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The Ultimate Jokes Thread

DesiPower

Lifer
Nov 22, 2008
15,315
711
126
Just because Michael Jordon was the best basketball player does not mean we do not play basketball anymore...

Here's one -

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
 

highland145

Lifer
Oct 12, 2009
38,170
2,457
136
Couple was having their 50th wedding anniversary. Young man asks the husband how he made it for 50 years.

"Well, son, on our 1st anniversary, I took my wife to Italy. I went and picked her back up last week."
 
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Ken g6

Programming Moderator, Elite Member
Moderator
Dec 11, 1999
14,647
1,612
55
Jon Gruden, head coach of the Oakland Raiders, goes to see his team doctor. "Doc," he says, "I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I hired this great player, but we just couldn't get along, and I fired him before the season even started!"

So the team doctor runs some tests and says he'll have the results the next day.

The next day Gruden goes to get the results from the doctor. "Jon," the doctor says, "I found the problem."

"So, Doc, am I going crazy or what?", asks Jon.

"What?" the doctor asks. "No, it's not a psychological problem; it's medical. It's your blood type."

"My blood type?", asks Jon.

"Yes," says the doctor. "You're AB negative."
 

brianmanahan

Lifer
Sep 2, 2006
18,404
1,252
126
Jon Gruden, head coach of the Oakland Raiders, goes to see his team doctor. "Doc," he says, "I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I hired this great player, but we just couldn't get along, and I fired him before the season even started!"

So the team doctor runs some tests and says he'll have the results the next day.

The next day Gruden goes to get the results from the doctor. "Jon," the doctor says, "I found the problem."

"So, Doc, am I going crazy or what?", asks Jon.

"What?" the doctor asks. "No, it's not a psychological problem; it's medical. It's your blood type."

"My blood type?", asks Jon.

"Yes," says the doctor. "You're AB negative."
 

DesiPower

Lifer
Nov 22, 2008
15,315
711
126
Jon Gruden, head coach of the Oakland Raiders, goes to see his team doctor. "Doc," he says, "I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I hired this great player, but we just couldn't get along, and I fired him before the season even started!"

So the team doctor runs some tests and says he'll have the results the next day.

The next day Gruden goes to get the results from the doctor. "Jon," the doctor says, "I found the problem."

"So, Doc, am I going crazy or what?", asks Jon.

"What?" the doctor asks. "No, it's not a psychological problem; it's medical. It's your blood type."

"My blood type?", asks Jon.

"Yes," says the doctor. "You're AB negative."
I don't get it, please explain
 

Oyeve

Lifer
Oct 18, 1999
20,913
312
126
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail it’s other hand to the floor.
 

DesiPower

Lifer
Nov 22, 2008
15,315
711
126
Why I had to ask first.
So a long time ago I was watching this "adult" movie, french iirc, vaguely remember, will take some creatively liberty and put it in my own words -

Two brothers having dinner at a restaurant, it's the younger brother's birthday. An adult movie star arrives at a table next to them, the younger says to older, sh'e my favorite, I wish she would give me a BJ. The older says lets go ask, so they walk up to her table, and older goes - This is my bro, it's his b'day, can he get a BJ? To which the star says sure, unzips him and start BJing. In a few minutes he's ready to come, and says, I am about to come, so she removes her mouth and starts tug job, at which, the younger asks, can I come in your mouth please? She says no, you are too young.
They wrap up, she cleans with a napkin, happy ending, but the younger, a bit frustrated, asks the star that everyone keeps saying that I am too young, when will I be old enough to come in mouth? And she says, "When you stop asking".

Moral, just do it, stop asking, makes you a baby.
 
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