So, Doc, am I going crazy or what?", asks Jon.

"What?" the doctor asks. "No, it's not a psychological problem; it's medical. It's your blood type."

"My blood type?", asks Jon.

"Yes," says the doctor. "You're AB negative."

 

[Ken g6]

I get you. You liked it but you're aping disappointment.

 

[brianmanahan]

I get you. You liked it but you're aping disappointment.

 

[whm1974]

Are dirty jokes allowed?

 

[DesiPower]

Jon Gruden, head coach of the Oakland Raiders, goes to see his team doctor. "Doc," he says, "I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I hired this great player, but we just couldn't get along, and I fired him before the season even started!"

So the team doctor runs some tests and says he'll have the results the next day.

The next day Gruden goes to get the results from the doctor. "Jon," the doctor says, "I found the problem."

"So, Doc, am I going crazy or what?", asks Jon.

"What?" the doctor asks. "No, it's not a psychological problem; it's medical. It's your blood type."

"My blood type?", asks Jon.

"Yes," says the doctor. "You're AB negative."

I don't get it, please explain

 

[zinfamous]

Are dirty jokes allowed?

yeah but...probably not yours?

 

[Oyeve]

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail it’s other hand to the floor.

 

[whm1974]

yeah but...probably not yours?

Why I had to ask first.

 

[Kaido]

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".

 

[Kaido]

There's a band called 1023MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet.

 

[DesiPower]

Why I had to ask first.

So a long time ago I was watching this "adult" movie, french iirc, vaguely remember, will take some creatively liberty and put it in my own words -

Two brothers having dinner at a restaurant, it's the younger brother's birthday. An adult movie star arrives at a table next to them, the younger says to older, sh'e my favorite, I wish she would give me a BJ. The older says lets go ask, so they walk up to her table, and older goes - This is my bro, it's his b'day, can he get a BJ? To which the star says sure, unzips him and start BJing. In a few minutes he's ready to come, and says, I am about to come, so she removes her mouth and starts tug job, at which, the younger asks, can I come in your mouth please? She says no, you are too young.
They wrap up, she cleans with a napkin, happy ending, but the younger, a bit frustrated, asks the star that everyone keeps saying that I am too young, when will I be old enough to come in mouth? And she says, "When you stop asking".

Moral, just do it, stop asking, makes you a baby.

 

[dasherHampton]

I needed to hitch a ride and was happy to see a car pull over. The man inside asked me where I was headed. Our destinations meshed, so I got in.

After a few minutes he turned to me and asked "Aren't you afraid I might be a serial killer?"

"No, not in the slightest." I replied.

That seemed to surprise him a bit and he answered "Why not? Do I look that trustworthy?"

"No" I answered. "It's almost statistically impossible for two serial killers to end up in the same car."

The rest of the ride was quiet.